Showing posts with label wonder woman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wonder woman. Show all posts

Friday, June 23, 2017

It Came From The Cineplex: Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman was written by Allan Heinberg, with "story by" credit from Allan Heinberg, David Fuchs and Zack Snyder. But don't let that scare you off. It was directed by Patty Jenkins.

Heinberg is primarily a TV writer, who previously worked on shows like Party Of Five, Sex And The City, The O.C., Gilmore Girls, Grey's Anatomy and Scandal. Wonder Woman is his first theatrical script. Fuchs is an actor and writer, who previously penned Ice Age: Continental Drift (yikes!) and the 2015 mega-flop Pan (double yikes!). And of course Zack Snyder needs no introduction. He's a terrible, terrible director who started out promisingly with the Dawn Of The Dead remake, but has become progressively worse with each successive film. He directed 300, Watchmen, Legend Of The Guardians: The Owls Of Ga' Hoole, Sucker Punch, Man Of Steel and his crowing achievement, the detestable Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice.

Jenkins previously directed Monster, which was a pretty good film. After that she was apparently demoted to directing episodes of various TV series until now.


The film marks Wonder Woman's very first solo theatrical outing. This particular version of the character first appeared in last year's Batman V Superman, as part of DC's cinematic shared universe. And of course the character's first live action appearance was in the popular TV series starring Lynda Carter, that ran from 1975 to 1979. 

So what's the verdict? Has Warner Bros. pumped out another poorly written, dark and depressing DC murderfest, or have they at long, long last finally managed to make a decent superhero movie? Happily, Wonder Woman somehow managed to turn out pretty well. It's a solid origin story, it's very entertaining and I liked it quite a bit. I didn't love it though, as there are some glaring plotholes and it falls apart in the third act. 


It's definitely miles above any of the previous DCEU films though, which I will admit is a pretty low bar for it to overcome. It's nowhere near as good as Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2, but compared to crapfests like Suicide Squad, it looks like freakin' Citizen Kane.


The internet agrees, as everyone seems to absolutely love this film. I dunno, I have to wonder (heh)... is the film really that good? Or is this a case of DC's prior awful output making Wonder Woman look brilliant by comparison? I have a feeling if this was a Marvel movie, most people would shrug and say it was just "OK."

Gal Gadot was born to play the role of Wonder Woman, and is the perfect successor to Lynda Carter. Gadot is surprisingly good in the film, which came as a shock to me, considering her wooden performance in Batman V Superman. Obviously Patty Jenkins is a much better director than Zack Snyder, and found a way to work with Gadot and expand her range, helping her turn in a powerful yet innocent performance.

I'm glad that little girls finally have a female DC superhero they can look up to and call their own. Too bad the movie's too dark and violent for most of them to be able to see it. Yep, as usual, Warner Bros. seems to forget the point of superhero movies, making a film that's filled with murder, death and destruction.

Once again, a simple little summer blockbuster generates a ton of internet controversy months before it ever premieres. From the moment Wonder Woman was announced, feminists heavily politicized the film, using it to promote their agenda. Men got into the act as well, denouncing it on the grounds that it was shamelessly misandrist. Fox News slammed the movie because this new version of Wonder Woman no longer wears a costume based on the American flag. Lebanon banned it over the fact that actress Gal Gadot is Israeli, and served in the Israel Defense Forces. And believe it or not, there was even a brouhaha over the fact that Wonder Woman apparently shaves her armpits, which many women somehow interpreted as oppression by the patriarchy (!).

The silliest controversy was the one caused by the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, Texas. They generated a huge stink when they scheduled several all-female showings of the film. This "girls only" edict even extended to the theater's employees, as the projectionist, the venue staff and the custodial crew were all female as well (!).

This apparently deeply offended many men in the area, who took to the internet to complain, and in a couple of cases even filed lawsuits against the theater. Jesus wept, people. It's just a goddamned movie. It's not like they banned men from EVERY showing all over the country.

For the record, I don't have a problem with the all-female screenings, but I'll admit that I honestly don't get it. I honestly don't understand how seeing Wonder Woman with a completely penisless audience and staff enhances the film-going experience, but whatever. Maybe as a man, it's something I'm just not able to understand.


Sigh... remember back when theaters used to show fun summer movies like Jaws or Star Wars, and we'd all watch 'em and enjoy the films for what they were? I miss those days.

If you're happy there's FINALLY a superhero film with a female lead, that's great. If you want to applaud the fact that it was directed by a woman, go for it. If you want to celebrate its box office success, by all means, have at it.

But please don't try to turn this movie into a feminist cause. I absolutely guarantee you that Warner Bros. doesn't give two sh*ts about women's rights or gender equality. They couldn't possibly care less about female directors either. The only reason they hired Patty Jenkins is because they thought she'd make a flop, and then they could tell everyone that "female superhero movies don't work." There's no way you can ever convince me otherwise, and I'll fight anyone who contradicts me.

C'mon, ladies! The ONLY reason Wonder Woman exists is to make money for the Warner Bros. shareholders. You're romanticizing and championing a soulless corporate product that's designed to sell lunch boxes and toys. You're smarter than that!

Fortunately all the politicizing doesn't permeate the film. Unlike the execrable Ghostbusters 2016, which had an unpleasant anti-male sentiment a mile wide, Wonder Woman is a gender-friendly film. It features a powerful, independent woman as its main character, but one with no overt male prejudices, who has no problem working alongside men. That can only be a good thing.


So far Wonder Woman's tearing it up at the box office, grossing $280 million here in the States (as of this review) against its $149 million budget. It's done about the same overseas, where it's racked up $298 million, for a worldwide total of $578 million. Impressive!

Unfortunately the horrible Suicide Squad somehow ended up grossing an astonishing $745 million last year. Let's hope Wonder Woman can surpass it, if for no other reason than to prove to Warner Bros. that audiences care about quality, and won't automatically go see anything they crap out.


SPOILERS!


The Plot:
In the present day, Diana Prince, aka Wonder Woman (played by Gal Gadot) works as a curator in the Louvre. In the requisite "Let's Remind People This Movie Takes Place In The DC Cinematic Universe" scene, she receives a package from Bruce Wayne, aka Batman. Inside the package is the photo we saw in Batman V Superman, of Wonder Woman standing next to a group of WWI soldiers. She looks exactly the same in the photo, meaning she hasn't aged a day in the past hundred years. Attached to the photo is a note from Wayne, saying he'd like to hear the story behind it someday. You know what that means— Yep, this is a flashback movie!

