The Secret Revealed!

Happy Force Friday II! What's Force Friday II, you ask? Why, just like the original Force Friday, it's the day Hasbro and other companies flood every retail establishment in the land with new Star Wars action figures, Legos, playsets, electronics, clothing and more. Best of all, this flood of brand new merchandise will be piled on top of all the stuff that was released two years ago, and is still collecting dust on store shelves everywhere. It's a virtual avalanche of Star Wars crap, er, I mean product! What a time to be alive

Among the many, many, many items being released today is this action figure of Supreme Leader Snoke, perched on his snazzy new throne. Ever since Snoke first appeared in The Force Awakens, fans have been trying to guess just who he is. Could he somehow be a resurrected Emperor Palpatine? A clone of Darth Vader? Harrison Ford's agent?

Welp, after examining this new figures, the answer's clear. With his sumptuous, luxurious golden robes, there's only one person Snoke can be— the Librarian seen in Attack Of The Clones! It's the only possible answer!

Star Wars: One Step Forward, Two Back

Have you seen the new trailer for Star Wars: Rogue One or Rogue One: A Star Wars Story or whatever it's called? I have to admit it looks pretty awesome, and much, much better than I expected. Disney's certainly done their research, and have recreated the look and feel of the Original Trilogy down to the smallest detail.

Rogue One is a prequel to A New Hope, and tells the tale of how the original Death Star plans were stolen by the Rebellion. You know, the plans that Princess Leia was delivering to Alderaan when she was captured by the Empire.

This is a story so vitally important that it was covered in the opening crawl of the first movie. If this particular element of the story was really that significant, then why wasn't it included in the original film to begin with?

Disney also recently announced they're making a Young Han Solo movie, which details the essential story of how he met Chewie and became a smuggler. An adventure that's so crucial to the saga that nothing about it was ever mentioned in any of Solo's four appearances.

George Lucas didn't include these elements in the Original Trilogy because he knew they weren't central to the movie he was making. It's called "in media res," which means "in the middle of things." You should always start your story in progress as much as possible— it's Writing 101. 

All the original Star Wars films used this technique. The Rebels already have the Death Star plans in hand at the beginning of A New Hope. How they got them isn't important. The Rebels have a new hidden base on Hoth as The Empire Strikes Back opens. We don't need to see them surveying hundreds of worlds until they find just the right one. Lando's already infiltrated Jabba's Palace at the beginning of The Return Of The Jedi. Lucas wisely skipped the scenes of Bib Fortuna interviewing Lando for a job.

These elements are all backstory. They're not critical to our understanding or enjoyment of the films.

I have a feeling we're going to see a lot more of this "strip mining" of the Original Trilogy in days to come. Disney paid FOUR BILLION DOLLARS to acquire Star Wars (and all Lucasfilm properties), and they want a return on that investment as quickly as possible. There's no way they're going to risk making a film with new ideas which might not resonate with the audience or dominate the box office. 

So instead of moving forward with brand new adventures, they're looking backward. They're examining every nook and cranny of the already established Star Wars Universe, scouring them for any tiny detail or offhand remark they can develop into a new film.

Plus, since these new films are both prequels to the Original Trilogy, I can't imagine they'll contain many surprises. We know the Rebels will successfully steal the plans in Rogue One, because Leia has them in A New Hope. And no matter how much trouble Han and Chewie get into in Young Han Solo, they're in absolutely no danger of being killed. So what's the point?

Don't be surprised if we get a prequel showing us Admiral Akbar's early life on Mon Cala, and how he became a trusted leader in the Rebel fleet. Remember Mon Mothma's classic line "Many Bothans died to bring us this information?" Expect Disney to announce a Bothan movie any day now.

One could argue that The Force Awakens was a step forward, and managed to move the story ahead a bit. While that's true, it was also a virtual remake of A New Hope, duplicating that film's elements and structure almost to the letter. There's no denying that Disney's new Star Wars films are rooted firmly in the past. 

It's one (slight) step forward, two back. Way, way back.

