The Perfect Disguise!

Just a reminder that in the 1966 Batman theatrical movie, the Joker wore a mask to hide his true identity.

Let me repeat that by shouting it through cupped hands: The villain with paper white skin, bright red lips and fluorescent green hair wore a domino mask to keep from being recognized.

Dare Man? Bat Devil?

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and bet that this alleged Daredevil costume is a repurposed Batman mask & suit. Just a hunch.

"No One Cared Who I Was Until I Put On The Mask..."

It occurred to me today that 2020 has been one lonnnnnng Christopher Nolan movie.

I've forgotten what an unmuffled voice sounds like.
 

Oh, Hai Batman!

So apparently Martin Scorsese— yes, that Martin Scorsese— is producing a new Joker origin movie for Warner Bros. (!). At one point Leonardo DiCaprio was rumored to star in the film (which makes sense, given Scorsese's involvement), but recently Joaquin Phoenix seems to be the frontrunner.

But hold on! Last week a new actor threw his hat into the ring. Tommy Wiseau— yes, that Tommy Wiseau— the writer, producer, director and star of The Room, announced that he's interested in playing the character!

That may be the best idea I've ever heard! Who the hell wants to see a Joker movie in the first place? It honestly sounds like a snoozefest to me, as the character was never meant to be the sole focus of a film. Casting Wiseau in the role would at least guarantee the movie would be interesting. C'mon, Scorsese! Make this happen!

Can you imagine? "You're tearing me apart, Harley!"

Even better: "I did not kill Robin. It's not true. It's bullsh*t. I did not kill him. I did nahht. Oh, hai Batman!"

:"Ha ha ha. What a story, Batman!"

R.I.P. Adam West

Darn. I knew this day would eventually come, but it still hurts. Adam West, TV's Batman, died Friday at age eighty eight. Sad, but I guess that's a pretty good run.

For an entire generation, West was Batman. The 1966 show might have been campy fun, but he took the role seriously, and played it absolutely straight. There've been a host actors who played the role in later years, but West's version remains the most iconic.

I vividly remember sitting on the floor in front of the TV twice a week, dutifully watching Batman. Yes, twice a week. The producers wanted it to be a sixty minute show, but ABC didn't have any hour long timeslots available. So they split the episodes in two and aired them on Wednesday and Thursday nights. 

The first part of each story would always end on a cliffhanger, with Batman and Robin stuck in a villain's trap. I remember these endings always caused me great distress. Being a kid, I didn't understand that this was just a cheap way to get the audience to tune in the next day, and was honestly worried that Batman was gonna die!

The Batman TV show is likely what jump-started my interest in Marvel and DC comics (I read comics before then, but they were generally the funny animal kind), so thanks to Adam West for that. He provided me with many hours of colorful entertainment as a kid, as well as into adulthood as I continued to watch the series he made famous.

R.I.P., old chum!

Now who's gonna save us from that bomb?

Christmas In July

It's July, so you know what that means— it's time for the Hallmark Company to reveal their upcoming line of Christmas ornaments! Because it's only natural to start thinking about the Yuletide holiday when the outside temperature is 97º with 300% humidity.

Actually, the way Christmas Creep has progressed the past few years, I'm surprised Hallmark was able to restrain themselves and hold off until July.

Anyway, let's waste some precious bandwidth and take a look at a few of this year's offerings, shall we?

First up is the Xenomorph Queen from James Cameron's 1986 scifil action masterpiece ALIENS. Overall it looks pretty well done, with lots of fiddly little details that are sure to snap off when you box it up and store it in the closet.

It's always amused me that the Alien Queen's feet are designed to look like she's wearing high heels.

Sadly there's no companion piece of Ellen Ripley in her power loader, screaming, "Get away from her, you BITCH!" to hang on your festive Yule tree.

Suggested retail price: $19.95.

Next up is an ornament of The Man Everyone Loves To Hate, J.R. Ewing of Dallas fame. Because nothing says "Christmas" like a greedy, unscrupulous oil baron, cooling himself with a fan made of cash.

