Damn, That's Ridiculous

Last week, conservative group One Million Moms (who sound like they're a LOT of fun at parties) denounced fast food giant Burger King for using "the d-word" in a commercial touting the new meatless Impossible Whopper.

So what the hell's the d-word, you ask? Is it dick? Douche? Dumbass? Something even worse you've never heard of?

Nope. It's "damn."

In the ad, a man bites into the plant-based patty, turns to his friend and says, "Damn, that's good!"

Jesus wept.

In a prepared statement, One Million Moms said, “The language in the commercial is offensive, and it’s sad that this once family restaurant has made yet another deliberate decision to produce a controversial advertisement instead of a wholesome one. Burger King’s Impossible Whopper ad is irresponsible and tasteless. It is extremely destructive and damaging (emphasis mine) to impressionable children viewing the commercial.”
They went on to say, "One Million Moms finds this highly inappropriate. When responding to the taste test, he didn't have to curse. Or if, in fact, it was a real and unscripted interview in which the man was not an actor, then Burger King could have simply chosen to edit the profanity out of the commercial."

So according to these pearl-clutchers, this so called "d-word" is on an equal footing with the f-word, n-word, s-word and c-word. No, you know what— this is so ridiculous I'm not even gonna censor them. One Million Moms thinks the word "damn" is just as bad as fuck, nigger, shit and cunt. Are you freakin' kidding me.

One Million Moms also recently pressured the Hallmark Channel to axe a commercial featuring a lesbian couple getting married. Hallmark later issued an apology, saying they made the wrong decision in pulling the ad.

I'd like to point out that despite the power they seemingly wield, One Million Moms has significantly fewer members than than their name suggests. It's been suggested there are only around 8,000 members of the organization. Some estimates put it far lower, at 4,500!

Personally I think One Million Moms should be less bothered by Burger King using the word damn, and more concerned with them making false advertising claims. There's no way in hell anyone in their right mind would ever bite into a Whopper and say, "Damn, that's good!"

This Week In Off-Putting Fast Food Sandwiches UPDATE!

This week in Off-Putting Fast Food Sandwiches, we travel to the Orient, where McDonald's China just launched a burger with an unappetizing and unappealing gray bun.

Called the Modern China Burger, the buns resemble two carved and sculpted slabs of granite. Mm-Mm-ouch! If you've ever driven past a quarry and thought, "Say, I wonder what it would taste like if I crammed a piece of ground beef between two rocks and tried to eat it," then this is the burger for you.

This comes on the heels of the KFC Rose Cheese Chicken Leg Roasted Burger, which features an equally unpalatable pale pink bun, which is also from China. Apparently sales at KFC China are in a slump, so they're convinced bizarrely-colored buns are the answer.

Earlier this year Burger King Japan got in on the act with their Aka Burger, which featured an eye-searing bun colored with tomato powder. Lord knows what they put in the cheese to color it red like that. Maybe it's best if we never know.

And last year they came out with their sinister-looking Kuro Burger, which reportedly got its dark and Stygian coloring from squid ink. Yum!

American Burger King's also got in on the act last month with its black-bunned Halloween Whopper. Don't worry, there's no squid ink here! The bun reportedly got its obsidian tint from A-1 Sauce.

Unfortunately the Halloween Whopper had the unexpected side effect of turning the consumer's poo an alarming shade of green. Let's see the boys down in Marketing try and spin that one! It's the meal that keeps on giving!

After witnessing this Bizarre Burger Arms Race, all I have to say is, "Can I just get a goddamned plain, normal-looking tan-colored bun?"

This Week In Off-Putting Fast Food Sandwiches

This week Burger King Japan upped the ante in the highly completive world of Ill-Advised And Off-Putting Fast Food Concoctions, with their new Aka Burger.

The Aka Burger ("aka" meaning "red" in Japanese) uses tomato powder to produce its eye-searing color. Lord knows what's in the cheese to make it look like that. It also comes slathered with a so-called "Angry Sauce," made of red pepper, miso paste and Chinese chili bean sauce.

If you think this "angry" burger looks alarming now, wait till you look in your toilet bowl the day after eating one! Eh? Amirite?

(At this point Bob squirms in his chair and gnashes his teeth, wrestling with an internal struggle as he ponders whether he should post an image of a bloody toilet bowl here, to hammer home his point. In the end he succumbs to decorum and good taste, and chooses not to do so, instead letting the audience use their imaginations to picture the scene)

If for some unfathomable reason you're interested (and are planning a trip to Japan), the Aka Burger is available in either Samurai Beef or Samurai Chicken, and goes on sale July 3. You know, I could see an American marketing agency coming up with a name as stupid as "Samurai Beef," but it seems odd that the Japanese would call it that themselves. Maybe they've just thrown in the towel and accepted the fact that everyone in the world believes all Japanese know karate and are either ninjas or samurai. 

