This Seems Like More Hansel And Gretel Movies Than Is Necessary

Currently playing in theaters is the film Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. It's a big, dumb, goofy, outrageous but fun movie all about a grown up Hansel and Gretel who make a living hunting down and killing witches. I'll be giving it a proper review soon.

Fairy tales for adults are hot right now, and Hollywood was so impressed with this high-concept idea that studios immediately sprang into action, churning out no less than four Hansel and Gretel as adults rip-offs, er, I mean homages. Seriously, four.

Leading the charge of course is The Asylum studio. They wasted no time in coming out with their own same-name direct-to-dvd version in order to confuse dull-witted consumers into purchasing it, thinking it's the theatrical version (which of course is their entire business model).

Unlike the theatrical version, this film is set in modern times. This adult Hansel & Gretel work in a bakery run by a woman who's secretly a witch (played by Dee Wallace). Oh, sorry-- SPOILERS!

Another Hansel and Gretel film set in the present day. This time the pair are teens sent to a mysterious boarding school where the other students and the teachers are secretly witches.

If nothing else, let's give a big round of applause to this film for having the courage to list right there on the cover the names Fivel and Booboo Stewart for everyone to see. Oddly enough, Fivel is the girl and Booboo is the guy. For some inexplicable reason the two play characters named Ella and Jonah in the movie. This makes me suspect that the film has little or nothing to do with the Hansel and Gretel tale and was renamed at the last second as a less than subtle cash-grab.

It also stars Eric Roberts, so you know you're in for some good acting. If you want to see some first class emoting go look up the 1996 Doctor Who TV movie, in which Roberts played The Master. You'll be glad you did. Just be sure to sweep the floor first because your jaw will be hitting it.

The film also stars Judy Norton for some unfathomable reason. If you grew up in the 1970s you'll know that Norton played Mary Ellen on The Waltons. To quote Obi-Wan: "Now that's a name I haven't heard in a lonnnnng time. A long time."

Maybe she's hoping to throw off her wholesome Waltons image again, like the time she posed for Playboy back in 1985.

And then we have Witchslayer Gretl. No idea what's up with her name here; if I had to guess I'd say maybe that's the original Germanic spelling? Finally, a ripoff that takes place in the proper ancient setting. In this film, an adult Hansel returns to the haunted forest to seek revenge on the witch who killed his beloved sister Gretl. But surprise! Gretl's still alive and has become the evil witch's protege! Take that, Hansel!

This was actually a TV movie, and you just know it premiered on Siffy. Er, I mean SyFy. It's got their greasy fingerprints all over it.

Kudos to the filmmakers I suppose for having the courage to hire Shannon Doherty. Not everyone would have the stamina and resolve for such an undertaking. And yes, her eyes still aren't even close to being level.

And then there's this, which is allegedly a theatrical release, supposedly coming sometime this year. How much do you want to bet it'll be late?

This is apparently another modern update of the story, in which a brother and sister battle a witch who lures teens into her suburban home with marijuana, then kills and eats them to preserve her youth. I'm laughing uncontrollably already.

Lara Flynn Boyle stars as the witch who's murdering to preserve her youth, which seems poignantly appropriate.

The poster art claims the movie's from the Producer of Twilight. You know, The Producer. The guy whose name has become a household word, symbolizing quality. They don't even have to print his name, he's so famous. He produced the hell out of Twilight so well that you just know this movie's gonna be good. I don't even bother seeing a movie unless The Producer produced it.

So if you're the type who just can't get enough of the classic Hansel and Gretel tale, and have been asking yourself "What happens next?" then get thee to the video store.

The Walking Dead Season 3, Episode 9: The Suicide King

Well, The Walking Dead's back after a nine month hiatus. OK, so it wasn't that long, but it seems like it.

The first half of Season 3 was a non-stop roller coaster ride of action, suspense, death and gore-- everything that makes the show great. Unfortunately none of that is on display in this episode. One would think they'd want to kick off the start of the second half with a bang, rather than the whimper we got here. 

