Tuesday, April 15, 2014

All Characters Must Die!

Hey, how about that latest episode of Game Of Thrones? You know, The Lion And The Rose. The Purple Wedding and all that. You just never know what's gonna happen on this show! Shocking, shocking stuff. Shocking stuff.

You know the most shocking about this particular episode? No, it wasn't who was killed off this week. It's that It was written by none other than George R. R. Martin, author of the novels on which the show is based.

What. The. Hell? Seriously, George R. R.? You're telling me you have absolutely nothing better to do right now that to sit around writing scripts for your TV series? Wouldn't your time be better spent, oh, I don't know, FINISHING THE LAST TWO GODDAMNED NOVELS

It's patently obvious at this point that the Game Of Thrones TV series is going to catch up to the novels, and very soon. Martin has written five books (out of a proposed seven) so far. Season Four just started, and it supposedly adapts the last half of Book Three, along with elements of Books Four and Five. It's safe to say that by the end of Season Five they'll have caught up with the books.

But Martin keeps on smiling and making that "calm down" gesture with both hands, adamantly denying that this will happen. He assures nervous fans that he'll have Book Six done well before the series comes close to catching up. Nice try, George R. R., but I ain't buying it.

Martin's convinced there's no hurry because he's laboring under the delusion that show runners are David Benioff and D.B. Weiss are filming every single word he's written. They are not. As the series progresses they're picking up the pace, dropping subplots and combining characters as they streamline the story.

Even a quick glance at the timeline reveals a grim pattern. He published Book One in 1996, Book Two in 1998 and Book Three in 2000. So far, so good; just two years between each one. But then Book Four didn't come out until 2005. And Book Five, the most recent one, came out in 2011. That's five and six years each, respectively. At his current rate I wouldn't look for Book Six to be on the shelves any time before 2018!

These are massive books too, generally clocking in at around a thousand pages or more. If he's got two more books to go, that's 2,200 pages. He definitely not a speedy author, so even if he manages to write a page a day it'd take him six years to finish them.  

It's not helping matters that instead of actually sitting down and writing, he's popping up everywhere these days, doing interviews, appearing at conventions and schmoozing on every talk show that'll have him. He's become a bonafide celebrity.

Heck, he's so recognizable that he's become a semi-regular character on Saturday Night Live! They can actually spoof him on SNL and people know who the hell they're talking about! How many other authors can the general public recognize on sight? Probably Shakespeare, and... well, that's about it. Shakespeare and George R. R. Martin. 

Listen George, for the sake of your fans and the HBO shareholders, you need to stop gadding about Hollywood, post haste. Grab your suspenders, your Greek fisherman cap and the rest of your GRRM costume, belly up to the goddamned typewriter and start writing for frak's sake! Here, I'll make it easy for you: "Danerys Stormborn, last of the Targaryans, rode her red dragon over King's Landing, burning everything in her path. She killed all the Lannisters and the White Walkers and took her rightful place on the Iron Throne. The End."

1 comment:

  1. Well said, Bob. I think there should be some kind of reference to meat gravy running down someone's face and/or arms.


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