Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Two And A Half (Plus 9.5) Years Too Long

I was browsing Amazon today (a web-site on "the internet") and happened upon this— the twelfth season DVD box set of something called Two And A Half Men. Never heard of it myself, but it must be popular if it's lasted twelve whole seasons.

I'm puzzled by this cover though, and especially the title. Try as I might, I can only spot two men on the cover. Am I missing something here? Where's the "half man?" Is he some sort of invisible ghost? Is he really short, so he's just out of camera range? I don't get it.

Wait a minute— I bet I know what's going on here. The John Cryer character no doubt has a parasitic twin, ala Kuato from Total Recall! Awesome!

Why wouldn't they include something cool like that on the cover? I'd definitely watch a show like that! Without him it looks like just another lame, run of the mill sitcom.

Here's an excerpt from the season opener:

Walden: I want to adopt a child, but as a straight single man I'll never have the chance! 
(tinny, non-stop studio audience laughter)

Alan: Tough break!
(more studio audience laughter)

Kuato (peeking from beneath Alan's shirt): Oh boo hoo! Cry me a river, rich boy!
(uprorious studio laughter)

Walden: Say, gay couples adopt all the time! Alan, let's get married so we can adopt a child!
(still more studio audience laughter)

Alan: But... but we're not gay!
(studio audience soils themselves with laughter)

Walden: No, but the system doesn't know that! I'll finally get to adopt a child! It's the perfect crime!
(studio audience gasps for breath)

Alan: I don't know... Aw, why not? Let's go for it!
(studio audience laughter)

Kuato: Aw hell naw! You two Nancys wanna get married, fine, but do it widdout me!
(Kuato pushes and strains and manages to rip himself out of Alan's torso, thudding to the floor with a wet splat. He crawls out of the beach house, leaving a trail of blood and entrails, as Alan convulses and dies. Fade to black).

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