It Came From The Cineplex: Devil's Due

Devil's Due was directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett (believe it or not, it took two people to direct this thing) and was written by Lindsay Devlin.

Oy gevalt, not another "found footage" movie. That makes two of them in theaters right now, along with Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones. Apparently January is Found Footage Month, all month long!

Regular readers of my blog know that I am not a fan of the found footage genre. Why? Because such films typically look amateurish, the "acting" is generally atrocious and the director has to bend over backwards to come up with logical reasons why the characters would be filming the goings-on instead of running for their lives like any sane person would.

But these types of films cost next to nothing, so even a flop guarantees the studio will make a profit, so... they're never likely to go away.

SPOILERS, I SUPPOSE:

The Plot:
Zach and Samantha are newlyweds who travel to the Dominican Republic on their honeymoon. While there, they become lost and accept a ride from a seemingly innocent cab driver, who takes them to a secret dance club. They pass out and Sam is apparently raped by the Devil (or at least a fiery special effect). They wake up the next morning in their hotel room, unsure of how they got there, but chalk it up to their hangovers.

Several weeks later Sam discovers she's pregnant, despite the fact that she was on the Pill. She begins experiencing unusual symptoms throughout her pregnancy, like nosebleeds, rashes, blackouts and unexpected bouts of rate and super-strength.

Sam's symptoms escalate and Zach discovers the cab driver is part of a cult that's spying on them. It all ends with a charming scene in which Sam cuts the demon baby from her womb and Zach is charged with her murder. The End.

Thoughts:
• I really have nothing to say about the actual plot. It's a pretty standard "Supernatural Pregnancy" film, hitting all the same beats covered in many, many similar films. It's an ersatz found footage Rosemary's Baby for the Millennial Generation.

• Most filmmakers tend to reveal their plot gradually, so as to slowly ratchet up the tension and keep the audience's interest. Not so here. In the very first frame our two directors put up a caption supposedly containing a biblical verse about the antichrist or some such nonsense. 

Then the first actual footage we see is of Zach in a police interrogation room, being questioned about Sam's murder. We're not even sixty seconds in and we know his wife was carrying the devil's baby and things didn't end well.

So why even bother watching the rest of the film? Might as well gather your belongings, put on your coat and leave the theater.

• OK, the whole "found footage" genre is based on the idea that the footage we're watching was found, right? Someone supposedly found a camera containing this material and turned it into a documentary of sorts.

That's how films like The Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield and many others have always worked. 

Not so here. In this one we're privy to all kinds of footage we shouldn't possibly be able to see. We see Zach and Sam's wedding, their honeymoon and the early months of Sam's pregnancy. But when Zach becomes suspicious, the devil cult steals all his footage in order to cover their tracks. So exactly how could the footage have been found? How are we able to see it?

Lest you think perhaps someone eventually found the footage so we could see it, I'll remind you that the film is bracketed by scenes of Zach being questioned about his wife's murder. If the other footage still existed, the police would have it and wouldn't be accusing Zach.

This film can't even be bothered to play by the rules of its own genre here. It's a cheat, pure and simple. Realistically the only parts of the film we should see are the grocery store security cam footage and the scenes in the police station, which would have made it a three minute long movie. If only.

• Speaking of the stolen footage, it seems like the directors gave up trying to think of good reasons why Zach would be so diligently filming everything and just had the devil cult secretly hide a dozen cameras inside the couple's home so we could then get a good look at the action. Another cheat!

• A week or so before the film's premiere, the filmmakers staged a publicity prank involving an animatronic demon baby on the streets of New York.

They set up a seemingly abandoned baby crib and when concerned passersby approached it, the animatronic infant would rise and up shriek, causing much screaming and soiling of garments.

Unfortunately the footage of this prank was about a hundred times more entertaining than the film it was promoting.

Seems like false advertising too, since there's nothing remotely like infant this in the actual film. Yes, near the end there's a fleeting shot of a baby with a glowing cranium, but you only see it from the back and it doesn't look anything like the one above.

• The film grossed around $8 million in its opening weekend, which isn't all that impressive, but it only cost $7 million to make, so… be prepared next year for Devil's Due 2: Second Trimester. 

Another tiresome found footage film that adds nothing to the genre. I give it a C-. Skip it and go rent Rosemary's Baby instead.

Inception!

This happened today. I took a photo of a bench featuring a photo of the guy from the Dawn Of The Dead remake sitting on a bench featuring a photo of the guy from the Dawn Of The Dead remake. Inception!

The only thing missing is the actual guy from the Dawn Of The Dead remake sitting on the real bench.

By the way, nice placement of that sign post there, Evansville city workers!

