Sunday, February 5, 2017
A
busy day for the country, as backers and opponents of Glorious Leader
Trump's Muslim Travel Ban (which he insists isn't a ban) held competing protests at the LA International
airport.
Trump
is interviewed by Fox News' Bill O'Reilly, and says he respects
Vladimir Putin. O'Reilly points out that the Russian President has had
journalists and dissidents murdered, saying, "Putin is a killer." Trump
replies, "There are a lot of killers. We have a lot of killers. Well,
you think our country is so innocent?"
Trump
also denounces California, saying its effort to declare itself a
sanctuary state is out of control, and if necessary he'll "defund" them.
Trumpy
blasts the "dishonest press," claiming they routinely fail to report
massive numbers of terrorist attacks in the U.S. and Europe. The White
House then releases a list of seventy eight alleged "under-reported"
attacks. Oddly enough, the list contains many extensively covered incidents, such
as the Pulse Nightclub attack in Orlando. It also lists attacks in San
Bernardino (which the report misspells) and Paris.
Predictably, the internet has a field day with this list, mocking Glorious Leader's pathetic and transparent attempt at fear mongering.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Controversial
billionaire politician Betsy DeVos is confirmed as the new Secretary of
Education, despite having absolutely zero qualifications. Her Senate
confirmation hearing ended in a 50-50 tie, which was broken by– you
guessed it– Vice President (and Puritan android) Mike Pence.
Sebastian
Gorka, Trump's Deputy Assistant, says that as long as the media
continues to "attack" the President, the White House will refer to them
as "fake news."
Senator Elizabeth Warren attempts to protest the nomination of Senator Jeff Sessions as the new Attorney General, by reading a letter written by Dr. Martin Luther King's widow. Republicans invoke an obscure rule to prevent Warren from reading the letter. Democracy!
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Upscale
department store chain Nordstrom drops Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka's
swanky clothing and accessories line. Then, because he has absolutely nothing
else on his plate, Glorious Leader does not take this well, denouncing
Nordstrom on Twitter. Classy!
Jeff Sessions is confirmed as the new U.S. Attorney General.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
A
very busy day for our President. The 9th Circuit Court Of Appeals
announces it will not reinstate Trump's Muslim Travel Ban. This
infuriates Glorious Leader, who once again voices his anger on Twitter.
He even uses all caps to emphasize his rage, telling the Court Of
Appeals, "SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE."
Trump
also launches a Twitter attack on Senator John McCain, who had the
effrontery to call the President's raid on Yemen (which resulted in
several U.S. military deaths) a failure.
Trump
"counsellor" Kellyanne Conway appears on Fox News. Does she talk about
the President's plans for the country? Discuss his first few days in
office? Defend the Muslim Travel Ban? Nope! She shamelessly endorses
Ivanka Trump's Nordstrom product line, which crosses legal and ethical
bounds.
Construction on the Dakota Access oil pipeline resumes, after months of protests and legal battles.
Trumpy calls Chinese President Xi Jinping (oh god) and endorses China's sovereignty over Taiwan.
Friday, February 10, 2017
A
relatively quiet day. Rep. Tom Price becomes the new Health And Human
Services Secretary. Price is a vicious opponent of the Affordable Care
Act (aka "Obamacare), and gleefully rubs his hands together as he can't wait to dismantle it.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Trump
takes his second vacation in three weeks, retiring to the luxury
Mar-a-lago Club in upscale Palm Beach, Florida, where he hosts a dinner
for Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. During the dinner, news reports
surface of a ballistic missile test in North Korea. Trump and Abe then
access the situation and discuss strategy in the middle of the crowded,
country club restaurant, as laptops and classified documents are in full
view of waiters and other diners. Many even take photos of the event
(!).
This
casual lack of security astounds White House veterans and Trump's own
security advisors, as past Presidents have generally had the presence of mind to move to private,
secure settings to hash out top secret strategies.
"But... but her emails!"
Amazingly, Trump's Senior Policy Advisor Stephen Miller STILL insists there was voter fraud in the election. Jesus Christ, guys! How many more years are we gonna have to hear about this?
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Glorious
Leader continues to host Prime Minister Abe at Mar-a-logo. They play a
few rounds of golf at the Trump National Golf Course in Jupiter,
Florida.
Later
in the day Trump tweets that according to new estimates, the Mexican
border wall will cost more a tiny bit more than expected, at around $21 BILLION (!).
