Private Screening

The never-ending Covid pandemic hit the world economy hard last year, causing billions in lost sales and forcing numerous businesses to close for good.

Movie theaters in particular were dealt a near fatal blow, as they were shuttered for nearly a year. Since their entire business model depends on people leaving the house and showing up in person, this was a huge problem. Even after finally reopening, audiences still haven't returned to pre-Covid levels.

In a desperate attempt to remind the public that they still exist, the AMC theater chain has recently begun airing TV commercials featuring Nicole Kidman. In them, the former Mrs. Cruise strolls wistfully through a movie theater, gushing about the shared audience experience or something, and how awesome it is to watch a film on the big screen.

Eh, I dunno... Say, AMC— I'm not a marketing expert or anything, but if you're trying to convince people that cineplexes are so amazing, maybe show Nicole Kidman sitting in a packed house, rather than wandering through a cavernous, completely EMPTY theater. 

Seriously, what addle-brained executive thought this commercial was a good idea? It looks like a trailer for an end of the world pic, featuring Kidman as the sole survivor of a pandemic as she visits places she used to love, that are now empty and silent save for the sound of the howling wind scouring the deserted landscape.

From The Department Of Terrible Ideas: The Interactive Haunted House Movie

Earlier this month the news broke that film director Alexandre Aja and Amblin Entertainment are allegedly teaming up for a brand new project. 

Aja's the fair-to-middling director who brought us such films as High Tension, The Hills Have Eyes (2006), Mirrors and this summer's Crawl.

Amblin was founded by none other than Steven Spielberg, along with producers Frank Marshall and current Star Wars ruiner Kathleen Kennedy. The studio's output is legendary, as it brought us some of the biggest movies ever, such as E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial, the Back To The Future trilogy, The Color Purple, Gremlins I & II, the Jurassic Park franchise, Saving Private Ryan, the Men In Black films and dozens more.

These two entities came up with an idea that will either revolutionize the way we watch movies, or turn out to be an unqualified disaster.

Aja and Amblin want to make the world's very first "Interactive Haunted House Movie." According to them, the film would feature a branched narrative, and at various intervals the audience would use an app on their cell phones to vote for what the characters should do next. That means each audience would see a slightly different version of the film, one with a customized plot, ending and even runtime.

No. NO!!!!!!!! UNACCEPTABLE!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

It's 2019. The slack jawed general public doesn't need the theater giving them permission to whip out their goddamned cell phones all through a f*cking movie! They do that enough already right now, thank you very much!

I don't know what Aja and Papaw Spielberg are smokin' over in Hollywood, but this is an idea that was surely spawned in the lowest depths of Hell.

I know what you're thinking. "But Bob, how could this be a bad idea? It's only for one movie." Uh-huh. That's how it starts. If you tell the audience it's OK to whip out their beacon-like phones in the middle of a pitch black theater , it's a given they'll think it's acceptable to do it ALL the time. Before you know it the theater will just stop dimming the lights altogether so the audience can see their phones better while they diddle with them throughout the whole movie.

It seems like every few years someone comes up with some ill-advised, asinine idea like this to "enhance" the movie-going experience. Remember the The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure? It was the brainchild of Kenn Viselmann (whoever that is), who encouraged audiences to sing along with the characters, shout at the screen and even get up and dance in the aisles during his movie. Oy gevalt.

Fortunately this ghastly idea died a swift (and I hope painful) death, as The Oogieloves grossed a paltry $1 million dollars, against its $20 million budget! And it opened on 2,160 screens! 

And then there's Cinepolis, the Mexican theater chain that installed goddamned playgrounds in their theaters, so kids can climb around on them "before the movie starts." Yeah. I'm sure that's the plan. But what happens when little Aiden and Bella throw a hissy fit because they don't want to get off the slide when the movie starts?

As I said, fortunately this idea is a disease that hasn't yet spread across the border. I swear to you all right now that if any American theater ever adopts this idea, I will burn the f*cking place to the ground, and then salt the Earth so nothing ever grows there again.

Why do people keep trying to come up with these preposterous ideas? In every case, the originators always say their idiotic concept will "enhance the movie-going experience." Hey, I've got an idea to enhance the experience— turn off your phone, sit quietly in your seat and WATCH THE GODDAMNED MOVIE! And if you can't do any of those things, then stay the hell home where you belong.

There Goes The Neighborhood!

I typically see a movie in the theater every weekend of the year. Normally I go to the small cineplex that's just a couple of blocks from my house, as it's less crowded and there aren't quite as many seat-kicking adults, texting teens or shrieking babies there.

This past weekend however, I'd already seen everything at the local theater, so I went to the BIG cineplex way over on the other side of town.

Something I've noticed at that place— the quality of a particular movie is inversely proportional to its distance from the front entrance.

For example: Big budget summer blockbuster films will ALWAYS play on one of the screens ten feet from the lobby, next to the concession stand. Always, without fail. 

But if there's a watered down PG-13 "horror" film, a fart comedy or a slow moving Oscar-bait drama playing, then it'll be on Screen 16, which is LITERALLY as far back into the building as you can possibly walk. When I realize it's taking me two minutes to walk to a particular theater inside the cineplex, I know I probably should have picked a different film to see. 

It's almost like there's a "bad neighborhood" inside the cineplex, where they dump all the terrible or unpopular films!

This Week In Horrifying Movie Theater News

This week several major movie chains in China announced that they're experimenting with a system that will allow real-time commentary– during the film. Audiences can now text their opinions about the movie they're watching and they'll be flashed on the screen for everyone to read. 

These "Bullet Screens" are meant to appeal to younger audiences "who can't spend five minutes away from their phones." Apparently most people in China watch movies on their phones and are already texting their opinions to everyone they know, so theaters have apparently thrown up their hands in defeat and have begun catering to them.

The new screens are already in use in select theaters in Beijing and Shanghai.

On the other side of the globe, a Lodi Stadium 12 movie theater in LA was temporarily closed after moviegoers complained they were bitten by bedbugs during a film. A pest control company was called in, and found "small pockets of bedbugs in limited areas of the theater." The theater was fumigated and management plans to perform regular inspections from now on.

Jesus wept. 

Honest to god, I'm having trouble deciding which of these stories is more horrifying.

What kind of self-important asshole thinks that anyone else in the audience cares what they think about a film? And who would pay to have half the screen covered up by some idiot's texts? 

It's bad enough that you have to endure people talking, babies screaming and idiots kicking the back of your seat while you're trying to watch a movie. Now they want us to have to deal with audience members' "hilarious" texts? If this trend ever reaches our shores, I'm afraid it'll have to happen without me. I'll be home watching movies on DVD and blu ray in peace and quiet.

I blame Mystery Science Theater 3000 for this unholy trend. As much as I love that show, it's had the unfortunate side effect of making everyone think they're a world class comedian whose every utterance is comedy gold. The cold hard truth is that few if any audience members are at the level of Joel, Mike and the bots, and their "funny" comments thud to the floor like bricks. Keep your goddamned texts to yourself, please and thank you.

As for bedbugs in theaters– how the hell is this happening? I've lived my entire life without ever hearing a peep about bedbugs, and suddenly in the last five years they've become an epidemic. 

I could understand it if this was the 1800s, but it's the goddamned 21st Century! We should have moved past this kind of thing hundreds of years ago. What's next, smallpox? Consumption? Spanish flu?

Excuse me while I board up the windows and refuse to ever leave my house again.