Cut to sometime in the past, as young Diana's living on the mystical island of Themyscira, home of the Amazons. The Amazons were created by the Zeus to protect mankind against Ares, the God Of War. Diana's unusual among the Amazons, as her mother, Queen Hippolyta (played by Connie Nielsen) sculpted her out of clay and begged the god Zeus to bring her to life. Sure, why not? Diana wants to be a warrior woman like her aunt Antiope (played by Robin Wright), but Hippolyta forbids it. Antiope disagrees with her sister, and begins training Diana in secret.

One night, Diana asks her mom to infodump a bunch of exposition to her tell her a bedtime story. Amazingly, Hippolyta tells her about the time Ares jealously slew all the gods, even Zeus (!). Before Zeus died though, he gave the Amazons a "Godkiller" weapon to use against Ares. The End. Sweet dreams, Diana! Later Hippolyta takes Diana into a guarded tower, where she shows her a ceremonial sword, which the script strongly implies is the Godkiller.

Diana continues training with Antiope, but is eventually discovered by Hippolyta. She's angry with both of them, but Antiope says Diana needs to be ready to face Ares, who's still out there somewhere. Hippolyte eventually agrees, and allows Diana to practice openly. Through the power of a montage, we see Diana train over the years as she grows to adulthood and becomes the best warrior in all of Themyscira.

One day in 1918, Diana stands on a cliff and stares out at the ocean. She sees a small plane pierce the mystical barrier around the island and crash into the water. She instantly dives off the cliff to the rescue, pulling a pilot from the wreckage and bringing him to shore. She takes a good long leer at him, as she's never seen the male of the species before.

Suddenly a small army of German soldiers pierces the useless barrier around the island and heads for the couple on shore. The Germans land on the beach just as the Amazons arrive, and there's a huge battle between the two armies. The Germans are better armed, but are easily wiped out by the savage warrior women. One last German shoots at Diana, but Antiope leaps in front of her and is hit instead (good thing she somehow understood what a bullet is). Diana rushes to her her aunt's side. As Antiope dies, she tells Diana it's time to use the Godkiller.

The man Diana rescued is taken before Hippolyta and interrogated with the Lasso Of Truth, which prevents him from lying. He says his name is Steve Trevor, and he's a spy for the Allies. He tells the Amazons all about the horrors of The Great War (aka WWI), and how he infiltrated the German army, searching for intel that could end the conflict. 


Steve says he discovered that the evil General Ludendorff (played by Danny Huston) and his associate Dr. Isabel Maru, aka Dr. Poison, an expert in chemical warfare, are working on a deadly new bio-weapon that could wipe out the Allies. He stole Dr. Poison's notebook and was taking it back to London when his plane was shot down. He tells the Amazons they're in more danger than they know.

Diana believes Ares is responsible for causing WWI (I guess she never heard of Archduke Ferdinand), and wants to use the Godkiller to defeat him. Hippolyta forbids it, saying they shouldn't get involved. Steve asks to leave, but the Amazons forbid it, fearing he'll reveal their secret location to the world. Diana decides to fight Ares on her own. She climbs the guarded tower and takes the Godkiller sword, along with a shield, armor and the Lasso Of Truth. She tells Steve she'll help him return home if he takes her to Ares.

As they prepare to leave, Hippolyta appears and stops them. Diana defies her mother, saying their whole reason Zeus created them in the first place was to save the world from Ares. Hippolyta finally relents and lets them go. She tells her aide that Diana must never know the terrible secret about who and what she really is (Plot Point!).

Somehow, Steve and Diana take a tiny boat from wherever the hell Themyscira is and sail to London in one day. Diana's anxious to kill Ares, but Steve insists on delivering Dr. Poison's notebook first. They meet with Steve's secretary Etta Candy, and there's lots of fish out of water humor as she takes Diana shopping for suitable 1910s ladies' clothing.

Meanwhile in Germany, Dr. Poison develops a gas that gives Ludendorff super strength when inhaled. She's also inspired (by Ares) to perfect
 her new super-deadly mustard gas formula.


Back in London, Steve meets with Sir Patrick Morgan (played by David Thewlis). He tells Steve the war is going badly, and the Allies are planning to sign an Armistice with Germany. Steve gives him Poison's notebook, confident its contents could turn the tide of the war. Morgan can't read it though, as it's written in Sumerian (?). I guess Poison used that language as a code? Diana translates it for him, since for some reason everyone on Themyscira can speak and read hundreds of languages.

The notebook says Lundendorff and Poison are planning to use their gas on Allied soldiers at the Western Front. Morgan says this news changes nothing, as he doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize the Armistice. Diana believes Ludendorff is Ares in disguise, and wants to immediately go to the front and kill him. Morgan forbids Steve and Diana from interfering, but of course they do so anyway.

Steve (with Diana in tow) then travels around Europe, getting his old gang back together. His team consists of Sameer, a spy of Indian (I think?) descent, Charlie, a hard-drinking Scottish sharpshooter and The Chief, a Native American smuggler. Steve introduces this team to Diana, who's eager to get to the Front.

Ludendorff meets with a group of German generals to discuss Dr. Poison's new weapon. They're skeptical and dismissive of Poison's work (because she's a dumb ol' girl, dontcha know), so she demonstrates its effectiveness by lobbing a gas bomb into the conference room, killing the generals and leaving Ludendorff in charge.

Steve, Diana and the team finally make it to the Belgian Front. They see a town that's been devastated by the Germans, and a local woman begs Diana to help. As they walk through the trenches at the edge of No Man's Land, Diana's shocked and stunned by the horrors of "modern" warfare. In the film's signature setpiece scene, she leaps out of the trench and onto the battlefield. The German soldiers begin throwing everything they have at her, but she easily deflects their bullets and shells with her gauntlets and shield. As she slowly but deliberately progresses across the battlefield, Steve and the other soldiers are so inspired they follow in her wake, taking out all the Germans.