Monday, February 13, 2017
Scandal
rocks the White House! That was quick, as we're barely four weeks into
Trump's reign. Reports surface that Trump's National Security
Advisor Michael Flynn had inappropriate secret communications with a
Russian diplomat before the election. Both Trump and Vice President Pence deny the
allegations. Later that day, Flynn abruptly resigns.
Trump meets with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Amazingly he doesn't start a war with Canada.
Wall
Street executive Steven Mnuchin is voted in as the new Treasury
Secretary. Oddly enough, Mnuchin is also a Hollywood movie producer. He
produced such films as Batman V Superman and Suicide Squad!
Tuesday, Feb. 14
No
time for love today, as the White House scrambles to distance itself
from the Flynn scandal. White House spokesman Sean Spicer says the White
House had been investigating Flynn for several weeks, and he was fired
due to "an eroding level of trust." Pence says his previous denials of
Flynn's wrongdoings were due to "incomplete information based on media
accounts." Translation: "It's not my fault."
The
Office Of Government Ethics recommends Trump discipline Kellyanne
Conway for hawking Ivanka Trump's fashion line on national TV.
Linda McMahon, wife of WWE wrestling promoter Vince McMahon, is confirmed to lead the Small Business Administration. Is this real life?
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Glorious
Leader blames the Michael Flynn debacle on the media. Trump states, "General Flynn is a wonderful man. I think he’s been treated very, very unfairly
by the media.”
Trump's
pick for Labor Secretary, Andy Puzder, withdraws his nomination a day
before his confirmation hearing, which isn't the least bit
suspicious.
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Donald
Trump holds his first solo press conference, and it's everything you'd
expect. He continues distancing himself from the Flynn debacle, and denies
connections between himself and Russia. He then spends a good deal of
time blasting the press as "fake news." Amazingly he admits there are
intelligence leaks in his administration, but the news they're reporting
is "fake." I... I don't know how to respond to that.
Trump then refers to the press as the "opposition party," which is an extremely troubling and dangerous precedent. I know it's a hackneyed cliche at this point, but that's extremely similar to statements Hitler made about the press in pre-Nazi Germany.
And to top off the press conference, Trump says he's working on a New And Improved Muslim Travel Ban!
Outside
the press conference, poor Donald can't seem to give his cabinet
positions away. Navy Vice Admiral Robert Harward turns down an offer to
be the new National Security Advisor. Who could blame him?
Friday, February 17, 2017
Attorney
General Scott Pruitt is confirmed as the new head of the Environmental
Protection Agency. This is bad news for people who like to breathe, as Pruitt is an avid climate change denier and has
fought federal pollution limits on toxic substances such as soot and
mercury in his home state of Oklahoma.
The
Associated Press reports the Trump Administration is considering
deploying 100,000 National Guard Troops to round up illegal immigrants
nationwide (!). The White House denies the report.
Saturday, February 18, 2017
For
some reason, Glorious Leader holds a rally at the Orlando-Melbourne
International Airport. During the rally, Trump uses fear-mongering to
try and drum up support for his Muslim Travel Ban by saying, "You look at what's happening last night in
Sweden. Sweden. Who would believe this? Sweden. They took
in large numbers. They're having problems like they never thought
possible."
Swedish
officials are puzzled by Trump's comments, as nothing of note happened in the country the previous day. Or any time in the past year or more. Predictably, the internet has a field day with the "Sweden Incident," and rightly so.
Trump later attempts to clarify his Swedish statement, saying
he was referencing a story he saw on Fox News (!). So our President repeatedly and viciously blasts the media as "fake," but that's where he gets the majority of his news. We're very near the end of civilization.
Trump takes his third vacation in four weeks, calling his retreat at Mar-a-lago the "Southern White House." Oy. According to the fake news media, the Trump family's vacations have cost the taxpayers $11.3 MILLION in just one month. This is as much or more as Barack Obama's vacations cost in an entire year.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
On
Face The Nation, White House Chief Of Staff Reince Priebus (who sounds
like he was a member of Slytherin House), says the public should take
Trump seriously when he calls the press "the enemy of the American
people." Jesus Christ!
And so ends Glorious Leader Trump's first four weeks in office. It's been quite a terrifying and demoralizing month, but at least you can't say it's been boring! Eh, don't worry about it. It won't be long now before he starts a war with China or some other superpower, and then this will allllll be over.
