Thursday, September 5, 2019

Thanks, I Hate It

This week Recorded Picture Company, an Italian movie studio I've never heard of, released a trailer for their upcoming adaptation of Pinocchio.

Here's a shot of the title character from the trailer. Jesus Jetskiing Kee-rist! Thanks, I hate Pinocchio now.

The movie stars Roberto Benigni as Geppetto, which is reason enough to avoid it right there. Benigni actually played Pinocchio in a 2002 film adaptation (when he was a young boy of just 50 years old!), so I guess his casting here as Geppetto is supposed to be an in-joke or homage or something.

The entire trailer is nothing but pure nightmare fuel, featuring what appears to be a series of ghastly fever dreams pulled straight from the mind of a Skid Row drug addict attempting to go cold turkey.

Don't believe me? Take a look for yourself at these horrors from the trailer:

You've got what appears to be a Shakespearean ape...

Creepy marionettes fondling Pinocchio without his consent...

Bird man barristers...

A half woman, half mollusk, with a giant snail shell for an ass...

A literal dog soldier...

And what may or may not be the Blue Fairy, who looks incredibly off-putting here.

Granted, it's been a lonnnnnng time since I read the book, but I don't remember any of these horrifying characters being in it.

The worst part though is definitely still Pinocchio. He doesn't just reside in the Uncanny Valley, he took an excavator and dug several new sublevels BELOW it! I think the most disturbing thing about him is his appallingly disturbing eyes. It kind of looks like they tried to superimpose some kid's real eyes over a CGI face. And somehow the eyes look both real and dead at the same time. 

There's nothing lovable or cute about this character. In fact every time I see it I just want to club it in the head with a shovel till it stops moving. 

I assume this is a kids' movie, but be prepared for lots of sleepless nights if you insist on screening it for your brood.

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