Things That Happened On Earth This Week: 1/18/17

DATELINE: VANCOUVER, B.C.— 

This week Mengfa International, which is apparently some sort of business concern in Canada, sued the Vancouver Building Council for refusing to let them build a Moby Dick's seafood restaurant. When Mengfa asked why their permit was denied, the Council claimed that the name "Moby Dick" is offensive.

Jesus wept. 

The Council also went on to say that opening a restaurant called Moby Dick would "hurt the value of neighboring properties, and that the restaurant would bring increased litter and violate city laws on odor."

So not only are there no readers on the Vancouver Building Council, but the members are all bath*t insane as well.

The restaurant of course is named after the 1851 novel by Herman Melville, which tells the tale of Captain Ahab, a seaman who's obsessed with finding and killing the great white whale which cost him his leg. The book ends with– SPOILER ALERT FOR A 166 YEAR OLD NOVEL– the narrator Ishmael floating on a coffin in the middle of the ocean after Moby Dick destroys the whaling ship and kills everyone aboard.

In light of the Council's ruling, Mengfa has reportedly decided to open a different restaurant called "C*nt Burger."

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DATELINE: VENEZUELA— 

This week a woman was caught trying to sneak her boyfriend out of the Puente Ayala Prison in Vebezuela— in a suitcase!

Antonieta Robles Souda visited her boyfriend José Antonio Anzoátegui, who was serving a nine year sentence for car theft. She brought a large pink suitcase with her, which amazingly didn't arouse suspicion among the prison staff. Apparently overnight stays by family members are SOP in this particular prison (!), so no one thought anything about it.

It wasn't until the tiny woman was seen struggling with the suitcase the next morning that guards began to think something might be amiss. They ordered her to open the suitcase and discovered her boyfriend stuffed inside. Impressive! 

If nothing else, I gotta give them props for sheer chutzpah and ingenuity. 

Sadly, there's no way in hell this trick could ever be tried in 'Murica. Unless you had a six foot square suitcase, maybe.

This isn't the first time José and Antonieta have had a brush with the law. Several years ago Antonieta and José tried the old "sit on one person's shoulders while wearing a hat and a long trench coat" trick to enter a local cineplex with just one paid ticket.

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DATELINE: AMERICA— 
This week a Redditor user claimed that his new pair of workboots, made by the Polar Fox company, left swastika-shaped footprints wherever he walked.

Sigh... this again? Two or three times a year some fidgety worrywart goes ballistic because they start seeing swastikas where there are n— 

Holy crap, those are swastikas. Jesus Christ, they're perfect too. How the hell did this get through this company's quality control department?

Polar Fox has since recalled the boots, and the company's large, chubby, mustachioed spokesman held a press conference where he simply stated, "I see nuhsink! Nuhsink!"

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DATELINE: LAS VEGAS, NEVADA— 

This week at CES, an annual convention spotlighting technology and gadgets, the Spartan Underwear company debuted their new radiation-proof boxers.

The underwear contains a blend of silver fibers and cotton, which supposedly blocks 99% of the radiation from mobile phones and wi-fi signals. That's right— it's a goddamned Farady Cage for your junk!

Best of all, Spartan boxers are designed in Paris "for an exceptional fit and amazing design." Ooh la lah! Élégant et sans rayonnement!

My favorite feature of Spartan boxers is that they're seamless, orderless and CONfortable. Who needs proofreaders?

Of course there's no concrete evidence that cell phone radiation or wi-fi signals are in any way dangerous, but when has that ever stopped companies from taking advantage of an uninformed and jittery clientele?

Spartan boxers sell for just $44.49 per pair, which seems pretty pricey where I'm from. Maybe if you're that worried about your phone shriveling up your family jewels, you should, oh, I don't know, maybe stop shoving it into your pocket next to your genitals.

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DATELINE: NEW YORK, NEW YORK— 

This week a new Harry Potter-themed restaurant opened in New York City's Lower East Side. The eatery, called Pasta Wiz, promises patrons a variety of magical-themed dishes, guaranteed to arrive at your table a mere five minutes after you order. So you just know it's gotta be good, right?

Um, note to the owner of this establishment: I know you've already spent thousands for your various permits and your sign and menus, but you need to ditch that name PRONTO. Nobody wants to eat at a place with "wiz" in its name. Trust me on this. Maybe "Pasta Wizard" would have been a better choice.

Expectorate pastorum!

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DATELINE: BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA— 
This week at the 74th Golden Globes Awards, director JJ Abrams announced that he's "done with reboots."

Ah. So I guess that means he's retiring then. BURRRRRRN!

