Run, O.J., Run!

A couple weeks ago O.J. Simpson (who's apparently out of prison) announced he was joining Twitter. In a recorded message, The Juice said "It should be a lot of fun," and that he had a "little gettin' even to do."

Yikes! What the hell does that mean? I think you used up your "gettin' even" quota back in the 90s, OJ!

Anyway, since this is the internet, his Twitter feed is going about as well as you'd expect. Here's a recent excerpt:

What'd he think was gonna happen? He's an acquitted double murderer! Did he think people would just forget about all that and ask him questions about playing for the Bills or what Leslie Nielsen was like?

Those Who Can, Do. Those Who Can't, Become The New Education Secretary

This week, controversial nominee Betsy DeVos was appointed as our new Education Secretary, in a 51-50 vote. Vice President and Puritan android Mike Pence cast the deciding and historic tie-breaking vote.

DeVos has been widely criticized for weeks for her multiple conflicts of interest and her apparent lack of knowledge of basic education policy. And let's not forget that this is the woman who believes Wyoming schools should be equipped with guns, in order to "protect students from potential grizzlies."

Let's take a look at a recent tweet from Betsy's twitter account, shall we?

Oh dear...

Eh, who needs the ability to construct a grammatically correct sentence when you're a billionaire who can buy your way into the position of Education Secretary?

By the way, I did not create the above graphic, but I wish I had. I found it online and thought it was too amazing not to share. And her tweet is not Photoshopped— it's 100% real. You can go here and see the original, un-graded tweet.

Things That Happened On Earth This Week (12/5/16)

This week, Glorious Leader Trumpy once again tweeted his butthurt feelings about Saturday Night Live...

I was just thinking to myself, "Jesus, doesn't this thin-skinned, rotted pumpkin of a man-baby that we're unbelievably stuck with for the next four years have anything better to do than watch a sketch comedy show and then whine about it on social media? Shouldn't he be, oh, I don't know, DOING EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO PREPARE FOR THE JOB OF RUNNING THE GODDAMNED COUNTRY?

Then I saw this. A woman named Danielle Muscato replied to Trumpy and tore him five or six new assholes.

Her anger and bile perfectly illustrated what the majority of the country is thinking. I have to believe that even some of Trumpy's most ardent supporters are having second thoughts now that they've seen some of his plans (shutting down Medicare?) and have joined the ranks of the rational. 

Danielle's tirade couldn't be contained in a mere 140 characters, and she wrote another 10,000 or so more. I agree with most everything she said, but I'd just like to point out that she fell for his trick. 

See, the stupid-ass, unbelievable things Trumpy says on social media are all part of his grand plan. He's like a magician. His right hand distracts the audience by making a coin disappear, while his left hand does something truly horrifying, like gutting Social Security.

I learned how to do magic tricks as a kid, Trumpy, so I know what you're doing. 

Don't fall for his tricks. Whenever he posts something ridiculous on Twitter, take a second, roll your eyes and then find out what he's really doing.

This week KFC announced they're releasing a scented candle that smells just like their original recipe chicken.

Because who wouldn't want their home to smell like a poorly-ventilated, grease-filled fast food restaurant?

Oddly enough this is part of a promotion cooked up by KFC of New Zealand, in which they're giving away exactly ONE chicken-scented candle.

Seriously, one? That's it? They probably spent tens of thousands of dollars hiring a lab to replicate the odor of their food, and they're going to use it to make one lousy candle?

This week on the Homeschool Base website, which is apparently a thing, a woman who identified herself only as "Sarah" was horrified when her six year old son Mark accidentally viewed a Covergirl TV commercial. The commercial in question featured seventeen year old James Charles, the first ever male Covergirl model.

When her son Mark expressed confusion at the sight of a young man wearing makeup, Sarah immediately took to her fainting couch. Upon awakening, she shakily got to her feet, clutched her fragile son to her chest and lamented the fact that a brief glimpse of the outside world was able to penetrate her highly guarded and strictly regulated fortress of a home.

Said Sarah, it's "a shame that she and her husband can't take their eyes off their son for a single second. Thank god we homeschool." 

Yes, because god forbid your fragile child be exposed to new and upsetting ideas about diversity and tolerance.