It Came From The Cineplex: American Hustle

American Hustle was directed by David O. Russell (Three Kings, Silver Linings Playbook) and was written by Russell and Eric Warren Singer.

I'll be brutally honest here-- I am not a fan of Russell's work. I recognize that his films are always well made and feature top notch actors, but they've just never connected with me.

American Hustle is no different. It's been almost universally praised by critics and has been nominated for an astonishing TEN Academy Awards. Really, ten? Must have been slim pickings last year if this film gets that many nominations. I honestly don't get it. All through the film I sat there trying to figure out if it was good or not-- it's that kind of film. 

Maybe I didn't care for it because I've never much liked heist or "sting" movies. You know, the kind where someone cooks up an impossibly elaborate and convoluted plan and everything depends on a hundred little things going right, and the tables keep turning (I knew you'd betray me, so that's why I secretly betrayed YOU!) until you have no idea who's on which side.

The Plot:
A comprehensive plot description would take a good twenty or thirty paragraphs, so I'll be as brief as possible. The film is loosely based on the FBI's ABSCAM operation in the 1970s and 1980s. It tells the story of two con artists who are forced by the Feds to set up an elaborate sting operation (involving an Arab sheik) to catch corrupt politicians. Hijinx then ensue.

Thoughts:
• The film begins with a caption reading, "Some of this actually happened." I admire the filmmaker's honestly, and I wish more biopics and movies based on real events would follow suit (I'm lookin' at you, Saving Mr. Banks). 

Most so called "factual" films have little or nothing to do with reality, altering events, adding or dropping characters and changing motivations in order to be more cinematic, so it was a refreshing change to see one that admits it's mostly hogwash.

Most of the characters in the film are based on actual people who were involved in ABSCAM, but their names have all been changed.
 
Some of the film's other deviations from reality:

In the movie, Camden major Carmine Polito (Jeremy Renner) is a tireless, caring and honest politician who only gets involved in the scam to provide much needed jobs for his constituents. After Polito is caught, con man Irving Rosenfeld (Christian Bale) feels so sorry for him that he lobbies for a reduced sentence for him. 

The real life Polito did actually care about the people of Camden, but was involved in quite a few criminal activities. Additionally, the real Rosenfeld did nothing to reduce Polito's sentence.

In real life, Sydney Prosser, Rosenfeld's girlfriend (Amy Adams), was much less involved in his illegal schemes and played no part in ABSCAM. She was also English, not an American pretending to be English (Com-O-Dee!).

Rosenfeld's wife Rosalyn (Jennifer Lawrence) did not have an affair with anyone in the mob, nor did she blow his cover.

In real life FBI agent Richie DiMaso (Bradely Cooper) was just one of many, many agents involved in ABSCAM, not the sole architect of the scheme.

• Christian Bale plays Irving Rosenfeld, a small time con artist who preys on desperate people who need loans. Rosenfeld has a horrific looking combover and a bloated, unattractive gut. That gut is all real-- Bale gained 40 or so pounds for the role!

This isn't the first time Bale has undergone a physical transformation for a role. He lost a whopping 60 pounds for his role in The Machinist, looking positively skeletal. He then packed on an impressive amount of muscle for the Dark Knight films, only to lose it again for David O. Russell's The Fighter. I'm impressed with his dedication to his roles, but all that losing and gaining weight can't be good for his health.

• Credit where credit's due: the film boasts quite a distinguished cast. Jennifer Lawrence in particular stands out as the wife of Irving Rosenfeld. Louis C.K. also does an amazing job as FBI agent Stoddard Thorsen, and steals the brief scenes in which he appears. Who knew he was such a good actor?

• Speaking of the cast, American Hustle is the superhero-iest movie I've seen in quite a while. You've got Batman, Hawkeye, Lois Lane, Mystique/Katniss Everdeen and even Rocket Raccoon (from the upcoming Guardians Of The Galaxy-- all in the same film. It's like the Avengers of sting movies.

• Supposedly much of the dialog was improvised on set. I don't have any problem believing that. Everyone seems more concerned about acting it up rather than telling a story with a coherent plot.

• All the characters in the film have horrible looking period hair styles (especially the men). It's always fun to look back at the fashions and fads of the past and laugh, but I lived through this period and I have to say it wasn't that bad. Sure there were some unfortunate trends, but not everyone looked as ridiculous as the characters in this film do.

A meandering and over-acted period piece that's more concerned with character than plot, American Hustle failed to enchant me like it did the majority of the population. I give it a B.

Holy Bat News!

Yesterday Warner Bros. announced that at long, long, LONG last, the 1966 Batman TV series is finally coming to DVD! The timing of this release couldn't be more perfect, as the DVD format is long past its prime and the series' target demographic is starting to die off.