See, of the five major theatrical movies Abrams has directed (Mission: Impossible III, Star Trek, Super 8, Star Trek Into Darkness and Star Wars: The Force Awakens), only one— Super 8— has NOT been a remake or reboot. And even then, it was pretty much a pastiche of nearly every film Steven Spielberg ever made.

And yes, that's a photo of JJ Abrams oh-so-subtly flipping us all off.

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DATELINE: WASHINGTON D.C.— 

This week in Washington, Betsy DeVos, President-elect Trump's pick for Education Secretary, appeared before at a Senate Confirmation hearing.

When Senator Chris Murphy asked DeVos if she thinks guns should be allowed on school premises, she replied that the decision should be left up to local lawmakers. DeVos explained that certain schools— such as in Wyoming— might need guns to protect students from grizzly bears (!). 

"I would imagine there's a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies," said DeVos.

Reporters contacted Angie Page, assistant to the superintendent of Wapiti Elementary School in Wyoming, and asked if they indeed had a grizzly gun on the premises. "No, we do not," was Page's succinct and curt reply.

Devos went on to say she thinks our outposts on other moons should also be armed with blasters and other such weapons, to help keep the terrible, terrible Colossal Titans from scaling the Outer Wall...

It Came From The Cineplex: In The Heart Of The Sea

In The Heart Of The Sea was written by Charles Leavitt and directed by Ron Howard. 

Leavitt has a very uneven track record as a screenwriter, having previously written K-Pax, Blood Diamond and Seventh Son. Howard of course had a very successful TV career as both Opie Taylor and Richie Cunningham before becoming a prolific film director. He previously directed Splash, Cocoon, Gung Ho, Willow, Parenthood, Backdraft, Apollo 13, A Beautiful Mind, The Da Vinci Code, Frost/Nixon and Rush, among many others.

In The Heart Of The Sea is based on the book of the same name by Nathaniel Philbrick. The book tells the true story of the Essex, a ship that sailed from Nantucket in 1820 and sank after being attacked by a sperm whale. The story of the Essex was the inspiration for Herman Melville's classic Moby Dick. 

Did you get all that? This is a movie based on a book about a true event that inspired a fictional story that inspired several film adaptations. Whew!

Since it's the inspiration for Moby Dick, I was expecting an old fashioned high seas adventure pitting the crew against a monstrous killer whale. We get a little bit of that in the first half of the movie, but unfortunately it completely switches direction and becomes a dull and tepid survival tale. That's right, once the crew's ship is destroyed, the film grinds to a halt as the survivors literally sit and wait for rescue. Not quite the rousing story I expected.

Even people who were never forced to read Moby Dick in high school can still tell you it's a metaphor for the dangers of obsession and revenge. That's all but forgotten in this film, which instead opts for an environmental message. 

I don't know for sure if that's the theme of the book, but if I had to guess, I'd say not. The greed and corruption of the whaling industry as it hunts its sole resource to extinction is very obviously supposed to echo the oil corporations of today. I have a feeling the environmental commentary was grafted onto the screenplay in an effort to make the film more relevant for our times.

Chris Hemsworth stars in the film as Owen Chase. Although Hemsworth has the looks and charisma of a leading man, so far he's never managed to headline a big hit apart from the Thor films. If he's smart he'll stick to playing the God Of Thunder till he can no longer lift his hammer.

Unfortunately the film's tanking (heh) at the box office. The subject matter has to be a big reason here. Even though it's not a direct adaptation of Moby Dick, the fact that it's connected to it in any way likely scared away moviegoers who still remember having to read the book in school. And even though Star Wars doesn't open for another week, it likely caused empty seats at the cineplex, as fans hold onto their ticket money as they nervously await the Third Coming.

SPOILERS FOR A STORY THAT INSPIRED A BOOK WRITTEN OVER 160 YEARS AGO!

The Plot:
In 1850, young author Herman Melville interviews Thomas Nickerson, the last living survivor of the Essex, a whaling ship that was sunk thirty years earlier.

Nickerson reluctantly agrees to tell Melville his tale, which he's never told to anyone before. In 1820, experienced whaler Owen Chase (played by Chris Hemsworth) is expecting to be hired as captain of the Essex. He's angry when he's made the first mate, while the captaincy is given to George Pollard, an inexperienced seaman from a prominent and wealthy family. Owen is reluctant to accept the first mate position, but fears turning it down will sabotage his career.

The ship sets sail the next day, with young Thomas Nickerson aboard. As it's his first voyage, Thomas suffers from seasickness. Owen manages to cure him, which forms a bond between them.

The inexperienced Captain Pollard orders the ship to sail directly into a storm to save time. Owen tries to talk him out of it, but Pollard insists. His actions damage the ship and nearly sink it, causing Pollard to head back to port. Owen warns Pollard that if the Essex returns without a hold full of precious whale oil, both their careers will be over. He eventually convinces Pollard to continue the voyage, and they agree to work together for the good of the mission.

