SPACE FORRRRRRCE!!!

Recently Asshole Race Bannon, er, I mean Vice President Greg Pence held a press conference, in which he reinforced the trump administration's vow to create a sixth branch of the U.S. military, dubbed the Space Force. 

According to Pence, this brand new division will be responsible for "the national security of space activities," whatever that means.

Never mind that the U.S. Air Force already handles this sort of thing. The Air Force Space Command is headquartered in Colorado, and oversees the military's use of satellites, rocket launches and cyberwarfare operations. It also tracks space junk in orbit around the planet, as well as incoming foreign weapons.

Apparently Pence either doesn't know about that or doesn't care, and wants to establish a separate department that does the same thing as one we already have. Because why spend $10 billion when you can milk the taxpayers for $100 billion or more? Instead of Space Force, they should call it Boondoggle Platoon.

Eh, I wouldn't worry too much about it, because it's never gonna happen. For one thing, Pence stated the Space Force would be up and running by 2020. For those of you not good at math, that's less than two years. Just a little over twelve months to create a brand new military branch, based in outer space, that will protect us from enemy space-based weapons, and will require technology that's likely not even invented yet. 

In addition, the president can demand this ill-advised idea all he wants, but he can't create the Space Force without the approval of Congress, which seems unlikely.

But those are all just minor details to be worked out. Pence's press conference was about more monumentally vital matters— namely picking a design for the Space Force's logo! Because that's what's really important right? Forget figuring out how to fund and build dozens of cutting edge spaceships and laser weapons, what we really need is a snappy logo!

Here are the six designs proposed by Pence. Wow. That's quite a collection there, Mike! Let's take a closer look, and mock them in true assholish internet fashion, shall we?

First up is this striking little red number. The colors are nice, even though they don't scream "outer space" to me, and the composition is well done. I'm not a fan of the font though, as it's a little too "1970s Sci-Fi Movie" to ever be taken seriously as a branch of the military.

Still and all, this one's definitely the best of the lot. Turns out there's a very good reason for that, too...

IT'S JUST A SLIGHTLY REWORKED NASA LOGO!

Whoever designed this logo just took the current NASA emblem, swapped out the text, changed the colors and called it a day! It's even got the same sweeping arrowhead wingding in the center! Sadly, the Space Force artist apparently didn't understand how Adobe Illustrator works, and couldn't quite figure out how to get the bottom leg of the arrow to pass in front of the text like it does on the real NASA logo. So he didn't even try.

Verdict: PLAGIARISTIC FAIL!

Yeesh. I don't know where to start with this one. Once again, they've chosen a wacky, happy-go-lucky font that's completely inappropriate for the armed services. And why does the logo look... incomplete? The inside of the oval is filled with stars, but there're only four outside it— like they were added as an afterthought. Did the designer run out of time? Or is drawing stars too much like work and he got bored and just quit?

My biggest problem with the design is the placement of the rocket. See how the tip of it touches the light blue border? That's called a tangent in the design biz. A tangent is when two objects line up or bump against one another, creating a point of tension in a design. 

A tangent inadvertently draws the viewer's eye right to it, and away from what should be the center of attention. It's like they drew a big red arrow pointing at the tip of the rocket. Here's a really good article explaining tangents in further detail and why they're so bad.

I'm also not a fan of the way the rocket's flame is "hollow" and overlaps the border either. 

There are several ways to fix this design. You could shrink the rocket and so the tip and the flame are inside the blue oval. Or make the rocket even bigger, so the tip and flame extend well past the oval. Maybe put a thick white outline around the rocket, to separate it from the background. Or scrap this idea and start all over.

Verdict: TANGENTIAL FAIL!

Once again, someone simply aped the current NASA logo. Same basic shape, same colors and same starry background.

Sadly they picked the ugliest font possible, and then crammed it right up to the edges of the circle, leaving the words with no room to breathe. But hey, at least this guy was able to figure out how to get the red lines to go both behind AND in front of the letters! Impressive!

My favorite aspect of this design are the red lines. I assume they're supposed to be the spaceship's contrail? Unfortunately the way they're laid out makes it look like the rocket's hopelessly lost and out of control, flitting wildly through the void of outer space. And what's with the awkward split in the line under the letter R? Did part of the rocket break off and go flying away on its own trajectory?

