Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Little' Caesars'

So yesterday I'm sitting at one of the hundred or so stop lights that lie between my house and work, and I glance over and see a Little Caesars pizza restaurant. As I stared at their bright orange and white sign, it occurred to me for the first time that the logo is missing one important element— an apostrophe!

Sigh... one of the few times an apostrophe is actually needed on a sign, so of course it's not there. It should have one, right? Isn't that supposed to be Little Caesar in the logo, chowing down on a slice of pizza? If so, then it definitely needs an apostrophe, to indicate that the character indeed owns the place. Without the apostrophe the name doesn't make any sense. There's no possession or ownership implied. It might as well say "Wee Emperors."

This surprises me, as this isn't some local Mom & Pop shop that doesn't know from grammar, it's the Number Three pizza chain in the country. You'd think they'd know better.

It's patently obvious at this point in history that the human race will never understand the proper use of apostrophes. A glance at the telephone poles in your neighborhood will tell you that much, as you see one after another festooned with hand-written signs proclaiming "Free Kitten's," "Guitar Lesson's" or "Tomato's For Sale."

Since it seems impossible for the average citizen to understand how to use apostrophes, I propose getting rid of them altogether. Sure it'll make it tough to tell if a word is possessive or not, and contractions will look weird, but think how much time you'll save by not having to press that one extra little key for the rest of your life.

There is another option-- mak'e th'e placemen't o'f apostrophe's befor'e th'e las't lette'r i'n ever'y wor'd mandator'y. Ye's, it'l'l tak'e som'e gettin'g use'd t'o, bu't it'l'l eliminat'e th'e guesswor'k. B'y includn'g on'e i'n EVER'Y wor'd, you'r'e boun'd t'o ge't th'e prope'r placemen't righ't onc'e i'n a' whil'e!

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