For decades now the Batman series has been tied up in a Gordian knot of legal problems involving guest stars, music rights and the fact that 20th Century Fox owned the show, but Warner Bros. owned the characters.

But it looks like those problems have finally been worked out, and a home video release is imminent. Warner Bros. confirmed that a complete series box set will be released sometime this year.

I'm happy to hear this of course, but... this is a song I've heard many, many times over the past twenty years and every time it seems like it's going to happen, the deal falls through at the last minute. I've had my hopes cruelly dashed one too many times to allow myself to get too awfully excited about it. 

But it seems like it's probably really going to happen though this time. In the past year we've seen at least four different companies get the rights to make Batman '66 toys (at different scales), there's been a ton of other merchandise released, and DC is even publishing a comic based on the show. Something on the legal front has obviously changed to allow all this, so maybe this time the DVD news is true as well.

I hope it's really true this time, but I'm not gonna start dancing the Batusi just yet. I'll believe it when I'm holding the box set in my sweaty little paws.

Sharon!

Saw this in the toy aisle last night.

I freely admit that it's been a long time since I've bought a Spider-Man comic, so I guess I must have missed the issue in which perennially addled rock star Ozzie Osbourne became Doctor Octopus.

Just look at 'em! Tell me they didn't base his new look on Ozzie. They're exactly the same, right down to the round red glasses!

I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, rock stars have always looked and acted like comic book characters. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to imagine Keith Richards or Marilyn Manson as Spidey villains.

Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. Season 1, Episode 12: Seeds

Oh, Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D., why do you taunt us so? Even when your promos flat out promise us you're finally going to give us some super villain action, you pull back at the last minute. Why can't you be more like that nice Arrow show over on the CW?

We're halfway through the season and it feels like the show's still hedging its bets. They keep sort of introducing these super villains but then nothing is ever done with them. The show's become a series of setups with no payoffs in sight.

The Plot:
The Team goes to the S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy to investigate a bizarre freezing attack on a student. While there, Fitz befriends a shy, lonely student named Donnie Gill. The two bond when Fitz helps Donnie solve a problem with one of his inventions. Unknown to the Team, Donnie's invention is some sort of freeze ray that he and his pal Seth plan to sell it to evil industrialist Ian Quinn. The ice machine malfunctions, killing Seth and turning Donnie into Blizzard, a third-tier Iron Man villain.

Thoughts:
• Funny that FitzSimmons-- who were obviously created as comedy relief-- have become the two most interesting characters on the show.

• Fitz's first name is Leopold? Is this the first time we've heard that or has it been mentioned before? I honestly can't remember.

• OK, I admit it was funny-- and unexpected-- for FitzSimmons to be heroes at the Nerd division of S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy.

• Sigh… more shout outs this week to remind us that we're watching a Marvel show. FitzSimmons mentions Hydra and AIM, and Skye sees Bucky Barnes' name on the S.H.I.E.L.D. Wall Of Valor. Now why would they throw in that reference? Hmm… it couldn't have anything to do with the Captain America 2 movie premiering in April, could it?

Now that I think about it, why is Bucky on the Wall at all? He died (wink wink) way back in WWII, long before there ever was a S.H.I.E.L.D. or S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy.

• OK, let me see if I understand Donnie's plan here. He's trying to build a freeze ray to sell to Ian Quinn, but he can't get the power supply to work right. So he deliberately stages a "freeze attack" at the Academy to draw the attention of S.H.I.E.L.D. He even freezes himself to deflect suspicion away from himself (!). S.H.I.E.L.D. takes the bait and once they arrive, Donnie bets that his mopey personality will cause Fitz to befriend him, so he can use his smarts to solve the power supply problem. 

You know, that plan is so crazy it just might work!

Seriously, that was his plan? "Convoluted" doesn't even begin to describe it. "Unlikely" and "Far Fetched" sum it up much better. Think about all the minute things that could have gone wrong and torpedoed his little scheme. It didn't even occur to Fitz to befriend Donnie on his own, that was Ward's idea! Did he foresee that contingency? I know this is a comic book world, but sheesh!

• Donnie and Seth power up their freeze ray and it generates an enormous super storm. It's clearly night when they turn on their machine. A few minutes later the Team arrives to save the day, but now it's daytime. Wha...? Either there was a big time jump when we weren't looking, which is unlikely given the way events played out, or the FX team forgot to use the night filter on the footage.

• Coulson and May fly to Mexico City to seek out a former S.H.I.E.L.D. agent who has info about Skye's past. Because they're both professional spies, no one notices the white man and Asian woman sitting in a bright red convertible in Mexico City, Mexico. 

