Close Call Part 2

Yesterday a British policeman in Worcestershire (love their sauce) was making his normal night rounds, when he spotted what he described as a "suspicious bright light." He radioed the station to alert them that he was going to investigate the light, and might need backup.

A few minutes later he radioed the station again to inform them that the suspicious light was actually... the moon.

This cop needs to team up with the Air Canada pilot from last April. The one who dove his plane toward the ocean in an effort to avoid the planet Venus.

As a public service, I would just like to remind everyone that when you look up into the sky you may occasionally see one or more large round bright objects. Do not be alarmed. These objects are merely Sky Spirits, members of a race of large glowing super beings who live on the surface of the gargantuan dome which hangs above the flat plane of the Earth.

The most common of the Sky Spirits are the Yellow Face, which appears as a large, hot glowing ball and is usually visible during the daytime, and the Cold Face, a smaller white globe that can change its shape and appears during the day and the night.

The Sky Spirits are mostly harmless, although when angered, the Yellow Face can cause your skin to blister and peel.

If the presence of the Sky Spirits makes you uncomfortable, it is possible to frighten them back into their underground lairs. Merely go out into your yard and bang on a metal trash can lid or on any pots and pans available. Chanting and shrieking at the Spirits is also advised. It may take a while, in some cases up to twelve hours, but eventually your display will frighten them and they'll disappear below the horizon.

Be advised that they won't stay scared for long though, and will likely reappear the next day.

Close Call

This week an Air Canada pilot mistook the planet Venus for another aircraft and plunged his plane towards the Atlantic Ocean to avoid a collision.

A report released Monday by the Transportation Safety Board of Canada stated that the Boeing 767 dropped 400 feet to avoid a crash with what the pilot believed was an oncoming US C-17 military cargo plane, but turned out to be Earth's closest neighbor.

The pilot's quick actions narrowly avoided a collision with the second planet from the sun, missing it by a scant 24 million miles.

Shortly after the Venus near miss, the pilot then swerved wildly to avoid another collision with what he described as a large, white, spherical UFO covered in crater-like pockmarks.

A few minutes later, the pilot reportedly executed several barrel rolls and a 180 degree turn in order to avoid yet another mid-air impact, this time with what he reported as a large, burning yellow face hurtling toward the beleaguered plane. After several tense hours the pilot was finally able to shake the relentlessly pursuing apparition when it apparently gave up the chase and disappeared below the horizon. 

The shaken pilot then ignored instructions from the tower and landed the besieged plane on a busy freeway. He then leaped from the cockpit and hid from the terrifying sky specters in a nearby barn.

The pilot was not available for comment.

Look, Up In The Sky! It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's A Venus/Jupiter Alignment!

If you can, try to pry yourself away from the computer screen on the evening of March 13 and take a gander outside (that is, take a look outside, don't actually take a male goose out into the yard). If you gaze to the west just after sunset, you'll see something rare and beautiful: the alignment of the planets Venus and Jupiter.

There'll be no mistaking them, as they'll be the brightest (and probably only) objects visible in the sky at that time. On the 13th the two planets will appear just three degrees apart, which means nothing whatsoever to me but appears to be some kind of unit of sky measurement that's got scientist all excited. It's an uncommon sight that won't be repeated until 2036, which is too bad since the world's ending later this year and no one will be around to see it.

Venus of course was named after the Roman Goddess of Love, which is fitting for a planet who's temperature is a scalding 872 degrees and is covered by clouds of sulfuric acid. Jupiter is famous as being the largest planet in the solar system and possesses a gargantuan red cold sore on its lower equator.

Don't fret if you miss the show tonight; the two planets will still be unnaturally close all through the month.