Tuesday, May 19, 2015

All Dolls Must Die!

I don't quite understand why, but for some reason toy company Factory Entertaiment is making a 12' plush talking doll of Game Of Thrones author George R.R.R.R.R. Martin. 

Great. Now Martin's taking time to record lines for a doll instead of finishing his goddamned series.

Why anyone would want a snugly plush doll of America's favorite procrastinating, character-murdering author, I have no idea. Perhaps it's therapeutic— the next time he kills off one of your favorite characters you can stomp on him or hurl him against the wall in a fit of rage.

The doll reportedly speaks ten phrases, such as, "When you play the Game Of Thrones, you win or you die."

Hmm. I wonder if it'll also say "F*ck You!" Or maybe it'll get defensive about not finishing the novels, and say, "Some of you are angry that I watch football during the fall. Some of you hate my other projects. Some of you don't want me attending conventions, teaching workshops, touring and doing promos, or visiting places like Spain and Portugal or Finland. More wasting time, when I should be home working." 

One has to wonder if the doll was supposed to come out last year, but was delayed for several months while Martin worked on writing its lines.

Just in case you doubt that Martin is spending too much time in the spotlight and not enough time at the writing desk, may I remind you HE NOW HAS HIS OWN DOLL. Think about that for a moment. He's become so well known from appearing on talk shows and granting so many interviews that a toy company can make a doll of him that's recognizable to the general public.

How many other authors do you think the average person can identify by sight? Shakespeare, Mark Twain, and... that's it. I can't think of any other current author who's so well known.

The George R.R.R.R. Martin plush doll will be available in the third quarter of 2015 (unless he delays it) and retails for $29.99.


  1. I think JK Rowling is reasonably famous. And if you google "JK Rowling doll", you'll find that Mattel came out with a Barbie (!) version of her 2010. And I don't know if there's a Stephen King one, but I think most people who read books would more or less recognize him.

  2. Okay, I couldn't help but google it. Stephen King not only has a number of dolls or action figures, he even has an official Simpsons doll!
    You know you've made it when that happens.


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