Verdict: MAJOR TOM FAIL!

This particular emblem's actually not bad— if you're designing a 1980s videogame console in an arcade.

Once again they've used the exact same font as the NASA ripoff, which does NOT suggest a military organization to me. Seriously, can you imagine a squad of highly trained, tough-as-nails space marines wearing this emblem on the sleeves of their uniforms? They'd be laughed back to Earth by an alien attack force!

Verdict: 8-BIT FAIL!

Seriously? This is legitimately being considered as a logo for a branch of the United States Military? All I see is a giant red & blue nose under the ship.

Verdict: NASAL FAIL!

I'm genuinely puzzled by this logo and what exactly it means. I was under the impression the Space Force was meant to repel threats from above. This design implies the goal's to get to Mars. So which is it, Pence?

I suppose it could be both, but sending a military organization to another planet makes me think we're going there to conquer, not study it.

Also, whoever designed this logo apparently believes Mars is covered in Magic Rocks.

It doesn't matter whether this logo's good or bad, because the odds of us traveling to Mars and setting up a permanent base are the same as Greg Pence dressing up as Dr. Frank N. Furter at a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Verdict: IRRELEVANT FAIL!

Now I know what you're probably thinking here— you're saying, "Bob, if you're so smart and talented, why don't YOU submit a logo of your own instead of making fun of other people's hard work.

Alright, I will.

I present to you MY design for Mike Pence's Official Space Force Logo. One that truly captures the essence of the whole ill-advised idea.

Shouldering His Way Through

This is evil, evil bastard Mike Pence. As you all know, this soulless, steely-eyed asshole is about to become our new Vice President. 

Pence been the Governor of Indiana since 2013, where he cut a wide path of death and destruction through the entire state. Those of you outside Indiana have no idea what this demon in vaguely human form is capable of, but you're all about to find out. The idea of this malevolant homonculus being just a heartbeat away from the Presidency should chill you to your very core.

But let's try and forget all that for a few seconds, and try and figure out what makes Mike Pence tick. What impresses him in a fellow politician? Is it their personal values? Their professionalism? Is he impressed by the number of abortion clinics they've personally shut down? The number of tax breaks they've given to giant corporations?

Nope! According to Pence himself, the thing that impresses him most about a fellow politician is their shoulders.

Yep, you read right. Pence couldn't give two hoots about a politician's abilities or achievements. As long as their collarbones are sturdy and a sufficient distance apart, they're A-OK in his book. In fact, Pence once stated that "Ronald Reagan's broad-shouldered leadership inspired my life."

Pence seems particularly impressed with President-elect Donald Trump's hardy, masculine shoulder width. In fact evidence suggests he can't go five minutes without mentioning his running-mate's manly, strapping physique. I'm starting to think the two of them need to get a room.

Columnist Jonathan Chait compiled this list of actual quotes from Mike Pence. I cannot emphasize this enough— these are real and not made up:

• July 15, 2016: “Donald Trump is going to provide the kind of broad-shouldered American leadership on the world stage that I think will make the world a more stable place.”

• July 17, 2016: “One of the reasons why I said yes in a heartbeat to run with this man, is because he embodies American strength, and I know that he will provide that kind of broad-shouldered American strength on the global stage as well.”

• July 29, 2016: “To be around Donald Trump is to be around a man with broad shoulders.”

• August 14, 2016: “He’s a man with broad shoulders, he’s got a clear vision, he’s strong.”

• August 14, 2016: “I think you’re going to be ready, Chris, for a vision, but also for real specifics about how new leadership in the White House, a change of direction in the White House and the kind of broad-shouldered leadership that Donald Trump will bring is going to make our country more safe.”

• August 28, 2016: “As I am traveling all over the country, people are coming up to me. They are responding to Donald Trump’s broad-shouldered, plainspoken leadership that we can make America great again, we can be strong on the world stage, we can have an economy that works for every American.”

• August 31, 2016: “I think it shows the kind of broad-shouldered leader he is. He’s willing to sit down with whom he may have strong differences of opinion to look for things we can work on together and begin the process of discussions.”

• September 23, 2016: “Well, I said today at— at the church gathering where we were before, this is a broad-shouldered leader, but he’s also a man that’s impatient with failure.”

