This Week In Ridiculous TV Programming Decisions

TVLAND Executive Pulls Reruns Of The Dukes Of Hazzard Due To The Fact It's An Awful, Awful Show

NEW YORK, NEW YORK– This week Phillipe Dauman, President and CEO of Viacom Inc., made the controversial decision to pull reruns of 1980s series The Dukes Of Hazzard from the TVLand lineup. The network, which is owned by parent company Viacom, regularly airs older TV shows as well as some original content.

"I know this is going to be a contentious decision," said Dauman. "The series has been airing for so many decades it's become a tradition in some parts of the country, and many viewers feel a sense of pride when it's displayed on their TV screens. It's become steeped in our popular culture."

"Despite this classic status, many viewers forget it was universally panned when it first appeared," said Dauman. "It's high time we pulled it from the lineup."

When asked why pull the series after so many years, Dauman replied, "Of course I've been aware of The Dukes Of Hazzard for years now, but I've never actually sat down and watched an entire episode. Not even a minute of one."

"Then last weekend I had a flight delay, so I had a couple of hours to kill," said Dauman. "The TV in the lounge just happened to be tuned to our network, and it just happened to be playing an episode of Hazzard, so I finally watched it."

"I... I could barely believe what I was seeing," said a visibly shaken Dauman. "The appalling Southern stereotypes, the rampant sexism, the buffoonish authority figures, the cartoonish physics... I was absolutely aghast. And here we've been playing all 145 episodes of this awful series for years!"

"I immediately contacted the programming director and ordered him to pull the series from the air. It was a controversial decision, as I understand it's still popular in certain areas of the country, but such an insulting and offensive show has no place in our modern world."

Bauman went on to add, "Did you know that Sorrell Booke, who played Boss Hogg, was a classically trained stage actor? The man was a counterintelligence officer in the Korean War, and fluent in five languages! And to think he was reduced to whoring himself out on a terrible, terrible show like this."

"Dear god. I didn't know. F-forgive me. I didn't know." Dauman then trailed off and stared down at his hands, remaining silent for a full twenty minutes.

Dauman has since begun closely examining the rest of the TVLand lineup, and has already pulled other really awful shows such as Punky Brewster, Supertrain, Galactica 1980, Pink Lady And Jeff, AfterMASH, The Flying Nun, Hello Larry, Joanie Loves Chachi, Me And The Chimp, The Ropers, She's The Sheriff, Small Wonder and Who's The Boss?

Remove The Flag? In Our Moment Of Triumph? I Think You Overestimate Their Chances!

DATELINE: CORUSCANT–– This week Shev Mundo, Chancellor of the New Galactic Republic, called for the immediate removal of the Imperial flag from all public buildings in the Southern Hemisphere of the capitol planet of Coruscant. The planet-wide metropolis, which lies at the center of the galactic core, is the seat of government in the New Republic.

Mundo said the removal of the flags was in response to a growing backlash against symbols of the Empire, which was defeated when Emperor Palpatine was destroyed some 150 years ago.

According to Mundo, the stark black and white flag is a reminder of a dark and shameful period in the galaxy, when the evil Galactic Empire ruled through fear, grip-tightening and moon-sized battle stations. "The last remnants of the Empire have been swept away forever," said Mundo. "The flags have become a distraction. Removing them will allow the Galactic Senate move on to more pressing matters."

"While we must be ever mindful of the past," said Mundo, "We cannot let it define us." 

For over a century, images of the Empire have generated controversy, as many viewed them as painful symbols of evil and oppression. Others claim the flag is honoring ancestors who fought in the War.

The majority of the public has agreed with the decision. Rax Gundollian, a spice merchant from Corellia, said, "It's about time the flags were taken down. They should never have been allowed to fly as long as they did. The Empire lost. It's just too bad Ackbar didn't let General Rieekan drive them into the sun."

Many opposed the removal. Garn Kremoni, a midlevel file clerk at the First Bank Of Coruscant, said, "Any attack made against this flag will be a useless gesture. Mundo's sad devotion to ancient governmental procedure hasn't helped him conjure up a positive approval rating, nor given him clairvoyance enough to know what the people want." Kremoni then ominously intoned, "I find your lack of flags disturbing."