That night Steve and the others are honored by the Belgian townspeople they saved. A man takes a photo of Steve, Diana and the rest of the team— the very same photo, in fact, that starts off the movie. Steve learns that Ludendorff will be attending a gala the next day, and suggests he and Diana infiltrate it. As she's never been to a society event, he teaches her how to dance, and they share a kiss.

The next day the team disguises themselves and sneak into the gala. Steve spots Dr. Poison, and flirts with her for information. Before she can tell him anything, Steve is distracted by Diana, who's spotted Ludendorff in the crowd. He stops her right before she tries to kill the General in public. Ludendorff exits the party and gives the signal to launch a gas strike— against the very same Belgian town that Diana saved earlier. Diana rushes to the town, but arrives too late to save it. She's angry with Steve for not letting her kill Ludendorff when she had the chance.

Steve learns that Ludendorff plans on using a plane to drop his deadly new gas on London. Diana races to the airfield and battles her way through more German soldiers. She spots Ludendorff in a control tower, and leaps up to confront him. He inhales his super gas and powers up. The two of them have an epic battle, but Diana eventually stabs him through the chest with the Godkiller.

Steve catches up to Diana, who's confused as to why WWI hasn't instantly stopped now that Ludendorff, aka Ares, is dead. Steve tries to explain that wars aren't caused by evil gods, but by bad people. Steve and his team see the Germans still loading the gas onto the plane, and the two sides engage in a shootout. Meanwhile, Diana spots Sir Morgan in Ludendorff's office, and realizes HE'S actually Ares. She accuses him of starting the war, but he denies it, saying all he did was give certain people a small nudge, and the natural evil in all humanity took over.

Diana tries to slay Morgan/Ares with the Godkiller sword, but to her great surprise he easily dissolves it. He tells her the sword was never the Godkiller— it's actually HER (Plot Point Resolved!). He invites her to join him, showing her how wonderful the world could be if they rid it of all those pesky humans. Diana refuses, and they have a typical special effects-filled superhero movie battle.

Steve and his pals are pinned down by enemy fire as the gas-laden plane starts to take off. Steve makes a fateful decision and runs past Diana, whispering something to her as he hands her his father's pocket watch for safe keeping. He jumps onto the plane just before it takes off.

Inside the plane, he kills the pilots and takes control. When he's high enough, he shoots the gas canisters in the hold, detonating them in a fiery explosion. Diana screams in agony at his sacrifice. Enraged, she begins attacking the German soldiers as Ares looks on. Ares transforms himself into video game boss mode, complete with horned armor. He encourages Diana's anger, hoping it'll cause her to join the Dark Side of the Force. He brings out a helpless Dr. Poison, encouraging Diana to kill her. Poison's mask falls off, revealing her ravaged face, disfigured by her past experiments.

Diana lifts a tank over her head, determined to drop it on Poison. Then she remembers Steve's last whispered words to her that we didn't get to hear— he told her he can save the day, but she can save the world. Oh, and that he loved her. Diana tosses the tank aside, showing mercy toward Poison and letting her live so she can reappear in the sequel.

Diana tells Ares that she'll never join him, as she believes in the Power Of Love (this again?). He does his best Emperor Palpatine impression, hissing, "So be it!" and fires a giant energy blast at her. She absorbs it with her magic gauntlets and reflects it back at him, blowing up the God Of War real good.

Now that Ares is out of the picture, WWI ends (even though he said earlier that he didn't cause it). The world celebrates, as Diana is reunited with Steve's team. She spots a wall containing photos and mementos of fallen heroes, including one of Steve Trevor.

Back in the present day, Diana's still staring at the photo of her with Steve and his team. She emails Bruce Wayne, thanking him for sending it. In a voiceover, she tells the audience she'll keep fighting for justice forever, as she leaps into the air to battle evil as Wonder Woman.

Thoughts:
• As a fan of the 1970s Wonder Woman TV series, I was disappointed that Lynda Carter didn't have a cameo appearance in this new film. Surely they could have found a place for her in the background as an Amazonian dignitary or something?


I have a feeling the director was trying her best to distance this solemn and more adult take on the material as much as she could from the admittedly campy TV show, lest the audience not take it seriously.

• I feel bad pointing this out, since it's something Fox News complained about, but here goes:


Every since she was created, Wonder Woman has been associated with America. Her original costume was basically the American flag, decorated with a golden eagle and festooned with white stars on a field of blue. She was associated with Steve Trevor, an officer in the U.S. Army Air Service in WWII, and assumed the secret identity of Diana Prince, his secretary/personal assistant.

The movie seems to do its best to strip Diana and Steve as well of any and all involvement with America. Wonder Woman's costume no longer contains any type of American branding or iconography. Steve Trevor is an American officer, but he works as a British spy to infiltrate the German military. Diana has a job as a curator in modern day Paris. Heck, the entire takes place completely in Europe!

Not necessarily a complaint, just an observation.

• At the beginning of the movie, Diana stares at a hundred year old photo of herself standing with Steve Trevor and his gang from WWI. It's the same photo Bruce Wayne found on Lex Luthor's hard drive in Batman V Superman.

Later in Wonder Woman, we see Diana and the gang as they pose for the iconic daguerreotype. If you look closely, you'll see their positions don't quite line up with those seen in the photo.


That's because there the photo and the scene were filmed several months apart. According to actor Ewen Bremner (who plays Charlie), the cast took the still photo in November 2015, before the Wonder Woman sets were even completed. The photo was then used in Batman V Superman.

When it came time to film the actual scene commemorated in the photo, several months had passed, the sets were completed and the actors had to do their best to recreate their earlier poses.


So the two images are pretty darned close, but not quite identical.


• Kudos to actress Lilly Aspell, who played Diana at age eight. She was absolutely perfect as the mischievous younger version of the character, and stole every scene she was in!

• This is some hardcore nitpicking, but whatever. If the Amazons truly are immortal, why do Hippolyte and Antiope look like they're in their late forties? And why are they played by actresses in their early fifties? Shouldn't they look the same age as Diana? Once they reach adulthood, why would they age if they're immortal?

• I can't say much for the magical forcefield Zeus placed around Paradise Island to "protect" it. Sure, it hides the place from the view of the outside world, but it doesn't prevent anyone from entering. It 
appears that anyone can just stroll right through it anytime they want.

