Extended Edition

Last week the internet was abuzz when director Peter Jackson– sorry, make that Sir director Peter Jackson– would be directing an episode of Doctor Who next year.

Eh, I guess that's good news. I like Doctor Who, and I'm a big fan of Jackson's The Lord Of The Rings movies (The Hobbit films, not quite so much). But if I was the BBC I'd be a bit wary. 

The story he directs will start out as a two part episode, but halfway through filming Jackson and his writing partners Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens will change their minds and expand it to four. This will result in massive rewrites of the script and extensive reshoots as the actors are called back (at great expense) to film additional scenes. He'll then fire Doctor Who actor Peter Capaldi and replace him with an all digital version, played by Andy Serkis in a motion capture suit.

Jackson will also commission a full-sized set of Arcadia City, the capitol of Gallifrey, the Doctor's home world. The enormous outdoor set will cost fifty million dollars to construct, and will be seen onscreen for a total of thirty seconds.

Jackson will then burst into the effects department at the last minute with an idea for the Doctor to ride atop a gigantic Gallifreyan war beast as he leads a charge against an army of Daleks, causing the budget to triple and the finished episode to be completed just minutes before airtime.

Fans also went ballistic when, during the announcement, they noticed a copy of Tolkien's The Silmarillion lying on Jackson's table, complete with certain chapters marked with tabs. Many are convinced this means Jackson's not finished with Middle-earth, and is making plans to film the book.

Eh... I wouldn't hold my breath. First of all, the Tolkien estate owns the film rights to The Silmarillion lock, stock and barrel. Supposedly they're not fans of Jackson's film adaptations, so it's extremely unlikely they'd sell him the rights.

Secondly, have you read The Silmarillion? Actually I should say have you TRIED to read The Silmarillion? Yikes. It makes War And Peace seem like light reading. It's not one epic story like The Lord Of The Rings or The Hobbit. It's a series of shorter tales encompassing the ancient history of Middle-earth. And it's filled with dozens and dozens of hard to pronounce (not to mention remember) names, plus epic stretches of verse. 

It's exactly like trying to read the Bible, but even less fun, if you can imagine such a thing.

Over Rated

Can you stand one final bit of Hobbit news before I stop talking about the subject forever? Well, too bad, I'm going to write about it anyway.

This week Warner Bros. announced the release date for their upcoming and inevitable blu ray Extended Edition of The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies.

The most interesting thing about this particular Extended Edition? Unlike all of the other Middle-earth releases that were rated PG-13, this one is rated R.

I'm assuming the rating is due to warfare and violence, and not a deleted scene featuring some of that steamy elf-on-dwarf action.

So let's see if I can wrap my head around this. Peter Jackson made a movie based on a children's book, that kids (theoretically) aren't allowed to see. Got it!

Commence explosion of Tolkien scholar heads in 3, 2, 1...

Burglar Indeed!

So I'm snowed in today and I decide to sit back and re-watch Peter Jackson's epic but flawed The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (the Extended Cut, featuring even more scenes that weren't in the book). I've seen it several times now of course, but this time I noticed something I hadn't seen before.

The film opens as old Bilbo (played by Ian Holm) is writing about his adventure with the dwarves and the dragon. 

He opens an old chest and begins rummaging around it it, reminiscing. If you look closely in the upper left corner of the chest, you'll see what appears to be a little carved wooden hedgehog. It looks almost like a chess piece.

A chess piece? Shaped like a hedgehog? I've seen that somewhere before, but where?

Ah. That's where. It's from the chess set in Beorn's house, in the next movie in the series, The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug (or Smowg, as in rhymes with "ow," as everyone in the movie insists on pronouncing it). 

Jesus R.R. Christ! Bilbo must have taken his "burglar" title literally! He pocketed a souvenir from the house of a tightly wound, eight foot tall psychopath who seems like he could snap at any second, not to mention turn into a goddamned giant bear! 

How do I know he stole it and Beorn didn't just give it to him? Because Beorn can barely stand the sight of Thorin and Company and can't wait for them to leave. Why the hell would he start handing out parting gifts? Nope, Bilbo swiped it from him, plain and simple.

I guess he really did find his courage after all!

By the way... why the hell does Beorn have a chess set in the first place? He shuns all human contact and lives in a house with a bunch of animals. So who's he playing with? His cows? The mice that infest his home? Or does he make a move as a human and then turn into a bear, move to the other side of the table and make a counter move?

The Strong, Silent Type

I braved the crowds today and saw The Hobbit: Butter Scraped Over Too Much Bread, er, I mean The Battle Of The Five Armies at my local cinplexery. 

You'll have to wait a day or three for my review of the film. In the meantime I just wanted to congratulate actor Stephen Hunter as Bombur, for the amazing feat of going through all three Hobbit films without uttering so much as a single word of dialogue.

Good job, Stephen! I know it probably wasn't easy wearing an enormous, heavy fat suit and filming in often grueling conditions for eighteen months just to be a glorified extra, but you managed it with style and grace. Well done!

I have to admit it does seem a bit puzzling that Hobbit director Peter Jackson would hire a talented, sought-after voice over artist for a totally wordless role, but hey, he's the one who's been knighted and has a shelf full of Oscars, not me.

The Hobbit: Are We There Yet?

This week MGM and New Line Cinema unveiled the official poster for the upcoming The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies, the third and final chapter of The Hobbit trilogy.

Back when the series was first announced, the third film was going to be subtitled There And Back Again. Then in April 2014, New Line registered the title The Hobbit: Into The Fire, fueling speculation that they were changing the name of the film. They've apparently changed their minds again and settled on The Battle Of The Five Armies.

I have a better subtitle for them: The Hobbit: Are We There Yet? How about The Hobbit: Jesus, When Will It End? The Hobbit: Christ, I Think My Ass Is Asleep? I know! The Hobbit: Butter Scraped Over Too Much Bread.

I noticed something odd about the poster right off the bat. See that figure at the bottom? That ain't a hobbit! That's Bard The Bowman of Lake Town. The human male who (77 year old spoiler alert!) ultimately kills Smaug the dragon.

That's right, unlike the previous two, this new poster for The Hobbit contains 100% fewer hobbits.

"The Defining Chapter" is a very odd tag line too. Wouldn't "The Final Chapter" have been more appropriate? Apparently the first two films were just placeholders and this is the only one worth your time.

A Public Service Announcement For Grandmothers Buying Videos For Their Grandkids

Attention Grandmothers! It's a fact that your grandkids are are always bugging you to buy videos for them. I also know that the video store, with its miles of shelves full of similar DVD covers, can be a frightening and confusing place. So before you venture out to purchase a video for your ungrateful descendants, study the following carefully.

This is the 1998 movie Meet The Deedles. It stars the late Paul Walker and Steve Van Wormer, the guy who was in Meet The Deedles.

It's a wacky comedy about two X-treme brothers who are into X-treme sports like luging and surfing who become bumbling X-treme forest rangers.

The film culminates with the two X-treme brothers inadvertently creating a new lake in Yellowstone Park and improbably surfing its waves.

It should not be confused with 1989's Meet The Feebles, a perverse all-puppet comedy from writer-director Peter Jackson of The Lord Of The Rings fame.

Meet The Feebles is sort of a hard R-rated Muppet Show, featuring puppets engaged in adultery, rape, illicit sex, drug use, post traumatic stress disorder, suicide and murder. There's even a character who's so riddled with sexually transmitted diseases that he literally rots in front of your eyes. It's fun for the entire family!

See? They're practically the same movie! However, your grandkids will probably be bugging your for the Deedles film, so choose wisely lest the state ban you from seeing them again.