What Are Americans Outraged About This Week: Minions

These days Americans love nothing more than feeling outraged. In fact it's replaced baseball as the national pastime. Practically every day the news is filled with various so-called atrocities that are vexing the general public and causing them to overreact.

So what are Americans outraged about this week?

A Minion toy from a McDonald's Happy Meal has parents' collective panties all in a bunch. The talking toy is based on those goddamned yellow things from the Despicable Me movies, now starring in their very own film. One particular Minion, dressed ostensibly as a caveman, has Americans blushing with its alleged potty mouth.

When a button on the bottom of the toy is pressed, it utters several muffled, hard to understand phrases, including "I'll be damned," and "What the f*ck?"

Sharp-eared parent Paul Butts first brought the foul-mouthed Minion to the attention of the media. "Originally we didn't think anything of it, until my wife was moving it out of the car seat and heard something that didn't sound quite right," said Butts. "She staggered into the house, with the back of her hand pressed firmly against her forehead, her skin white as paper. When I asked her whatever was the matter, she began waving her arms in front of her, as if blind. She then passed out, gracefully draping herself across her gilded fainting couch."

"I saw she had a Minion toy clutched firmly in her hand," reported Butts. "When I took it from her, it uttered an epithet that nearly made me swoon as well."

We hear at Bob Canada's BlogWorld were of course skeptical. We managed to get a hold of one of the Caveman Minion toys to see for ourselves if there was anything to the cursing claims. Upon examination, we found the toy uttered nine different phrases:

“Thou art as loathsome as a toad.”

 “A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.”

“Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.”

“There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.”

“Thou art unfit for any place but hell.” 

“Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.” 

“You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!” 

“You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!”

“Thou art as fat as butter.”

Insulting, for sure, strangely erudite, definitely, but hardly worth all the outrage.

A spokesman for McDonald's denies the accusations, saying it's all a coincidence. "We’re aware of a very small number of customers who have been in touch regarding this toy, and we regret any confusion or offense to those who may have misinterpreted its sounds. The allegation that this toy is saying anything offensive or profane is not true. Our goal at McDonald’s is to serve up food and fun for our valued customers, whether they be a stuffed cloak-bag of guts, or a swollen parcel of dropsies. We’re glad to have the Minions on board."

Robble, Robble

Back in April, McDonald's CEO Steve Easterbook assured nervous shareholders that he had a turnaround plan designed to "sell more burgers to more people." The plan would be revealed in May. 

Welp, it's May and the turnaround plan has finally been revealed— after a thirteen year absence, McDonald's is bringing back a brand new revamped version of the Hamburglar! That oughta bring the customers back in!

Obviously this is just another of the once-great corporation's desperate attempts to keep their head above water. I suppose it's working— everyone's definitely talking about the new Hamburglar. Not necessarily in a good way, though. There's definitely no one saying, "That new Hamburglar character is delightful! Honey, round up the family and let's head to our nearest McDonald's for a round of delicious hamburger sandwiches!" Instead it's more like, "Dear god, look what they're doing now to try and shore up sales."

I wonder if McDonald's is using this new, sexy hunk of a character to court the 50 Shades Of Grey Soccer Mom crowd. This Hamburglar doesn't comically run around in circles mumbling his signature catchphrase, laws no. I can very well imagine this Hamburglar dimming the lights, laying a woman out on his round bed while dripping hot candle wax onto her bare skin as he leans in close and whispers, "robble robble," in a hot, breathy voice.

He also looks amazingly like he stepped off the set of the 2009 superhero film Watchmen. I could easily see him carrying a canvas bag full of money— complete with an actual dollar sign on it— as he desperately runs away from psychotic vigilante Rorschach.

And because our current excuse for a society is a politically-correct hellscape, this new Hipster Hamburglar has a backstory. You heard me, a backstory.

Says Joel Yashinsky, McDonald's' Vice President of U.S. Marketing: "We felt it was time to debut a new look for the Hamburglar after he’s been out of the public eye all these years. He’s had some time to grow up a bit and has been busy raising a family in the suburbs and his look has evolved over time."

Yes, the Hamburglar— the goddamned Hambuglar— is now a suburban dad with a wife and kids. I guess he must not have grown up too awfully much though, if his name is still, you know, Hamburglar.

Was that backstory really necessary? Doesn't that just make things worse? Before he was just a bumbling, ineffectual comic relief crook. He was harmless. We knew nothing about his background or home life, and we didn't need to. Hell, we didn't want to.

This backstory just makes him seem tragic. Now his life of crime doesn't just affect him, it's impacting an entire innocent family. When this new Hamburglar gets caught for stealing burgers, and he will, his poor wife's going to be left to raise their kids on her own while he's doing ten to twenty in stir. 

She'll end up working two or three jobs in a desperate attempt to keep the family afloat, but it won't be enough. She'll eventually start cooking and selling meth, using just a little herself to help get through the day. She'll end up a hollow, burned out husk and the kids will become wards of the state. They'll bounce from foster home to foster home before they too end up on the streets, where they'll also turn to drugs and prostitution to get their next fix.