• Sept 26, 2016: “Look, Donald Trump’s got broad shoulders. He’s able to make his case and make a point.”

• October 4, 2016: “We have got to lean into this with strong, broad-shouldered, American leadership.”

• December 4, 2016: “...with broad shoulders, who’s going to advance America’s interest. But he’s also going to be engaging the world on behalf of America.”

• December 4, 2016: “And I think the American people want— are encouraged, rather, George, to see that President-elect Trump is— is taking calls from the world, speaking to the world. They know he’s going to be out there advancing America’s interests first with that broad-shouldered leadership that’s characterized his entire life.”

Wow. That's quite a collection of quotes there, Pence. Are you sure you two wouldn't like to get a room?

Just look at the way Pence gazes longingly at Trumpy's broad, powerful shoulder blades. Trumpy's firm, hardy shoulder-spacing is causing him to display what approximates a smile on his robotic countenance!

I only hope that someday I can find a woman who looks at me the way Mike Pence gazes longingly at Donald Trump's shoulders!

Thanks A Lot, Pence!

Thanks to this evil, soulless, miserable, dead-eyed bastard...

I'll never be able to enjoy watching Jonny Quest again.

Thanks a lot, Pence.

Things That Happened On Earth This Week (11/17/16)

Just a few things that happened here on Planet Earth this week…

• This week the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game was inducted into the Toy Hall Of Fame.

The game was first released in January 1974 by creator Gary Gygax's TSR company. It quickly became a nationwide sensation, as the rule book sold out everywhere. By the early 1980s over four million people were playing the game.

My, oh my, how times have changed. Believe it or not, back in the 1980s, evangelicals and Brittle Soccer Moms nationwide tried their best to get the game banned, claiming it was "Satanic." 

See, in 1979 a Michigan University student named James Dallas Egbert III sadly committed suicide. Investigators quickly blamed the game on Egbert's untimely demise.

Never mind that he was under an unhealthy amount of stress due to his academic load and the fact that he was a homosexual in the intolerant environment of the 1980s. Or that he was saddled with the name was James Dallas Egbert II. No, according to the authorities it was a goddamned game that caused him to kill himself.

Of course the calls to ban the game turned out to be an early example of the Streisand Effect, all this did was make the game even more appealing to teens.

So congratulations to D&D. Take that, Jack Chick!

• This week professional asshole and Vice President Elect Mike Pence held a press conference to let the public know that he doesn't "accept" the Theory Of Evolution. That's OK Mike, I'm sure the scientific community doesn't accept you either.

Pence said that Charles Darwin "offered a theory of the origin of species that we've come to know as evolution. Charles Darwin never thought of evolution as anything but a theory."

Jesus Jetskiing Christ, how is this still a thing in the freaking 21st Century? They don't have to put up with this kind of crap in Germany and other progressive countries, so why is this still an issue in America. Our country's supposedly the leader of the free world, for cripe's sake. Why are all our politicians stuck in the 1700s?

There's no doubt in my mind that Mike Pence also believes the sun revolves around the Earth, people get sick because their bodily humors are out of balance, and maggots don't hatch from fly eggs, but magically appear on rotten meat due to Spontaneous Generation.

Why does it matter what Mike Pence does and doesn't accept anyway? He's not a goddamned scientist, so why's he sticking his nose into their realm? You don't see scientists telling him how to pass laws forcing women to have funerals for their miscarried babies.

In case you hadn't figured it out by now, Mike Pence is an evil, evil bastard who's brand of old fashioned "Family Values" would make even the Puritans say, "Woah, lighten up, man!" Even his name hearkens back to a less enlightened time— he just had to be a Pence instead of a Penny.

Methinks Mr. Pence needs to consult a dictionary and look up the word "theory." A scientific theory is "a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world, based on a body of facts that have been repeatedly confirmed through observation and experimentation."

A scientific theory is not a guess. It is, for all intents and purposes, a fact.

The best thing the scientific community could ever do for itself is to stop using the word "theory." The vast majority of mouth-breathing Americans, like Pence, don't understand what the word means in the scientific context, as they lean toward the "vague notion" definition. Hey Science, stop calling it "The Theory Of Evolution" and just call it "Evolution." That may not be 100% accurate, but you'll save yourselves a LOT of grief in the long run.

