Deep Sheet

I fully embraced streaming several years ago, and as a result I don't watch much broadcast, over-the-air TV anymore. I did watch something "live" this week though, and quickly realized why I don't miss over-the-air TV one bit.

Behold, the latest commercial for Bounce dryer sheets! In particular, note the wonderful tagline here, which is a clearly a play on the phrase "It's The Shit." 

Well done, Bounce Marketing Team! 

I can only assume they chose this slogan over "Sheet Happens" and "Know Your Sheet."

We're very near the end of civilization...

Passive Voice Chili

Saw this marquee outside Cleavers, a local eatery here in my hometown.

C'mon, Cleavers, have a little confidence! Don't slouch your shoulders like a milquetoast and mumble that you think youre chili's pretty good. Rip open your shirt, bare your chest hair and roar "WE HAVE THE BEST CHILI IN TOWN!"

Answer The Call!

Just when we thought the mediocre Ghostbusters remake had finally faded into obscurity and we'd never have to hear about it again, it's back, much like the unstoppable villain in a slasher film.

Apparently when the film comes to home video, it'll now be titled Ghostbusters: Answer The Call.

I assume they made this change to differentiate it from the original, and avoid confusion in inventory catalogs and online shopping sites. 

I'm actually OK with this! I appreciate the fact that from now on, anytime I want to order the one true Ghostbusters online, I won't accidentally choose the second rate, uninspired reboot.

But "Answer The Call?" What the hell does that even mean? Did they ever say that at any point in the movie? I honestly can't remember, as I've already forgotten most of the film. I'd have to see it again to find out, and that ain't happening.

Maybe "Answer The Call" is supposed to be a response to the original tagline, "Who You Gonna Call?" Or maybe it refers to the Kevin character in the remake. I seem to dimly recall he was so stupid he didn't understand how a phone worked, and Melissa McCarthy screeching (the only way she can communicate) at him to "Answer the call!"

Sony insists that they're not renaming the film, as it's been subtitled Answer The Call all along. Eh, that's not quite true.

The first trailer didn't feature the title at all, simply ending with a shot of the slightly revamped Ghostbusters logo (grrr…). It then cut to a quick shot of the original "Who You Gonna Call" tagline over the word "SUMMER."

It wasn't until the second trailer hit that the "Answer The Call" Subtitle appeared. I saw this trailer, but I honestly never noticed the change. Or realized it was supposed to be part of the title.

It popped up on some (but not all) of the posters as well. Once again though, it's so small that I just assumed it was a tag line, not a title. Why were they doing their best to hide it?

This isn't the first time a movie title's been changed after it premiered. Raiders Of The Lost Ark now goes by the incredibly succinct name of Indiana Jones And The Raiders Of The Lost Ark (even though no one but George Lucas ever calls it that). And the horribly titled Edge Of Tomorrow was retitled Live, Die, Repeat when it came to home video.

I'm puzzled by that "Certified Fresh by Rotten Tomatoes" label on the blu ray cover. Is that some sort of ersatz Good Housekeeping Seal Of Approval, added in a desperate attempt to convince me to buy it?

If you mosey on over to the Rotten Tomatoes website, you'll see that the movie got a 73% score from critics. That's really not anything to crow about. On the classroom grading scale, a score of 73 equals a middling C+. And audiences gave it 57%, which is lower than an F! Is Sony sure they want to link their film to this site?

The Which?

I was in my local cineplexery this past weekend and saw this poster for the upcoming movie The Witch.

That's certainly an... interesting font choice there. I assume they're going for a Puritanical look with that scratchy, archaic typography, but... I defy anyone to look at this poster and not read it as The V V Itch.

Not Lovin' It

Things are looking grim these days for McDonald's. According to recent sales reports, customers are deserting the fast food giant like rats from a sinking fast food franchise, as they spend their dollars at trendier eateries like Chipotle, or cheaper ones such as Burger King.

In an effort to shore up falling sales, McDonald's corporate leaders have decided the best thing to do is dump their current "I'm lovin' it" slogan, in favor of a new one. Because god knows people don't care about healthy food at a fair price, what they really want are snappier catch phrases!