If you look closely, you'll see the bills he's holding actually have his face printed on them, which would no doubt considered legal tender in Texas.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

As always, there are several Star Trek-themed ornaments this year. First up is a small slice of the Enterprise bridge, featuring the Holy Triumvirate of Kirk, Spock and McCoy.

At least I think that's who it's supposed to be, as the likenesses are pretty subpar. Spock doesn't look so bad, but with his Moe haircut, arched eyebrows and pointed ears, it's usually pretty easy to capture him. 

Kirk and McCoy are both pretty terrible though, unless Hallmark's going for a "Claymation Christmas Special" look.

This is actually a table-top ornament, as it's too big to try and hang from a tree (unless you've got one with some very sturdy limbs). It also features sound, but I can't seem to find any sample clips online.

Suggested retail price: A whopping $74.95! Hey, Star Trek those licensing fees costs money!

There's also this "Kirk Vs The Salt Vampire" ornament from the Season 1 episode The Man Trap. Because what better way to get into the Christmas spirit than with an ornament depicting an alien creature painfully killing a man by sucking the sodium chloride from his body.

This one also features sound, including William Shatner's infamous blood curdling scream as his body's drained of all its delicious sodium chloride.

Hopefully the actual ornament's legs won't be crudely Photoshopped like they are in this catalog image.

Suggested retail price: $29.95.

There's also a Rick Grimes figure from AMC's hit series The Walking Dead. Or maybe it's the Brawny Paper Towel Man, it's honestly hard to tell. It looks about as much like Andrew Lincoln as I do. 

Unfortunately, the necessary hanging hardware in the top of the ornament looks for all the world like one of the cast members thought poor Rick had turned into a walker and stabbed in the head with a piece of rebar.

Rick looks positively naked without his trademark coating of zombie blood, so feel free to add your own splatters, for an extra festive touch.

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Here we have an ornament of beloved Winnie-The-Poo character Eyore, attempting something that all men wish they could do, but precious few can actually accomplish. Happy Holidays, everyone!

Suggested retail price: $19.95.

If you're into nearly naked musclebound dudes hanging from your Christmas tree, then you can't go wrong with this He-Man Masters Of The Universe ornament.

Of course He-Man hails from the land of Eternia, where I'm betting they worship a whole pantheon of non-Christian gods, so he might be an odd choice for a Christmas ornament.

Sidenote: Is it a good idea to tightly grasp a sword like that?

Suggested retail price: $15.95.

Up next is the Armored Batman ornament from DC's crap fest Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice. If you're lucky, all your other ornaments will have mothers named "Martha," so he can become best friends with them!

This is supposedly a Comic-Con exclusive (well, lah-de DAH!), so the price is unknown. Rest assured it'll be two to three times what it ought to be.

Ah, the holiday season. The time for peace on Earth, and good will toward all men. Why not commemorate that lovely sentiment than with these Captain America: Civil War ornaments, featuring the title character beating the living crap out of his pal Iron Man?

I really hope we've got all the "good guy against good guy" movies out of our system, so we can get back to fun superhero movies again.

Suggested retail price: $15.95 each.

This ornament is called "Little Cup Of Happy Mini Coconut Santa Mug."

I can think of no better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior than with an ornament depicting a colorful parrot picking brain matter out of the hollowed-out skull of a curiously non-gray haired Santa. More eggnog, anyone?

Suggested retail price: A very reasonable $7.95. See how much of your hard-earned ornament dollar goes toward licensing fees?

It's the Wagon Queen Family Truckster from the classic 1983 comedy Vacation! 

What's that you say? There was a Vacation remake that came out last year? I have no idea what you're talking about. There've only been two Vacation movies— the original and Christmas Vacation.

I really like the "deliberately bad" design of the car in the film, so it's a pity that they covered up half of it with the road barrier debris. 

Suggested retail price: $19.95.

This festive menorah ornament invites visitors who gaze at your Christmas tree to play a spirited game of "What's Wrong With This Picture?"

Suggested retail price: $17.95.

Here's a lovely Star Wars ornament, featuring the menacing villain Darth Vader trying to get his daughter to participate in a hilarious game of "pull my finger." Don't fall for that one, Leia!