The Essex spots a pod of whales and successfully harpoons one, netting them forty seven barrels of oil. Unfortunately three months pass with no further whale spottings. Pollard declares the Atlantic has been "fished out," and heads toward the Pacific. During a supply stop in Equador, Pollard hears rumors of a vast whale breeding ground a thousand miles to the west. He's warned that a monstrous white whale protects the breeding ground and attacks any whaling ships that enter. Pollard dismisses these warnings as fables and heads toward the breeding ground anyway.

The Essex arrives in the breeding ground and begins hunting. The white whale appears and rams the Essex, damaging it. Owen harpoons the whale and ties the rope to the ship's mast. The powerful whale pulls the mast over, killing several of the crew. The ship begins sinking, and the whale oil in the hold ignites and explodes. The remaining handful of crew members, including Pollard, Owen and Thomas, survive in three salvaged whaling boats.

The survivors, now thousands of miles from land, have no choice but to try and make it back to civilization. After several weeks they spot an island, but it's a desolate place with little or no food or vegetation. Four men decide to stay there anyway, as the rest sail on. After several months at sea, the crew are starving to death. When one of them dies, the others are reluctantly forced to eat him in order to survive.

The whale returns, and Owen realizes it's been following their boats. As it approaches, he starts to harpoon and kill it. He sees the great beast's eye as it swims by, and drops his harpoon. The whale doesn't attack and swims away. Shortly afterward the men, now close to death, spot land. They're rescued, fed and taken back to Nantucket.

Owen is reunited with his wife and the daughter he's never met. The ship's owners tell Owen and Pollard there will be an inquiry the next day. In order to avoid scaring away potential investors, the two are ordered not to mention the white whale sunk their ship, and to say that they simply ran aground. Owen refuses to lie and storms out.

At the inquiry, Pollard starts to go with the "run aground" story, but changes his mind and says the Essex was sunk by a great white whale, causing a huge uproar at the inquiry. Pollard captains another ship to try and find the whale, but fails. Owen becomes the captain of a merchant ship.

Thomas finishes telling his story. Melville assures him that he'll write a fictional account, and will protect his reputation (because of the whole cannibal thing). Later he sits down at his desk and begins writing Moby Dick.

Thoughts:

• This may be the Game Of Throne-iest movie I've ever seen. I counted four former Thrones cast members in the film: Michelle Fairley (who played Catelyn Stark), Donald Sumpter (who played Maester Luwin), Joseph Mawle (who played Benjen Stark) and Jamie Sives (who played Jory Cassel).

Of course this just confirms my belief that there are only about twenty five actors in all of England.

• Tom Holland plays young Thomas Nickerson, which should be of interest to Marvel movie fans. Holland has been cast as the new Spider-Man, so this film gives us our first good look at the new Peter Parker.

• Ben Wishaw plays Herman Melville in the film. He's probably better known right now as the new Q in the James Bond movies. I still think he'd make a really good Doctor on Doctor Who when Peter Capaldi decides to hang up his sonic.

• Ron Howard and Chris Hemsworth previously worked together in 2013 in Rush.

• I know it's an historical fact, but the idea of sailing out to sea for years at a time and killing whales just to turn them into lamp oil seems like an insane amount of trouble. Surely there was a better, safer and less complicated way to light lamps?

• At the beginning of the film Owen strolls through the port in Nantucket. At one point he passes a couple of South Sea natives, one of which has elaborate tattoos all over his face. I'm assuming that's a nod to Queequeg from the Moby Dick book.

• Was Chris Hemsworth trying to affect a Nantucket accent (rather than his normal Australian one) in this film? If so, he failed miserably. It never quite sounded right, and it came and went throughout the film as if he forgot about it and suddenly remembered he was supposed to be doing it.

• Longtime readers of my blog know that I absolutely hate it when a movie is one long flashback. It's my absolute least favorite storytelling device, right up there with "It was all a dream."

Take Life Of Pi, for example. Gods, what an annoying movie. At the beginning of that film we meet the main character when he's fifty years old, as he tells us the unlikely story of that time he was marooned at sea in a lifeboat with a tiger. So thirty seconds in we know that no matter happens, he survived, since he's telling us the story as an old man. So there's no tension or suspense, and the audience might as well gather its belongings, demand a refund and leave.

In The Heart Of The Sea uses the exact same flashback format, but here I didn't hate it. Yes, Thomas Nickerson is telling us his story so we know he survived, but we don't know the fates of main characters Captain Pollard or Owen Chase until the very end. So for once I didn't mind the flashback structure.