• During their stakeout, Coulson says he's tired of secrets. Kind of an odd thing for a guy who works for a spy organization to say, innit?

• OK, I laughed when May decided to be truthful and says she's been sleeping with Ward, just half a second before Coulson leaps from the car. D'oh!

 • Coulson and May capture the former agent, who tells them Skye's entire back story. She was the only survivor in a decimated Chinese village (?) and many agents, including his partner, died trying to protect Skye because they believe she possesses dangerous super powers. 

Oy gevalt. My least favorite character just became the Chosen One. How much do you want to bet that before the season's over she suddenly becomes the only person on Earth who can save the planet?

It's just like the modern Doctor Who series. In the past the Doctor would meet ordinary people who traveled with him. Nowadays every one of his companions turns out to be the Most Important Person In The Universe, and all of reality hinges on them and their hidden power. 

• The former agent says many have died protecting Skye because she has some kind of super power, but no one knows exactly what it is. What if it turns out she has the power to make doorbells ring from a distance? Or untangle ear bud cords just by staring at them? Would that be worth dying for? Wouldn't you want to know exactly what she could do before you defended her with your life?

• So I guess all the online theories that May is somehow Skye's mom are wrong. Good. That idea was a little too obvious and cheesy, even for a comic book show.
 
• Because he doesn't like secrets now, Coulson info dumps Skye's entire secret backstory to her. Did he also tell her the part about her having some kind of super power? Hard to say, because as soon as he started talking, the soundtrack swelled until it drowned him out and we segued into a montage. I guess whether or not he told her everything is none of our business.

• At the end of the episode, the Team decides to ship Donnie off to the Sandbox, where they can keep an eye on him. As Donnie waits in the car, we see he now has freezing powers, as he apparently absorbed the energy of his freeze ray machine.

This is the second time they've done this now-- this super villain setup where someone has an accident and gains powers-- but not until the last five seconds of the episode. Just once can't someone get their super powers at the beginning of an episode, so we could finally see some comic book action in this comic book show?

They did the same damn thing a while back with Gravitron (who I think is also being held in the Sandbox). I'm hoping they're building up to some big storyline where all these super villains escape and the Team will finally have to deal with them, but... I ain't holding my breath.

Something I Noticed During My Several Hundredth Viewing Of "The Empire Strikes Back."

If you're a regular reader of my blog (as millions are), you know that my all-time favorite movie is The Empire Strikes Back. In fact I rate it a little higher than the original Star Wars. Yeah, that's right. I said it.

I've watched it hundreds of times over the years, and every now and then I'll still spot something in it that I've never noticed nor thought about before. Like this.

Near the end of the film, Luke Skywalker flies to Cloud City and confronts Darth Vader in an epic lightsaber battle.

Unfortunately Luke's sorely outmatched, and Vader easily disarms him (heh) by chopping off his hand. 

Let me emphasize that. As you can clearly see in the photo above, Luke loses his hand, and only his hand. Well, perhaps "only" isn't the right word, as the loss of a hand is a grievous injury in any galaxy, but you know what I mean. Anyway, that's his hand flying off into the void there.

Here he is a bit later, hanging upside down from a weather vane on the bottom of Cloud City. Once again we see that only his hand is missing. His forearm is visibly intact all the way down to his wrist.

Cut to the end of the film, where a medical droid gives Luke a brand new spiffy bionic hand, courtesy of the Rebel Alliance's Universal Health Care.

But wait a minute. Something's off here. Despite the fact that Luke lost his hand, his entire forearm appears to have been replaced. You can even see the various machinery controlling his fingers extending a good seven to eight inches past his wrist. Disturbing!

And lest you think maybe they just stuffed some bionic parts into Luke's flesh and blood forearm, may I remind you that at the end of the scene the robot closes the little doors on it. Pretty sure real arms don't have hinged doors in them.

So why was he missing just his hand earlier, but is now missing his entire forearm? I can think of several possiblities.

One: The mechanical ligaments and power supply wouldn't fit inside the bionic hand, so it was necessary to remove some of Luke's real arm to make room for them.

Two: The Rebels may not have had a Type 47 Caucasian Male Bionic Hand in stock. There's a war going on after all, so replacement parts are no doubt scarce and they had to make do with whatever they had in the store room-- namely a hand/forearm combo.

Three: Medical droids are a terrible idea because you ask them to replace your hand and they chop off your entire goddamned forearm, that's what they do. Thank the Maker Luke didn't ask for a circumcision!

This Week In Unfortunate Clip Art

There's a metric poop-ton of clip art out there on the interwebs. Some of it's free, some of it you gotta pay for, and nearly all of it is bizarre.