And all because their father is the Hamburglar. Thanks a lot, McDonald's. Now who's hungry for burgers?

Not So Fast, Food

Last month McDonald's stunned the fast food world with the roll out of its Dance For Your Food, Rummie!, er I mean their  I'm Lovin' It campaign, in which customers could pay for their meal by performing an "act of kindness," such as hugging a fellow diner, singing a song or promising to vaccinate their children. As you might expect, the campaign was almost universally mocked, and was considered a failure.

Not to be outdone, this month overpriced coffee behemoth Starbucks got into the act with its Race Together promotion. Baristas were encouraged to write the new slogan on customers' cups and then engage them in an informative dialogue on race relations in America.

Because god knows, whenever I feel like participating in a spirited discussion about our country's racial problems, I immediately head for my local Starbucks. Nothing starts the day quite like a slice of awkward dialogue with a total stranger who's counting the hours until quitting time so they can rush to their second job.

Some of the questions the baristas were urged to ask: "When did you first become aware of your race," and "In the past year, I have been to the home of someone of a different race ___ times." Jesus wept.

Naturally, Starbucks' campaign has been ever more savagely mocked than the McDonald's one. In fact it's been discontinued after just one week. In an internal memo, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said, "While there has been criticism of the initiative— and I know this hasn't been easy for any of you— let me assure you that we didn't expect universal praise." 

Schultz went on to say that the initiative "is far from over," and that its abrupt and premature termination was not a reaction to the negative publicity surrounding it. Uh-huh. Everyone who believes that, stand on their head...

Surprisingly, other fast food corporations have been undeterred by the McDonald's and Starbucks failures, and have rolled out their own promotions. Wendy's jumped on this awkward publicity bandwagon with their chilling Report Your Neighbors' Activities To The Authorities For 10% Off A Small Order Of Fries campaign. Taco Bell also reportedly joined in with their extremely ill-advised Kill A Hobo Just To Watch Him Die & Get A Free Small Soft Drink initiative.

These blundering promos could actually end up working out well for ailing fast food franchise Burger King, who just launched their no-frills Can I Just Get A Goddamned Cup Of Coffee Please? campaign.

Not Lovin' It

Things are looking grim these days for McDonald's. According to recent sales reports, customers are deserting the fast food giant like rats from a sinking fast food franchise, as they spend their dollars at trendier eateries like Chipotle, or cheaper ones such as Burger King.

In an effort to shore up falling sales, McDonald's corporate leaders have decided the best thing to do is dump their current "I'm lovin' it" slogan, in favor of a new one. Because god knows people don't care about healthy food at a fair price, what they really want are snappier catch phrases!

The new slogan in question? Lovin' Is Greater Than Hatin.' And no, I'm not making that up, it's the honest to god actual new slogan.

(cue chirping crickets)

Well, that's definitely a slogan alright. It's not a good one by any stretch of the imagination, but you can't deny it's a slogan.

What's odd about it is that they've apparently chosen not to spell it out in traditional human language, but to write it instead as sort of an equation. Does the general public even know what the ">" symbol is? Will they be able to correctly decipher the slogan, or will they see it as "Lovin' Points To Hatin'?"

This slogan isn't going to affect sales one whit either way, but the deluded executive at McDonald's corporate offices seem to think it will. To help out the poor overpaid saps, I've come up with 8 New McDonald's Slogans Better Than Lovin' > Hatin.'

This one gets directly to the point and addresses the whole negative perception the general public seems to have toward the fast food behemoth.

Just callin' a spade a spade here.

This one may be a little too clingy, like that one desperate friend everyone has who always tags along on all your outings, whether he was invited or not.

A slogan for the Coulrophobe customer base.

This one's got a definite Fatal Attraction vibe.

Technically this one is true. McDonald's no longer cooks their fries in beef tallow, which, for those not in the know, is a hard fatty substance made from rendered animal fat, also used in making candles and soap. 

Again, spade.

This one's a bit near to my heart; it's what dear old dad used to say when mother would ask if the pot roast came out OK.

You're welcome, McDonald's. Feel free to use any or all of these slogans as you see fit. You can send remuneration to me care of my blog.

This Week In Off-Putting Fast Food Mascots

I was watching actual live TV this week (a rarity for me these days) and I saw this-- yet another off-putting and disturbing anthropomorphic fast food container-based mascot. This time it was Mr. Bag, the new face of regional burger chain Rally's.

I am 100% convinced that Rally's adopted Mr. Bag in response to this unholy abomination from McDonald's.

I honestly don't get it. When I was in art school, it was hammered into my brain on a daily basis that simply adding a face to a product and calling it a mascot was the lowest form of design. The visual equivalent of a pun, if you will. 

Designing such a mascot was a sure-fire way to flunk your design class. In fact, I actually witnessed a professor tell a student to find a new major after he came up with a mascot like Mr. Bag.