Most of the events in this episode went nowhere and felt like stall tactics. Daryl leaves with Merle, but we all know he's gonna be back. Rick tells Michonne she has to leave as soon as she's healed, but we know she's not going anywhere. Rick also refuses to let Tyrone's group in and we know that's not gonna happen either. They're all story lines that have no real purpose other than existing long enough to be resolved in time for the big Season 3 finale. 

• I am definitely not a fan of these prolonged mid-season breaks that are infesting current TV series. It might not be so bad in a series that features stand-alone episodes, but it's death when a serialized show does it. It destroys any and all momentum in the storyline. It's dangerous for a series too. When my favorite show isn't on for a while I find other things to do to occupy my time. When it finally comes back, I may or may not have the time to start watching it again.

Plus I barely remember what happened in the previous episode all those months ago. Something about running away from zombies, some woman hatched a dragon out of an egg, I think Matthew and Lady Mary finally got together, and wasn't there something about a smoke monster?

• The plot, in a nutshell: After last year's big cliffhanger, Merle and Daryl got out of their jam (to no one's surprise) and were rescued by Rick and Maggie. Rick refused to let Merle into the prison, so Daryl decided to take off with his brother. Rick is introduced to Tyreese, but refuses to let his group stay because he freaks out and starts seeing Lori, who's apparently found a way to nag him from beyond the grave.

• I'll say it again: no one plays an asshole better than Michael Rooker. Two minutes after he's been rescued from seeming death he's cracking jokes and demeaning his saviors.

• I'm becoming increasingly disappointed with TV Michonne. The comic book version of her is absolutely awesome and I was very excited when she finally popped up in the series. Unfortunately the TV version is nothing like her comic counterpart. TV Michonne is nothing more than a one note, snarling and growling asshole who acts more like a feral child raised by wolves than a human being. It pains me to say it, but at this point she's become less likable than Merle. Hell, I think I actually like Merle more. He's an asshole too, but at least he's a personable asshole.

• After Rick and Co. return to the prison we see Carol comforting Axel. It took me a minute to figure out why Axel was so upset-- it's because his pal Oscar was just killed in the raid on Woodbury. You know, the raid that happened an hours ago for the characters but three months ago for the audience. A perfect example of why these interminable mid-season breaks are a bad idea.

• Speaking of Axel, why is Herschel allowing his daughter Beth to walk around unescorted with him? Surely Carol would have told him to keep an eye on Axel after witnessing his skeevy advances toward Beth sometime last year. Did they sit him down and tell him how disappointed they were in him, and he promised to never do it again?

• Kudos to whoever's doing the cgi work on Herschel. If I didn't know better I'd really believe he'd lost a leg.

• I continue to be puzzled by TV Andrea and her actions. Her new boyfriend the Governor forces Daryl to fight for his life against a group of walkers. She finds out he tortured Glenn and Maggie inside Woodbury. And then he tells her that she doesn't mean anything to him because she hasn't made a commitment to the town. This is all in addition to her finding out he was keeping a zombie daughter chained up in his apartment, along with a bunch of fish tanks full of undead heads. And she STILL doesn't leap over the wall and get the hell out of Woodbury! I honestly don't understand where the writers are going with her character. At this point I really don't care what happens to TV Andrea. 

• Credit where credit's due: I'll say one thing for TV Andrea-- she's a hell of a motivational speaker. After the zombie attack the residents of Woodbury are in a state of panic, and rightly so. They're ready to flee the town and take their chances on the outside. Andrea completely calms the frazzled nerves of the mob with just a few seconds of lame platitudes.

• I liked the little moment between Herschel and Glenn, in which he tells him he considers him his son. We need more moments like that between (in between all the kill shots) if we're supposed to feel anything toward these characters.

The moment between Carol and dead-eyed preteen Carl was also well done.

• I'm assuming the shadowy figure of Ghost Lori was really played by Sarah Wayne Callies, since she was still listed in the opening credits.

• If I was Tyreese and I'd just witnessed Rick's little meltdown I would forget the idea of staying in the prison, gather my belongings and say, "Well, thanks for the food and medicine, but we don't want to overstay our welcome! Bye, guys! You keep in touch, you hear? We'll have to get together for lunch one of these days, OK? Bye!"

