Multiverse Of Meh-ness

In Back To The Future, Marty McFly accidentally travels back to 1955, where he crashes into Old Man Peabody's barn.

Peabody and his family are startled by Marty, whose hazmat suit and DeLorean make it look like he's an alien from another planet.

This is confirmed by Old Man Peabody Jr., who holds up a sci-fi pulp mag with a cover featuring an invading alien who's dressed just like Marty.

For the record, this is the front & back cover of the kid's Tales From Space mag. On the back there's a colorful ad for an Official Red Rider Carbine Air Rifle...

Which is very much like the one Ralpie Parker covets in A Christmas Story.

Welp, that makes it official! Back To The Future and A Christmas Story both take place in the same cinematic universe! 

I can't wait to see Doc Brown interact with Ralphie's Old Man! 

Another "A Christmas Story" Story

A couple days ago I watched A Christmas Story again for the 5,379th time. OK, so I'm exaggerating a bit, but only by a little.

Normally I watch it at my sister's house during the big TBS 24 Hour Marathon. As a result I never actually see the whole film in its entirety. I see five minutes here, another ten there. This actually works out fairly well, due to the film's episodic structure.

This year was different, as I limited exposure to my family (thanks, Covid-19!). As a result, I watched the movie at home on blu ray, and got to see it all the way through, from beginning to end. Honestly it felt odd seeing all the scenes in order, without interruption!

During this particular viewing I noticed a couple of oddities in the film's end credits. If you look closely, you'll see Ming The Merciless and Flash Gordon are listed in the cast! Wait, what?

If you're scratching your head trying to remember where those characters appeared in the film, stop. Apparently director Bob Clark shot a lengthy fantasy sequence in which Ralphie daydreams about traveling to the planet Mongo, where he uses his Official Red Ryder Carbine Action 200 Shot Range Model Air Rifle With A Compass In The Stock And This Thing That Tells Time to rescue Flash from the clutches of the evil Ming.

Unfortunately the scene was cut for time, to get the film down to ninety minutes. Even more unfortunately, this sequence was apparently destroyed. This publicity still is all that remains of Ralphie's outer space adventure.

There were a couple other deleted scenes, both involving more of Ralphie's fantasies. In the first, he daydreams that his teacher Miss Shields visits his home. There she makes an impassioned plea to Ralphie's Mother, saying how much he deserves a BB gun for Christmas so he can protect the family from bears that've been seen in the area!

Another deleted scene depicts Ralphie using his gun to save Santa and his reindeer from Black Bart and his gang (who appeared in an earlier fantasy that was left in the film). 

Again, these scenes were apparently discarded and no longer exist. I get why they were excised, as they only served to slow down the film and reiterate things we already knew. I don't think I'd want them placed back into the movie, but it'd be nice to see them just out of curiosity.

One last oddity about the end credits. For some reason, Melinda Dillon as "Mother" gets top billing in the film, even though Darren McGavin was arguably the bigger and more well-known star. Unfortunately the Universe giveth and it taketh away. Even though Melinda's listed first, they misspelled her last name as "Dillion." D'oh!

DVD Doppelgängers: Intruders, House Of Afflictions, Restoration And Cabin In The Woods

I was looking around in my local video store a few days ago (yes, video stores still exist, and yes, I still occasionally browse them), and saw this DVD of Intruders. Hmm… I've never heard of this movie, but something about that cover seems familiar. I've seen that "stark, black & white crumbling house with something unsavory going on beneath" motif somewhere before… but where?

Was it House Of Afflictions? It's got the black and white and red all over color scheme. The crumbling house is there as well, along with the terrifying thing beneath. But no, I don't think this was it. I've never seen this cover before either.

How about Restoration, a film by Zack Ward, aka Scut Farkus of A Christmas Story? Black, white and red palette? Check! Old house? Check! Scary thing below? Check!

No, not this one. It fulfills all the requirements, but once again, I've never seen it before.

Ah, there it is! Joss Whedon's The Cabin In The Woods! In addition to deconstructing the "Haunted Cabin" movie genre and turning it on its ear, it was also apparently very influential in the world of cover design. Everyone and their dog is aping this cover, hoping that some of Cabin's cache rubs off on their subpar direct to video dreck.

An "A Christmas Story" Story

Whether they realize it or not, the Chinese restaurants of America all owe a debt of gratitude to the holiday movie A Christmas Story.

About ten years ago my family was sitting around on Christmas Eve, avoiding eye contact with one another as we watched the lights on the tree short out and tried to decide what to have for dinner. Having seen the film a hundred times (at least), I jokingly suggested we go out for Chinese. There were a few weak chuckles (the only kind you'll hear in our family) as everyone thought, "Eh, why not?"

It's been our Christmas Eve tradition ever since. It just doesn't feel like the holidays unless we sit down in our favorite Chinese restaurant and listen to Dad make his "hilarious" joke about why there are never any cats around the place, explain to Mom what's in Sweet/Sour Chicken, and read the Chinese zodiac placemat for the fiftieth time.