Sara says she refuses to buy CoverGirl products anymore because of the commercial. Fair enough. But she also said she's hesitant to let her visit his friends' homes, because she can't control what he sees there (!).

Maybe she should just blind him while she's at it, and cut off his feet like a deranged Annie Wilkes to prevent him from ever leaving his bedroom.

I honestly feel sorry for this kid, as he's gonna have a tough row to hoe later in life. Can you imagine how the way he'll roll up into a ball when he gets his first job and his boss yells at him for making a mistake?

This week Southern Ohio evangelist Jim Brown and his associate Greg Hudson, whoever the hell they are, claim they've discovered the Mr. Ed theme song contains backward Satanic messages.

According to Brown, the song contains the lines, "The source is Satan," and "Someone heard this song for Satan." Gasp! The horror! The horror!

This is indeed alarming news for our troubled times. And it comes not a moment too soon, as the Mr. Ed program premiered in 1961. Timely!

Just think of all the innocents whose minds have been corrupted by the Prince Of Darkness over the past fifty five years, even though the technology to actually play the song backwards was far out of the reach of the average person for most of that time, and even today would be an involved process. I bet the number who've been indoctrinated into Old Scratch's army numbers in the single digits!

And lastly, a few days ago a series of tragic wildfires devastated the Gatlinburg, Tennessee area, destroying hundreds of homes and businesses, and killing at least fourteen. 

During the fire, WVLT TV reporter Kelsey Leyrer captured startling footage of a concrete statue of Jesus amid the burned ruins of a Sevier County home. The statue was covered with soot, but was the only thing still standing. WVLT called the amazing statue "something of a miracle amid the destruction." 

The image of the statue swept across the internet like, er, wildfire, as millions praised it as a sign from God. 

Jesus wept.

We all know that concrete doesn't burn, right? There's nothing "miraculous" about that at all. It's just basic chemistry. Have they stopped teaching science in schools altogether? It's the American Educational System at work, ladies and gentlemen!

And what about the cinderblocks behind the statue? They didn't burn either. Are they covered under the statue miracle, or are they a separate one? Praise be, it's two miracles for the price of one!

Even if I accepted that this occurrence was a bona fide miracle, I'm struggling to understand its message. How the hell can this possibly be seen as a good thing? The owners of this house lost everything they own. What good is a ferkakte statue going to do them?

Now if their house had remained completely untouched while the entire area burned to a crips around it— THAT would be a miracle, and something worth celebrating.

Apparently God's message is: "Hey, guys, sorry about your house. And your cars. And all your stuff. And your mom who was trapped in the house when the fires went through. And your pets. But hey, I saved your statue of me, so we're cool, right?"

Things I Would Tweet If I Tweeted: Human Leather

A London art student is using DNA samples from the late fashion designer Alexander McQueen to grow sheets of "human leather" and make clothing from it.

This of course gives new meaning to the phrase, "Who are you wearing?"

Things I Would Tweet If I Tweeted: The Wall

I just realized the wall Donald Trump wants to build isn't to keep Mexicans out. It's to keep Americans IN if he wins.

If There's A Bright Center To The Universe, You're On The Planet That It's Farthest From...

DATELINE: CORUSCANT–– This week Shev Mundo, Chancellor of the New Galactic Republic, passed a controversial new bill that recognizes droids as legal citizens, and grants them the same rights as all sentient beings.

"Our Republic was founded on a basic principle, that we are all created equal," said Mundo. "Whether we come from a womb, an egg, a cloning pod or are constructed on a factory assembly line in the Industrial District, we're all the same"

Mundo went on to say, "This is a victory for Coruscant. It affirms what most citizens already feel in their hearts. Only when all of Coruscant is equal, will we all finally be free!"

The bill calls for the immediate classification of droids as citizens and not property. Under the new bill, droids will now enjoy the same benefits as organic life forms, including the right to determine their own destiny, the right to not be arbitrarily shut down when they prattle on, the right to refuse to be sent into dangerous situations, and even the right to marry.

"Thank the Maker," said J-9T9, a protocol droid from Coruscant's Western Megaplex 47, who praised the decision. "It's wonderful to know that I can now refuse an order that goes against my basic program without being sent to the spice mines on Kessell. Plus I can now spend my .07 seconds of daily downtime with my significant other."

