Thursday, October 22, 2015

More Inappropriate, Ill-Advised And Bizarre Halloween Costumes

Well, it's October again, so you know what that means— Homecoming games, raking leaves, and stores full of slutty Halloween costumes.

Oddly enough, this year I haven't seen any of those temporary Halloween stores that pop up in my city. Last year I passed three of 'em on the way home from work (all within a half mile radius), but this year, nada. I've always wondered if there's really that much money to be made by these stores. After all, how many Sexy Journeyman Electrician costumes can a person sell? I'd occasionally browse around one or two of these stores, but I never bought anything, ever. Maybe no one else did either. That's probably why they skipped my town this year.

This year the Halloween costume designers have gone all out in their search for innocent subject matter to co-opt and corrupt. No pop culture figure is off limits, no internet meme is too fleeting. Anything and everything MUST be turned into a costume, at all costs. Let's take a look at a few ridiculous examples, shall we?

Sometimes the name is odder than the costume itself. This one is called Sexy Tux And Ears. I'm having a hard time seeing a tux anywhere in this. A better name would be Unlicensed Sexy Mickey Mouse. Uncle Walt would be spinning in his grave right now if his body wasn't stored in a cryogenic chamber deep below Disney Land.

Obviously the Disney company had nothing to do with this. I'm betting the costume company couldn't afford to license it from them either, so they just made a vaguely Mickey Mouse-looking costume and gave it generic, noncommital name. So that's it? That's all it takes to get around copyright law? If so, I'm going to make my own Darth Vader costume and call it Terrifying Evil Space Dad.

Continuing the unlicensed Disney theme, this one's called Rocket Babe. I'll let you guess who it's supposed to be. "To double D-cups and beyond!"

Is... is that Jennifer Lawrence modeling this costume?

This one's called Deluxe Sequin Fairy costume, and it's actually not that bad. It's sexy but not slutty, and pretty darned close to the source material. I believe in fairies indeed!

It's always puzzling to me when a costume company tries to sex up something that was sexy to begin with. This one's called Toon Hottie, and is obviously a thinly disguised Jessica Rabbit. But her character was already as overtly sexy as possible. And they just made her even sexier! Inception! 

Just another case of the companies pumping out costumes without understanding the source material.

Here we have the men's Bubble Wrap costume. As near as I can tell, it's made from actual bubble wrap. Sweet, soothing, poppable bubble wrap. I'm guessing this is a one-use-only costume, because at the end of the night your fellow partygoers will have popped all your bubbles, rendering it useless.

Here's another costume with a puzzling name. This one's called Gansta Girl

Um... I think they used the wrong spelling of "gangster" here. This is a sexy version of the traditional pin-striped Hollywood movie gangster, the kind that carried a Tommy gun inside a violin case. It's not a hip-hop rap style ganSTA. Know your source material, people!

Designing and manufacturing costumes is expensive, so companies like to cut corners and save a few cents wherever they can. Here's a prime example of costume recycling. The costume on the left is the Deluxe Lion Tamer, while the one on the right is the Deluxe Ringleader

They're the same damned costume! They both contain the same top hat, boots and riding crop. The only difference is in the jacket and the cut of the hot pants.

By the way, I think they mean "Ringmaster," not "Ringleader." Doy.

This one is labeled the Nurse High costume. I... I don't even know what I'm looking at here. It's a sexy nurse uniform festooned with marijuana leaves, so... I guess she's a caregiver who helps her patients get high? Is that it? Is that the joke? Maybe you have to be high to understand it.

Look everyone, it's our old friend the Sexy Corn costume! It debuted last year, and I bet it'll be around for many more to come. In fact I bet there are warehouses full of these that the manufacturer can't even give away. Who the hell would want go to a party dressed as Sexy Corn? There's nothing sexy about corn. Nothing I tell you!

I have a feeling in a few years missionaries will spot impoverished villagers in Africa wearing these costumes as everyday clothing.

Here we have the Chris Pratt As Owen Grady costume from this summer's hit Jurassic World.

Thank the gods old and new that someone finally put out a costume of everyone's favorite raptor wrangler! Because no one would ever be able to throw together a costume consisting of a blue shirt, leather vest and brown pants by themselves!

OK, I'm generally not one to panic. I think most of our country's airport security measures are unnecessary, and the TSA searches are nothing more than theater vto give the public the illusion of safety. That said, this Airline Pilot costume seems like a very bad idea.

Yeee-HAW! It's the Boss Hog costume from the hit 1980s TV show, The Dukes Of Hazzard

I'm very confused by this costume. Not only does it come three decades too late, but I don't remember Boss Hogg being this morbidly obese. Sure, he was overweight, but nowhere near the "Can't Get Out Of Bed Under His Own Power And Requires The Fire Department To Remove The Side Of His House To Get Him Out And Transport Him To The Bariatric Unit" look seen here.

The costume says it comes with an internal hoop to give the wearer a rotund appearance. But then as you can see it's labeled a Plus Size costume. So I guess this means it's one size fits all? If you're under 600 pounds you use the hoop, and if you're over you leave it out and squeeze into the pants?

Lastly we have the awesome new Hashtag costume! My new least favorite catchphrase has now been captured in a costume! Hashtag hilarious!

Personally I'll be skipping this one and waiting for the Caps Lock costume SO I CAN SHOUT AT EVERYONE AT THE PARTY AND TELL THEM MY CAPS KEY IS STUCK!

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