Shouldering His Way Through

This is evil, evil bastard Mike Pence. As you all know, this soulless, steely-eyed asshole is about to become our new Vice President. 

Pence been the Governor of Indiana since 2013, where he cut a wide path of death and destruction through the entire state. Those of you outside Indiana have no idea what this demon in vaguely human form is capable of, but you're all about to find out. The idea of this malevolant homonculus being just a heartbeat away from the Presidency should chill you to your very core.

But let's try and forget all that for a few seconds, and try and figure out what makes Mike Pence tick. What impresses him in a fellow politician? Is it their personal values? Their professionalism? Is he impressed by the number of abortion clinics they've personally shut down? The number of tax breaks they've given to giant corporations?

Nope! According to Pence himself, the thing that impresses him most about a fellow politician is their shoulders.

Yep, you read right. Pence couldn't give two hoots about a politician's abilities or achievements. As long as their collarbones are sturdy and a sufficient distance apart, they're A-OK in his book. In fact, Pence once stated that "Ronald Reagan's broad-shouldered leadership inspired my life."

Pence seems particularly impressed with President-elect Donald Trump's hardy, masculine shoulder width. In fact evidence suggests he can't go five minutes without mentioning his running-mate's manly, strapping physique. I'm starting to think the two of them need to get a room.

Columnist Jonathan Chait compiled this list of actual quotes from Mike Pence. I cannot emphasize this enough— these are real and not made up:

• July 15, 2016: “Donald Trump is going to provide the kind of broad-shouldered American leadership on the world stage that I think will make the world a more stable place.”

• July 17, 2016: “One of the reasons why I said yes in a heartbeat to run with this man, is because he embodies American strength, and I know that he will provide that kind of broad-shouldered American strength on the global stage as well.”

• July 29, 2016: “To be around Donald Trump is to be around a man with broad shoulders.”

• August 14, 2016: “He’s a man with broad shoulders, he’s got a clear vision, he’s strong.”

• August 14, 2016: “I think you’re going to be ready, Chris, for a vision, but also for real specifics about how new leadership in the White House, a change of direction in the White House and the kind of broad-shouldered leadership that Donald Trump will bring is going to make our country more safe.”

• August 28, 2016: “As I am traveling all over the country, people are coming up to me. They are responding to Donald Trump’s broad-shouldered, plainspoken leadership that we can make America great again, we can be strong on the world stage, we can have an economy that works for every American.”

• August 31, 2016: “I think it shows the kind of broad-shouldered leader he is. He’s willing to sit down with whom he may have strong differences of opinion to look for things we can work on together and begin the process of discussions.”

• September 23, 2016: “Well, I said today at— at the church gathering where we were before, this is a broad-shouldered leader, but he’s also a man that’s impatient with failure.”

• Sept 26, 2016: “Look, Donald Trump’s got broad shoulders. He’s able to make his case and make a point.”

• October 4, 2016: “We have got to lean into this with strong, broad-shouldered, American leadership.”

• December 4, 2016: “...with broad shoulders, who’s going to advance America’s interest. But he’s also going to be engaging the world on behalf of America.”

• December 4, 2016: “And I think the American people want— are encouraged, rather, George, to see that President-elect Trump is— is taking calls from the world, speaking to the world. They know he’s going to be out there advancing America’s interests first with that broad-shouldered leadership that’s characterized his entire life.”

Wow. That's quite a collection of quotes there, Pence. Are you sure you two wouldn't like to get a room?

Just look at the way Pence gazes longingly at Trumpy's broad, powerful shoulder blades. Trumpy's firm, hardy shoulder-spacing is causing him to display what approximates a smile on his robotic countenance!

I only hope that someday I can find a woman who looks at me the way Mike Pence gazes longingly at Donald Trump's shoulders!

Rose Dewitt Bukater: Supervillain!

With the re-release of James Cameron's Titanic this week (in gloriously unnecessary 3D yet), it's high time to take a long hard look at one of the greatest cinematic villains in film history. No, not Darth Vader or Hannibal Lector. I mean none other than one Rose Dewitt Bukater.

While most starry-eyed fans of Titanic no doubt see Rose as a spunky and romantic heroine, she is in reality a cold, calculating and ruthless harridan.

Don't believe me? Let's let Miss Bukater's actions speak for themselves.

• She dooms her mother Ruth to a life of poverty.

During the film we learn that Rose's late father had racked up huge amounts of debt before his untimely death and left the family penniless. Rose's impending marriage to the wealthy Cal Hockley would have saved them financially. The callous Rose couldn't be bothered to spare a moment's concern for her mother's welfare though, and spurned Cal. Rose's selfish action likely condemned her mother to toil in a sweatshop for the rest of her lonely days.

• She cheats on her fiance. 