Of course in the film Ralphie and his family eat Chinese food on Christmas Day, but whatever. The night before's close enough.

It's not just our family that's adopted this tradition either. This year as we sat in the restaurant eating, a friend of my sister walked by and, totally unprompted, said their family had also been enjoying their annual A Christmas Story Chinese dinner. I've heard many a coworker say the same thing. In just a short time it's become a holiday tradition, like trimming the tree, hanging up stockings, maxing out your credit card and drunkenly telling your boss what you really think of him at the company Christmas party.

I'm positive I'm right about this. After all, six or seven instances is more than enough datum for an accurate scientific poll, right?

So thanks to A Christmas Story for kicking off the first new Yuletide tradition in a couple hundred years. And thanks to you, Chinese restaurant owners of America, for staying open late on a holiday you don't care about in order to cater to customers trying to reenact a movie you've probably never seen. 

You Lose, Hallmark

Like most American families, it's become our annual tradition to watch the A Christmas Story marathon every year on TBS. 

My dad in particular enjoys the movie, and especially likes Darren McGavin's performance as Ralphie's Old Man. His absolute favorite part of the film is near the end when the Old Man yells, "Sons a'bitches! Bumpases!" out the door after the neighbor's hounds eat the family's turkey dinner. My dad will dutifully sit through the entire movie just to see that one scene, and will then roar and guffaw every time he sees it. It is a pretty funny scene, especially considering it occurs in a Christmas movie. Dad's reaction to it is just as funny, if not more.

So given all that, I was very excited last week when Hallmark unveiled their line of 2014 Christmas ornaments (despite the fact that it's still July). Among this year's overpriced decorative geegaws is one titled Bumpases, depicting my Dad's favorite scene! And it even has a sound chip! Could it be? Do we really live in a world in which we can now buy obscenity-shouting ornaments? Huzzah! 

I rushed out to the nearest Gold Crown store to get one for my dad so he can listen to his favorite scene over and over and over until the battery wears out.

Unfortunately, it was not to be. The ornament is sadly lacking in the sound department.

Sculpting-wise it's not awful. The faces are a bit soft, but I can definitely see Darren McGavin and Peter Billingsley in there. There's a lot of nice detailing in the clothing too.

But the sound feature is shockingly subpar. First of all, when you push the button, it offers up a lame, edited version of dad's favorite line. No "Sons a'bitches, Bumpases!" here. Instead we get a half-hearted "Bumpases!" followed by thirty seconds or so of Ralphie's monologue about no turkey for Christmas. BOO!!!

OK, so I suppose one could argue that it's not exactly kosher for a Christmas ornament to spout PG-13 language. The prime demographic for these things is Uptight Soccer Moms who are constantly on the hunt for things to be outraged about, so it's not surprising that Hallmark took the safe route. So don't make an ornament of that scene then! There's plenty of other scenes in the movie they could have immortalized in plastic. Make Randy in his overstuffed snowsuit, or Ralphie in his Black Bart costume instead. 

And if that weren't bad enough, the sound chip doesn't even feature the original actors! They cheaped out and hired mediocre sound-alikes. Jesus, Hallmark, why the hell did you even bother?

Any time you don't hear the original voices in a product, that's a sure sign that the company didn't want to deal with contracts and talent royalties. 

If I understood anything about electronics, I'd buy one of these, crack it open and reprogram the chip with the actual sound byte from the movie. Alas, my talents in that area are sadly lacking.

You could have had several guaranteed sales in my family alone, Hallmark, but due to your wimping out on the dialogue and cheaping out on the sound chip, you missed out. Better luck next year.

This Week In Odd Halloween Costumes

Fans of Halloween and the films of Bob Clark rejoice! You can now buy an authentic A Christmas Story Sexy Leg Lamp Costume! 

Actually as slutty Halloween costumes go, this one's pretty tame. In fact it's downright chaste. I still wouldn't recommend it though.

First of all it's a hoop skirt, so if you wear it to a party you're going to have to stand up all night. If you sit down the front of the skirt's going to be forced upward and you'll flash your business to everyone in attendance, and nobody needs to see that.

Secondly, you're wearing a Christmas themed outfit to a Halloween party, which is just plain confusing.

Thirdly, this costume is horribly inaccurate. To be really authentic there should only be one leg sticking out from under the shade. Do you have the intestinal fortitude to saw off one of your own limbs just for a party you didn't want to go to in the first place? I thought not.

Alternatively you could try stuffing both legs into a flesh colored stocking to simulate one leg, as shown here. It's not gonna be easy to walk around in such a getup though, so don't forget to bring the hand truck so your date can haul you around the party and prop you up next to the dip. 

I bet you thought I was going to erase the girl's leg and Photoshop a bloody stump, didn't you? Well, maybe you don't know me as well as you thought.