• Diana tells Hippolyta she wants to leave Themyscira to find Ares and kill him. Hippolyta solemnly tells her, "If you leave, you may never return."

Um... that could be taken a couple of ways, and it's not clear just what she meant there. Was she saying "You may not return" as in "It's dangerous out there and you could be killed?" Or was she saying that once she leaves, the magical barrier around the island will physically prevent her from coming back?


If I had to bet, I'd say it's the former. This is an issue that'll likely be addressed in the inevitable sequel.


• According to Diana, the Amazons were created by Zeus to protect humanity from Ares. So how do they go about safeguarding us? By hiding out on a remote island, hidden behind a magic forcefield, with absolutely zero contact with the outside world, that's how! Heck, they're not even aware that WW's going on until Steve tells them about it. Great job, Amazons!


I guess we could chalk this up to Hippolyta wanting to keep a low profile to try and protect Diana. She knows her daughter is the Godkiller, and as such is destined to face Ares someday. Maybe she was afraid Ares would kill Diana, so she was willing to sacrifice the world to save her daughter?


• Some more hardcore nitpicking: Diana, like all Amazonians, can speak and read every language on Earth. Fine. But how is it she seems to know the modern versions of all these languages? Remember, this is a society that's closed itself off from the rest of humanity for thousands of years. Shouldn't her knowledge of language be hopelessly out of date? 


I know, I know. It's a comic book, and I'm not supposed to think that hard about it. The obvious answer here is "Zeus did it."


• So just where is Themyscira, aka Paradise Island, located? Welp, given the connection to the Greek Gods and all that, it makes sense it'd be somewhere in the Mediterranean Ocean.


Due to the events of the film though, that location seems unlikely. Steve and Diana take off from Themyscira in a small sailboat, and arrive in London a short time later— possibly less than twenty four hours. Looking at the above map, that's obviously impossible. Sailing from the center of the Mediterranean to London would be a journey of 2,200 miles, give or take a hundred, and would take weeks, if not months. Obviously the Mediterranean's out.

I don't think it's ever mentioned in the film, but online sources suggest Themyscira is somewhere in the North Sea— which makes it significantly closer to London. This makes absolutely no sense to me, as I don't see why a Greek God would place his secret island full of Amazons in such a spot, but there you go.

It's the most likely location within the world of the movie though. First of all, Steve Trevor escaped from Germany in a small plane, and crashed just off the coast of Themyscira. There's no way he'd have made it from Germany to the Mediterranean Sea without having to stop and refuel. Plus he was being pursued by a squad of Germans in boats, who arrived at Themyscira minutes after he did, and I doubt they sailed their boat through Austria and Italy, so...


Secondly, after Steve and Diana take off from Themyscira in their boat, she says she's going to get some sleep. When she wakes, they're approaching London. Note that Steve does say they were towed part of the way by a larger passing boat. But even with help, there's no way in hell they'd have made it from the Mediterranean to London while Diana was asleep. Unless she's a really deep sleeper, and was out for a couple of weeks!


So even though it seems downright bizarre that Themyscria would be located in the North Sea, it does fit with the facts of the movie.


• When Diana arrives in London, Steve has his secretary Etta Candy take her shopping to find more suitable clothes for her.

Etta picks out a suit, hat and glasses for Diana, that makes her look very much like a female Clark Kent. Why the glasses? She obviously doesn't need them to see, and at this point she hasn't yet adopted a secret identity that needs protecting. I'm assuming she's wearing them because the filmmakers wanted to throw in a little Superman joke.


They toss in a second gender-flipped Superman reference when Steve and Diana find themselves trapped in an alley, surrounded by thugs. One of them shoots at Steve, and Diana uses her Zeus-given strength and speed to catch the bullet and save him. Exactly the way Clark saved Lois in Superman The Movie!


• Dr. Poison actually appeared in early issues of the Wonder Woman comic.

Amazingly, the film version isn't too awfully different from those early comic appearances! About the only thing missing are the red gloves.

By the way, that partial mask that Dr. Poison wears to cover up her horrific facial injuries is very much like the ones worn by actual WWI veterans. Plastic surgery was in its infancy in the 1910s, and there was only so much doctors could do to repair ruined faces. That's where an artist named Francis Derwent Wood stepped in. She took plaster casts of her patients and created full or partial masks out of copper, painted to match their skin tones. They were often held on with a string around the head or attached to a pair of eyeglasses.


• Oddly enough, General Ludendorff was a real person! He was second-in-command of Germany's entire war effort, and made a name for himself fighting against Russia on the Eastern Front. 

In 1918 he came up with a plan to end the war, called the Spring Offensive. This plan sent Germany's best troops to attack the Western Front, in hope of winning the war before the Americans arrived.


Unfortunately the Spring Offensive was an extremely costly and bloody battle. Casualties were so high that the Germans had nothing left when the Allies eventually counterattacked.


The real Ludendorff reportedly became increasingly unhinged as WWI went on— not due to inhaling gas that gave him superpowers, as in the movie, but because of the massive stress he was under, plus the fact that he only got one hour of sleep per night.


• The movie desperately wants us to believe that Ares is responsible for all of humanity's wars. In fact the instant after Ares is killed, the German soldiers drop their weapons, milling about in confusion as if they've been under a spell the past four years.

So... what about WWII? The Korean War? Vietnam? The Gulf War? Iraq? All the hundreds of other smaller skirmishes taking place in virtually every country in the world? Ares didn't cause those. I guess humanity just likes war then?


On first examination it was a clever idea to imply Ares was responsible for WWI, but the idea falls apart with even the smallest scrutiny.


• So what did Wonder Woman do after this film? What'd she do during WWII? Did she sit it out, or fight the good fight against the Nazis? How about all the other conflicts since then? Given that we see her living in modern day Paris at the end of the film, I assume she didn't go back to Themyscira and has spent the years fighting the good fight.


• In the comics, Wonder Woman's lasso had one, and only one power— it compelled anyone who was bound by it to speak the truth.

It's used that way in the film of course, but Diana also uses it as a secondary weapon. She swings it around like an indestructible whip, and even uses it to wrap around bad guys and fling them across the room.