 

Case in point-- this charming little image right here.

Try as I might, I'm having trouble figuring out why you'd ever need a photo of a lady lovingly nuzzling the ass end of a piggy bank. What type of ad could possibly use such a thing? "Save On Rectal Exams?" "Fiscal Anal-ysis?" "Why Your Savings Strategy Stinks?"

Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. Season 1, Episode 11: The Magic Place

Hey, Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. is back after a month or so off. To be honest I kind of forgot all about the show while it was away. 

I've been fairly hard on this series since it started, mostly because so far it's been, well dull. It promised us all an exciting series set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but so far it's been little more than a standard police procedural with the occasional comic book reference thrown in to placate the fan boys.

I recently started watching Season 1 of Arrow (late to the party, I know) and wow, what a difference. I'm only about five episodes in, but so far I'm liking it much more than Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. DC finally does something right! I'm sure I'm not the first to say this, but Marvel needs to take a look at what they're doing on this show and apply it to their own.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:
Last time, newly recruited agent Mike Peterson was seemingly killed and Coulson was captured by Raina, the Girl In The Flower Dress, in order to discover the secret of his resurrection.

This week the team searches for Coulson, and we finally get some long-promised answers about what happened to him. Well, sort of. Oh, and Mike Peterson is still alive.

Thoughts:
• Um… didn't we see Ward get shot and seemingly left for dead at the end of the previous episode? That scene was obviously meant to make us worry about whether he was going to survive. Cut to the beginning of this episode and he's up and running and punching out agents just like normal. Whoops! 

What the hell happened? Did the writers forget he was shot? Just how much time passed between these two episodes anyway? This entire subplot was very clumsily handled.

• After Victoria Hand's men fail to get Vanchat to talk, Ward decides to give it a go his own self. He straps himself into his seat and has FitzSimmons open the ceiling of the interrogation room of the plane. The explosive decompression nearly sucks Vanchat out of the room, causing him to finally spill his guts.

OK, Ward's plan worked, but… what if Vanchat had actually been sucked from the plane? Wouldn't that have been kind of... murdery? What would he have told Hand then? 

Or was Vanchat never really in danger of being sucked from the plane after all, and Ward just wanted him to think so?

• When Skye steals Lloyd Rathman's car, we see it has a vanity plate with letters and a dollar sign. Nope! As far as I know, no state allows any kind of punctuation marks or symbols on their plates. I realize this is a pretty minor thing to nitpick, but it stood out to me when I saw it.

• The scene between Raina and Coulson, as she convinces him to submit to the mind probe device, were very well done. She almost convinced me she had Coulson's best interests in mind.

• So now we know Coulson's not a robot or a life model decoy or a clone. I think. He appears to be the same flesh and blood Agent Coulson we all know and love. Apparently he was dead for several days and was brought back to life (on Fury's orders) by some kind of unholy technology, mainly a multi-armed robot that looked like it was either picking fleas from his brain or spot welding his synapses. 

So... that's it? That's the big reveal? They've been hinting around about Coulson for weeks now, and when they finally reveal what happened, the answer is just kind of... meh. And it raises more questions than it answered.

Speaking of Coulson and his resurrection, boy, was that exposed brain scene disturbing! Yikes! That's gonna stick with me for a while. Do kids watch this show?

• Ever since Po was introduced last episode, I had this half-baked idea that he was somehow really The Clairvoyant-- kind of like Kuato in the original Total Recall movie (you have no idea how much it pains me to have to say original when talking about that filml). I guess not, since in this week the Clairvoyant kills Po (over the phone yet!).

• This episode pretty much lays to rest S.H.I.E.L.D.'s erroneous view that telepathy doesn't exist. Coulson keeps saying it's impossible, but the Clairvoyant has apparently read his mind, as well as the minds of every major leader on Earth. He even proves it by giving Raina information about Coulson that no one could possibly know.

• Dr. Streiten, who objected to Coulson's resurrection, is played by Ron Glass, who's from my city of Evansville, Indiana!

• So Skye has a pretty good idea of where Coulson is being held, which is different from where Agent Hand is going. Ward tells Hand he's taking his team to Skye's hunch location and that's final. Agent Hand, who by the way is very much Ward's superior officer, fumes at him but seems powerless to stop him. What the hell? Yes, Ward's decision turned out to be right, but he violated a direct order from a superior. Why didn't Hand just have him and the rest of the team thrown in the brig and be done with it?

• I told you that Mike Peterson wasn't dead! In the comic book world, no one's dead unless you see a body. And even then…

The Centipede wristband thing uses the Extremis formula, right? So I'm assuming it'll regrow Peterson's leg in no time (we saw it do something similar in Iron Man 3). More troubling is the reveal that he's now got one of Centipede's bionic eyes (complete with remote kill switch!) implanted in his head.