The Aka Burger isn't the first ill-advised sandwich cooked up by Burger King Japan. Last year they released their equally off-putting Kuro Burger, complete with a sinister looking black bun and topped with a floor mat-like slice of inexplicably black cheese.

Maybe next year they'll really lose their minds and try a normal looking burger fit for human consumption.

Not So Fast, Food

Last month McDonald's stunned the fast food world with the roll out of its Dance For Your Food, Rummie!, er I mean their  I'm Lovin' It campaign, in which customers could pay for their meal by performing an "act of kindness," such as hugging a fellow diner, singing a song or promising to vaccinate their children. As you might expect, the campaign was almost universally mocked, and was considered a failure.

Not to be outdone, this month overpriced coffee behemoth Starbucks got into the act with its Race Together promotion. Baristas were encouraged to write the new slogan on customers' cups and then engage them in an informative dialogue on race relations in America.

Because god knows, whenever I feel like participating in a spirited discussion about our country's racial problems, I immediately head for my local Starbucks. Nothing starts the day quite like a slice of awkward dialogue with a total stranger who's counting the hours until quitting time so they can rush to their second job.

Some of the questions the baristas were urged to ask: "When did you first become aware of your race," and "In the past year, I have been to the home of someone of a different race ___ times." Jesus wept.

Naturally, Starbucks' campaign has been ever more savagely mocked than the McDonald's one. In fact it's been discontinued after just one week. In an internal memo, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said, "While there has been criticism of the initiative— and I know this hasn't been easy for any of you— let me assure you that we didn't expect universal praise." 

Schultz went on to say that the initiative "is far from over," and that its abrupt and premature termination was not a reaction to the negative publicity surrounding it. Uh-huh. Everyone who believes that, stand on their head...

Surprisingly, other fast food corporations have been undeterred by the McDonald's and Starbucks failures, and have rolled out their own promotions. Wendy's jumped on this awkward publicity bandwagon with their chilling Report Your Neighbors' Activities To The Authorities For 10% Off A Small Order Of Fries campaign. Taco Bell also reportedly joined in with their extremely ill-advised Kill A Hobo Just To Watch Him Die & Get A Free Small Soft Drink initiative.

These blundering promos could actually end up working out well for ailing fast food franchise Burger King, who just launched their no-frills Can I Just Get A Goddamned Cup Of Coffee Please? campaign.

THIS Is Why Al-Qaeda Hates America: Burger King Hands-Free Whopper

You know how when you watch the news and see a story about al-Qaeda and they're always out in the streets chanting, "Death to America?" Did you ever wonder, "Gosh, what's their problem? Why do they hate us so much?"

It's because of things like this.

Introducing the Burger King Hands-Free Whopper Holder. For those times when you're starving for a juicy flame-broiled burger but just don't have the strength to raise your hands and exert the minute pressure it takes to hold onto a burger.

As near as I can tell the Hands Free Whopper Holder is a real thing, but is only available in Puerto Rico right now as a fun little bonus for the top members of their Loyalty Card Program. But you just know it'll be hitting the States soon, shortly after virtually immobile Burger King customers here see it and start mooing and bleating for one of their own.

Is it too late to sign up for that Mars mission?

This Is Why Your MuuMuu Doesn't Fit: Burger King's Bacon Sundae

Just in time for swimsuit season, Burger King proudly announces their brand new Bacon Sundae!

You heard me, I said bacon sundae. It's vanilla ice cream in a cup, drizzled with chocolate syrup and impregnated with real bacon bits. And for good measure, it's got a crisp slice of bacon protruding jauntily from one side.

All I have to say it's about time! We landed on the moon in 1969! Why are we just now able to buy ice cream and bacon in the same cup? This is just the thing our country needs to perk us up in these times of economic uncertainty and woe. Sure, by some estimates a whopping 68% of Americans are considered overweight, but c'mon, one little cup of baconated ice cream isn't going to kill you.

The Bacon Sundae clocks in at a modest 510 calories, which is only a fourth of the recommended daily caloric intake for adult humans. No worries at all as long as you remember to skip breakfast and lunch and munch on a bowl of watercress for dinner.

Of course the Burger King Bacon Sundae isn't the fast food industry's first foray into the world of dairy and pork crossover desserts. Back in February rival chain Jack In The Box unveiled its Bacon Shake.

Unlike the Bacon Sundae though, the Bacon Shake doesn't actually contain any bacon. Instead it's made with vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, a maraschino cherry and a special "bacon-flavored syrup." 

Despite the fact that there's no bacon to be found within its frothy depths, it weighs in at 773 calories for the 16 ounce size, and only 1,081 calories for the 24 ouncer. Again, that might sound excessive at first glance, but as long as you eschew any other food intake for the rest of the week, you should be just fine.

So hoist yourself up onto your Rascal™ scooter, make sure its got a full battery charge and zip on down to your local fast food establishment and try a fine dairy and pork dessert beverage today!