Saturday, October 31, 2015

STILL More Inappropriate, Ill-Advised And Bizarre Halloween Costumes

Well, it's October again, so you know what that means— Homecoming games, raking leaves, and stores full of slutty Halloween costumes. 

Oddly enough, this year I haven't seen any of those temporary Halloween stores that pop up in my city. Last year I passed three of 'em on the way home from work (all within a half mile radius), but this year, nada. I've always wondered if there's really that much money to be made by these stores. After all, how many Sexy Journeyman Electrician costumes can a person sell? I'd occasionally browse around one or two of these stores, but I never bought anything, ever. Maybe no one else did either. That's probably why they skipped my town this year.

This year the Halloween costume designers have gone all out in their search for innocent subject matter to co-opt and corrupt. No pop culture figure is off limits, no internet meme is too fleeting. Anything and everything MUST be turned into a costume, at all costs. Let's take a look at a few ridiculous examples, shall we?

Sigh... this is the Sexy Carrot costume. Yet more proof that every object doesn't need to be turned into a sexy costume.

 It's the gender-bent Sexy Charlie Brown costume! Thank goodness Charles M. Schulz isn't alive to see this! Good grief!

I'm a bit confused by this Adult Cooked Turkey costume. Besides the fact that it's just plain butt ugly and disturbing, the "adult" label would seem to indicate they make this thing in kid sizes. That seems like reason enough for the sheriff to take your child away from you if you dress him in this thing.

Secondly... I've never in my life seen anyone wear a costume to Thanksgiving dinner, so it has to intended for Halloween parties. Who dresses as a Thanksgiving turkey for Halloween?

Here's another event-confused getup: the Adult Christmas Tree costume. Again, I don't get it. Christmas and everything bad associated with it'll be here all too soon. Don't hurry it along.

Wrapping up this confusing trend, here's the Adult Fragi-lay Wooden Crate costume from everyone's favorite Halloween movie, A Christmas Story. Expect to explain what you're supposed to be all night if you're stupid enough to wear this thing to a party.

This is the aptly named Inflatable Adult Camosuit. I'm reeeeeally confused by this one. I guess it's for people who want to take up as much space as possible while still remaining invisible? 

Perhaps you wear it in your deer blind when you go hunting, and if you fall out of the tree, the inflatable suit'll break your fall?

For the discerning Deadhead (if there are any still alive), it's the Grateful Dead Deluxe Dancing Bear costume. Pass the 'shrooms!

If anyone at the party can name a Dead song other than Touch Of Grey, give 'em a gold star.

Now we're getting into slightly more inappropriate territory. This is the Sexy Bubblegum Machine costume.

I can think of at least one way they could have made it even sexier, involving where the gumballs actually come out. If you've ever seen a live sex show in Thailand, you'll know what I'm talking about. Was I too subtle there?

Continuing the trend, it's the Spicy Woman's Taco costume. Come on, do I even have to explain this one?

And here we have the Hot Scottie Male costume. I have a feeling few party goers are going to have the physique necessary to pull this one off.

I can also guarantee that any man who wears this one is going to make a "wanna see if I've got something on under my kilt" joke before the night's over.

Finishing up the so-called "naughty" theme, we have the Male Flasher costume. Because men publicly exposing themselves to innocent women is hiLARious, dontcha know.

How much do you want to bet the costume company sells the exact same outfit as a Secret Agent costume, raking in twice the dough?

Here we have the Adult Jailhouse Jumpsuit costume. Wow. This seems like a really, really bad idea. If you have the poor judgement to buy this costume, at least don't put in on until you get to the party. Otherwise, good luck running into the supermarket to get ice, or explaining yourself to the police when you're stopped for speeding.

Oy. Hasn't this clan's fifteen minutes of fame expired yet? It's the Duck Dynasty Adult Costume series. Here we have the officially licensed Duck Dynasty Willie costume. Note that it comes with headband, fake beard and vest only. You have to provide the grimy, faded jeans yourself.

And of course there's an Official Duck Dynasty Uncle Si costume. Again, hat, beard and vest only are included. You have to provide the blue cup yourself! Booooo! I'm not proud of it, but even I know they should have included his trademark ever-present cup.

And of course what Duck Dynasty costume series would be complete without a facsimile of family patriarch Phil Robertson

Sorry fans! Horrifying beliefs and extreme racism not included!

And lastly we have the Adult Bird Attack costume, which is obviously an unlicensed Tippi Hedren from Alfred Hitchcock's classic film The Birds.

OK, I actually like this one. They did a pretty good job, it's not outrageously revealing and it's even kind of funny. Kudos!

I also like this one quite a bit. It's called Sexy Space Fighter, but it's obviously an unlicensed Sexy Marvin The Martian, from the Looney Toons cartoons.

The costume makers accidentally scored a hit here though. It's sexy without being slutty, and it actually looks like most of the women on the covers of pulp sci-fi magazines from the 1940s and 1950s. Good inadvertent work, guys!

Happy Halloween!

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