• I'm hopeful that this episode isn't a taste of what's to come for the rest of the season and the story ramps up again next week!

It's All In The Title

This week NBC announced they're canceling their new medical drama Do No Harm after just two extremely low-rated episodes. The series premiere could only manage an anemic rating of .9 (which somehow adds up to just 3.1 million viewers), making it the lowest rated season opener in the history of network television. Congratulations!

If you ask me, what torpedoed this series wasn't poor writing or mediocre acting. It was the title. The extremely misleading and uninformative title. When I say Do No Harm, which of the following do you think of?

A.  A series about an idealistic young female doctor who travels to the big city to become a resident and learns that healing the soul is just as important as healing the body.

B.  A show about a former soldier of fortune who turns over a new leaf and travels the world trying to right the wrongs he's committed.

C.  The story of a neurosurgeon who, every night at precisely 8:25 pm, transforms into an evil personality in a modern take on the Jekyll and Hyde story.

If you picked A or B then you're a reasonable person with an ordered and logical mind. You're also dead wrong. Believe it or not Do No Harm was about a mild-mannered doctor who transforms into a Mr. Hyde type character.

Who would ever look at that title and think, "Ah, Do No Harm. That's obviously a modern Jekyll and Hyde tale. I'm intrigued!" No one, that's who! No wonder nobody watched the poor show. I might have actually been interested in a (well-written) Jekyll and Hyde series, but I'd never know one existed if I saw that title in the listings. Whoever came up with that cockamamie title needs a good firing. Stat!

Surely there was something, anything else they could have named the thing. Heck, here's a list of better titles just off the top of my head:

• Dr. Jekyll, I Presume
• Paging Dr. Jekyll
• Dr. Jekyll, MD.  Mr. Hyde, er, not MD
• Two Doctors, One Body

• Doctor Jekyll, Medicine Woman

• I'm Jekyll, He's Finster

• Dr. Kill-Dare

• EMERGENCY! (may already be taken)

• J*E*K*Y*L*L

• Diagnosis: Supernatural Schizophrenia

• Wait Till You Get My Bill!

See? It's not rocket science, guys!

Immortalized

So last night I'm watching The Walking Dead on AMC and I see a commercial for a new show called Immortalized. AMC's website describes Immortalized as:

AMC's unscripted (heh) series brings viewers into the captivating and provocative world of creative and competitive taxidermy. 

Apparently there is such a thing as "competitive taxidermy." And it's captivating and provocative.

You know, it's one thing to stuff that squirrel you shot in the backyard for your own personal enjoyment, but you just don't get the same thrill as when you pit it against your neighbor's stuffed hamster in the Semi-Annual Regional Mount-Off Finals.

Things You Should Know About Me: Courtroom Artist

I was once a courtroom artist.

Back in the early 1990s I got a phone call from my former high school art teacher. He was moonlighting at a local TV station as their graphic designer and said they needed a courtroom artist for a prominent area murder trial. He wasn't available (due to his daytime job as art teacher) and asked if I'd be interested. Being the young and dumb artist that I was back then I enthusiastically agreed to do it. I was sure that such a high profile gig would get me noticed and lead to more work.

I showed up at the courthouse the next day, drawing tablet and colored pencils in hand. Things took a turn for the worse early on as I saw that everyone had to pass through a metal detector to enter the courtroom. Right before it was my turn I suddenly remembered there was a metal X-Acto knife in my pencil box! As I was trying to think what to do, a policeman barked "Next!" at me and I sheepishly walked through the detector. Amazingly the knife didn't set off any alarms, so I spent the entire day in court with a knife on my person. Take that, courtroom security!

I took a seat and got out my pencils and paper. There was a stylish and attractive woman sitting next to me who glanced at what I was drawing from time to time. There was also a family of less than stylish people in the row in front of me who noticed what I was doing and kept turning around to watch. I didn't think much about them at the time.