The new slogan in question? Lovin' Is Greater Than Hatin.' And no, I'm not making that up, it's the honest to god actual new slogan.

(cue chirping crickets)

Well, that's definitely a slogan alright. It's not a good one by any stretch of the imagination, but you can't deny it's a slogan.

What's odd about it is that they've apparently chosen not to spell it out in traditional human language, but to write it instead as sort of an equation. Does the general public even know what the ">" symbol is? Will they be able to correctly decipher the slogan, or will they see it as "Lovin' Points To Hatin'?"

This slogan isn't going to affect sales one whit either way, but the deluded executive at McDonald's corporate offices seem to think it will. To help out the poor overpaid saps, I've come up with 8 New McDonald's Slogans Better Than Lovin' > Hatin.'

This one gets directly to the point and addresses the whole negative perception the general public seems to have toward the fast food behemoth.

Just callin' a spade a spade here.

This one may be a little too clingy, like that one desperate friend everyone has who always tags along on all your outings, whether he was invited or not.

A slogan for the Coulrophobe customer base.

This one's got a definite Fatal Attraction vibe.

Technically this one is true. McDonald's no longer cooks their fries in beef tallow, which, for those not in the know, is a hard fatty substance made from rendered animal fat, also used in making candles and soap. 

Again, spade.

This one's a bit near to my heart; it's what dear old dad used to say when mother would ask if the pot roast came out OK.

You're welcome, McDonald's. Feel free to use any or all of these slogans as you see fit. You can send remuneration to me care of my blog.

Pepsi X Rape!

This week soft drink giant Pepsi and Japanese clothing company A Bathing Ape teamed up to produce a line of co-branded products promoting... rape!

Yes, it's the fun new Pepsi X Rape advertising blitz!

What's that...? Hold on... Ah, I'm being told that it most definitely does not say Rape, but AAPE, the name of the clothing line. My mistake.

In my defense, you've got to admit that's a pretty unfortunate choice of font there. Look at it! Tell me that doesn't look like it says "rape" at first glance. Go on, tell me!

Yes, they used Pepsi's official corporate font, but at a glance that first "A" looks mighty like an "R."

Why didn't they just use the official Aape logo, seen here? It appears to be set in Typewriter Gothic or some other such font. Then they could have avoided all the laughing and the pointing and the mocking.

Pepsi X Rape isn't just available on a subway poster, tucked away underground! It's plastered on many different items. Why not flash your own special Pepsi X Rape smartphone cover every time you take a photo of your dinner at the Thai restaurant! 

You can even proudly wear your message of Pepsi X Rape emblazoned on your chest for the whole world to see!

Or jot down your innermost thoughts in your Pepsi X Rape journal! Live For Now With Pepsi X Rape!

As a graphic designer I honestly do not understand how something like this could happen. One person didn't design this campaign while locked away in a broom closet. There were hundreds of people involved. There were brainstorming sessions to come up with marketing plan, legal teams on both sides deciding who'd get top billing and demanding each logo be the same size, numerous meetings with merchandising vendors to decide what products would be used, and dozens upon dozens of executives who all needed to sign off on it before the whole mess got sent to the various printers. 

Every time I design something where I work it has to be approved by at least twenty people. Maybe even more. Between Pepsi and A Bathing Ape it would not surprise me if this had to pass through the hands of five hundred people. Are you telling me that not even a single one of them noticed something was amiss with their logo? 

I was going to suggest that maybe a disgruntled designer might have done this on purpose to get even with one or both of the companies, but even if that happened there would have been fifty people above him that should have caught it.

I'm looking forward to next summer's fun new Coke X TORTURE promotion!

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

I do a lot of criticizing and mocking of advertising and graphic design here at Bob Canada's BlogWorld. It ain't that I'm a jerk, it's just that most of the advertising I see around me begs to be mocked. It's just asking for it.

But in the interest of fair play, I thought I'd try actually praising a design for once. Just to see how it feels, you understand.

I saw this careening down the street a couple days ago. It's a delivery truck for a local tire store. That's their two mascots Ra & Ben (of Raben Tires, get it? Com-O-Dee!) seemingly being tossed around in the back of the truck.

