This Is Why Your MuuMuu Doesn't Fit: Taco Bell Waffle Taco

Yesterday Taco Bell announced they're trotting out a brand new item: The Taco Bell Waffle Taco.

As you might expect from the name, it's a breakfast item filled with eggs and a sausage-like substance folded inside a waffle that sort of resembles a taco if you squint hard.

Jesus, I hope they squirt some insulin into it while they're at it.

Seriously, look at that abomination! I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it. And to top it off, this is most likely a "beauty shot." Taco Bell no doubt called in experts to film this thing under optimal conditions and make it look as good as possible.

This is how the beauty shots of their tacos generally compare to reality. 

So if you lose your mind and actually order one of these new waffle tacos, keep in mind it's going to look worse than the ghastly concoction above. You've been warned.

Sometimes The 21st Century Embarrasses Me

At last, the perfect solution for people who can't quite figure out how to cut a thin slice off the end of a stick of butter. Behold the Butter Cutter!

No longer will you have to risk your personal safety with dangerous butter knives or fumble with unwieldy and complicated butter-holding harnesses and straps. No more will you have to engage the help of an assistant to hold down and steady your butter during the tedious slicing process. Now you can have a perfectly sliced pat of butter every time thanks to this extremely specific kitchen implement that performs one function, and one function only.

Need your frozen waffles buttered in a hurry? Boy, are you in luck! Just look at the speed at which the Butter Cutter expels its creamy oleo ammunition. Why, the camera could only capture the zooming pat as a vague yellow blur! Think of the hours you'll save every week!

Sometimes the 21st Century embarrasses me.

Honestly I'm glad that time travel is probably impossible. Imagine if a gentleman from the year 1800 somehow came to our century. What would he think when he saw modern man, his bloated and tattooed body straining against his stained sweatpants, using a contraption like this one? Most likely his reaction would be a combination of laughing his pantaloons off, sobbing uncontrollably and vomiting with rage as he witnessed what mankind has become.

Set Phasers On Yum!

We truly live in a wondrous age. We can talk to anyone in the world on a device smaller than a deck of cards. We can send probes to distant worlds. We use robots to vacuum our floors. We even have the technology to manufacture a blanket with sleeves.

Yet all that pales with the unveiling of the newest wonder science has to offer us. I'm speaking of course, of Eggo Brand Star Trek Frozen Waffles.


When I was a boy I used to dream about flying to work in a jetpack, vacationing on the moon and coming home to a meal of frozen waffles cooked by my robot butler. Unbelievably, that day is now one step closer to reality. It almost seems like a dream to be able to eat frozen waffles emblazoned with the images of the crew of the Starship Enterprise, from the hit summer movie.

I could scarcely contain my excitement as I opened the box to examine the frosty treasure contained within. First up we have two waffles bearing the image of Captain Kirk, sitting in his command chair as he strikes his iconic pose. Breakfast was never this thrilling!

But wait, there's more! On the left we have the sultry Lt. Uhura, sporting her new be-ponytailed hairdo. And on the right, a tasty waffle with the image of Ensign Rick Astley. Hey, who Rickrolled my breakfast?

The fun doesn't stop there! On the left is the brave and hearty Lt. Sulu. Or perhaps it's Lt. Cmdr. Owen Wilson. Honestly, while these amazing waffles are truly the marvel of the age, it's sometimes hard to tell who I'm supposed to be looking at. But I'm sure the fault lies with me, and not with this incredible new technology!

On the right is, from the way his eyebrow is upraised, the crusty but lovable Dr. McCoy. I don't remember him having red hair in the TV show or the new movie, but what do I know. Waffles don't lie.

Lastly we have... um, the planet Saturn and one of its moons, and... um... some sort of space arrowhead. Or perhaps it's the symbol of the Romulan Empire. Whatever it's supposed to be, there's no doubt it's tasty!

I'm a little miffed that I didn't get any Spock or Starship Enterprise waffles. The box claims there are 25 different designs and you only get 8 waffles, so I guess it's a crapshoot as to what ones you get. Note, don't say "crapshoot" when talking about waffles.

The Future is here, and it's delicious!