Diana also gains another new power in the film— now when she smashes her wrist gauntlets together, they emanate a powerful shockwave that knocks everyone in the vicinity on their collective asses. 


And you know what? I'm OK with these additions! I don't mind Wonder Woman having a few weapons in her arsenal besides her fists, as it keeps her from becoming just a female version of Superman.


• At one point Diana steals a blue dress and infiltrates the gala, looking for Ludendorff. She spots him in the crowd and reaches for her "Godkiller" sword, which she's hidden down the back of her dress.

Yow! Let's hope she somehow had the scabbard stuffed down her dress as well, so she doesn't slice her legs (and other parts) to ribbons!

• When it was first announced that the Wonder Woman film would be set during WWI, I was puzzled. Why change it from her traditional 1940s WWII setting? I think I know the answer
— to try and distance it a bit from Marvel's Captain America: The First Avenger.

Even with the change of setting, there are still a LOT of
 parallels between Wonder Woman and Captain America: The First Avenger.

Captain America: Takes place primarily in the past, during WWII.

Wonder Woman: Takes place primarily in the past, mostly during WWI.

Captain America: Ends with the hero living in the present day. 
Wonder Woman: Begins and ends with the hero living in the present day.

Captain America: Features an innocent, straight-laced superhero who was created to end the war. 
Wonder Woman: Features an innocent, straight-laced superhero who was created to end the war. 

Captain America: Features the hero battling the Red Skull, an insane Nazi scientist.
Wonder Woman: Features the hero battling General Ludendorff, an insane German officer, Dr. Poison, and insane German scientist, and Ares, an insane Greek god.

Captain America: Features a ragtag group of mercenaries— The Howling Commandos— who help out the hero.
Wonder Woman: Features a ragtag group of mercenaries, who help out the hero.

Captain America: Features Cap falling in love with Peggy Carter, but their relationship is cut short by his seeming death.
Wonder Woman: Features Steve Trevor falling in love with Diana, but their relationship is cut short by his actual death.

Captain America: Ends with the hero, Steve Rogers, sacrificing himself by stealing a bomb -filled plane and crashing it into the Arctic, saving humanity.
Wonder Woman: Ends with Steve Trevor sacrificing himself by stealing a mustard gas-filled plane and exploding it high in the atmosphere, saving humanity.

Wow. That's way too many similarities to be completely coincidental. Some of those had to be on purpose.


• 
When Man Of Steel came out, many fans (including myself) gave Superman a ton of sh*t for almost singlehandedly destroying Metropolis, as well as needlessly executing Zod at the end of the film. That movie, plus its followup Batman V Superman, caused many fans to dub DC's shared cinematic world the DC Murderverse.


Sadly, Wonder Woman continues this violent trend. Diana cuts a wide and bloody swath through the Murderverse, killing dozens (maybe even hundreds) of German soldiers along the way before ultimately disintegrating Ares.


Worst of all, she straight up executes Ludendorff without the benefit of a trial. It wasn't self defense or lawful killing during wartime. It was pure, undiluted murder. Sure, he was an evil asshole who deserved to die, but that's for the courts to decide, not her. To make things even worse, she killed him for the wrong reason, as she mistakenly believed he was Ares!


Despite all that, I've not heard one single peep about Diana's massive body count in her debut film. Everyone's going out of their way to commend the movie for being "light" and "joyful," which is a load of bullsh*t. Why does Wonder Woman get a pass, but Man Of Steel doesn't? Are people afraid to criticize this movie, fearing it'll make 'em look anti-feminist?


I ain't afraid to go there! I'll say it plain and simple: Wonder Woman is every bit as dark and violent as Man Of Steel, Batman V Superman and Suicide Squad, if not more so, and a worthy addition to the DC Murderverse.


• Like ninety percent of all Marvel and DC movies in the past ten years or so, Wonder Woman features a criminally underwritten and uninteresting main villain. All through the movie, Ares is talked about and built up as a massive threat against all humanity. Then in a surprising "twist" that's supposed to be clever, when Ares finally shows up, he's not the man we thought, who appeared in numerous scenes all through the movie. He turns out to be the stuffy old mustachioed British bureaucrat who's had thirty seconds of screen time! Fail!

Even when Ares transforms into his armored video game boss mode, you can still see his mustache behind the slit in his helmet. Seriously? This is definitely one time an impossibly buff, all-CGI villain would have been appropriate.

Congratulations, Wonder Woman writers! Yellowjacket from the Ant-Man movie is no longer the lamest live action supervillain!

I think it would have worked better if Dr. Poison had turned out to be Ares. Then we could have had a knock-down, drag out fight between two lady characters, which would fit much better with the film's female aesthetic.

• I like the first two thirds of the movie quite a bit, but as I mentioned earlier, it kind of fell apart in the third act. The writing was smart and compelling up to that point, and then it turned into the typical Cliched Superhero Movie Ending, complete with a battle between the hero and villain, filled with CGI, energy beams and tons of explosions.

In fact the last act of Wonder Woman was VERY similar to the end of Batman V Superman, featuring the same tone, scope and most of all, destruction. That's something I definitely never want to see again.

• I was sad to see Steve Trevor die at the end of the film, but I understand the decision to kill him off. Storywise his sacrifice was necessary to prove to Diana that ALL humanity weren't evil dicks. Plus even if he hadn't died in this movie, he'd surely be dead by the time of the framing sequence, as he'd be around 130 years old in the present day!

Maybe Steve could reappear via flashback in the inevitable sequel? Or Chris Pine could show up in the present day, as the great-grandson of Steve Trevor (which is similar to what happened on the 1970s TV series).

Wonder Woman is a fun, action-packed superhero origin story, and the only DCEU movie that's worth watching so far. It's not perfect though, as it features an underwritten villain and falls apart in the third act, but it's still worth a look. Sadly it's likely too dark and violent for the young girls who're most likely to look up to the character. Try and ignore all the controversy surrounding the film and just enjoy it for what it is. I give it a solid B.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

I WONDER What They Were Thinking?

This is the new poster for the upcoming Wonder Woman movie. Among other things, it's the perfect visual representation of the word "afterthought."

