Clowning Around Update Update

A few weeks ago I wrote the nationwide rash of reports of sinister clowns trying to lure unsuspecting children into nearby woods.

As tension and fear spread, the professional clowning community took to social media to try and reclaim their "wholesome," positive image. They even went so far as to try and organize a "Clown Lives Matter" march (!).

Which brings us to today. Retail giant Target announced that effective immediately, they're pulling all scary clown masks and costumes from their stores and website.

Said Target spokesman Joshua Thomas, "Given the current environment, we have made the decision to remove a variety of clown masks from our assortment, both in stores and online."

Fast food behemoth McDonald's also got into the act. A spokesmen for the company said that due to the recent clown-related events, they're temporarily "retiring" their mascot Ronald McDonald, pulling him from all advertising and canceling personal appearances.

Personally I couldn't care less about the damage this is doing to clowns and their image, because they suck, they're not funny and I hate them. But it does kind of bother me that the nation's knee-jerk reaction is to pull the masks from stores.

Today it's clown costumes. What's it gonna be tomorrow? Witches? They promote wiccan beliefs, so they need to go. Hobos? They're disrespectful to the homeless, so pull 'em. Zombies? They could give children an unhealthy interest in necrophilia, so god yes, get them outta sight!

Mark my words— it's only a matter of time before THIS is the only acceptable and approved costume available here in the Offended States Of America. Available in unisex, inoffensive gray, of course.

Thanks to my pal Ted Parsnips for the heads up on the Target and McDonald's incidents.

Clowning Around

In the past few months, there's been a nationwide rash of reports of sinister clowns trying to lure children into nearby woods.

These incidents reportedly have the "professional and amateur clowning community" on edge. In an effort to calm the public's fears and reclaim their "positive" image, clowns have taken to Facebook and started a #realclownsareaboutlove hashtag.

How about this for a hashtag: #clownsaren'tfunnyandeveryonehatesthem.

So now we have to be mindful and tolerant of freakin' clowns and their rights? Jesus Christ! I think the thing that bugs me most about this story is they seem to see themselves as a legitimate minority. Clowns aren't a separate race, you pasty-faced morons. You're just a bunch of idiots who paint fake smiles on your face to hide your true emotions.

If I see even one t-shirt that says "Clown Lives Matter" on it, I swear to f*ck I will sign up for Elon Musk's Mars colony.