Of course that doesn't mean there weren't any problems with the way the story's constructed. Remember that everything we see in the film is being told to us by Thomas. There are many events and exchanges in the film that he didn't witness, and yet he somehow knows about them. Things like Owen's parting words to his worried wife, Captain Pollard's chance meeting with the one-armed Spanish captain, and everything that went on in the Essex inquiry. Maybe someone told Thomas about those things after the fact?

• After the Essex crew kills their first whale, they begin processing it right there at sea. Crew members cut a hole in the top of the whale to reach in and extract the precious oil from inside its body. Eventually they get all they can from outside, and Owen immediately orders them to get inside the whale and scrape up the remaining bits of oil, so as not to let any go to waste. The crew balks at this, saying the hole's too small for any of them to wiggle through. Owen then tells Thomas to slither though the hole, as he's the only one small enough to fit.

Um... the crew cut the hole in the top of the whale themselves, right? So why couldn't they just get out their knives and make the hole a little big bigger so they could all jump into it?

I have a feeling the crew knew they could have done this, but were playing dumb so they didn't have to enter the disgusting corpse of the whale.

• Because this is a PG-13 film, the whale hunting and slaughtering scenes are no doubt much less bloody than the real thing.

In a similar vein, Ron Howard decided to deal with the topic of cannibalism by talking about it, rather than showing it. I suppose that was the right move, since this isn't an Eli Roth film, but sidestepping it also strips the situation of much of its horror. 

I freely admit I don't have a solution to this problem.

• After the white whale destroys the ship, it looks like the film's going the Moby Dick route, as Owen seems determined to have his vengeance on the creature.

Owen spots the whale coming toward his boat, and raises his harpoon. But as the enormous beast swims past, Owen looks it in the eye, sees the remains of his spear protruding from its head, and drops his harpoon. The whale then swims off, never to bother the survivors again.

So why did Owen decide to drop the whole revenge thing? Empathy? Resignation? Shame? The realization that it was a creature just like him, trying to protect its own? Your guess is as good as mine, as it's never really addressed. I supposed maybe Owen realized his obsession and thirst for revenge would only end up destroying himself.

• As the months at sea wear on, the survivors become positively skeletal as they slowly starve to death.

Believe it or not, the cast, including Chris Hemsworth, actually went on a 600 calorie per day diet to get that starving supermodel look! 

Jesus, is that really still necessary? In this day and age of realistic CGI, you'd think they could digitally hollow out an actor's cheeks without requiring him to endanger his health by fasting. I hope it was worth it! Now he's gonna have to bulk right back up again for the next Thor movie.

In The Heart Of The Sea could have been a rousing, old-school maritime adventure, but halfway through it completely switches direction and becomes a dull and predictable survival film. You'd be better off renting one of the many Moby Dick films that have been made over the decades. I give it a B-.

R.I.P. Ray Bradbury

Like most of the world I was saddened to hear of the death of author Ray Bradbury earlier this week. He was 91 though, so that's a pretty good run. It's sad, but realistically you can't ask for much more than that!

I discovered the works of Mr. Bradbury through my local library when I was a kid, as did most people. He had a big influence on my back then, and I'm sure a few tiny molecules of his style have seeped into my brain and are being filtered into my writing to this day. Not that I'm anywhere close to his level, mind you. Just saying he was a big influence on an entire generation is all.

As a sci-fi fan I much preferred stories such as The Martian Chronicles and A Sound of Thunder over his more folksy works such as Dandelion Wine. I was a dumb kid back then though, so I ought to go back and read the rest of his work; no doubt I'd get more out of it now anyway.

I never met Mr. Bradbury, but I did attend a lecture he gave here in town back in 1997. He was quite a spellbinding speaker and rambled from topic to topic for a much too short two hours. 

My favorite anecdote that he told that night: His agent called him one day and asked him if he'd be interested in writing the screenplay for John Huston's movie adaptation of Moby Dick. Mr. Bradbury said sure and the agent said he'd arrange everything. A few minutes later his wife heard him rummaging around in his study and came in to see what he was doing. He said he was looking for a copy of Moby Dick that he was sure he owned, because he'd never actually read the book and figured he'd better get started!

Bradbury said it was a tough row to hoe and took him eight months to write the screenplay. As someone who's unsuccessfully tried to slog through that book at least twice, I can relate!

In his later years Mr. Bradbury was quite vehement in his disdain for the internet, saying that he believed it to be the cause of just about all our social ills, and he absolutely refused to let any of his works be reproduced online or made available on eReaders. I wonder now if his works will finally be made available for download, or if he left instructions to the contrary with his estate?

Whatever the outcome, the world has lost yet another talent. Sadly, I don't see anyone else stepping up to take his place.