This Is Why Your MuuMuu Doesn't Fit: Carl's Jr. Most American Thickburger

Last week fast food giant Carl's Jr. revealed their latest pants-bursting sandwich, the Most American Thickburger. Mmm-mmmm! Just look at that appetizing concoction. Yum! Oh wait, did I say "yum?" Sorry, I meant, "excuse me while I vomit into my wastebasket."

The horrifying new burger features the standard burger accouterments— a beef patty, cheese, lettuce, tomato and pickles. But it doesn't stop there! This is America, after all. The burger also includes a layer of thick, glistening hot dogs and inexplicably, a substratum of potato chips. Because lord knows, why waste time eating three different foods separately when you can combine them into one appalling mound and stuff it down your craw all at once?

Why stop with hot dogs and chips? Why not insert french fries into the bun, and mash the whole thing into a large cup of soda?

The Most American Thickburger clocks in at a stupefying 1,080 calories. Add a large coke and fries and you're up to around 2,400 hundred calories, which is close to the amount the average adult should consume in a day. 

It might not be so bad if this is all a person ate for the entire day, but we all know that's not going to happen.

According to Andy Puzder, chief executive officer of the Carl's Jr. parent company, the Most American Thickburger is designed to appeal to "young, hungry guys." Notice that he didn't mention people with dignity, self esteem and taste.

Said Puzder, "People love these big, juicy, indulgent burgers. We know who we are and we know how to appeal to our customers."

When criticized for contributing to America's obesity epidemic, Puzder defended the burger by saying, "My job isn’t to dictate to people what to eat. My job is to figure out what people want and sell it to them." 

Wow. That sounds remarkably like what cigarette company executives say when they try to justify selling cancer causing products to the public.

Amazingly the Most American Thickburger comes in 1/2 and 1/3 pound sizes, and will set you back around $6. New, larger pants and diabetes medicine not included.

This Is Why Your MuuMuu Doesn't Fit: Taco Bell Waffle Taco

Yesterday Taco Bell announced they're trotting out a brand new item: The Taco Bell Waffle Taco.

As you might expect from the name, it's a breakfast item filled with eggs and a sausage-like substance folded inside a waffle that sort of resembles a taco if you squint hard.

Jesus, I hope they squirt some insulin into it while they're at it.

Seriously, look at that abomination! I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it. And to top it off, this is most likely a "beauty shot." Taco Bell no doubt called in experts to film this thing under optimal conditions and make it look as good as possible.

This is how the beauty shots of their tacos generally compare to reality. 

So if you lose your mind and actually order one of these new waffle tacos, keep in mind it's going to look worse than the ghastly concoction above. You've been warned.

This Is Why Your MuuMuu Doesn't Fit: Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe

This week in Horrifying Food News: it's the release of the Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe.

The appalling sandwich consists of a glazed Krispy Kreme donut that's split in half, slathered with sloppy joe, drowned in a tomato-based sauce and topped with cheddar cheese.

Oddly enough, Krispy Kreme officials were adamant in pointing out that they had nothing whatsoever to do with the ghastly concoction. It's the brainchild of Chicken Charlie's, a purveyor of deep-fried, tallow-based novelty foods at the San Diego County fair. They seem to specialize in ruining other companies' products, as their menu includes Deep-Fried Twinkies, Deep-Fried Oreos, Bacon-Wrapped Pickles and Fried Kool-Aid.

The company's Facebook page has this to say about the pants-splitting new sandwich: "Your stomach will thank you!" If by "thank you" they mean "shut down and refuse to function again," then I would have to agree. Just looking at that thing makes me feel like I need to go for a brisk walk.

Frankly I'm at a loss to understand why Krispy Kreme isn't putting the kibosh on this thing. They say there's no such thing as bad publicity, but what about when their product's being used in a way that makes me never want to eat anything ever again?

I can practically feel the North American continent growing heavier as we speak.

This Is Why Your MuuMuu Doesn't Fit: Burger King's Bacon Sundae

Just in time for swimsuit season, Burger King proudly announces their brand new Bacon Sundae!

You heard me, I said bacon sundae. It's vanilla ice cream in a cup, drizzled with chocolate syrup and impregnated with real bacon bits. And for good measure, it's got a crisp slice of bacon protruding jauntily from one side.

All I have to say it's about time! We landed on the moon in 1969! Why are we just now able to buy ice cream and bacon in the same cup? This is just the thing our country needs to perk us up in these times of economic uncertainty and woe. Sure, by some estimates a whopping 68% of Americans are considered overweight, but c'mon, one little cup of baconated ice cream isn't going to kill you.

The Bacon Sundae clocks in at a modest 510 calories, which is only a fourth of the recommended daily caloric intake for adult humans. No worries at all as long as you remember to skip breakfast and lunch and munch on a bowl of watercress for dinner.

Of course the Burger King Bacon Sundae isn't the fast food industry's first foray into the world of dairy and pork crossover desserts. Back in February rival chain Jack In The Box unveiled its Bacon Shake.

Unlike the Bacon Sundae though, the Bacon Shake doesn't actually contain any bacon. Instead it's made with vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, a maraschino cherry and a special "bacon-flavored syrup." 

Despite the fact that there's no bacon to be found within its frothy depths, it weighs in at 773 calories for the 16 ounce size, and only 1,081 calories for the 24 ouncer. Again, that might sound excessive at first glance, but as long as you eschew any other food intake for the rest of the week, you should be just fine.

So hoist yourself up onto your Rascal™ scooter, make sure its got a full battery charge and zip on down to your local fast food establishment and try a fine dairy and pork dessert beverage today!