So is Peterson going to become Deathlok, from the comics? It sure looks like it! Cool! That'd be awesome to finally get some actual comic book characters in this show. 

But where is Peterson? Is he in S.H.I.E.L.D. or Centipede headquarters? Logic would imply Centipede (since his body appears to be full of their tech) but S.H.I.E.L.D. did say they found a body on the bridge last episode...

• I'm glad the show's finally telling us (sort of) what happened to Coulson, because I'd hate for them to drag the mystery out for years, LOST-style. That said, I'm kind of concerned that they're revealing this just eleven episodes into the season. This is the biggest question in the entire series so far. Now what? Where do they go from here? 

A Public Service Announcement For Grandmothers Buying Videos For Their Grandkids

Grandmothers: In just a few weeks your grandkids will be asking you to buy the movie Frozen for them on home video. Be warned that the video store, with its miles of similar DVD covers, can be a frightening and confusing place. So before you venture out to purchase it, study the following carefully.

This is Frozen. It was released by Disney in 2013 and is loosely based on Hans Christian Andersen's story The Snow Queen. 

It's the story of Elsa, who possesses cool snow-generating powers, and her younger sister Anna. After a jealous argument, Elsa plunges the city of Arendelle into Eternal Winter. When Anna sacrifices herself to save Elsa, she realizes love is the key to controlling her powers (sheesh) and the Winter Curse is lifted.

This is the 2010 film Frozen. It's the heartwarming (heh) story of three stupid college students who become stranded on a ski lift hundreds of feet above the frozen ground after the lodge closes down for the week. The three friends realize the horror of their situation as darkness falls, the temperature plunges and a pack of ravenous wolves prowls the ground beneath them. 

They then have to choose between slowly freezing to death on the ski lift, or being torn to pieces by the hungry wolves below.

See? They're practically the same movie! No wonder you're confused!

To muddy the waters even further, the 2010 Frozen stars Emma Bell, while the 2013 Frozen stars the voice of Kristen Bell. Baffling!

Be advised that your grandchildren will most likely be pestering you for the 2013 Frozen. If you buy them the 2010 version, the state may ban you from seeing them again.

It Came From The Cineplex: Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones was written and directed by Christopher B. Landon, who also wrote Disturbia (good) and Paranormal Activity 2, 3 and 4 (uh-oh).

Believe it or not, this is the fifth film in the franchise. Five! Can you believe they've made five of these things already? Oddly enough though, this one is not considered part of the Paranormal Activity series. According to the producers it's a "cousin" to the series rather than a straight-up sequel (and there is a link to the original at the end). An actual Paranormal Activity 5 is reportedly being released later this year. Confusing! 

I didn't care much for the first Paranormal Activity film, saying way back in 2009 that I thought it was slightly less scary than a basket of kittens. It takes more to frighten me than the terrifying sight of a door slowly opening or finding a set of car keys lying in the middle of the kitchen floor. In fact I didn't even bother to see any of the many, many sequels (until now).

I'm also not a fan of the loathsome "found footage" shooting style used throughout the franchise. It makes the films look amateurish and awful, like they were shot with cheap video equipment (which they no doubt were). The acting is generally terrible, as they use "stars" no one's ever seen or heard of in an effort to convince you you're watching real people. 

But the biggest beef I have with the found footage style is that the director always has to bend over backwards to think of reasons why the characters would be filming this crap when they should be running for their lives like a sane person. Just film the damn thing like a regular narrative, please.

But because they cost so little to make, these films are extremely profitable for the studio, so they're never going to go away as long as people keep lining up to see them.

SHAKY CAM SPOILERS, I GUESS.

The Plot:
Jesse and Hector are friends who've just graduated high school. Jesse receives a video camera as a graduation gift, and the two begin filming various stunts and events. They even use the camera to spy on their neighbor Anna, who everyone says is a witch.

One morning Jesse wakes to find what appear to be bite marks on his arm. He then begins developing super strength and levitating powers as his personality begins to darken.

After Anna is killed, Hector and his friend Marisol inspect her abandoned apartment and find occult relics and photos of Jesse and his late mother. They begin to suspect that Jesse is being possessed by a demon.

Hector and Marisol track Jesse to a witches' coven and attempt to rescue him from their clutches.

Thoughts:
• Props to the filmmakers for setting the film in a Latino community this time around. Nice to see spirits and demons don't exclusively haunt white people.

• Props again to the filmmakers for trying something a bit different here instead of another tired sequel to the original story. It gave the series a much needed shot in the arm.