The trial involved a defendant in his late twenties who was accused of killing an underage girl and burying her body in a shallow grave in a field. Real Citizen Of The Year material. There were lots of grisly descriptions of the body and the crime scene. It probably sounds interesting in a morbid kind of way, but it was anything but. Despite the way they're depicted on TV and in movies, courtroom trials are extremely tedious affairs. In fact it took several hours just for the two sides to decide if a certain word could be used to describe a piece of evidence, lest it color the jury's attitude.

As the trial dragged on I sat there and sketched the defendant trying to look innocent, the judge looking scholarly and pensive and the jury looking like wished they'd been smart enough to get out of duty. The family in front of me kept monitoring my progress, pointing and whispering excitedly to one another.

After what seemed like eons we broke for lunch. When I came back I took the same seat and noticed the family in front of me was gone. The stylish woman was there though and leaned over and introduced herself, telling me she was the prosecuting attorney's wife (!). Talk about a small world. She said that right after I left for lunch, the family in front of me asked her where I went (thinking that she knew me).

It turns out they were the family of the accused murderer! Apparently the mother of this clan was very impressed with my drawing abilities, especially my portrait of her son. You know, her son, the accused murderer. She actually asked the lawyer's wife if she knew how to get a copy of my drawing of him! What the hell was she going to do with it, frame it and set it on the mantel? 

"Let me show you my pichures, Betty! This here's my daughter Luann and her husband Junior, this one's of my sister Jolene and her third husband Eddie, these here are all my grandbabies, and this one... this one here's my pride and joy, drawn special by a genyoowine artist. It's my little boy Bill at his murder trial!"

Super Fashion

I went to the mall today for the first time in at least two years. As I was walking through Macy's I saw this:

New for Spring 2013! Fashions by Aquaman!

Aquaman! Son of Atlantis! Ruler of the Seven Seas! And now, King of the Catwalk!

Dive into the bold and provocative new styles in this exciting new line. Submerge yourself in these daring new color combinations created by the Monarch of the Deep. You won't be all wet when you drape yourself in Fashions by Aquaman. It'd be unfathomable not to!

Obviously!

Lawless? Sentenced? Wow, the jokes are writin' themselves today.

Drug Names That Sound Like Vocabulary Words

It must be tough for Big Pharma companies to come up with a name for a new drug. Most of the time they can't use the actual scientific name because it's too long and hard to pronounce, as well as meaningless. They need a catchier name, one that vaguely suggests its effects but doesn't mean anything embarrassing in a foreign language. They spend millions coming up with such names. In some cases, they needed to spend a million more. 

Here are more Drug Names That Sound Like Vocabulary Words (note: these are all honest-to-god actual names of real drugs).

Desonate

verb.

To render an area uninhabitable forever.

"The Johnson boys threw a wild kegger that completely desonated their parents' showplace home."

Intuniv

adjective.

Someone who easily grasps situations.
"Joan was very intuniv and immediately sensed that her blind date was a repellant troll.

Lysodren

noun.

The Bizarro world form of Nerdosyl.

Metrogel

noun.

A product that a young man preoccupied with fashion and grooming puts in his hair.

Nebcin

noun.

A German term of endearment.

"Come here, my little nebcin,' said the Burgermeister."

Pataday

noun.

Something your dog demands from you.

Penicillamine

noun.

Penicillin that belongs to the subject.
"Get your stinking paws off that Penicllamine, you damn dirty ape!"

Rescula

pronoun.

A vampire prince who works as a paramedic.
"At one time he was a heinous and repulsive monster, but Rescula turned over a new leaf and now works hard saving people's lives."

Theolair

noun.

A secret place in the Huxtable home in which their son Theo resides.
"Son, get your behind out of that Theolair now, with th' pudding and th' sneakers and th' britches hangin' down around your knees."

Vaniqa

pronoun.

A popular female African American name.

Voltaren

pronoun.

A giant robot formed when a series of smaller individual robots combine.

"Zaxathon is too strong for us to fight individually! If we're to defeat him we need to form Voltaren!"

Out Of Context Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. Moment

I was a big fan of Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. when I was a kid and would watch it every day in syndication. I recently started watching the series again and found that it's still pretty funny. Gomer can be a little grating, but Sergeant Carter, with his short-fused temper, was one of the greatest characters in sitcom history.