• This week famous theoretical physicist Stephan Hawking said that the Human Race has less than a thousand years left, due to environmental change, nuclear bombs, and… robots.

Oh, we have far, far less time than that, Stephen. By my calculations we've got less than four years left.

• This week Hong Kong toy manufacturer Hot Toys announced they're releasing a new 1/6 scale (12" tall) Star Wars Stormtrooper figure with a special "porcelain pattern."

Believe it or not, this isn't a late April Fool's joke, but an actual product that's already available for pre-order.

I'm puzzled as to just who the audience is for this figure. Apparently Hot Toys believes it'll be snapped up by elderly grandmas across the nation, who'll no doubt want to display the figures in their China cabinets along with all their "company" dishes. Cause Grannies just lovvvvve Star Wars, dontcha know.

The baffling Porcelain Pattern Stormtrooper is priced at a whopping $234.99.

• This week Morgan Spurlock— director of the 2004 documentary Supersize Me— opened his own fast food restaurant. 

This is exceptionally puzzling, since Spurlock's film heavily criticized the fast food industry, blaming it for the nation's obesity epidemic.

Spurlock's restaurant is called Holy Chicken, and will serve antibiotic-free and hormone-free chicken sandwiches, which he describes as "healthy-ish."

I move that we all immediately agree to totally disregard anything Morgan Spurlock says from this point on, as he just completely destroyed any credibility or relevance he may have once had.

• This week Leonard Rinaldi. of Torrington, Connecticut. stole his father's valuable coin collection and fed it into a supermarket Coinstar machine in order to fund his crack addiction.

To demonstrate the absolute genius of the younger Rinaldi, the coins were worth an estimated $8,000, but the machine only gave him their face value, which was around $60.

Brilliant! 

Stay in drugs, kids! Don't do school!

• This week Nintendo released their new Nintendo Classic Mini Entertainment System. As you can see in the photo, it's a tiny recreation of a NES console that comes hard-wired with thirty classic Nintendo games.

Naturally the game sold out in seconds, causing a huge panic among would-be buyers.

The Nintendo Classic retails for $59.99. Due to the shortage, it's currently going as high as $2,000 on eBay. Did you get that? $2000 freakin' dollars for a $60 video game system. And these are not new games, folks. These are the exact same games that have been freely available since 1983.

You could no doubt scour eBay, flea markets or yard sales and buy an ORIGINAL NES System, plus all thirty game cartridges, for under a hundred bucks. Or you could, you know, wait a goddamned month until Target gets a new shipment of the mini consoles in and buy it for $60 then. But no, paying a 3000% markup is good too.

Never underestimate the stupidity of masses who want something NOW.

• And finally some good news— this week Mondo released a vinyl album of the original 1984 Gremlins soundtrack.

What's so special about that, you ask? The album cover features a UV sensitive ink, and reveals hidden messages when exposed to light! In addition, the album sleeves are water sensitive, so additional messages appear when they're wiped with a damp cloth. Cool!

Don't feed your album after midnight! Bright light, bright light!

Be He Ever So Humble

Sorry for yet another Trump/Pence (Trumpence?) post so soon. But merciful heaven, they just keep providing an embarrassment of ripe material.

Over the weekend, Trump and his human G.I. Joe action figure Mike Pence were interviewed by Leslie Stahl on CBS' 60 Minutes. The interview was pretty much the train wreck you'd expect, and was as fascinating as it was terrifying. 

Addressing Trump, Leslie Stahl said, "You're not known to be a humble man." Trump replied with, "I think I am actually humble. I think I'm much more humble than you would understand."

Let that statement sink in for a few minutes.

I'm pretty sure there was a Star Trek episode in which Spock said something like that to an android to make its head explode.

Logo Go Go

Last week, one more sign of apocalyptic biblical prophecy came true as presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump named Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his running mate.

If you'll recall, Pence is a horrible, horrible public official who last year signed a controversial anti-LGBT law, which cost the Hoosier state millions, if not billions of dollars in lost business and tourism. He also signed a terrifying anti-abortion bill, and even stated that science is wrong about the harmful effects of smoking (!). 

