Thanks, I Hate Data Now

CBS, the people who brought us the awful Star Trek: Discovery (or STD) for short, are now making a new series starring Captain Picard. In an unprecedented and impressive burst of creativity, the show's imaginatively titled "Picard."

They're doing everything they can to ensure this new series is a hit, including pulling virtually every old TNG actor out of the retirement home and shoving them in front of the camera. 

That includes Brent Spiner as Data. Or at least I think it's Data. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?

Thanks, I hate Data now.

Jesus, he's not in the uncanny valley, he's at the bottom of the uncanny Mariana Trench! Part of the reason why he looks so strange and oft putting is no doubt due to the ravages of age. But there's more to it than that.

For reasons too complicated to go into right now, whenever CBS puts out anything Trek related, they're legally obligated to make it 25% different from any of the old series. That's why everything on STD didn't look anything like the Star Trek we all know and love, even though it supposedly took place ten years before the Original Series.

I don't know how you measure a 25% difference, but there you go. So apparently this is what Data looks like when he's 25% different.

Orvillenvy

I wish I knew who made this, so I could give them proper credit. Whoever did it, it's VERY well done, and heads and shoulders above the usual Photoshopped memes. It's also absolute genius, and perfectly illustrates my feelings as a former fan of Star Trek.

Eh, Not So Fast There, Hipster Spock

Today I was watched the trailer for Season 2 of the dumpster fire known as Star Trek: Discovery (aka STD), and something occurred to me.

At one point Sexy Hipster Spock appears and gravely intones, "This Angel showed me an apocalyptic vision. Someone, or something, is going to end all sentient life in the galaxy." 

Sigh...

First of all, why is it that every threat on this show always seems to involve the ENTIRE goddamned universe, instead of just one planet?

Secondly, did the writers forget that STD is a fraking prequel series? I'd say it's a given that whoever or whatever this Angel is, it can't be that much of a threat, since Spock went on to star in three seasons of The Original Series as well as eight of the movies. Obviously the Angel's gonna be defeated somehow.

This crap right here is why prequels are always a bad idea.

By the way, what in the name of Spock's Beard is going on at the end of this particular trailer? In the final scene, traitor Michael Burnam enters a turbolift with Captain Pike and his entourage. A lizard-like alien is already inside the lift, and Michael asks if he's OK. He hisses that he's sick, and then sneezes a huge wad of snot on the blue shirt next to him. Ha, I guess?

Note that this scene is almost a frame by frame copy of a similar one from The Orville. Seriously, the framing is exactly the same.

What the hell? Is this scene a not-so-subtle little jab at The Orville? Or a friendly acknowledgment perhaps?

Or did the producers of Discovery read all the criticisms that the show's too dark and joyless, and are attempting to copy The Orville's lighter tone in a desperate attempt to increase the ratings and win over the fans? I... I dont' understand what's happening anymore.

Use The Force, Doctor Spock!

This past weekend, CBS released a new trailer for Season 2 of Star Trek Discovery, or as I like to call it, STD. Among other things, the trailer gave us our first look at actor Ethan Peck as Spock.

But this ain't your grandpa's Spock, laws no! That would be so 1966! This isn't even the oddly violent and emotional Zachary Quinto version from the Kelvin Timeline. Nope, this is a New And Improved, Sexy Spock. A sultry Vulcan for the new millennium.

Annnnnnnnd, I'm out.

Actually I was out long before this appeared. I gave STD a shot, and watched the first three episode. That was all I needed to realize that this series was not for me. 

Spock may be my all-time favorite character from any medium, so it pains me... no, that's not right... it pisses me off to see him treated so shabbily. It's obvious modern writers and directors don't understand the character, since they keep getting him so hopelessly wrong.

Sigh...

Rian Johnson and Kathleen Kennedy killed my love for Star Wars, and the BBC's turned Doctor Who into something I can no longer stomach. Now CBS just murdered my lifelong passion for Trek. Time to go lie down in traffic!

The Orville Vs Star Trek: Discovery

Last week Fox released a trailer promoting Seth MacFarlane's latest TV series, The Orville.

The one hour live-action series (a first for MacFarlane) is obviously a spoof of Star Trek. It's set four hundred years in the future and follows the adventures of Planetary Union Captain Ed Mercer and the crew of the U.S.S. Orville (Seriously? They're using the "U.S.S. prefix?).

So... basically MacFarlane just invented Galaxy Quest. Got it.

But I cannot emphasize this enough— based on what I've seen in the trailer, this IS Galaxy Quest, guys. Just look at The Orville's uniforms. They're virtually identical to the ones in the movie.

And the Orville itself is amazingly similar to the NSEA Protector from Galaxy Quest.

