Tuesday, January 6, 2015

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: King Cake

Just in time to ruin your Epiphany (January 6th), bakeries around the country have announced they're no longer placing the traditional toy baby inside the festive pastry. 

The reason for the baby's absence? You guessed it! Lawsuits!

Yep, the I.Q. of the average American has apparently fallen so low that they're cramming fistfuls of gaudily-decorated cake down their gullets without checking for the baby, and are either breaking their teeth or choking on the plastic figure. And if you don't believe America's getting dumber, then how do we explain all the people who ate these cakes for decades and didn't choke? 

This is the same American public that can't eat a damn Kinder Egg without choking on the toy inside, resulting in a government ban. That's right, kinds throughout Europe can enjoy Kinder Eggs to their hearts' content, while in America possessing one is a criminal offense.

Jesus wept.

Who doesn't know there's a baby in a King Cake? Whoever finds the baby is crowned "king" for the year— that's the only reason these cakes exist in the first place! No one would ever eat one of these unappealing confections without that incentive.

The FDA considers the baby a choking hazard, and baking one into a cake can carry a $2,500 fine (!). Add that to the looming specter of lawsuits, and no baker in their right mind will ever stuff one in a King Cake again.

This is why we can't have nice things in this country!

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