 So I'm watching the show today and at the end of the episode this happened:

Probably the oddest tag scene in the entire history of the series.

Bosses From The Eighth Circle Of Hell: The Exercise Bike

Throughout my career I've prided myself on working hard, performing what's asked of me to the best of my ability and being an all-around good employee. I've also done my best to get along with my various bosses.

Alas, sometimes that's just not possible. Sometimes you end up with a Boss From The Eighth Circle Of Hell.

Back in the 1990s I worked at a marketing agency for a rather colorful Boss.

The Boss' office was a sight to behold. Every flat surface, including the floor, was stacked ridiculously high with books, papers and folders. It looked not unlike the image above, from the Time Enough At Last episode of Twilight Zone. You had to navigate through the stacks of crap just to get from the door to his desk.

In the middle of all this chaos stood the Boss' exercise bike. Every morning he'd come into his office, climb onto the bike, spread his newspaper out across the handlebars, and sit there and read. At no point during this time did his legs ever once move even a fraction of an inch.

He'd sit there on the bike sipping coffee and reading the paper for an hour or so, then finally climb off and start his day in earnest.

Of course at every opportunity he would tell anyone within earshot about how he "rode" his exercise bike for an hour every morning.

It Came From The Cineplex: Jack Reacher, Django Unchained, Gangster Squad, The Last Stand

Jack Reacher
I only saw this film because I thought it was a horror movie called "Jack Creature." Wakka wakka!

I will confess that I've never been much of a Tom Cruise fan. That said, I don't shun his movies either. I think he's a pretty good actor despite his nuthouse personal life.

So far there have been 16 Jack Reacher novels written by author Lee Child. For some reason this movie is based on the novel One Shot, the 9th of the series. Why they didn't start with the first novel, I have no idea. You'll have to ask Mr. Cruise about that. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the books must all be pretty interchangeable if you can start off with number nine.

Many fans of the novels are outraged at the notion of the diminutive Tom Cruise playing the 6' 5", 250 pound blonde Jack Reacher. Never having read any of the books, this wasn't a problem for me.

The Plot:
An army sniper shoots and kills random citizens in Pittsburgh in a seemingly open and shut case. When arrested, his only words are, "Get Jack Reacher." Before the police can figure out what this means, the mysterious ex-military policeman Reacher appears and investigates the crime.

Pros:
• The film features some good action set pieces.

• The central mystery is well thought out.

•  Despite his sensational public life, Tom Cruise really is a pretty good actor.

Cons:
• The film features an extremely bland title that tells us nothing whatsoever about the film. It's every bit as bad as Disney's John Carter title from last year. They don't call James Bond movies "James Bond," so why use the character's name here? Would it have killed them to call it One Shot, the name of the novel upon which the film is based? Or if that's no good, how about Jack Reacher: One Shot? Hollywood loves titles with colons these days. Anything but the title we got.

• I know he's a male wish fulfillment fantasy but even so, Reacher is just too ridiculously perfect. He's an expert at everything he does: hand to hand combat, sharpshooting, knowledge of civilian and military police procedures, he's an expert driver, and has an eidetic memory. He even manages to draw a military pension while remaining "off the grid." Is there anything he can't do?

• Most of the fight scenes are very realistic and brutal, with one exception. When Reacher is investigating a suspect's home, there's a very odd Three Stooges-like fight in their bathroom. Three burly looking thugs rush Reacher, intent on beating him to a pulp, but they manage to pretty much knock each other out with their own weapons in the confined space of the shower. Reacher ends up having to do very little to defend himself as they beat up themselves. It was practically a slapstick fight and felt very out of place. Was it comedy relief? Was I supposed to laugh in the middle of this deadly serious story? Was the director out sick that day, and his assistant filmed this sequence?

• At one point in the movie Reacher is being chased through the city by the police. He manages to throw them off momentarily and bails out of his getaway car and blends in with the crowd. A bystander even loans him his baseball hat to disguise him as the police race by. 