Suggested retail price: $29.95.

There's also a Han Solo ornament this year. But not just any Han— this is AARP Han from last year's Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Think of the fun you can have with this ornament, as you make Han check the mailbox for his pension check, frequent the Early Bird Buffet at his favorite restaurant, and topple off the tree after being killed by his ungrateful, long-haired hippie of a son. Whoops! Spoiler alert!

Suggested retail price: $15.95.

Lastly there's this massive Death Star Tree Topper ornament.

Why top your tree with a boring old everyday star, when you can make it a Death Star? The ornament features extensive lights and sounds, which I assume is why it costs so damned much. But think of the looks on your guests' faces when they gaze up in wonder at your tree topper and gasp, "That's no ornament, that's a space station!"

Suggested retail price: $99.95.

Happy Belated 50th Anniversary To Batman!

Happy Belated Anniversary to the Batman TV show, which premiered FIFTY YEARS ago on January 12, 1966. Fifty years! Can you believe it? 

I can vividly recall watching the show as a kid. Twice a week I'd park myself in front of the TV and all activity in the house had to cease while the show was on. Add to that The Munsters and Lost In Space, and it was an amazing time to be a kid in the 1960s!

As a kid I loved the comic book action of Batman— especially the BIFF! and POW! captions that would fill the screen when Batman and Robin would fight the villain of the week. The colorful villains, the pop art design, the various bat-gadgets and the catchy theme song were awesome as well.

Happily adults can also enjoy the show's campiness and the deadly seriousness the actors bring to their roles. I don't know if the producers intentionally planned it that way, but if they did, kudos to them.

Adam West gave us the ultimate Batman-- he played the role perfectly straight, even when he was being dangled over an alligator pit. Burt Ward was also great, as he brought a youthful earnestness to Robin. In fact the entire cast was pitch perfect-- I can't think of any other actorsvwho could play the roles. 

One thing the actors all did right— they played their parts completely deadpan. No matter how outrageous the plots were, they delivered their lines with the utmost seriousness. I think that's why the show's lasted so long— if the cast had been winking at the audience the entire time, it would have been insufferable.

A few Bat-Facts:

• Even though the series only ran for three seasons, it gave us a whopping 120 episodes! Man, actors really earned their pay back in the 1960s!

• Batman was originally intended as a one hour show, but ABC only had two half hour time slots available— on different nights! So the show was split in half, airing twice a week in half hour installments. 

The first episode of the week ended in a cliffhanger, which was resolved the next night. I think that probably helped the popularity of the show— kids watching at home HAD to tune in to see how Batman would get out of the Joker's latest trap!

• Lyle Waggoner was originally considered for the part of Batman.

• Five different Batmobiles were created for the series. The Batmobile was a highly customized 1955 Lincoln Futura. It was built by famed film car customizer George Barris. 

• Today Batman is one of DC Comics' most popular characters, but it wasn't always so. Believe it or not, in the early 1960s the comic was on the verge of cancellation, due to poor sales. The massive success of the TV series renewed interest in the comic.

• Burt Ward earned a meager $350 a week during the first season! 

• Burgess Meredith, who played the Penguin, was always seen with a cigarette holder in his mouth. He claimed the smoke irritated his throat, which is why he always uttered his trademark "Quack, quack, quack" to mask his coughing fits.

• Bruce Wayne's faithful butler Alfred was a character in the comic, but had been killed off a year or so before the show began. When the show began using him, the comic followed suit and resurrected him.

• Many fans believe the Aunt Harriet character was added to the show to prevent viewers from thinking Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson were gay. According to the producers that's an urban legend.

Even if it was true, why would the presence of an addled old maiden aunt scramble anyone's gaydar?

• Supposedly Robin says his catchphrase "Holy (insert word here), Batman!" 352 times over the course of the series.

• When actor Caesar Romero was cast as the Joker, the producers told him he'd have to shave his mustache. Romero was famous for playing Latin lovers in the movies, and refused to shave his trademark. So the makeup man simply slathered white greasepaint over his mustache, as well as the rest of his face.

