That's Deep!

Something I noticed in the world of cinema this week...

There's a movie called 47 Meters Down that's currently playing in theater. It's the harrowing tale of two attractive young women who become trapped in a shark cage at the bottom of the ocean, surrounded by hungry man-eating Great Whites. Can their air hold out long enough for rescue to arrive?

Last week I saw a trailer for the upcoming film 12 Feet Down. It's the harrowing tale of two attractive young women who become trapped in an Olympic sized pool when the fiberglass cover is inadvertently closed over them for the weekend. Can their air— and their strength— hold out long enough for rescue to arrive?

By the way, I honestly thought this was a parody trailer, but I checked and apparently it's a real movie.

Based on this progression, any day now I expect to see a trailer for Twelve Inches Below. It's the harrowing tale of two attractive young women who become trapped in a backyard kiddie pool.

After their father orders them to mow the lawn, Megan and Brittney decide to blow off their chores and beat the summer heat by splashing around in a plastic wading pool. Their plan works perfectly, until the girls accidentally knock a case of beer off their cooler. Their yard is now a death trap, as the tall grass hides deadly shards of jagged glass.

Afraid to step out of the wading pool, the girls find themselves trapped in twelve inches of tepid water, under the blazing sun. Can they survive until rescue arrives?

Twelve Inches Below premieres this month, in finer cineplexes that aren't showing Spider-Man: Homecoming twenty four times per day.

Posters Happen

I saw this poster for the upcoming CGI animated opus The Emoji Movie.

First of all, there's apparently going to be a movie about emojis. 

Secondly, really, Sony? We're doing "Sh*t happens" jokes in kids' movies now? How positively delightful.

At the risk of turning this into another anti-Trump rant, I guess this is where we are now as a society. When our President boasts about grabbing pussies, it's only natural that children's films feature singing and dancing piles of sh*t.

We're very near the end of civilization.

This Week In Controversial Movie Posters

This week Paramount Pictures Australia, which is apparently a thing, released this new poster for the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot.

Predictably the internet went ballistic, as it's wont to do, over the fact that said poster depicts the titular turtles leaping from an exploding skyscraper along with a "September 11" premiere date.

Jesus wept.

Really, internet? You must really be scraping the bottom of the outrage barrel if this is the best you can do. I could understand all the vitriol if the poster clearly depicted the Twin Towers and the Turtles leaping from a plane heading toward them, but this is a generic office building. And the September 11 date is when the movie starts in Australia, not New York.

Stop your bleating, people! If you're going to start fainting like a 1950s housewife who spotted a mouse every time you see an explosion, you're going to put Michael Bay out of business very quickly. 

Personally I'm far more offended by the Turtles' off-putting character designs and needlessly complicated outfits than I am the exploding building or the date.

If only people could work up this level of passionate outrage for things that actually matter, instead of frothing at the mouth over a goddamned movie poster about goddamned turtles. 

Whether the poster's in bad taste or not, the studio quickly pulled the offending ad and hurriedly replaced it with this altered, less controversial one. Well done, Paramount!