I don't know who designed and created the graphic, but it's very well done. The two figures are either airbrushed or rendered in CGI, making them look like three dimensional characters.It really does look like they're peering out from under the half-raised door. If I was a coyote I'd probably try to jump inside (and flatten my head on the closed door).

The thing that impresses me the most about it is that the company's  logo is half obscured at the top, as if the door's rolling up inside the truck. Very bold of them to trust that the slack-jawed public will still be able to read it as "Raben." I bet that was a tough sell on the part of the designer, and frankly it's a miracle they agreed to it. Maybe they figured everyone would recognize the mascots?

Anyway, there you go. A positive review of some local graphic design for a change. Not quite as exciting as the usual brutal critique, but whaddya gonna do?

OK, Raben, I plugged your truck. I fully expect a 50% discount next time I come in. 

Kern Squad. In Color!

This is the city: Los Angeles, California. It's a big city. A bustling, vital metropolis with a thriving business district. The Chamber of Commerce states that there are over 150 miles of store fronts throughout the city. All those businesses rely on advertising to increase their sales. All that advertising needs rules and laws. That's where I come in. My name's Serif. I'm a Design Cop. I'm with the Kern Squad.

Webster's Dictionary defines kerning as "The adjustment of space between pairs of letters to make them more visually appealing." I define it another way. I call it the Law.

The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

It was Wednesday, June 14th, 10:50 a.m. It was sunny, with mild temperatures and low humidity. A little too windy for my taste though. I got a call from my partner Bill  Ligature, asking me to meet him at the Rewind Video Town on the corner of Glaser and Rand. Luckily the traffic was light. I got there at 11:05 and went on in. 

Serif: Bill.

Bill: Joe.

Serif: What have we got?

Bill: Customer who's pretty shaken up, Joe.

Serif: Where is he?

Bill: He's a she, Joe.

Serif: How's that?

Bill: The customer, Joe. She's a woman.

Serif: Just point her out to me, Bill.

Bill: Sure Joe. Right over here.

Serif: Ma'am.

Woman: O-Officer.

Bill: Just tell him what you told me, ma'am.

Woman: W-Well, I was browsing through the video store... I still come to the video store you see, because I don't understand all that downloading and streaming business.

Serif: Uh-huh. Just the facts, ma'am.

Woman: Yes, well, as I said, I was browsing and I came upon this DVD on the shelf. It's called Cabin In The Woods, I think. Oh, it was h-horrible.

Serif: How's that?

Woman: Well, the image on the cover looked very nice. You could tell the designer spent a lot of time on it. It was a very clever concept. You see, the cabin was sort of like a Rubik's Cube. You know, those puzzles that were all the rage back in the 80s. I'll bet they spent a lot of money building a model of the cabin that could rotate like that. It was very well done. B-But the title... Oh, it was terrible. I-I couldn't tell what it was supposed to say. Is it really Cabin In The Woods? Or is it C  A  Bin In The Woods? I had no idea. There's so much space between the letters. And it's so... so bland. The cabin image looks derelict and spooky, but the title is so generic and pedestrian. Like a font you'd use in a bank advertisement. Why would they pick such a font for a horror movie? Why wouldn't they use one of those fonts that's all wavy or distressed, or looks like it's dripping blood? The whole thing upset me so much I didn't know what to do, so I called you gentlemen.

Serif: (nodding) You did the right thing, ma'am.

Woman: W-Why would someone do this, officer? Why would they spend so much time making a lovely image but create such a ghastly title?

Serif: It's hard to say, ma'am. Who knows how the criminal mind works?

Woman: C-Criminal? 

Serif: (nodding again) Yes, ma'am. Bad Kerning is against the law. You can go on home now, ma'am. We'll be in touch.

Woman: A-All right. Thank you, officers.

Serif: So what do we know about this movie, Bill?

Bill: Well, on the surface it appears to be your typical slasher film, Joe. You know, college kids go to a secluded cabin for a weekend of drinking and debauchery, get picked off one by one by a deranged killer. You know the kind.

Serif: (nods yet a third time) Uh-huh.

Bill: But then it makes an unexpected U-turn about two thirds in. It's a total game-changer. Turns the whole genre on its ear. Real meta stuff. 