In the 1960s viewers never noticed this, because everyone was watching TV sets with about 250 scan lines of resolution. With the advent of HDTV, Romero's poorly hidden mustache is quite obvious.

• The various villain's hideouts were always filmed at a "dutch angle" to subliminally suggest they were "crooked."

• There were supposedly eighty four different sound effect words (such as POW!) used in the fight scenes over the course of the series.

• William Dozier, the producer of the series, was also the narrator.

• There was never an origin episode of Batman; the series begins with the Caped Crusaders as already established crime fighters. I'm guessing this was because the show was for kids, and the producers didn't want to deal with the young Bruce Wayne seeing his parents murdered in cold blood before his very eyes, or with Robin's acrobat parents falling to their deaths from a trapeze.

Bruce Wayne has a brief line in the very first episode referencing his parents' death, but it's never mentioned again.

• Two Face was one of Batman's major foes from the comics, and was briefly considered for the show. The producers ultimately decided his appearance would be too gruesome for a kid's series.

• Batman was actually quite a forward thinking show. In the third season, Julie Newmar, who played Catwoman, was filming a movie and was unavailable. The producers recast the part with actress/singer Ertha Kitt. She was one of the very few black actresses on TV at the time (Star Trek's Nichelle Nichols being the other). She broke additional racial boundaries by actually flirting with Batman!

• After ABC canceled the series in 1969, the producers hoped another network might pick it up. They eventually realized that wasn't going to happen, and bulldozed the set. Two weeks later, NBC offered to pick up the series! When they heard the sets had been dismantled, they were unwilling to splurge to have them rebuilt, and the deal was off. 

• Amazingly after five decades people are still referencing the series (despite the fact that some have probably never even seen it!). "Holy Blank, Batman!" and "Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel" are still being quoted to this day!

• Despite the popularity of the series, it was never released on home video until 2014. Various rights issues and legal entanglements were the culprit. It's now finally available on DVD and glorious blu ray, and no doubt looks even better than it did in 1966.

Batman V Superman V Logic

This week the new trailer for the Dark Knight V Hopeman, er, I mean Batman V Superman movie was released. Yawn.

I absolutely hated Man Of Steel, and I don't much care for the grim and gritty Nolanesque version of Batman. I'm also not a fan of Frank Miller's Dark Knight Returns comic, that this movie's partly based on. So I couldn't be less excited about this film.

The trailer's quite a piece of work, as it neatly spells out the entire plot of the movie in two minutes or less. Seriously, after watching it I could sit down right now and bang out a version of the script that would be virtually indistinguishable from the real thing. I don't see how there could be any surprises left when the actual film premieres next year. Way to go, trailer!

There was one scene in the trailer that I thought was absolutely hilarious and feel compelled to point out, so let the unfair and premature mocking begin!

At one point in the trailer, we see a family clinging precariously to the roof of their home as flood water rise all around them. In desperation they've painted an SOS to Superman, hoping against hope he'll appear and save them in time.

Wow, that is some damned impressive typography they painted on the roof of their house! Especially for people who are busy dying in a flood. They even added the little serif at the top of the "S!" This has got to be the house of a graphic designer.

"Honey, be careful! The sign's good enough! Get away from the edge of the roof before you fall in!"

"Are you crazy, Edna? If I don't get the curve of this S just right if we want Superman to save us! Otherwise he might fly down here and snap our necks in anger!"

Note that they apparently had the foresight to bring a bucket of paint, a brush and a paint tray up onto their roof, but apparently didn't bring any food or blankets.

You know, they could have saved a lot of time and effort and just painted "HELP" on their roof like normal humans would. Now the rescue copters are gonna pass them by because they only want help from Superman.

"Look down there, Joe! Some people trapped on their roof who need our help. You get the rope and I'll hover the copter above 'em."

"Eh, never mind, Charlie! They don't want our help. They're holdin' out fer Supes ta save 'em!"

