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This is a standard pizza. It's delicious, but most of all it's round, as nature intended.
Earlier this week, I saw many eateries in town advertising special heart-shaped pizzas for Valentine's Day, the world's most useless holiday.
I assume these heart-shaped pizzas are supposed to be romantic or some crap like that. Don't be tempted by this scam, no matter how much you think your significant other might enjoy it! Because make no mistake— heart-shaped pizzas ARE a scam!
Allow me to illustrate. Here is a heart-shaped pizza, helpfully colored solid white, superimposed on a round pizza of the same width. Can you believe it? Look at how much less pizza you get when the restaurant carves it into a heart shape!
Even worse, they usually charge a few dollars more for these crimes against nature! You're paying more money for less pizza, just so your sweetie will look at it and say, "Awww!"
Pizza parlors know exactly what they're doing here, and are banking on the fact that you flunked high school geometry. Don't fall for their scam!
It would not surprise me if before long, the nation's pizza parlors try selling the public on donut-shaped pizzas! Half the pizza for twice the dough! Get it? Dough?
So yesterday I'm sitting at one of the hundred or so stop lights that lie between my house and work, and I glance over and see a Little Caesars pizza restaurant. As I stared at their bright orange and white sign, it occurred to me for the first time that the logo is missing one important element— an apostrophe!
Sigh... one of the few times an apostrophe is actually needed on a sign, so of course it's not there. It should have one, right? Isn't that supposed to be Little Caesar in the logo, chowing down on a slice of pizza? If so, then it definitely needs an apostrophe, to indicate that the character indeed owns the place. Without the apostrophe the name doesn't make any sense. There's no possession or ownership implied. It might as well say "Wee Emperors."
This surprises me, as this isn't some local Mom & Pop shop that doesn't know from grammar, it's the Number Three pizza chain in the country. You'd think they'd know better.
It's patently obvious at this point in history that the human race will never understand the proper use of apostrophes. A glance at the telephone poles in your neighborhood will tell you that much, as you see one after another festooned with hand-written signs proclaiming "Free Kitten's," "Guitar Lesson's" or "Tomato's For Sale."
Since it seems impossible for the average citizen to understand how to use apostrophes, I propose getting rid of them altogether. Sure it'll make it tough to tell if a word is possessive or not, and contractions will look weird, but think how much time you'll save by not having to press that one extra little key for the rest of your life.
There is another option-- mak'e th'e placemen't o'f apostrophe's befor'e th'e las't lette'r i'n ever'y wor'd mandator'y. Ye's, it'l'l tak'e som'e gettin'g use'd t'o, bu't it'l'l eliminat'e th'e guesswor'k. B'y includn'g on'e i'n EVER'Y wor'd, you'r'e boun'd t'o ge't th'e prope'r placemen't righ't onc'e i'n a' whil'e!