Serif: How's that?

Bill: Meta, Joe. You know, self-aware.

Serif: Uh-huh. You have the DVD?

Bill: Right here, Joe.

Serif: Let's have a look. Hmm. That's some bad kerning all right.

Bill: Most blatant violation of the Kern Code I've seen in a while.

Serif: Uh-huh. Let's go back to the station and find out where this cover came from.

11: 25 am. Bill and I headed back to the station to find out where the cover came from. We talked to the boys in research and found out it was created by a small local design agency just a few miles away, in the "artsy" section of town. We drove on over to talk to the owner.

Bass: Can I help you gentlemen?

Serif: We're looking for the owner.

Bass: I'm the owner. My name's Bass. And you are...?

Serif: I'm Sergeant Joe Serif, Kern Squad. This is my partner Frank Ligature.

Bass: O-Oh? How can I help you, officers?

Serif: How many people do you employ here, Mr. Bass?

Bass: Just myself. I'm a freelancer. 

Serif: Do a lot of business?

Bass: Enough. Not as much as I'd like though. The economy's forced a lot of places to cut back on advertising, which as you know is something they really shouldn't do. Businesses need advertising more than ever in a slow economy.

Serif: Uh-huh. 

Bass: Say, are you here to check up on my software? It's all bought and paid for, I swear. I've got all the original boxes in the back, you can look. Serial numbers, too. I'm no software pirate.

Bill: We're not here to check up on your software, Mr. Bass. Although I would like a look at that back room if you don't mind.

Bass: S-Sure, whatever you want.

Serif: Mr. Bass, what do you know about a DVD called Cabin In The Woods? 

Bass: I-I designed the cover, if that's what you mean. Early last year. Some of my best work, if I do say so. That image of the cabin-- I bet you think I built a model and filmed it, right?

Serif: I wouldn't know about that, Mr. Bass.

Bass: It's not a physical model! It's all computer generated. I created a 3D wireframe in the computer, then used some photos I had of old cabins and barns to apply texture maps to it. Then I Photoshopped the heck out of it to give it that gauzy, mysterious look. It was a lot of work, but I think it was worth it. 

Serif: What about the typography, Mr. Bass?

Bass: How's that?

Serif: The typography. The title above the cabin.

Bass: I... I don't know what you mean. It's just a title. Nothing out of the ordinary. Yep, that cabin image came out pretty good, if I do say so myself.

Serif: I'm not concerned with the cabin, Mr. Bass. Tell me about the title.

Bass: Like I said, it's just a title. Nothing special.

Bill: You don't consider the title of the movie to be special?

Bass: No, I-- no, I didn't say that! You're putting words in my mouth!

Bill: No need to get defensive, Mr. Bass.

Serif: You picked a very unusual title font, didn't you, Mr. Bass? What is that? Times? Garamond? 

Bass: M-Maybe. I don't remember.

Serif: Strange choice for a horror movie, wouldn't you say? Why not use Double Feature, Zombie or Feast Of Flesh? Wouldn't those fonts be far more suitable for a horror film, Mr. Bass?

Bass: I-I guess so, I don't know!

Serif: What about the kerning, Mr. Bass?

Bass: The kerning? W-What about it?

Serif: Did you apply kerning to the title?

Bass: Of course I did! What do you think I am, some first year design student? 

Serif: Look closely at the title, Mr. Bass. Can you honestly sit there and tell me that title's been properly kerned?

Bass: OK, OK! (sob) I didn't kern it. I worked for so long on the cabin image that I ran out of time! The deadline was up before I knew it and the cover wasn't finished. I just threw some text on the top of the cover and sent it in. I didn't have time to kern it. Is that a crime?

Serif: As a matter of fact it is. You're coming with us, Mr. Bass.

Bass: B-But why?

Serif: Kerning's not just good design, son. It's the Law.

The story you have just seen is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. On August 25th, a trial was held in Municipal Court 19 in the case of Saul Moishe Bass. In a moment, the results of that trial.

Saul Bass was found guilty of violating Municipal Kerning Code #147. He was sentenced to six month's probation and suspension of his artistic license for a period not to exceed one year.