My question is: why? Why would decent law-abiding citizens help this seeming criminal? They have no idea who Reacher is or that he's a good guy avoiding the police in order to solve a mystery and clear his name. As far as they know he's a low down dirty car thief on the lam. Are you telling me that there wasn't one person in all of Pittsburgh who wouldn't have shouted, "Officers, over here! Here's the guy you're looking for!"

• Throughout the movie Reacher violates numerous laws and commits several felonies in order to keep the plot moving forward, and of course suffers absolutely zero consequences for his actions. This happens in virtually every action movie ever made-- at the end the hero's many transgressions are all magically forgiven.

• The villain of the movie is a creepy old man called "The Zec." Somehow everyone in the film instinctively knows that his name is Russian for "prisoner." Apparently they must teach Russian in Pittsburgh public schools.

Far from the best movie I've seen, but a decent action/mystery/thriller. I give it a B-.

Django Unchained
The latest from director Quentin Tarantino, a Blaxploitation / Spaghetti Western and another entry in his "Alternate-History Revenge" series, in which a down-trodden minority gets to even the score a bit.

There's a lot of controversy surrounding this movie, which I suppose is only natural considering its volatile subject matter. 

Most of the outrage is due to the number of times the word "nigger" is uttered during the film (yes, I said it. I'm not going to walk on eggs and call it "the N-word." I'm an adult, not a ten year-old). By some accounts the word is said 108 times. I will admit that is a lot. It is indeed a vulgar and ugly word, but it would be tough to make a movie about slavery without saying it at least a few times. Plus, let's face it-- it's the way people spoke in that era. If you're uncomfortable with the word and the subject matter then perhaps this is not the film for you. Might I suggest you'd be happier watching the latest Pixar outing.

Director Spike Lee issued a press statement saying he refused to see the film, saying, "...it's disrespectful to my ancestors." Fair enough, but it kind of sounds to me like Mr. Lee decided he hadn't been mentioned on Entertainment Tonight for a while.

The film is sort of a remake (maybe homage would be a better word) of the 1966 Italian film Django, starring Franco Nero as the title character. There were 31 Django movies made between 1966 and 1987. Strangely enough, only the first and last films in the series starred Nero and were considered "official." The rest were all unauthorized and have nothing to do with the character, instead copying the overall look and tone of the original. Apparently copyright laws must be fairly lax in Italy.

Broomhilda's (Django's wife) last name is von Shaft. Tarantino says in his mind he believes that 1970s Blaxploitation character John Shaft is a descendent of Django and Broomhilda. Cool!

Tarantino originally planned a crossover with the RZA-directed film The Man With The Iron Fists. The crossover would have featured Django meeting The Blacksmith character from Iron Fists. Sadly the scheduling couldn't be worked out in time and the idea had to be scrapped. Too bad.

The Plot:
Two years before the Civil War, German bounty hunter Dr. King Schultz buys and frees a slave named Django and makes him a proposal: if he helps Schultz track down and kill the villainous Brittle Brothers, he'll help him free his wife Broomhilda. Hijinx ensue.

Pros:
• I very much enjoyed Christoph Waltz in Inglorious Basterds, and he shines here as well as Dr. King Schultz. He's intelligent, highly articulate and genially funny. I'll say this for Tarantino; he knows how to write for Waltz. Oddly enough I haven't much cared for Waltz in any other films in which I've seen him. He seems at his best when he's working with Tarantino.

• I loved the relationship between Django and Schultz as they learned to work together as a (deadly) team. I wouldn't have minded seeing the two of them in a whole series of films.

 • Franco Nero, the original Django, has a cameo in the movie as the man who asks Django how he spells his name.

• If you like violence and gore, you came to the right place. Throughout the film geysers of blood spray from each and every wound, no matter how slight. Apparently everyone in the Old South had extremely high blood pressure.

• Samuel L. Jackson is great as Thomas, a wily and evil Uncle Tom (hey, I see what you did there, Tarantino) character.

• The film features an excellent and very eclectic cast, including Tom Wopat (Luke Duke), Russ Tamblyn, Bruce Dern (who I could have sworn was dead), M.C. Gainey (Tom Friendly from LOST), Jonah Hill, Lee Horsely, Zoe Bell (a Tarantino favorite), Robert Carradine, Ted Neely (of Jesus Christ Superstar fame), Tom Savini and Michael Parks (another Tarantino favorite).

