DVD Doppelgängers: Intruders, House Of Afflictions, Restoration And Cabin In The Woods

I was looking around in my local video store a few days ago (yes, video stores still exist, and yes, I still occasionally browse them), and saw this DVD of Intruders. Hmm… I've never heard of this movie, but something about that cover seems familiar. I've seen that "stark, black & white crumbling house with something unsavory going on beneath" motif somewhere before… but where?

Was it House Of Afflictions? It's got the black and white and red all over color scheme. The crumbling house is there as well, along with the terrifying thing beneath. But no, I don't think this was it. I've never seen this cover before either.

How about Restoration, a film by Zack Ward, aka Scut Farkus of A Christmas Story? Black, white and red palette? Check! Old house? Check! Scary thing below? Check!

No, not this one. It fulfills all the requirements, but once again, I've never seen it before.

Ah, there it is! Joss Whedon's The Cabin In The Woods! In addition to deconstructing the "Haunted Cabin" movie genre and turning it on its ear, it was also apparently very influential in the world of cover design. Everyone and their dog is aping this cover, hoping that some of Cabin's cache rubs off on their subpar direct to video dreck.

Kern Squad. In Color!

This is the city: Los Angeles, California. It's a big city. A bustling, vital metropolis with a thriving business district. The Chamber of Commerce states that there are over 150 miles of store fronts throughout the city. All those businesses rely on advertising to increase their sales. All that advertising needs rules and laws. That's where I come in. My name's Serif. I'm a Design Cop. I'm with the Kern Squad.

Webster's Dictionary defines kerning as "The adjustment of space between pairs of letters to make them more visually appealing." I define it another way. I call it the Law.

The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

It was Wednesday, June 14th, 10:50 a.m. It was sunny, with mild temperatures and low humidity. A little too windy for my taste though. I got a call from my partner Bill  Ligature, asking me to meet him at the Rewind Video Town on the corner of Glaser and Rand. Luckily the traffic was light. I got there at 11:05 and went on in. 

Serif: Bill.

Bill: Joe.

Serif: What have we got?

Bill: Customer who's pretty shaken up, Joe.

Serif: Where is he?

Bill: He's a she, Joe.

Serif: How's that?

Bill: The customer, Joe. She's a woman.

Serif: Just point her out to me, Bill.

Bill: Sure Joe. Right over here.

Serif: Ma'am.

Woman: O-Officer.

Bill: Just tell him what you told me, ma'am.

Woman: W-Well, I was browsing through the video store... I still come to the video store you see, because I don't understand all that downloading and streaming business.

Serif: Uh-huh. Just the facts, ma'am.

Woman: Yes, well, as I said, I was browsing and I came upon this DVD on the shelf. It's called Cabin In The Woods, I think. Oh, it was h-horrible.

Serif: How's that?

Woman: Well, the image on the cover looked very nice. You could tell the designer spent a lot of time on it. It was a very clever concept. You see, the cabin was sort of like a Rubik's Cube. You know, those puzzles that were all the rage back in the 80s. I'll bet they spent a lot of money building a model of the cabin that could rotate like that. It was very well done. B-But the title... Oh, it was terrible. I-I couldn't tell what it was supposed to say. Is it really Cabin In The Woods? Or is it C  A  Bin In The Woods? I had no idea. There's so much space between the letters. And it's so... so bland. The cabin image looks derelict and spooky, but the title is so generic and pedestrian. Like a font you'd use in a bank advertisement. Why would they pick such a font for a horror movie? Why wouldn't they use one of those fonts that's all wavy or distressed, or looks like it's dripping blood? The whole thing upset me so much I didn't know what to do, so I called you gentlemen.

Serif: (nodding) You did the right thing, ma'am.

Woman: W-Why would someone do this, officer? Why would they spend so much time making a lovely image but create such a ghastly title?

Serif: It's hard to say, ma'am. Who knows how the criminal mind works?

Woman: C-Criminal? 

Serif: (nodding again) Yes, ma'am. Bad Kerning is against the law. You can go on home now, ma'am. We'll be in touch.

Woman: A-All right. Thank you, officers.

Serif: So what do we know about this movie, Bill?

Bill: Well, on the surface it appears to be your typical slasher film, Joe. You know, college kids go to a secluded cabin for a weekend of drinking and debauchery, get picked off one by one by a deranged killer. You know the kind.

Serif: (nods yet a third time) Uh-huh.

Bill: But then it makes an unexpected U-turn about two thirds in. It's a total game-changer. Turns the whole genre on its ear. Real meta stuff. 

Serif: How's that?

Bill: Meta, Joe. You know, self-aware.

Serif: Uh-huh. You have the DVD?

Bill: Right here, Joe.

Serif: Let's have a look. Hmm. That's some bad kerning all right.

Bill: Most blatant violation of the Kern Code I've seen in a while.

Serif: Uh-huh. Let's go back to the station and find out where this cover came from.

11: 25 am. Bill and I headed back to the station to find out where the cover came from. We talked to the boys in research and found out it was created by a small local design agency just a few miles away, in the "artsy" section of town. We drove on over to talk to the owner.

Bass: Can I help you gentlemen?

Serif: We're looking for the owner.

Bass: I'm the owner. My name's Bass. And you are...?

Serif: I'm Sergeant Joe Serif, Kern Squad. This is my partner Frank Ligature.

Bass: O-Oh? How can I help you, officers?

Serif: How many people do you employ here, Mr. Bass?

Bass: Just myself. I'm a freelancer. 

Serif: Do a lot of business?

Bass: Enough. Not as much as I'd like though. The economy's forced a lot of places to cut back on advertising, which as you know is something they really shouldn't do. Businesses need advertising more than ever in a slow economy.