Graphic Designer: "As promised, here's the Wonder Woman poster you hired me to create."
Warner Bros. Executive: "It's perfect! We absolutely love it! It's just what we wanted! We just have one small change."
Graphic Designer:  "Uh-oh."Warner Bros. Executive: "We need to remind people that Chris Pine's also in the movie. Our research shows that women respond positively to him, so we need to include him in the poster."Graphic Designer: "But... but it's finished. I can't add another character to it NOW."Warner Bros. Executive: "Sure you can! Just drop him in there! How hard could it be?"
Graphic Designer: "It's a character poster. As in ONE character. If I add another person, it'll throw off the entire composition! I'm gonna have to start all over and it's gonna take another week at least!"
Warner Bros. Executive: "Why are you making such a big deal about this? Just add him to the poster!"
Graphic Designer: "Fine. You want Chris Pine on your poster? You got 'im!"
(works in Photoshop for literally thirty seconds)
Graphic Designer: "There ya go!"
Warner Bros. Executive: "Pefect! See? Was that so hard?"

I am 1000% positive that the above conversation took place verbatim at some point at Warner Bros. Studios.

You know, if they deleted the Chris Pine layer in Photoshop, this would be a nice poster, with a fairly striking design.

Why does it just say "Wonder?" What happened to the "Woman" part? Did they have to delete that to make room for Chris Pine's intrusive head? Why aren't the SJWs complaining that a Wonder Woman poster doesn't have the word "woman" in it?

Lastly, is... is she generating sparks by scraping her sword on her boob armor? Yes. Yes she is.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

2017 Box Office Predictions Part 2 (May Thru August)

Last year my nephew Kyle sent me a list of his 2016 box office predictions, and I posted them here on my blog, along with my own thoughts and comments about the upcoming films.

Unfortunately we didn't do so well, as Kyle's predictions had a 41% accuracy rate, and mine was even worse at 37%. That's less than an F on the standard grading scale! I guess we vastly underestimated the general moviegoing public's willingness to sit through literally anything.

I found a list of upcoming 2017 releases, so we decided to try our hands at predicticating again. 
There were way too many movies to cover all in one go, so I'm splitting them up. The following reviews are for May through August. You can see our predictions for January through April here.

My comments are in red, while Kyle's are in blue. Note that he isn't making very many predictions this year, as he's only concerned with films he plans to see.

May
Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2
Marvel’s space opera hit gets a sequel, bringing back all your favorite characters and adding a few new ones too, including Kurt Russell as Star-Lord's dad. 
Premieres May 5.

Bob: No question this will be another major hit for Marvel. The first Guardians grossed $773 million worldwide. I would expect this one to do at least $800 million, if not more.

Kyle: $850-900 million easy. One of the biggest hits of the summer.


King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword

Guy Ritchie's take on the Arthurian legend was announced way back in 2014, as the first of a SIX film series (!). 

Bob: I reeeeeeally wouldn't get my hopes up for five more sequels. The trailer doesn't look bad, but it's got a brutal release date, coming out just a week after Guardians Of The Galaxy. Ouch! 

It was supposed to come out in July of 2016, but Warner Bros. moved it back to February of 2017, then March, and then finally May. Multiple delays like that are never, ever a good sign.

Plus I don't see the public turning out in droves to see Charlie Hunnam. I don't see it passing the $100 million mark. I think it'll be lucky if it makes $80 million.

Alien: Covenant
Sigh... somebody please stop Ridley Scott! He's making yet another ALIEN prequel, and says he wants to make SIX more! It's got a great cast, including Michael Fassbender, Danny McBride and Billy Crudup, but it looks like a virtual remake of the first film. 
Premieres May 19.

Bob: I have a strange love/hate relationship with the ALIEN franchise. I like ALIEN a lot, I absolutely love ALIENS, I've never seen ALIEN 3 and refuse to acknowledge that it even exists, and I was disappointed and underwhelmed by ALIEN: Resurrection.

I was also NOT a fan of Prometheus, as I thought it was nothing more than a lame stealth remake of ALIEN. It made an astonishing $403 million though, proving people will see anything with a title they recognize. I think some viewers will feel burned by
Prometheus (HAW!) though, and may skip this one. I'm predicting it'll make around $200 million.

Kyle: Like with King Kong: Skull Island, this is another movie I wish would hurry up and get out of the way so we can get Neil Blomkamp's Alien 5, which will see the return of Sigourney Weaver and Michael Biehn, and will ignore the events of Alien 3 and Alien: Resurrection (I'm assuming that Alien 5 will not be the final title). 


This was about to enter production when Ridley Scott "politely asked" (read: strong armed) the studio to delay that movie until after his Prometheus sequel. Alien 5 is now planned to enter production in late 2017 with a possible release in late 2018 or early 2019. Thanks for nothing Ridley.

Box office prediction: I hope it bombs hard enough to end Ridley Scott's career, but not hard enough to delay Alien 5 any further.


Bob: Don't mince words, Kyle. What do you really think?

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Six years after his last cinematic outing, Captain Jack Sparrow returns and gads about the screen again, muttering incoherently about treasure or something. Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem and Geoffrey Rush star, and Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly reprise their roles as well. 
Premieres May 26.

Bob: Ugh, another one of these? I saw the first three, but gave the fourth a miss. I guess I can see why Johnny Depp wants to keep pumping them out though, as he's not exactly setting the box office on fire these days, and this series is about all he's got going for him. The alleged domestic abuse case against him was eventually proved false, but the damage is already done, as it irreparably tarnished his image.

The fourth film premiered a whopping six years ago, and only grossed $241 million in the States. However it made an unbelievable $804 MILLION in the rest of the world, for a grand total of over a BILLION DOLLARS!!!

I think it'll be a flop here, grossing less than its $320 million budget, but the worldwide market will save it.


June

Wonder Woman
DC's latest attempt to emulate Marvel and cash in on that sweet, sweet shared-universe pie. Critics and fans haven't been kind to the DC Extended Universe films, so there's a lot riding on this one. If it tanks, it's gonna damage the upcoming Justice League as well, and may do in the DCEU altogether. Premieres June 2.

Bob: Batman V. Superman and Suicide Squad made $875 million and $745 million respectively, despite both being steaming piles of hot garbage. So it doesn't matter if Wonder Woman is a good film or not, it'll inexplicably make a crap-ton of money as well. I don't think it'll do quite as well as Suicide Squad though, so I'm gonna say it'll gross around $600 worldwide.

