Wednesday, October 14, 2015

This Month In Inappropriate, Ill-Advised And Bizarre Halloween Costumes

Well, it's October again, so you know what that means— Homecoming games, raking leaves, and stores full of slutty Halloween costumes. 

Oddly enough, this year I haven't seen any of those temporary Halloween stores that pop up in my city. Last year I passed three of 'em on the way home from work (all within a half mile radius), but this year, nada.  I've always wondered if there's really that much money to be made by these stores. After all, how many Sexy Journeyman Electrician costumes can a person sell? I'd occasionally browse around one or two of these stores, but I never bought anything, ever. Maybe no one else did either. That's probably why they skipped my town this year.

This year the Halloween costume designers have gone all out in their search for innocent subject matter to co-opt and corrupt. No pop culture figure is off limits, no internet meme is too fleeting. Anything and everything MUST be turned into a costume, at all costs. Let's take a look at a few ridiculous examples, shall we?

First up we have the Sexy Pizza Rat costume. You remember Pizza Rat, don't you? He was all the rage on the internet last month, for all of about ten minutes. If that. But that's plenty of time to warrant a costume, right? Be prepared to explain who you're supposed to be if you're gullible enough to buy one of these.

I'll bet a month's pay that this started out as a "Sexy Mouse" costume and the manufacturer hurriedly hot glued a couple of slices of felt pizza to the hips and renamed it in a transparent effort to cash in on an already stale meme.

Next we have Sexy Darth Vader and Sexy Chewbacca costumes, because even Star Wars isn't immune from Slutification.

The Vader one's actually not too bad, although it may just be the way the model's filling it out that's coloring my opinion. I'm baffled by what she's holding in her hand though. Is that giant striped party favor supposed to be a light saber? Also, I find her lack of helmet disturbing.

The Chewbacca one... oy. It's a stretch at best. I'm betting there's probably a yellow one just like this that's labeled Sexy Canary.

Continuing the Star Wars theme, this one is labeled as an Adult Male Darth Vader costume. Nice try. This is nothing more than a onesie. A giant, man-sized onesie. It even comes with a hood instead of a proper helmet and mask! 

Expect to be the laughingstock of the party if you dare to wear this sad looking thing.

This is the Adult Annabelle costume from the mediocre 2014 film of the same name. You remember the heartwarming story of Annabelle, right? The charming haunted doll that tried to kill its owners? No? Well, don't worry, few do.

Now that I think about it, this could also pass as a Joan Crawford costume from Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

I resent the fact that I have to live in a world where a sh*tty movie like Annabelle warrants its own costume.

Hey look, it's our old video game pal Mario, riding his trusty steed Yoshi!

This costume comes with a bit of backstory. Apparently Mario's parents were militant anti-vaxxers, and refused to inoculate him against polio. Naturally he caught the disease, his legs withered and shrunk, and now he's forced to ride on a dinosaur's back wherever he goes.

As I said, these Halloween costume designers don't overlook anything, not even beloved icons of Americana. This one is oddly labeled Adult Riveting Darling. So you know what that means! Yep, the name Rosie The Riveter must be trademarked!

What better way to celebrate this inspirational symbol of female empowerment than by tarting her up in a pair of hot pants, thigh-high stockings and stiletto heels? We can do it!

This one is labeled Adult Male Groot costume, although you'd be hard pressed to tell that just from looking. 

As you can see, it consists of a half mask (not even a full over-the-head one) and a camouflage hunting shirt. That's it. No gloves, no boots, and worst of all, not even any pants. This is literally the definition of "half-assed."

This one's called Sexy Seahorse. Since male seahorses are the ones who actually give birth, you'll really confuse your fellow party goers if you show up wearing this! "It's a sexy girl, but... but the boy seahorse does the thing with the babies and the oy, my pupick!"

Looking forward to the inevitable Sexy Sea Cucumber and Sexy Geoduck costumes next year (Google them to fully appreciate that joke)!

Sigh... Here we have Sexy Olive Oyl, which once again not only proves that there's no character these designers won't debase and corrupt, but that they have absolutely no understanding of the source material.

Olive is supposed to be a skinny, sexless beanpole. Slutifying her is about as pointless as making a Sexy Donald Trump costume!

Jesus Jetskiing Christ, it's a Sexy Donald Trump costume! I just lost the will to live.

I'm warning you all right now— taking a repellent and repulsive figure like Trump, gender flipping him and trying to make the sorry result sexy is going to tear a hole in the fabric of spacetime and destroy our universe. Mark my words!

This costume is labeled Sexy Hungry Werewolf. Honestly I'm having trouble seeing anything lycanthropic about it. I guess the ears, gloves and tail make it a werewolf?

I'm also astonished to find that stiletto Carhartt work boots are apparently a thing.

I have a feeling they probably sell this exact costume sans the fur and call it Sexy Hillbilly so they can rake in double the money from one outfit.

And lastly, only nine months (at least!) too late, it's the Sexy What Color Is This Dress costume! Yes, the internet meme that mildly entertained you for a few minutes almost a year ago is now available for you to wear.

Expect shouting matches and fistfights to erupt at any party you attend in this fetching little number!

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