But times, and I suppose tastes, change. Apparently here in the 21st Century, products with faces are the new black.

Since I obviously can't beat 'em, I might as well join 'em. I present to you several new Anthropomorphic Product Mascots!

First up is Waxman, The Ear Wax Removal Bulb. This personable fellow cheerfully helps keep your ear canals free of unwanted ear wax, without compressing and impacting it like harsh cotton swabs can do.

Next up is Mr. Squirty, Your Friendly Neighborhood Enema Bag! Alternate name: Barry Um. Whatever you call him, he works hard to keep your colon sparkling clean. Why, you could practically eat off your insides, they'll be so spotless!

Last but not least we have Ms. Maxine Pad! Ladies, let Maxine be your best friend during your less delicate time of the month. Don't be afraid to tell her anything-- she'll soak up your troubles like a sponge!

If any corporations out there want to start using any of these new mascots immediately, you can forward your payment courtesy of the blog.

Thinking Inside The Box

If you've logged onto the information superhighway at all this week, you've no doubt noticed that every news outlet in the free world is buzzing about McDonald's new Happy Meal mascot.

Without fail, every single news story I've seen has described the new mascot, with its wild-eyed leer and uncanny valley dentures, as "terrifying." Eh, I'm not seeing it. Off-putting and poorly designed, yes. But terrifying? Maybe if you're one of those goats that faints when startled, but otherwise, nope.

The new spokes-box is imaginatively named "Happy," and I can't help but wonder how many millions of dollars some lucky marketing agency fleeced from McDonald's coffers for this concept. Whatever amount it was, it was too much. It looks like thirty seconds worth of work, tops.

When I was art school, the professors drilled into our heads on a daily basis that taking a product and humanizing it (by giving it a face and appendages) was not only lazy, but the lowest form of graphic design possible. I'd have flunked out of school if I'd come up with something like this. 

In fact one day a fellow student turned in a concept not unlike this one, and I witnessed the professor pretty much throw him out of class, telling him in no uncertain terms that he was washed up before he even started and to find a new major. And yet here's a multi-billion dollar corporation doing the exact same thing. 

It's patently obvious that McDonald's is trying to copy the look and feel of these goddamned things in a transparent attempt to appeal to kids. No amount of denials or money will ever convince me otherwise. 

I mean look at them. Just look! Same basic proportions, same horrifically bulging eyeballs, even the exact same mouth, complete with disturbingly realistic human teeth and lolling tongue. McDonald's might as well just get it over with and call their new mascot a minion.

That said, the new mascot's still nowhere near as creepy as Willard Scott's original Ronald McDonald.

I'm Not Lovin' It

After a dismal five percent drop in first quarter earnings, this week fast food behemoth McDonald's decided to take drastic steps to boost their sagging bottom line.

So how do they plan to increase sales? By lowering the prices of their menu items? Improving customer service? Using actual edible substances in their food?

Nope, none of that. They plan to shore up their anemic sales by giving spokes-clown Ronald McDonald a makeover.

Ronald, seen here posing in front of the backdrop of every comedy club in the country, has dumped his traditional yellow jumper for a smart new embroidered red blazer. 

The new ensemble was designed by Tony Award-winning theatrical designer Ann Hould-Ward, whoever that is. It's the first wardrobe update for Ronald since 2005.

I must say I'm all for Ronald's snappy new look. Because Lord knows the reason I haven't eaten at a McDonald's in ten years is because of the clothes their goddamned clown is wearing. Their food is sure to be healthier and more palatable now that he's wearing a jacket.

Have It No Way

This week McDonald's of China unveiled this repulsive monstrosity: The Sausage Double Beef Burger. It features two appalling sausages (that are going to squirt across the room like the remnants of greased pigs they are the minute you bite into the sandwich) and two off-putting, glistening burger patties, all topped with mustard and stuffed between some kind of pretzel bun. It sells for 17.50 yuan ($2.82 American dollars).

I can think of only one reason for the existence of this revolting monstrosity. Our government, spooked by recent reports of a Chinese military buildup, knows we could never hope to defeat them in a war. To that end, they've decided to preemptively attack them in the only way Americans know: with food.

Our government obviously turned to McDonald's for help with Operation: Lazy Dragon. The goal: unleash this dietary nightmare on the Chinese and turn them into a country of 1.3 billion morbidly obese diabetics who'll be too tired to ever attack us.

Well played, America. And McDonald's.

When I visited China a few years ago, 99.9% of the population was slender, fit and active. The fattest person I saw there was maybe 15 pounds overweight. 20 at the absolute most. I saw people who looked like they were at least a hundred years old walking around under their own power. I didn't see a single person riding a mobility scooter because they were massive enough to have their own gravitational field.

Everyone in China ate constantly, but they ate healthy delicious food and they walked pretty much everywhere they needed to go. It honestly disgusts me that we're injecting this nauseating and repellant shite into their unsuspecting society. I hope this product, and Chinese fast food in general, dies a swift and painful death. But I ain't holding my breath.