Cal Hockley was an abusive an manipulative jerk, which I will not deny. That doesn't make it OK to cheat on him though. Rose clearly believes otherwise, as the shameless strumpet sleeps with Jack Dawson (a veritable stranger) while still engaged to Cal— in an era when such an action could get a woman stoned to death.

Even a cad like Cal deserves better treatment than that. Would it have killed her to break off their engagement before hopping in the sack (or in this case, the car) with Jack?

• She shuns her upbringing by shamelessly posing nude.
Rose grew up in a privileged environment of manners and gentility. The spiteful and unscrupulous viper flushes all that away as she willingly disrobes and poses nude for a man she's known for less than a day. It's quite obvious that the rules of polite society mean nothing to the scandalous little hussy.

• She causes Cal Hockley to commit suicide. 

After the events on the Titanic, Cal killed himself when his business failed during the Great Depression.

After the ship sank, Rose was still in possession of the Heart of the Ocean necklace, a priceless bauble that Cal bought for her as a wedding present at great expense. She could have sent it back to Cal (anonymously) since she didn't want the thing in the first place. Instead the evil Rose chose to secret the necklace away and let everyone believe it went down with the ship. Had she given it back to Cal, he no doubt could have sold the necklace and made enough money to save his failing business, thus preventing him from spiraling into debt and despair and taking his own life.

• She causes the death of an innocent woman.  

As the Titanic begins to sink, Cal and Jack both insist that Rose board a lifeboat with her mother. As it's lowered into the water, the cruel and selfish Rose leaps back aboard the doomed ship, because she can't bear to be without her precious Jack. This leaves a vacant seat in her lifeboat, one that could have been filled by any of the hundreds of other women still on board, or even a couple of children. By thinking only of her own happiness, Rose heartlessly sentenced an innocent to a watery grave.

• She kills her boyfriend Jack Dawson. 

After the ship sinks, Jack and the murderous Rose see a raft-like piece of wood floating in the icy waters. Unfortunately the wood can only support the weight of one person. Guess who that person is? The merciless Rose, of course. Poor Jack is forced to cling to the side of the makeshift raft until he dies of hypothermia.

If Rose had stayed in the lifeboat where she belonged, Jack would have been the one able to climb onto the piece of wreckage and would have lived. Once again the bloodthirsty and diabolical Rose Dewitt Bukater kills another innocent.

• She lets her mother think she died. 

Once safely onboard the rescue ship Carpathia, the unfeeling Rose hides from both her mother Ruth and Cal, even going so far as to change her name to Rose Dawson. Rose DeWitt Bukater is officially listed as having drowned in the tragedy. She then heartlessly lets her mother live out the rest of her life thinking her only child is dead.

Now I ask you, what kind of a cruel, sadistic harpy would put her own mother through such an ordeal?

• She destroys Brock Lovett's life work. 
Brock invested three years of his life and hundreds of thousands (maybe even millions) of dollars searching the Titanic wreckage for the Heart Of The Ocean necklace.

The malevolent Rose has been jealously guarding the necklace for decades. When she meets Brock and discovers his endeavor, instead of simply handing the priceless bauble over to him, the detestable harpy outright lies and tells him she has no knowledge of its whereabouts and continues to keep its existence a secret. Then the miserable Jezebel actually drops it into the depths of the ocean rather than give it to Brock. This no doubt leaves him in debt to the many sponsors who bankrolled his expedition and are expecting a return on their investments. 

As a final stab at a man who's done nothing to her, the vengeful Rose then ups and dies on Brock's ship, an action which will undoubtably spark an investigation from the authorities. Rose's family will blame him for overexerting her and causing her death and will inevitably sue him. They may even press charges against him. Brock will be financially ruined and may even serve a prison sentence.

When you add up all the evidence, there has never been a more heinous creature in the history of film than Rose Dewitt Bukator. She's more than earned her rightful place alongside Frank Booth and Freddy Krueger in the pantheon of movie villains.

Evil Thoughts

Looks like someone's thinking some dark thoughts.

This is a vector drawing, done in InDesign. OK, so I cheated a little and added a bitmapped grunge texture to the background.

 

Here's the very rough original sketch.

Lest you think that all my illustrations just fall out of the mouse fully formed, here's a look at the InDesign pasteboard for this drawing. The final drawing is there on the actual page, but note all the rejects and false starts strewn around it. The one in the upper left corner is the very first version. I just couldn't get it to work, no matter what I did.

Also note that in all the versions on the left hand side, the monster has some kind of weird hollow tube on top of his head. My original idea was to have the evil cloud emanating from this tube. Why? I have no clue. It didn't make much sense even to me. In the end I came to my senses and replaced the tube with a horn and just had the cloud erupting from the general area of his brain.

That's today's tip: Don't be afraid to scrap something and start all over. If a drawing ain't working, maybe there's a reason.