• The movie seems to owe more to Chronicle than to any of the previous Paranormal Activity films. Jesse starts developing superpowers (courtesy of the demon possessing him), demonstrates them for the camera, and his personality grows progressively darker just like Andrew Detmer in Chronicle.

• One could argue that Jesse's descent into evil is a metaphor for joining a street gang. I have a feeling that's just a coincidence though and the filmmakers aren't nearly that deep.

• There are lots of winks and nods to the previous films here (that even I could spot, despite the fact I've only seen the first movie). Obviously they're included to justify adding "Paranormal Activity" to the title, since this film has little or nothing to do with the franchise.

• I thought it was odd that the film turns the gang-bangers into the heroes. I guess gangs are bad, but witches are worse?

• I mentioned this earlier but I have to bring it up again: whenever I watch one of these found footage movies, I can't help but ask why, oh why oh why are these characters filming all this stuff?

Near the end of the film Hector is trapped in the witch covens' house and is desperately trying to find a way out. He runs from room to room trying to escape, filming away all the while instead of stuffing the goddamned camera into his pocket.

At one point he enters a room and raises the windows, only to find they've been boarded shut. He actually raises the windows with one hand, as he's still holding the camera in the other. What. The. Hell? Maybe, just maybe if he'd dropped the damn camera for five seconds he could have used both hands to punch the boards out of the window.

At least the other Paranormal Activity films used the conceit of multiple security cameras in the characters' home to explain why everything was being filmed. Here they have no such luxury. Hector quite literally never stops filming for a second, even when he's surrounded by witches and fighting for his very survival. It took me right out of the film.

A welcome change from the increasingly dull Paranormal Activity formula that's ultimately marred by the dreaded found footage style. I give it a C+.

That'll Do, Winter. That'll Do.

I got up at 5:30 am this morning, as I normally do, and saw that the outside temperature was a balmy 1º (the inside temperature wasn't much higher than that either. Hi-YO!).

I thought it might be a good idea to see if my car would even start before I did anything else. The car started just fine, but unfortunately the garage door (the wide one, not the side one) was frozen shut. 

Let me tell you, nothing will wake you up quicker than battling with a frozen garage door at 6 am when you can't feel your fingers or your ears.

I eventually won the battle and thawed out the door and got it to raise. It was now 6:30 am and the temperature was somehow even colder.

When I finally left for work, the sun was up but the temperature had dropped yet again. Isn't it supposed to get warmer as the sun rises?*

That'll do, Winter. That'll do.

Think about days like this the next time you hear someone talking about Mother Earth or Gaia or saving the planet. To hell with this planet. This planet is not our mother. It is not our friend. This planet does not want us here. When the very temperature of the air can kill you, that's a pretty good sign you're living on a planet that's trying to get rid of you.

* I realize the temperature was far, far colder in other places today (-15º in Chicago), but I think we can all agree that it's just too damned cold outside.

I Gotta Worry About THIS Now?

There are many dangers the average city dweller needs to worry about. Robbery, rape, vehicular manslaughter-- even murder.

But there's one thing you shouldn't have to worry about in the middle of the city: being devoured by wolves.

Apparently today three wolves escaped from the Mesker Park Zoo, located in my home town of Evansville. Yikes! Now I gotta start worrying about wolves when I go for a walk around here?

Here's the official news report:

Evansville, IND.- Mesker Park Zoo officials say 3 out of the 4 Mexican gray wolves on site dug a hole in their enclosure about 45 minutes before closing time. 

According to the Zoo, staff members observed the wolves being particularly interested in one section of the fence. They left to report what the wolves were doing and when they came back 1 of the animals had it's head poking out of the fence.

The 2 younger wolves were reportedly easily bribed with food and returned to the habitat without incident.

However, the older wolf was a bit harder to corral. He lead staff on a short chase around the park, but officials say no visitors came into contact with the wolf.
He was eventually caught and taken back the enclosure.

The attraction will be closed while the zoo adds more precautions to the habitats.

I will restrain myself and not make a joke about Mexican wolves escaping through a fence.

It Came From The Cineplex: 47 Ronin

47 Ronin was directed by Carl Erik Rinsch and written by Chris Morgan and Hossein Amini. Morgan was the screen writer of five of the Fast & Furious movies. Talk about strange bedfellows!

The film had a very long and tortuous journey to the screen, which is never a good sign. It was first announced way back in 2008, but due to various delays, filming didn't begin until 2011. Then reshoots were ordered in August 2012 to increase Keaunu Reeve's starring role. The release was then postponed twice, as Universal kept tinkering with the film, changing the direction of the storyline and calling in multiple editors to work on it. It finally premiered on Christmas day, 2013.  