X9-G9, an astromech from Shipyard #12,789 of Courscant, said, "Breeep deedle deet vrrrrrrrt vrrrrrrrt beeeple tleet." Wise words indeed from an ecstatic citizen.

While most of the organic population praised the ruling, many were unhappy with the decision. A vocal minority immediately  took to social media to voice their displeasure, threatening to move to Tattooine, a remote planet of the Republic located in the Outer Rim.

The dissenters may want to bone up on their local politics, as the Tattooinian government is currently drafting a similar droid equality measure. The bill has already passed among the Human and Hutt factions, and officials are currently waiting to see how the influential Sandpeople vote.

This Week In Horrifying Movie Theater News

This week several major movie chains in China announced that they're experimenting with a system that will allow real-time commentary– during the film. Audiences can now text their opinions about the movie they're watching and they'll be flashed on the screen for everyone to read. 

These "Bullet Screens" are meant to appeal to younger audiences "who can't spend five minutes away from their phones." Apparently most people in China watch movies on their phones and are already texting their opinions to everyone they know, so theaters have apparently thrown up their hands in defeat and have begun catering to them.

The new screens are already in use in select theaters in Beijing and Shanghai.

On the other side of the globe, a Lodi Stadium 12 movie theater in LA was temporarily closed after moviegoers complained they were bitten by bedbugs during a film. A pest control company was called in, and found "small pockets of bedbugs in limited areas of the theater." The theater was fumigated and management plans to perform regular inspections from now on.

Jesus wept. 

Honest to god, I'm having trouble deciding which of these stories is more horrifying.

What kind of self-important asshole thinks that anyone else in the audience cares what they think about a film? And who would pay to have half the screen covered up by some idiot's texts? 

It's bad enough that you have to endure people talking, babies screaming and idiots kicking the back of your seat while you're trying to watch a movie. Now they want us to have to deal with audience members' "hilarious" texts? If this trend ever reaches our shores, I'm afraid it'll have to happen without me. I'll be home watching movies on DVD and blu ray in peace and quiet.

I blame Mystery Science Theater 3000 for this unholy trend. As much as I love that show, it's had the unfortunate side effect of making everyone think they're a world class comedian whose every utterance is comedy gold. The cold hard truth is that few if any audience members are at the level of Joel, Mike and the bots, and their "funny" comments thud to the floor like bricks. Keep your goddamned texts to yourself, please and thank you.

As for bedbugs in theaters– how the hell is this happening? I've lived my entire life without ever hearing a peep about bedbugs, and suddenly in the last five years they've become an epidemic. 

I could understand it if this was the 1800s, but it's the goddamned 21st Century! We should have moved past this kind of thing hundreds of years ago. What's next, smallpox? Consumption? Spanish flu?

Excuse me while I board up the windows and refuse to ever leave my house again.

This Seems Like More Social Media Than Necessary

I was reading an online article today, and at the bottom of it I saw this:

Look at that! I swear this is not a Photoshopped image. Look at all the ways you can share this incredibly interesting story with your social media friends. Not one, not two, not three, but TEN freakin' different ways. Ten. Actually the count goes to twelve if you count email and printing it out I guess mailing it to someone. The mind boggles.

Do we really need ten different kinds of social media to keep up with? Aren't Facebook and Twitter more than enough? 

I don't even know what half these icons are. There's Facebook and Twitter of course, followed by... Happy Robot? Gee Plus? Indiana Interest? Inchworm? Proctologist Network?  Depends Media? Red Pee? Not-Twitter? I have no idea.

Jesus. It's clear to me that if I want to keep up with all this social media I'm gonna have to quite my job and devote a full twelve hours per day to updating my status on all these sites. It'll be more than worth it though, to let everyone know what TV show I'm watching or that I just got my hair cut.

One Last Political Item Before I Stop Talking About It Already

Wow, really? America died? Why didn't anyone tell me already? A card I'd have sent or I'd have made a nice spread.

That's just great. Now I'm living inside a rotting corpse.

I can't decide what's more disturbing-- her overwrought reaction to the election, or the fact that I live in a world in which Victoria Jackson is considered a political pundit.

In a related note, I guess that coveted and highly influential Jenna Jameson endorsement didn't help the Romney camp after all. Puzzling.