The Trump/Pence ticket is truly a match made in the deepest levels of Hell.

Last Friday, the Trump campaign unveiled a brand new logo celebrating the two besties and running mates.

The logo proved to be quite provocative, as if featured a large, proud, throbbing letter T penetrating a submissive and receptive letter P. The thrust of the logo was unmistakable, as it pounded its message home, over and over again, faster and faster until it exploded in a spray of patriotic ecstasy.

Immediately after the logo was posted, the internet sprang into action, doing what it does best— relentlessly mocking it.

Apparently the taunts and jeers were too much for the Donald. Words hurt, you know! Less than twenty four hours after the X-rated logo appeared, it was pulled and replaced by a plainer, more family-friendly one. 

Note that Pence is apparently still a bottom, er, I mean on the bottom, under his new best friend and running mate.

Why So Pence?

INDIANAPOLIS– This week Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed his controversial new Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law. The bill has caused a furor in the Hoosier state, as opponents fear it will give businesses the legal right to refuse service to the LGBT community.

Governor Pence has adamantly defended the bill, saying, "This piece of legislation is absolutely vital for residents of Indiana, as it protects their individual religious freedoms, a topic already covered quite thoroughly by the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution."

Opponents of the bill say it's vaguely worded and could be used to discriminate against homosexuals and other minorities. When questioned about the intent of the legislation, Pence stated, "These rampant and illogical fears are completely unfounded. This bill that's expressly designed to allow businesses to discriminate against homosexuals will of course never be used in the manner in which it was intended. Leave it to the liberal media to imply that such a bill could ever possibly be used for its exact purpose."

Pence went on to add, "Hoosier citizens are behind this bill 100%, which is why I signed it in a secret ceremony, inside a bunker located hundreds of feet beneath the Governor's mansion, surrounded by a human shield of nuns, monks, priests, clerics, friars, padres, vicars, rabbis, shamans and wizards."

"Seriously," said Pence, "Just look at all of them I managed to pack in here! How could anyone, even the staunchest and most ill-informed liberal, possibly come to the conclusion that the Religious Freedom Restoration Act is a bad thing when I had this many religious nuts standing around me? A priest or a nun wouldn't just stand idly by, smiling beatifically while I signed something bad now, would they?"

"I tried to get the Pope to appear too," added Pence, "But his office wouldn't return my calls. And I think Mother Teresa died a couple years ago."

When questioned, many of the religious leaders who attended the photo-op admitted they had no idea why they were there. Rabbi Schlomo Mendelbaum was horrified when informed of true purpose of the ceremony. "I was told there'd be a spread here," said Mendelbaum. "I'm not seeing any food. Wha? I'm here for what? A bill that does what? Jesus Christ! Let me out of here! Where's the door?"

Other members of the so-called "religious" leaders in attendance were actually cosplayers, brought in from a nearby comic book convention. One was dressed as Gandalf the White, a main character from the popular Lord Of The Rings novels, along with several Jedis, the fictional order from the Star Wars films, and several Tenth Level Clerics from the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game.

Many major corporations in the Hoosier state have expressed their outrage over the bill, threatening to relocate if the legislation isn't immediately repealed. Salesforce, a multi-billion dollar firm, has canceled plans for a major expansion in Indiana, while GenCon, a popular annual gaming convention, and the NCAA have also threatened to take their business elsewhere. These businesses and events represent billions of dollars, a loss the Hoosier state can ill afford.

Pence was nonplussed by the threats and boycotts. "Prolonged and devastating economic collapse is a small price to pay so that Indiana bakers have the right to refuse service to homosexuals," said Pence. "Which is not what the bill is designed to do, by the way! I'm just saying."

"If we don't act immediately, who knows how many small businesses will be forced to cater to those people?" added Pence, as he visibly shuddered in an exaggerated and cartoonish manner. "Today it's bakers, tomorrow it could be seamstresses, forced to make two gowns for the same wedding! Brrrr!"

Some pundits have speculated that Pence signed the controversial bill in order to gain favor among conservative Republicans, as preparation for a Presidential run. "I am absolutely and categorically not running for President," said Pence. "Honestly, I have no idea where you people get such ideas," he said, as he hurriedly shoved a form labeled "Application For President Of The United States Of America" into his desk drawer.