There's nothing wrong with creating a show like this, despite the fact that it's already been done literally a thousand times before. The series certainly looks slick and polished, and I have to admit I was a bit intrigued by the trailer, despite its unoriginality.

Plus MacFarlane's a huge Star Trek fan, so it looks like the series will be gently poking fun at the concept and not laughing at it, which is definitely a step in the right direction.

But you can only milk a parody for so long before the jokes become stale or you run out of material, whichever comes first. That's why Galaxy Quest made a good standalone film instead of a series. Eventually such a concept has to stand on its own, and I worry The Orville may not be able to do that. This is the same guy who wrote and directed A Million Ways To Die In The West, after all.

On the other hand, MacFarlane was the executive producer of Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey a few years ago, proving there's more to him than just fart and poop jokes. So who knows which way The Orville will go? 

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The day after The Orville trailer dropped, CBS finally, at long, long LONG, last, released a preview of their troubled Star Trek: Discovery series.

The series was supposed to premiere in 2016, which was the 50th Anniversary of the original Star Trek series. Unfortunately there've been numerous problems and setbacks with the show, delaying it for well over a year, and there's STILL no firm premiere date in sight. I'm not gonna get into the various reasons for the delay here, as it would take fifty thousand words to adequately list them all. You can google it if you're really interested.

Trek fans (including myself) were less than impressed with the trailer. Discovery is yet another prequel series (like Enterprise), set just ten years before Kirk and Spock's era.

That means the new series takes place during Captain Pike's time.

Do these people look like they could ever possibly exist in the same period as Pike & crew? 

Look, I get updating the technology on the ship, since the first Star Trek pilot was filmed over fifty years ago. But how can anyone reconcile these costumes, and explain how they could ever possibly exist at the same time as Pike?

And this is supposedly a Klingon from Discovery. Um... that ain't a Klingon— from the Original or Spin-Off series. I don't know what the hell that is.

It's patently obvious that CBS lied when they assured fans that this new show would be set in the Original Series timeline. It looks more like a prequel to the JJ Abrams' reboot films, which is gonna royally piss off the fans of the Original Series.

And to make matters worse (and even more confusing), some industry insiders claim that Discovery is a complete and total reboot, set in a THIRD timeline that's independent from the Original Series and the Abramsverse!

Honestly I think I'm more interested in watching The Orville than I am this series.

There's something really, really wrong when a parody series like The Orville looks more like Star Trek than the new Star Trek series does!

Here's Mudd In Your Eye!

Last week CBS announced that actor Rainn Wilson, aka Dwight Shrute of The Office fame, would be playing Harry Mudd in their upcoming Star Trek: Discovery TV series (the one Sonequa Martin-Green left The Walking Dead to star in). A few things here.

First of all, it's gonna take a long time for me to get used to the idea of CBS owning Star Trek. The franchise was owned by Paramount for nearly half a century, until they were bought by CBS a couple years ago.

Secondly, I will be astonished if this series actually airs. It was supposed to come out in 2016, which of course was the 50th Anniversary of the Star Trek franchise. Obviously that didn't happen. It's been mysteriously and inexplicably delayed about twelve more times since then. Right now CBS officials claim it'll debut "this summer, or perhaps fall." Wow, way to precisely narrow it down there.

Thirdly... Harry Mudd? Really? Of all the characters to dredge up, did it have to be that one? Mudd, who was played by character actor Roger C. Carmel, was a space pirate/smuggler/con man who popped up twice in the Original Series to bedevil the straight-laced Captain Kirk. He was also an unrepentant sexist pig, who came dangerously close to owning female slaves. That sh*t don't fly here in our touchy-feely enlightened 2017. I'm honestly amazed anyone would even think of bringing back such a outdated character. 

Fourthly, is this new series gonna be filled with constant winks, nods and fan service like this? If so, they can count me out. Hey, remember Harry Mudd? Here he is again! 

The producers have already cast actor James Frain as Sarek of Vulcan, and there're rumors they may try and include a CGI Spock! At this point I fully expect the crew of the Discovery to beam down to a planet and literally bump into Doctor Evazan and Ponda Boba.

As for casting Rainn Wilson... eh, I'm not seeing it. If he absolutely has to be in the show, I think someone like Nick Frost would make a much better approximation of Mudd. 

I was also going to comment that Wilson is way too young to play Harry Mudd. But then I did a little googling, and was gobsmacked to find out just the opposite is true. Rainn Wilson is currently fifty one years old. Roger C. Carmel was only THIRTY FOUR when he first starred as Mudd in 1966.

Are you frakin' kidding me? That is a hard-looking thirty four indeed. I know people didn't take care of themselves in the 1960s like they do now, but Jesus Christ! I'd have guessed Carmel was close to fifty, if not older. Surely he must have lied about his date of birth in his official bio...

Suddenly I'm wondering if Rainn Wilson is too OLD to play Mudd!