Sunday, December 11, 2016

Shouldering His Way Through

This is evil, evil bastard Mike Pence. As you all know, this soulless, steely-eyed asshole is about to become our new Vice President. 

Pence been the Governor of Indiana since 2013, where he cut a wide path of death and destruction through the entire state. Those of you outside Indiana have no idea what this demon in vaguely human form is capable of, but you're all about to find out. The idea of this malevolant homonculus being just a heartbeat away from the Presidency should chill you to your very core.

But let's try and forget all that for a few seconds, and try and figure out what makes Mike Pence tick. What impresses him in a fellow politician? Is it their personal values? Their professionalism? Is he impressed by the number of abortion clinics they've personally shut down? The number of tax breaks they've given to giant corporations?

Nope! According to Pence himself, the thing that impresses him most about a fellow politician is their shoulders.

Yep, you read right. Pence couldn't give two hoots about a politician's abilities or achievements. As long as their collarbones are sturdy and a sufficient distance apart, they're A-OK in his book. In fact, Pence once stated that "Ronald Reagan's broad-shouldered leadership inspired my life."

Pence seems particularly impressed with President-elect Donald Trump's hardy, masculine shoulder width. In fact evidence suggests he can't go five minutes without mentioning his running-mate's manly, strapping physique. I'm starting to think the two of them need to get a room.

Columnist Jonathan Chait compiled this list of actual quotes from Mike Pence. I cannot emphasize this enough— these are real and not made up:

 July 15, 2016: “Donald Trump is going to provide the kind of broad-shouldered American leadership on the world stage that I think will make the world a more stable place.”

 July 17, 2016: “One of the reasons why I said yes in a heartbeat to run with this man, is because he embodies American strength, and I know that he will provide that kind of broad-shouldered American strength on the global stage as well.”

 July 29, 2016: “To be around Donald Trump is to be around a man with broad shoulders.

 August 14, 2016: “He’s a man with broad shoulders, he’s got a clear vision, he’s strong.”

 August 14, 2016: “I think you’re going to be ready, Chris, for a vision, but also for real specifics about how new leadership in the White House, a change of direction in the White House and the kind of broad-shouldered leadership that Donald Trump will bring is going to make our country more safe.”

 August 28, 2016: “As I am traveling all over the country, people are coming up to me. They are responding to Donald Trump’s broad-shouldered, plainspoken leadership that we can make America great again, we can be strong on the world stage, we can have an economy that works for every American.”

 August 31, 2016:
“I think it shows the kind of broad-shouldered leader he is. He’s willing to sit down with whom he may have strong differences of opinion to look for things we can work on together and begin the process of discussions.”

 September 23, 2016:
“Well, I said today at— at the church gathering where we were before, this is a broad-shouldered leader, but he’s also a man that’s impatient with failure.”

 Sept 26, 2016: “Look, Donald Trump’s got broad shoulders. He’s able to make his case and make a point.”

 October 4, 2016: “We have got to lean into this with strong, broad-shouldered, American leadership.”

 December 4, 2016: “...with broad shoulders, who’s going to advance America’s interest. But he’s also going to be engaging the world on behalf of America.”

 December 4, 2016:
“And I think the American people want— are encouraged, rather, George, to see that President-elect Trump is— is taking calls from the world, speaking to the world. They know he’s going to be out there advancing America’s interests first with that broad-shouldered leadership that’s characterized his entire life.”

Wow. That's quite a collection of quotes there, Pence. Are you sure you two wouldn't like to get a room?

Just look at the way Pence gazes longingly at Trumpy's broad, powerful shoulder blades. Trumpy's firm, hardy shoulder-spacing is causing him to display what approximates a smile on his robotic countenance!

I only hope that someday I can find a woman who looks at me the way Mike Pence gazes longingly at Donald Trump's shoulders!

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