World's Greatest!

This week in Washington, President Trump and the Republican House finally made good on their threat to gut the U.S. healthcare system introduced their new replacement for the Affordable Care Act, aka "Obamacare."

I thought it had to be part of an Onion article at first, but I checked it out and it's all too true. Believe it or not, Trump's replacement for Obamacare really is titled H.R.1275 - World's Greatest Healthcare Plan Of 2017. I swear to you I am not kidding here.

Sounds like someone in Washington has been reading their Orwell. With a name like that, this new plan must be doubleplusgood! Support the troops in the war against Eastasia! Or is it Eurasia this week? I can never remember.

The World's Greatest Healthcare Plan Of 2017 is just the latest in a series of tremendous new policies from our Glorious Leader Trump, as it accompanies his recent Totally Rad Muslim Ban and the Badass Off The Hook Mexican Border Wall.

I'm leaving work early today to start building my Giant Meteor Attractor.

Does Whatever An Evil, Bloated Plutocrat Can

DATELINE:WASHINGTON, D.C.— 

Today in the White House, President Trump was unexpectedly confronted by a mob of angry citizens concerned about his new national healthcare plan.

Trump immediately spun around and made several "thwip thwip" sounds with his mouth as he held out both hands, as he apparently attempted to shoot webbing from his wrists and swing away from the mob, ala Spider-Man.

After several seconds the President seemingly remembered he never developed superpowers as a result of a bite from a radioactive spider, and lumbered down the hall and into a secure wing of the White House.

Today's Trump Tidbit: Running The Country's HARD!

Earlier this week President Trump announced that Republicans are hard at work, as they hastily look for ways to "improve" (which of course means eliminate) the Affordable Care Act.

The President said they're working on not just a good plan, but a "very good" plan, which should ease the minds of the nation's sick and invalid. He assured the country that the new plan would provide "insurance for everybody" and be "something terrific."

Trump admitted that the "repeal and replace" process hasn't been without its pitfalls."It's an unbelievably complex subject," said Trump. "Nobody knew that health care could be so complicated."

Of course you're right, Donald. No one knew health care was a complicated topic. Other than the entire insurance and medical industries, the country's hospital staff and administrators, the entire drug and pharmacy industry, the news media and of course the general public.

Jesus wept. It's like Josh from the movie Big suddenly grew up overnight and somehow became President.

Math Is Hard: Obamacare Edition

Yesterday the incredibly fair and balanced Fox News aired this informative graph, which attempted to illustrate the current shortfall in Obamacare enrollment (which is pretty much all they've talked about on air for the past year).

As you can see, they apparently went back in time and hired my twelve year old self to create the chart for them. Only a kid with math skills like mine at that age could have made a chart that shows six million equal to roughly a third of seven million. Fair and balanced indeed!

Whatever your feelings toward Obamacare, you've got to admit that's some twisted math there.

Later in the day they aired a "corrected" version of the chart, accompanied by an apology from Fox anchor Bill Hemmer. Which of course translates to "an intern noticed our chart was being ruthlessly mocked on every blog in the country, and we hurriedly tried to salvage what little credibility we could."