The film reportedly cost a whopping $175 million, an amount due in part to the boneheaded decision to shoot it in detestable 3D.  So far the movie has only grossed around $25 million. Yikes!

The movie is based on the true story of Japan's 47 Ronin, which happened in the early 1700s. Every year on December 14 there's a festival to commemorate the event, held at the Sengaku-ji Buddhist temple where the Ronin are buried.

What's that? You didn't know this was a true story? Well, I can understand that, seeing as how this version is long on fantasy elements and peppered with ki-rin, tengu and witches.

The filmmakers obviously wanted a Lord Of The Rings style fantasy set in Feudal Japan, which is a pretty cool idea. Maybe they should have written an original story though instead of trying to graft monsters onto an event that actually happened. It's a bit jarring at times as the director never quite found the right balance between realism and fantasy.

47 (or fewer) SPOILERS AHEAD!

The Plot:
A half Japanese, half British outcast named Kai (Keaunu Reeves) is taken in and raised by Lord Asano. A ruthless leader named Lord Kira kills Asano and banishes his army of now leaderless samurai (or Ronin). 

The 47 Ronin, along with Kai, vow to seek vengeance on Lord Kira for the unjust death of their master. They succeed, but according to the strict code of the samurai, must commit ritual suicide for their actions.

Thoughts:
• I bet every single special effects scene in the film is in the movie's trailer. When I first saw the preview I thought the movie was going to be a Tolkein-esque fantasy, packed wall to wall with fantastical creatures and magical characters. Nope! There are some monsters and magic scattered throughout the film, but far less than the trailer would have you believe. False advertising!

• I'm impressed that the majority of the cast (except for Keanu Reeves of course) is actually Japanese. 

• That said, I wish they'd have hired actors who were fluent in English or better yet, let them speak Japanese and then subtitled them. 


Many of the Japanese actors didn't speak English at all and had to learn their lines phonetically, which is never a good thing. It was extremely difficult (for me anyway) to understand what some of the characters were saying.

• I fully understand that any time a story features 47 (or in this case, more) characters, there's no way you're going to be able to develop them all. But c'mon! We never get to know anyone in this movie. 

Pretty much all of the characters can be reduced to a one or two word descriptions. There's Keanu, Main Guy, Main Guy's Wife, Fat Guy, Witch Lady, Old Guy With Headband… and those are the main characters! The rest of the 47 Ronin are little more than set decoration.

If we don't know the characters, then we can't care about them, and if we don't care about them-- why should be be concerned when they die?

• Why is Keanu Reeves in this film? I don't remember any mystical half breed outcast in any version of the 47 Ronin that I've read. Plus last time I checked he's not Japanese. 

The answer? Because he's the "American gateway" to the story. If it's just a bunch of Japanese people running around, Americans won't go see it. But if you graft a "half-breed" English character into the story, now they'll pay attention. At least that's what Universal would have you believe.

• See that guy on the right hand side of the poster with the skull-head tattoos? Are you intrigued by his character and somewhat sinister look? Well, that's too damned bad. He's in the movie for literally fifteen seconds. That's more than enough time to be featured prominently on the advertising materials, right?

By the way, Skull-Head Guy is played by Rick Genest, and he's not wearing any makeup. Those are real tattoos and he looks like that in real life. I'm guessing they probably had to cover up the large "biohazard" logo in the middle of his chest, since that likely didn't exist in 1700s Feudal Japan.

• I was already familiar with the story of the 47 Ronin and knew that it ends with everyone killing themselves. All through the movie I kept thinking, "There's no way they're gonna go through with it, they're gonna chicken out and change the ending." This is Hollywood after all, the place that doesn't believe in downer endings. The Hollywood that infamously changed the ending of the Demi Moore version of The Scarlett Letter to give it a happy ending.

So I was very, very surprised when the film actually did end with the ritual suicide of the 47 Ronin. Even Keanu Reeves' grafted-on character dies.

Well done, Hollywood. I'm impressed that you had the guts (heh) to go through with the proper ending.

• At the end of the film the 47 Ronin are all kneeling on blankets on the palace lawn, ready to commit seppuku. Um... so who's gonna cut off all their heads? That's a big part of the ceremony. 

See, when you commit seppuku you plunge a blade into your gut, slide it from left to right to disembowel yourself, then you lean forward so your pal can decapitate you before you suffer too much.

There are no, um, decapitators anywhere to be seen here, so I guess the 47 Ronin had to painfully die over a period of hours (or days!) as they slowly bled out from their belly wounds. Grisly!

A fantasy-fueled retelling of a real-life tale, the 47 Ronin suffers from the intrusion of an English character, nonexistent characterization and a muddled tone. I give it a B-.