Cons
• I reeeeally could have done without Tarantino's cameo (as an Australian of all things!). Yes, Quentin, we all know that Hitchcock used to put himself into his own movies too, but A: he limited himself to quick, non-speaking cameos and B: You're not a very good actor. His scenes did nothing but take me right out of the movie.

• Although I greatly enjoyed the film, I'd suggest looking elsewhere for historical accuracy. The movie takes place in 1858 and features a lengthy scene with the Ku Klux Klan. Unfortunately (for the film) the KKK wasn't formed until 1865 by veterans of the Confederate Army. Whoops!

Would you look at that. For once the Pros outnumber the Cons!

Another entry in Tarantino's "Alternate-History Revenge" series. I give it a A-.

Gangster Squad 
A good looking film about an interesting time in L.A. history that ultimately goes nowhere. Full of typical mobster cliches (just look at that poster to see most of them!) and predictable plot twists.

The movie was delayed for several months due to the tragic theater shootings in Aurora, Colorado in 2012. In the original cut of the film, characters in the film stand behind a movie screen and fire sub-machine guns through it and into the unsuspecting audience. The studio cut that scene from the movie and the cast was reassembled for reshoots. The new scenes featured a violent and bloody shootout between the Gangster Squad and Cohen's thugs in Chinatown. So the lesson to be gleaned from all this is: Shooting innocent people in a movie theater– bad. Shooting innocent Asian bystanders in Chinatown– acceptable. 

Oddly enough the film was directed by Ruben Fleisher, who directed the excellent horror-comedy Zombieland (!). He seems a little out of his element here and perhaps should stick to comedy. Or zombies.

The Plot:
It's 1949 and thug Mickey Cohen is intent on taking over Los Angeles. The Chief of Police recruits a team of policemen, secretly known as the Gangster Squad, to thwart Cohen and bring order to the city.

Pros:
• Awesome cast including Robert Patrick and Giovani Ribisi.

• Josh Brolin does a good job as a two-fisted cop. With his permanent scowl and one-two punch I think he'd do all right in a superhero movie.

• The movie is full of stylish production design. I don't know if 1949 Los Angeles really looked like this, but I'd like to think it did.

Cons:
•  "Based on real events." It's a well-known fact that whenever you see that line at the beginning of a movie you should quietly gather your belongings and head quickly for the nearest exit. Most movies that start with that caption have little or nothing to do with reality.

There really was a Gangster Squad in 1940s - 1950s L.A., and they really did go up against a gangster named Mickey Cohen. But somehow I doubt they did it quite the way we're shown here.

•  Sean Penn stars as mobster Mickey Cohen and wears a ton of facial prosthetics to transform him into an ex-boxer thug. In fact every time Penn was onscreen I had trouble concentrating on what he was saying because I was too busy studying his face, trying to figure out what was real and what was foam rubber. He looks (and now that I think about it, acts) very much like a Dick Tracy villain. 

In fact the whole movie has a faint Tracy vibe to it, which I doubt is what the filmmakers were shooting for.
 
• Sorry ladies, but I continue to be baffled by the huge popularity of Ryan Gosling. I recognize that he's reasonably handsome, but he doesn't seem to have a lot of range acting-wise (at least in the films I've seen). I just don't get all the hoopla over him.

Stylish, but fairly predictable. I give it a C.

The Last Stand
Arnold returns to the big screen in his first starring role since 2003's Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines. 

Now that Arnold's got politics out of his system he seems anxious to resume his film career. Unfortunately this movie wasn't the best way to herald his triumphant return. It's a scaled down, low budget affair, about as far from the mega-blockbusters of his glory days as you can get. 

If he wants to return to making movies, he needs to return in a big way, not by starring in small films like this. Maybe he's trying to slowly ease himself back into films again, like an old man lowering himself into a tub. 

I did enjoy most of his supporting cast, especially Luis Guzman. And Johnny Knoxville even managed to be amusing rather than annoying.

