Q-ed Up

For reasons known only to them, CBS All Access, er, I mean Paramount+ decided to renew their miserable and disastrous Star Trek: Picard series for a second season.

Not only did the series completely miss the point of Star Trek: The Next Generation, it gave us horribly off-model versions of the characters of Picard, Riker, Troi, Seven Of Nine, Icheb and Hugh as well, thoroughly ruining them for all time.

Recently Akiva Goldsman, the producer of Picard, unveiled a huge announcement regarding the show. Season 2 of the dreary series will feature the return of actor John De Lancie as fan-favorite character Q, the mischievous, superpowerful demigod who vexed Jean-Luc Picard throughout TNG.

Well that'll be fun! I can't wait to see Q return and go on a violent, murderous kill-spree just like Seven of Nine did in Picard Season 1. It'll be really cool to see him snap his fingers and made someone explode in a massive shower of blood and entrails, give an antagonist the side eye and boil them alive from the inside or make that Kids In The Hall "I'm Crushing Your Head" gesture and obliterate an entire planet!

Maybe he'll take the current version of Picard and change him from an android back into a human while he's at it! It'll be kewl! This ain't your grandpa's Star Trek, laws no!

Set Phasers To Tolkien

Just saw this image from the new Star Trek: Picard series coming to CBS All Access. Apparently at some point in the show, Picard and his new crew travel to Middle-Earth, where they meet with Elrond, Lord Of Rivendell.

OK, I get that's supposed to be a Vulcan there on the left there. But Jesus Christ, he looks for all the world like a freakin' Tolkien elf. He's even toting a sword or battle staff!

I can't wait to see Picard stand on the Bridge Of Khazad-Dum and yell, "YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS!" at an attacking Balrog.

Thanks, I Hate Data Now

CBS, the people who brought us the awful Star Trek: Discovery (or STD) for short, are now making a new series starring Captain Picard. In an unprecedented and impressive burst of creativity, the show's imaginatively titled "Picard."

They're doing everything they can to ensure this new series is a hit, including pulling virtually every old TNG actor out of the retirement home and shoving them in front of the camera. 

That includes Brent Spiner as Data. Or at least I think it's Data. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?

Thanks, I hate Data now.

Jesus, he's not in the uncanny valley, he's at the bottom of the uncanny Mariana Trench! Part of the reason why he looks so strange and oft putting is no doubt due to the ravages of age. But there's more to it than that.

For reasons too complicated to go into right now, whenever CBS puts out anything Trek related, they're legally obligated to make it 25% different from any of the old series. That's why everything on STD didn't look anything like the Star Trek we all know and love, even though it supposedly took place ten years before the Original Series.

I don't know how you measure a 25% difference, but there you go. So apparently this is what Data looks like when he's 25% different.