Serif: Uh-huh. 

Bass: Say, are you here to check up on my software? It's all bought and paid for, I swear. I've got all the original boxes in the back, you can look. Serial numbers, too. I'm no software pirate.

Bill: We're not here to check up on your software, Mr. Bass. Although I would like a look at that back room if you don't mind.

Bass: S-Sure, whatever you want.

Serif: Mr. Bass, what do you know about a DVD called Cabin In The Woods? 

Bass: I-I designed the cover, if that's what you mean. Early last year. Some of my best work, if I do say so. That image of the cabin-- I bet you think I built a model and filmed it, right?

Serif: I wouldn't know about that, Mr. Bass.

Bass: It's not a physical model! It's all computer generated. I created a 3D wireframe in the computer, then used some photos I had of old cabins and barns to apply texture maps to it. Then I Photoshopped the heck out of it to give it that gauzy, mysterious look. It was a lot of work, but I think it was worth it. 

Serif: What about the typography, Mr. Bass?

Bass: How's that?

Serif: The typography. The title above the cabin.

Bass: I... I don't know what you mean. It's just a title. Nothing out of the ordinary. Yep, that cabin image came out pretty good, if I do say so myself.

Serif: I'm not concerned with the cabin, Mr. Bass. Tell me about the title.

Bass: Like I said, it's just a title. Nothing special.

Bill: You don't consider the title of the movie to be special?

Bass: No, I-- no, I didn't say that! You're putting words in my mouth!

Bill: No need to get defensive, Mr. Bass.

Serif: You picked a very unusual title font, didn't you, Mr. Bass? What is that? Times? Garamond? 

Bass: M-Maybe. I don't remember.

Serif: Strange choice for a horror movie, wouldn't you say? Why not use Double Feature, Zombie or Feast Of Flesh? Wouldn't those fonts be far more suitable for a horror film, Mr. Bass?

Bass: I-I guess so, I don't know!

Serif: What about the kerning, Mr. Bass?

Bass: The kerning? W-What about it?

Serif: Did you apply kerning to the title?

Bass: Of course I did! What do you think I am, some first year design student? 

Serif: Look closely at the title, Mr. Bass. Can you honestly sit there and tell me that title's been properly kerned?

Bass: OK, OK! (sob) I didn't kern it. I worked for so long on the cabin image that I ran out of time! The deadline was up before I knew it and the cover wasn't finished. I just threw some text on the top of the cover and sent it in. I didn't have time to kern it. Is that a crime?

Serif: As a matter of fact it is. You're coming with us, Mr. Bass.

Bass: B-But why?

Serif: Kerning's not just good design, son. It's the Law.

The story you have just seen is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. On August 25th, a trial was held in Municipal Court 19 in the case of Saul Moishe Bass. In a moment, the results of that trial.

Saul Bass was found guilty of violating Municipal Kerning Code #147. He was sentenced to six month's probation and suspension of his artistic license for a period not to exceed one year.

It Came From The Cineplex: The Cabin In The Woods

This is by necessity going to be a pretty vague review, as much of this movie's fun depends greatly on the element of surprise. There's no shocking twist ending as in The Sixth Sense; rather the whole movie is one long series of twists, switchbacks and surprises. If I were to reveal any of them to you you'd no doubt seek me out and rain blows upon my head. Therefore I'll tiptoe around the plot as much as possible.

The film starts out the same as dozens of other slasher movies: five college students travel to a remote cabin in the middle of nowhere for some R & R. The gang consists of the typical horror types. There's the Athlete, the Whore (hey, it's the movie's word, not mine), the Scholar, The Fool and of course, the Virgin. As part of the nature of the movie, each isn't exactly what they seem though; the Athlete is actually quite intelligent, the Virgin isn't really a virgin, etc.

Shortly after they arrive at the titular cabin, strange and unusual things begin happening and hijinx, as they say, ensue. The characters are attacked by a family of redneck pain-worshiping zombies and are picked off one by one.

Sounds like a standard slasher movie so far, right? Wrong! We soon discover that the students' every move is being monitored and the entire supernatural scenario is being controlled by someone. Who exactly is orchestrating events and the reasons why are definitely not what you might think. To say more would stray too far into spoiler territory and start that whole raining blows thing.

The movie is a lot of fun and plays around with the conventions and trappings of the horror genre. There's lots of humor in addition to genuine scares, and a huge free-for-all near the film's end that involves pretty much every horror movie archetype you could think of.

The film was co-written by Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard. Whedon also co-wrote and directed a little indie film you probably never heard of called The Avengers. Goddard, who directed the film, wrote Cloverfield as well as episodes of LOST and Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

The movie was completed way back in 2009, but due to the unfortunate bankruptcy of MGM Studios it was shelved until sold to Lionsgate, who finally released it in 2012. Lionsgate got quite a deal; they supposedly paid $12 million for the film, which had an original budget of $30 million.

Pros:
• An original concept, which is pretty rare in these days of endless sequels and remakes.

• Lots of twists and surprises to keep you guessing.

• Climax features pretty much every type of monster and horror movie villain.

• Lots of fun horror movie Easter eggs for sharp-eyed viewers.

• A surprise cameo at the end.

Cons:
• A convoluted and flimsy excuse for all the goings-on that really doesn't hold up to much scrutiny. Don't question the premise too vigorously or the whole thing will deflate like a balloon and fly across the room with an embarrassing noise.

• The very first scene of the movie gives us a partial clue as to what's happening. I'm really not sure why they did this. I think I would have waited a bit to tip my hand and reveal the big secret, but then again I'm not a director.

All in all a fun and original little film that shakes up the horror genre, and one of my favorite films of the year.  I give it a B+.