Sadly, The Last Stand appears to be a box office bomb, opening in ninth place in its first week. This surprised me, as I figured audiences would flock to see Arnold on the big screen again. So why did the film tank? Who knows? Maybe the all important 18 - 25 movie going demographic isn't interested in seeing a 65 year old man cavorting around onscreen. Maybe Arnold's extramarital affair is still fresh in the public's mind. Or maybe the public just knows a mediocre movie when they see it.

The Plot:
Gabriel Cortez, son of a Mexican drug lord, escapes from prison and flees in a magical indestructible Camaro capable of traveling at 200 mph. He plans to cross the border into Mexico (and freedom) by passing through the sleepy little town of Sommerton Junction, which is protected by Sheriff Ray Owens (Arnold), an aging ex L.A. police officer. Owens vows to stop and arrest Cortez at all costs.

Pros:
• I've always big a big Arnold fan, so it was great to see him on the big screen again-- even in a less than stellar film.

• Lots of violence, which is what you want in an action movie, amirite? And amazingly it was rated R instead of today's usual watered down PG-13.

Cons:
• What the heck is up with the accents in this movie? Of course Arnold had his usual out of place accent, but it extended to the rest of the cast as well. Swedish actor Peter Stormare tried and failed mightily at a Texas accent. I think. Actually I'm not sure where the hell his character was supposed to be from. Luis Guzman decided to go with an Hispanic accent, which isn't surprising, but it was heavily seasoned with a bizarre lisp. Odd.

• At the beginning of the film we're told that virtually the entire population of Sommerton Junction is heading out of the city to a high school away game. Only eight or ten people remain in the entire town. Well that was certainly convenient! An empty town means Sheriff Owens doesn't have to worry about innocent citizens being mowed down during the numerous gunfights on Main St. Plus if the town's empty, the filmmakers can save money by not needing to hire extras. Brilliant!

• Cortez's escape from prison is coordinated with split second precision and utilizes the talents of dozens and dozens of accomplices. When the FBI is transporting him to a new facility, the van he's in is literally lifted into the sky by a giant electromagnet (which I assume is attached to a helicopter, although we never see it) in a scene straight out of one of the Batman movies. He's then lowered onto the roof of a nearby building, where more accomplices bring him a change of clothing and even more run interference for him as decoys. He escapes in a souped up concept car that was acquired god knows how and heads for the border. As I said, an extremely complex escape plan involving many, many people.

So was all that really easier than putting on a pair of dark glasses and using a fake I.D. to buy a plane ticket to Mexico? Hundreds of illegals get into this country every day. Is it really that difficult for one guy to go back?

• The big action set piece at the end of the film takes place on a makeshift bridge spanning the American/ Mexican border (more on that in a minute). The whole sequence has a strange artificial quality to it, as if it was filmed on a green screen stage. It's just a bridge over a shallow ravine. How hard would it have been to have built that outside? Did Arnold demand to shoot his big fight scene in an air conditioned studio rather than out in the blazing sun?

• Cortez's gang built the aforementioned bridge over the border so that he could drive his souped up Camaro into Mexico and freedom. The bridge spans a gulley that presumably marks the border. The thing is, the gulley appears to be all of about ten to twelve feet deep. It looks like the Camaro could easily have been driven down into the gulley and back up the other side with no problem. I guess that wouldn't have been as stylish and having your own personal bridge to zoom over. 

• In Arnold's previous films none of the other characters ever called attention to his thick accent. In this film though they attempt an explanation for why an Arizona sheriff speaks like an Austrian national straight off the boat. During the climactic fight with Cortez, Owens makes a lame joke about him "making us immigrants look bad." The line doesn't work at all and thuds to the ground like a brick. All this does is get the audience thinking about why an immigrant would be called Ray Owens instead of paying attention to the film like they should be. They actually made things worse by trying to explain it. Note to future screenwriters of Arnold's films-- go back to ignoring the accent situation altogether. 
 
Not a terrible movie, but a far cry from Arnold's glory days of the 1980s and 1990s. I give it a B-.