Others were downright sarcastic. Vrax Gosular, a programmer employed in the Kremplor Droid Factory, said, "I'm glad to see the Senate has apparently solved every other problem facing the Republic, so they can devote all their time and effort to removing flags."

Some citizens were downright cryptic. Grakarrwaaa, a Wookiee immigrant from Kashyyyk, said, "ROOWWRR! GRAAAAAWAWAWAWAW! ROOOOKKHHHHHH!"

So far the Imperial flags have been removed from Coruscant only, but pundits expect the movement to quickly spread throughout the Galaxy, even to Outer Rim planets such as Tattooine. Dahn Windstabber, a student at the Southern University of Mos Eisley, said, "You can take away our flags, but you ain't never gonna take away our spirit! The Sith shall rise again! Yeeee-haw!"

Why So Pence?

INDIANAPOLIS– This week Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed his controversial new Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law. The bill has caused a furor in the Hoosier state, as opponents fear it will give businesses the legal right to refuse service to the LGBT community.

Governor Pence has adamantly defended the bill, saying, "This piece of legislation is absolutely vital for residents of Indiana, as it protects their individual religious freedoms, a topic already covered quite thoroughly by the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution."

Opponents of the bill say it's vaguely worded and could be used to discriminate against homosexuals and other minorities. When questioned about the intent of the legislation, Pence stated, "These rampant and illogical fears are completely unfounded. This bill that's expressly designed to allow businesses to discriminate against homosexuals will of course never be used in the manner in which it was intended. Leave it to the liberal media to imply that such a bill could ever possibly be used for its exact purpose."

Pence went on to add, "Hoosier citizens are behind this bill 100%, which is why I signed it in a secret ceremony, inside a bunker located hundreds of feet beneath the Governor's mansion, surrounded by a human shield of nuns, monks, priests, clerics, friars, padres, vicars, rabbis, shamans and wizards."

"Seriously," said Pence, "Just look at all of them I managed to pack in here! How could anyone, even the staunchest and most ill-informed liberal, possibly come to the conclusion that the Religious Freedom Restoration Act is a bad thing when I had this many religious nuts standing around me? A priest or a nun wouldn't just stand idly by, smiling beatifically while I signed something bad now, would they?"

"I tried to get the Pope to appear too," added Pence, "But his office wouldn't return my calls. And I think Mother Teresa died a couple years ago."

When questioned, many of the religious leaders who attended the photo-op admitted they had no idea why they were there. Rabbi Schlomo Mendelbaum was horrified when informed of true purpose of the ceremony. "I was told there'd be a spread here," said Mendelbaum. "I'm not seeing any food. Wha? I'm here for what? A bill that does what? Jesus Christ! Let me out of here! Where's the door?"

Other members of the so-called "religious" leaders in attendance were actually cosplayers, brought in from a nearby comic book convention. One was dressed as Gandalf the White, a main character from the popular Lord Of The Rings novels, along with several Jedis, the fictional order from the Star Wars films, and several Tenth Level Clerics from the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game.

Many major corporations in the Hoosier state have expressed their outrage over the bill, threatening to relocate if the legislation isn't immediately repealed. Salesforce, a multi-billion dollar firm, has canceled plans for a major expansion in Indiana, while GenCon, a popular annual gaming convention, and the NCAA have also threatened to take their business elsewhere. These businesses and events represent billions of dollars, a loss the Hoosier state can ill afford.

Pence was nonplussed by the threats and boycotts. "Prolonged and devastating economic collapse is a small price to pay so that Indiana bakers have the right to refuse service to homosexuals," said Pence. "Which is not what the bill is designed to do, by the way! I'm just saying."

"If we don't act immediately, who knows how many small businesses will be forced to cater to those people?" added Pence, as he visibly shuddered in an exaggerated and cartoonish manner. "Today it's bakers, tomorrow it could be seamstresses, forced to make two gowns for the same wedding! Brrrr!"

Some pundits have speculated that Pence signed the controversial bill in order to gain favor among conservative Republicans, as preparation for a Presidential run. "I am absolutely and categorically not running for President," said Pence. "Honestly, I have no idea where you people get such ideas," he said, as he hurriedly shoved a form labeled "Application For President Of The United States Of America" into his desk drawer.