Captain Underpants
Based on the popular series of kid's books, and starring Ed Helms as the title voice. 
Premieres June 2.

Bob: Kids love the book series, and it's a CGI cartoon, so it's already a hit. If Boss Baby can gross almost $400 million worldwide, I see no reason why this won't do the same or better.

The Mummy
Tom Cruise hunts an ancient evil Egyptian princess in modern times. Depending on who you ask and which story you believe, the film may or may not be an attempt at starting a new Universal Monsters shared universe. 
Premieres June 9.

Bob: The trailer didn't do anything for me, as it looked more like another Mission: Impossible movie than a horror film. The film went through three directors, which is never a good sign, and it's produced by Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, the hacks, er, producers who brought the world such fine cinematic achievements as Star Trek Into Darkness, Now You See Me 1 & 2 and Enders Game. 

As a result of this I have absolutely zero confidence in the film, and no desire to see it whatsoever. Despite this, I think it might gross around $250 million.

It Comes At Night
A moody horror film about a man (Joel Edgerton) trying to protect his family in a remote location after a world-wide disaster. Premieres June 9.

Bob: The trailer certainly looks good, but I've been burned by flashy previews before. I can't tell if the titular threat is an actual creature stalking the characters (good!) or if it's one of those "The Real Danger Is Man!" movies (bad!). 

There's a lot of buzz about this film, and low budget horror films generally always make a small profit. This comes out the same weekend as The Mummy though, so I have a feeling it's gonna get buried. I think it'll make around $50 million.

Cars 3
It's been six years since the previous movie came out— will kids flock to this followup, or will they finally tire (get it?) of talking cars? The trailer indicates the franchise is taking a very dark turn, which seems ill-advised for a kids' film. 
Premieres June 16.

Bob: I wasn't a big fan of Doc Hollywood, er, I mean Cars when it came out, and I didn't even bother seeing the second one. They're not making these movies for me though, so what I think doesn't matter. It's Pixar, so it'll automatically gross at least $350 million.

Transformers: The Last Knight
Michael Bay hates humanity with a white hot passion, as evidenced by the fact that he keeps pumping out these films. This one's supposedly a soft reboot of the franchise. Yes, we wouldn't want the Transformers movies bogged down with too much story and continuity now, would we? 
Premieres June 23.

Bob: I have just one question for Michael Bay: How the hell did he talk Sir Anthony Hopkins into starring in a goddamned Transformers movie?


Man, Transformers: Age Of Extinction will go down in my personal history as the film that almost broke me. It was a grueling endurance test to sit through, felt like it was six hours long, and I just wanted to get up and go home. I would have, but I didn't drive to the theater. Maybe I should have sprang for a taxi.

Against all logic and reason, these films have always been huge hits— Age Of Extinction grossed over ONE BILLION DOLLARS!!!! I expect no different from this one. I'm gonna predict it'll gross at $800 million at the absolute least.


Amityville: The Awakening
According to wikipedia, this is the 
tenth installment in the main Amityville franchise and nineteenth overall. I have no idea what that means, but I do know that nineteen Amityville movies is about eighteen too many. Premieres June 30.

Bob: No lie, I've been seeing the trailer for this cinematic turd off and on since 2014. That is not an exaggeration. It must be exceptionally bad if it's been delayed for three years. I smell a bomb.

Despicable Me 3
Gru's back, and this time clashes his long-lost, more successful brother Dru. Oh, and the Minions return too, of course. 
Premieres June 30.

Bob: The first film grossed $543 million, while the second made a mind boggling $970 million. Could this one cross the billion dollar mark? I'm gonna say no, as the all-Minions Minions movie may have stolen some of this film's thunder. I predict around $750 - $800 million.

July

Spider-Man: Homecoming
Yay, Spider-Man's getting rebooted yet again, for the THIRD time in just fifteen years. This one's produced by Marvel Studios though, which may make it worth a look. 
Premieres July 7.

Bob: You know the story by now— after the two subpar Andrew Garfield Spider-Man movies, Sony admitted they have no idea what they're doing and asked Marvel Studios to make a new film for them. So it's got the Marvel Studios magic touch going for it.

On the other hand, this is the SIXTH Spider-Man film and the THIRD reboot in just fifteen years. I'm afraid the general public might be Spider-Manned out.

On the other other hand, fans made a huge deal out of his small cameo in Captain America: Civil War, so there may be some life left in the franchise after all. I'm gonna guess it'll gross around $600 million.


Kyle: Despite this being a Marvel movie on paper, Sony still has some influence on this movie, and that concerns me. This is the studio ran by Amy Pascal (who greenlit Ghostbusters 2016 and is currently pushing hard for a live action Barbie flick staring Amy Schumer) and Tom Rothman (former fox executive who fought against a Deadpool movie for over a decade, saying that he "didn't get it" and that it would never be a big hit, and who also greenlit Passengers and thought it would be a giant hit for the studio). 


Needless to say, despite Marvel's involvement, I'm not confident that Spider-Man is in good hands yet. Still, should gross at least $750-800 million.

War For The Planet Of The Apes
The third (and final?) film in the rebooted Planet Of The Apes series. This time Caesar the chimp leads his ape army against human Woody Harrelson for control of the world. 
Premieres July 14.

Bob: Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes grossed an impressive $481 million, while the sequel, Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes nearly doubled that, at $710 million. I'm betting this one will do at least as well or better than Dawn. I predict around $850 million.

Kyle: I really like the last two planet of the apes movies, and I believe that they are some of the best examples of how to do a reboot-sequel-requel-prequel the right way. The last two entries in the series grossed $481 and $710 respectively, I think this one will split the difference, and land somewhere between $550-$625, which should be enough to ensure a 4th film to wrap up the series, assuming that this is not planned as the final part.

Dunkirk

Christopher Nolan's big budget WWII film, which, as you might expect from the title, is about the Battle Of Dunkirk. Premieres July 21.

Bob: I'm not a huge fan of Christopher Nolan. I liked Inception quite a bit, but his Dark Knight movies didn't do anything for me, and I hated Interstellar. So I have little interest in this one.