This Week In Bizarre, Somewhat Puzzling Merchandise

This week, NECA, makers of finely detailed action figures, unveiled a brand new product: DC Comics Leg Lamps!

The lamps are 20" tall and are available in Superman and Batman models. You won't need to win a Major Award to get one of these babies! They're available to order right now for $44.99. 

With one of these lamps in your window you'll be able to proudly proclaim to the world your love of both A Christmas Story and DC Comics at the same time!

Nottafinga!

Xmas Double Feature

Last weekend I watched the movie Black Christmas (the original 1974 version) for the first time. It's possibly the world's first Christmas themed horror movie and is considered by many to be the very first slasher film, preceding John Carpenter's Halloween by a good four years.

Black Christmas invented most of the slasher movie genre's trappings; a faceless homicidal killer, an ever growing body count and of course a house full of nubile young female victims. Best of all it stars the incredibly hot Olivia Hussy (on the right above). Rowwrrr!

But what's most interesting about the movie is that it was directed by none other than Bob Clark. The same Bob Clark who also directed A Christmas Story. Yep, the man who gave us the tale of Ralphie and his Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time, also directed the world's first Christmas slasher movie.

I've decided this will become a new annual holiday tradition in my home– watching a double feature of Black Christmas and A Christmas Story, back to back. To me, nothing says Xmas like the heartwarming tale of a maniac killing sorority girls, along with the story of a child's simple holiday wish– for a gun. If you have any taste, you'll adopt this tradition as well.

Now, about Bob Clark. No Hollywood director ever had as uneven a career as Mr. Clark. He directed the two highly regarded and beloved classic Christmas movies mentioned above.

Then there was the rest of his career. 

Here's just a few of the other classics of cinema directed by Bob Clark:

Yikes! Dear Lord, make it stop!

Sadly, Mr. Clark died in 2007, before he could bless the cinematic world with Baby Geniuses 3: Even Geniuser. But at least we have his two classic Christmas movies to watch back to back!

Oh Fuuuuuuuudge!

Yesterday I reluctantly went to the local mall, something I haven't done since... well, probably this time last year. While there, I thought I'd check out the Hallmark store to see what kinds of Xmas ornaments they have this year.

I think my favorite this year is the "Oh Fudge" ornament from the movie A Christmas Story. It depicts Ralphie as he's helping the Old Man change a tire on the family car, right as he accidentally spills the lug nuts into the air.

And just in case you're wondering, when you push a button on the ornament it plays the following sound clip from the movie:

Oh! For a brief moment I saw the bowl sillouted against the lights of the traffic. "Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuudge!" Only I didn't say fudge.

Now that is pure awesomeness! Thank you Jean Shepherd and Bob Clark, for bringing the F word to the world of Xmas movies, and to Hallmark for bringing it to the world of Xmas ornaments! Kudos!

A Belated Christmas Post

Here's one more belated Xmas post, if you can stand it. Like most American families, it's become our annual tradition to watch the A Christmas Story marathon every year on TBS. We end up watching it all the way through at least once, and will then watch bits and pieces of it throughout the day.

My dad particularly enjoys the movie, and especially likes Darren McGavin's performance as Ralphie's Old Man. His absolute favorite part of the movie is near the end of the movie when the Old Man yells, "Sons o'bitches! Bumpases!" out the door after the neighbor's hounds eat the family's turkey dinner. My dad will dutifully sit through the entire movie just to see that one scene, and will then roar and guffaw every time he sees it. It is a pretty funny scene, especially considering it occurs in a Christmas movie. Dad's reaction to it is just as funny, if not more.

He's done this every year since TBS has been airing the marathon. We all know the movie by heart now, so we can sense when that scene is coming up and all activity in the house stops like a Pavlovian response so Dad can watch and hear the Bumpass scene. If that scene played on a continuous loop 24 hours a day, Dad would probably watch it and laugh every time.

So without further ado, here's the Old Man yelling at the Bumpass' on Christmas morning. Enjoy.

*This is my first attempt at posting a video, so my apologies if you can't see it.

"A Christmas Story" Detail You May Have Missed

I was watching A Christmas Story for the 85th time on Christmas day, and I noticed something interesting (to me, anyway).

At the end when the Parkers go out for Christmas dinner, there's a brief establishing shot of the Chinese restaurant where they eat. The sign on the door reads, "Bo Ling & Sons." Above that is a large neon sign that reads "Bowling," but the "W" is burned out, so that it also now reads "Bo Ling," the name of the owner.

Apparently at some point in the Christmas Story universe, Mr. Ling bought a neon bowling sign to put on his restaurant and disconnected the "W" so that it would read as his name. A very obscure little joke, and a nice bit of detail on the part of the film makers.

Another nice touch: note that if you look closely at the window of the restaurant you can see that Ralphie and his family are really sitting inside. Apparently they filmed this scene on location, not on a set.