This Week In Ridiculous TV Programming Decisions

TVLAND Executive Pulls Reruns Of The Dukes Of Hazzard Due To The Fact It's An Awful, Awful Show

NEW YORK, NEW YORK– This week Phillipe Dauman, President and CEO of Viacom Inc., made the controversial decision to pull reruns of 1980s series The Dukes Of Hazzard from the TVLand lineup. The network, which is owned by parent company Viacom, regularly airs older TV shows as well as some original content.

"I know this is going to be a contentious decision," said Dauman. "The series has been airing for so many decades it's become a tradition in some parts of the country, and many viewers feel a sense of pride when it's displayed on their TV screens. It's become steeped in our popular culture."

"Despite this classic status, many viewers forget it was universally panned when it first appeared," said Dauman. "It's high time we pulled it from the lineup."

When asked why pull the series after so many years, Dauman replied, "Of course I've been aware of The Dukes Of Hazzard for years now, but I've never actually sat down and watched an entire episode. Not even a minute of one."

"Then last weekend I had a flight delay, so I had a couple of hours to kill," said Dauman. "The TV in the lounge just happened to be tuned to our network, and it just happened to be playing an episode of Hazzard, so I finally watched it."

"I... I could barely believe what I was seeing," said a visibly shaken Dauman. "The appalling Southern stereotypes, the rampant sexism, the buffoonish authority figures, the cartoonish physics... I was absolutely aghast. And here we've been playing all 145 episodes of this awful series for years!"

"I immediately contacted the programming director and ordered him to pull the series from the air. It was a controversial decision, as I understand it's still popular in certain areas of the country, but such an insulting and offensive show has no place in our modern world."

Bauman went on to add, "Did you know that Sorrell Booke, who played Boss Hogg, was a classically trained stage actor? The man was a counterintelligence officer in the Korean War, and fluent in five languages! And to think he was reduced to whoring himself out on a terrible, terrible show like this."

"Dear god. I didn't know. F-forgive me. I didn't know." Dauman then trailed off and stared down at his hands, remaining silent for a full twenty minutes.

Dauman has since begun closely examining the rest of the TVLand lineup, and has already pulled other really awful shows such as Punky Brewster, Supertrain, Galactica 1980, Pink Lady And Jeff, AfterMASH, The Flying Nun, Hello Larry, Joanie Loves Chachi, Me And The Chimp, The Ropers, She's The Sheriff, Small Wonder and Who's The Boss?

Remove The Flag? In Our Moment Of Triumph? I Think You Overestimate Their Chances!

DATELINE: CORUSCANT–– This week Shev Mundo, Chancellor of the New Galactic Republic, called for the immediate removal of the Imperial flag from all public buildings in the Southern Hemisphere of the capitol planet of Coruscant. The planet-wide metropolis, which lies at the center of the galactic core, is the seat of government in the New Republic.

Mundo said the removal of the flags was in response to a growing backlash against symbols of the Empire, which was defeated when Emperor Palpatine was destroyed some 150 years ago.

According to Mundo, the stark black and white flag is a reminder of a dark and shameful period in the galaxy, when the evil Galactic Empire ruled through fear, grip-tightening and moon-sized battle stations. "The last remnants of the Empire have been swept away forever," said Mundo. "The flags have become a distraction. Removing them will allow the Galactic Senate move on to more pressing matters."

"While we must be ever mindful of the past," said Mundo, "We cannot let it define us." 

For over a century, images of the Empire have generated controversy, as many viewed them as painful symbols of evil and oppression. Others claim the flag is honoring ancestors who fought in the War.

The majority of the public has agreed with the decision. Rax Gundollian, a spice merchant from Corellia, said, "It's about time the flags were taken down. They should never have been allowed to fly as long as they did. The Empire lost. It's just too bad Ackbar didn't let General Rieekan drive them into the sun."

Many opposed the removal. Garn Kremoni, a midlevel file clerk at the First Bank Of Coruscant, said, "Any attack made against this flag will be a useless gesture. Mundo's sad devotion to ancient governmental procedure hasn't helped him conjure up a positive approval rating, nor given him clairvoyance enough to know what the people want." Kremoni then ominously intoned, "I find your lack of flags disturbing."

Others were downright sarcastic. Vrax Gosular, a programmer employed in the Kremplor Droid Factory, said, "I'm glad to see the Senate has apparently solved every other problem facing the Republic, so they can devote all their time and effort to removing flags."

Some citizens were downright cryptic. Grakarrwaaa, a Wookiee immigrant from Kashyyyk, said, "ROOWWRR! GRAAAAAWAWAWAWAW! ROOOOKKHHHHHH!"

So far the Imperial flags have been removed from Coruscant only, but pundits expect the movement to quickly spread throughout the Galaxy, even to Outer Rim planets such as Tattooine. Dahn Windstabber, a student at the Southern University of Mos Eisley, said, "You can take away our flags, but you ain't never gonna take away our spirit! The Sith shall rise again! Yeeee-haw!"