Oddly enough, Michael Caine's nowhere to be seen in this movie, but Nolan regulars Tom Hardy and Cillian Murphy are in it of course. It also stars Harry Styles. Yeah, that Harry Styles, of One Direction fame.

I can't find any info on the film's budget yet, but Nolan reportedly earned a whopping, record-breaking $20 million dollars to direct (!). Nolan's insisting on practical effects again, refurbishing old WWII ships to use in filming. Given all that, I'd expect the budget to be at least $200 million. It's gonna have to be a massive hit just to break even. I think it'll probably make $100 to $150 million here, but be saved by the overseas grosses.

Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets
From the director of The Fifth Element comes The Fifth Element 2, er, I mean this big budget sci-fi epic based on the long-running French comic book. 
Premieres July 21.

Bob: I've been a fan of the comic for years (the art more than the story), so I hope this does well. It looks a lot like The Fifth Element, which makes sense since both were directed by Luc Besson.

Unfortunately it also looks a lot like Jupiter Ascending, which was a huge bomb a couple years ago. Could its failure taint Valerian? Possibly.

The comic's pretty well known in Europe, but virtually unknown here in the States. It'll definitely do better overseas than it does here. Sadly I think it'll get lost among all the other summer movies— especially Dunkirk, which opens the same weekend— and flop hard here, but be saved by the foreign market. I'm betting it'll gross around $300 million worldwide.


The Dark Tower
Stephen King's epic fantasy gets the live action movie treatment. Idris Elba stars as the Gunslinger, a man who wanders an otherdimensional world as he searches for both the Man In Black and the Dark Tower. Premieres July 28.

Bob: I've been a Stephen King fan for decades, but I tried to read the first novel in this series and quickly gave up,. As a result I know little or nothing about the property and have zero attachment to it. From what I've read, the movie takes great liberties with the novel, changing a LOT of elements, which is sure to piss off the hardcore fans. I don't see it being a huge hit, and bet it'll barely break even.

Kyle: Never heard of this? You're not alone. This is based on Stephen King's seven part Dark Tower series of novels. Depending on who you ask it's either King's magnum opus or his half-assed attempt to do a Lord Of The Rings style fantasy epic. Like George R.R. Martin's Game Of Thrones series, King was notoriously slow to write this series, with Book 1 released in 1982, book 2 in 1987, book 3 in 1991, and book 4 in 1997. In between books 4 and 5, King had his famous accident in which he was hit by a car and came very close to death. Realizing that he had a responsibility to the fans, he finished the series and book 5 was released in 2003, and books 6 and 7 were both released in 2004. Unfortunately, the rush job shows and (in my opinion) parts of book 5, and most of book 6 and 7 are basically unreadable.

A film adaptation has been in development since 2007, which J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof attached, which would have meant a version of the film that posed countless questions it had no intention of answering. Ron Howard become attached in 2010, and for a few years the plan was to have the franchise start with a film, go to a season on TV, have another film, then another TV season, and then conclude with a final film.
This was dropped due to the logistics of such a project and fears of audience confusion. 


(No doubt! I got confused just reading that sentence!)

In terms of what this film will be, see spoilers below (drag your cursor over the text to highlight it):

This will be pretty oversimplified, but the seventh book ends with the timeline essentially reset, with the main character starting his journey all over again, but this time with a special artifact that was broken and destroyed in the original timeline, and with it the journey will be able to be finished for reals this team. (told you it was stupid and nearly unreadable). 


Thus, the movie will apparently serve was a sequel or sorts to the book series, and not an adaptation. I’m confused by that, and general audiences who have no context for the books will be as well. I’m not sure why this is being made, and I can’t see it being anything other than a massive box office bomb.

August

The Emoji Movie
Another week, another CGI animated kids' movie. This one, as you might have guessed from the title, concerns talking emojis. It features an impressive cast, including T.J. Miller, Anna Faris, James Corden, Maya Rudolph, Steven Wright and Rob Riggle. 


It also stars Sir Patrick Stewart, who voices the Poop emoji (!). Remember when Patrick Stewart was a respected actor, and a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company? I miss those days. Premieres August 4.

Bob: I realize I'm not the target audience for this kind of film, but this looks dreadful. And really, Sony? You're doing "Sh*t Happens" on posters for kid's movies now? Classy!

Sony's had some moderate success with their Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs series, The Smurfs movies and The Hotel Transylvania franchise. I'm gonna say this one will make $400 million at the most.


Blazing Samurai
Earth 2 Kung Fu Panda, er, I mean Blazing Samurai concerns a dog who yearns to become a master swordsman. It features the requisite all-star voice cast, including Ricky Gervais, Michael Cera (!), Mel Brooks, Michelle Yeoh and Samuel L. Jackson. Premieres August 4.

Bob: Looks like a Kung Fu Panda clone. Do we really need another one of those? It has an amazing voice cast, but CGI kid movies don't tend to do well unless they're made by Pixar, Disney or Dreamworks. This one's made by Jam Filled Toronto, whatever the hell that is. 


I don't see it being a hit, plus it comes out the same weekend as The Emoji Movie, which seems like bad planning to me. The Emoji Movie is gonna absolutely bury this one.. I'll be surprised if this one makes $150 million.

Annabelle 2
I like The Conjuring movies quite a bit. The Annabelle spinoff, not as much. Now we're getting Annabelle's completely unnecessary origin story, in what has to be a first-- a prequel to a spinoff of a movie in a successful franchise. 
Premieres August 11.

Bob: The first film was a surprise hit, grossing $256 million against its meager $6 million budget. Wow! I would expect this one to be no less successful. I predict it'll make around $300 million.

Cadaver
An ex-cop takes a job in a morgue. Hijinx ensure when an evil entity possesses one of the corpses. Premieres August 25.


Bob: I've never heard a peep about this film until now. It's the usual situation— if the budget is low enough, it could be a moderate hit. One again, it comes out the same weekend as another horror film, which seems like an idiotic idea to me. I'm betting it'll make around $40 million.

Polaroid
Another small horror movie, this one about an old polaroid camera that kills anyone whose picture gets taken with it. Premieres August 25.

Bob: I'm pretty sure The Twilight Zone did this exact same plot fifty years ago. No matter how scary it might be, it's gonna suffer from coming out the same weekend as Cadaver. I'm betting it'll make $50 million at the most.
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