Art Imitating Art

So a few days ago I'm watching the 1966 Batman series, spefically the episode Pop Goes The Joker. In this particular episode, the Joker, played to perfection by Caesar Romero, enters a Gotham City museum and starts defacing the priceless art by spraying paint all over it. 

Of course since this is Batman and it was the 1960s, when abstract art was still new and misunderstood by the mainstream, the damaged paintings actually go up in value. Com-O-Dee!

Anyway... the Joker vandalizing art inside a museum. That seems... familiar somehow. Where have I seen something like that before?

 Ah. Got it. Jack Nicholson did the exact same thing in the 1989 Batman movie.

Caesar Romero (grease painted mustache and all) did it first way back in 1967! And better! AND he didn't force us to listen to a Prince song while he did it!

The Sitcom We Deserve

Last week NBC announced they're developing a new sitcom set in the DC Comics Universe.

I know what you're thinking: Bob's drunk-blogging again. I assure you I'm not (this time) and it's a real story.

The series, called Powerless, is described as "The Office with superheroes." According to NBC's press release, it's "a workplace comedy set in one of the worst insurance companies in America, with the twist being that it takes place in the DC Universe. The show is about the reality of working life for normal people in a world of super heroes and villains."

If you've ever read any Superman comics and thought, "Gosh, I wonder what it would be like to work in an office in downtown Metropolis, then by god this is the series for you.

I for one can't wait for Powerless. I'm especially excited for the thrilling Season Finale, in which the Mr. Slattery, the insurance company's boss, is displeased by a worker's poor job performance and savagely snaps his neck.

Worst. Parents. Ever!

Welp, the first trailer for the upcoming Batman V Superman is out. To borrow from the Bard, it's full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

I know it's bad form to criticize a movie before it even comes out, but I hate these DC films with the white hot passion of a thousand blazing suns, so I'm doing it anyway.

First, some background. Back in 2013's Man Of Steel, we were introduced to a Pa Kent a little different from previous versions. A Pa who was strangely unconcerned with the welfare of others:

Holy crap, Pa! The super-strong, invulnerable Space Jesus you call your son just saved a school bus full of kids from drowning, and you yell at him for doing so, suggesting he should have just "let nature take its course?"

I'm starting to understand why Hopeman was able to so casually snap Zod's neck at the end of the movie.

Not to be outdone, in Batman V Superman, it looks like Ma Kent's getting in on the act as well. Here she is giving her son some more dubious advice:

Wow.

Awesome advice, Ma Kent! You do realize that this planet is Superman's adopted home now, right? He owes EVERYTHING to this world! His planet exploded, for frak's sake! The Earth literally welcomed him into its open arms and saved his life. God forbid he should lift a finger to save it. He should just sit back and watch as it's ravaged by natural disasters and aliens. I'm sure everything will work out alright without him. In fact, he should take from his adopted homeland. Take and take and take as much as he wants and never give a single thing back. That's the American Way these days, right?

You know, any second I expect Ma Kent's face plate to pop off, revealing she and Pa Kent are both androids being controlled by Lex Luthor. At least then there'd be a good reason for the horrible, horrible parenting advice they've given to their walking nuclear bomb of a son.

Worst. Parents. Ever!

“He Who Questions Training Only Trains Himself At Asking Questions.”

In an interview this week, a spokesman for Warner Bros. discussed the studio's approach to making their DC Comics superhero movies. 

"We have a great strategy for the DC films, which is to take these beloved characters and put them in the hands of master filmmakers and make sure they all coordinate with each other." 

"There is intensity and a seriousness of purpose to some of these characters. The filmmakers who are tackling these properties are making great movies about superheroes; they aren’t making superhero movies. And when you are trying to make a good movie, you tackle interesting philosophies and character development."

Woah, woah, woah. Let's back up a minute. He said: 

"The filmmakers who are tackling these properties are making great movies about superheroes; they aren’t making superhero movies."

Welp, if nothing else, at least now we know who's the official spokesman for DC Comics movies.

“He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions.”

“To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.”

"Learn to hide your strikes from your opponent and you'll more easily strike his hide."

"When you doubt your powers, you give power to your doubts."

“When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack.”