That's No Moon: A Field Guide To The Imperial Super Weapons Of Star Wars

When it comes to the Galactic Empire and its offspring the First Order, bigger is always better! Why simply build a fleet of heavily-armed warships capable of engaging enemies on multiple fronts, when they can sink all their capital and resources into one massive, impractical and highly vulnerable super weapon?

With all their various Death Whosits and Star Whatsits, it's hard to tell them apart without a program!

Here's a handy guide to the Imperial Super Weapons Of Star Wars.

First up of course is the granddaddy of them all, the Death Star. Despite its relatively small size, the original Death Star had enough firepower to destroy an entire planet, which it demonstrated on the peaceful world of Alderaan.

Unfortunately for the Empire and the crew of the Death Star, it had a minor, yet fatal design flaw— a small exhaust port connected directly to the station's main reactor. This led to a catastrophic failure caused by a single, incredibly lucky blaster shot. It was destroyed by Luke Skywalker at the Battle Of Yavin.

Undaunted by this minor setback, the Empire simply picked themselves up, dusted themselves off and built a second, even larger Death Star. Even though it apparently took two decades or so to construct the first one, the Death Star II was seemingly built in just three short years (perhaps the Empire secretly had a head start on it). 

Like the original, the Death Star II also had the power to destroy entire planets. Its powerful super laser was fully operational even though the station was still under construction. 

The original station's design flaw was corrected in the Death Star II. Unfortunately it had an entirely new set of defects. Due to its unfinished state, it had no protective shields of its own. One would think that would have been a top priority, even ahead of the super laser, but one would be wrong. Instead the station was enveloped by a protective field beamed directly from a massive shield generator on the nearby forest moon of Endor. 

The Rebellion was able to knock out the shield generator and a squadron of small fighter ships, led by Lando Calrissian, entered the interior of the Death Star II. The fighters then targeted the main reactor, destroying the station. This apparently led to the downfall of the Empire.

Thirty years later, the sinister First Order rose from the ashes of the Empire. Never ones to let a good idea go to waste, this plucky band of fascists somehow obtained the material, personnel and most amazingly, the capital to construct yet another, even more humongous super weapon— Starkiller Base.

Starkiller Base was a mobile ice planet (no, really!) that was partially hollowed out and fitted with a massive energy weapon. There was also a large complex on the planet's surface that housed hundreds of thousands of First Order troops.

It was, in effect, the Death Star III, or the Death Planet, if you will.

Starkiller Base traveled from system to system, where it would drain the primary sun, storing its energy in colossal batteries in the planet's core. It would then release this energy as a highly destructive beam that traveled through sub-hyperspace, whatever the hell that is, to its intended target. Instead of simply destroying one planet at a time, Starkiller Base was capable of wiping out entire solar systems.

Naturally a weapon of this size was not without its defects. The entire planet was protected by a shield powerful enough to deflect any bombardment, however, a ship with a skilled pilot could exit hyperspace inside the shield. The shield control system was easy to override and deactivate, allowing a larger squadron of ships to approach and attack.

Since a small planet couldn't possibly accommodate the enormous energy of an entire sun, naturally the Base used a thermal oscillator to generate a containment field large enough to store it. The inevitable destruction of this oscillator caused Starkiller Base to implode.

One would think that after all these setbacks, the First Order would realize the folly of constructing these costly and wildly impractical and easily destroyed super weapons. Apparently the First Order, like the Empire before them, had a flair for the dramatic.

After the destruction of Starkiller Base, the First Order began construction on the Death Solar System. This super weapon consisted of a gargantuan Central Star, some 800,000 miles wide, orbited by a series of seven smaller Death Planets, forming an artificial solar system 3.6 billion miles in diameter. Oddly enough construction of this enormous weapon took just under five years. Perhaps First Order commander Kylo Ren found "new ways to motivate" his men.

The Death Solar System was mobile, and could move freely through hyperspace and pop up anywhere in the galaxy. Like the super weapons before it, its power was exponentially greater than its already vast size. The combined firepower of its Central and Planet Stars was capable of destroying hundreds of enemy solar systems at the same time.

It was destroyed when the Resistance boarded the outer Planet Star and took control of it, targeting the enormous Central Star and causing a chain reaction which destroyed the entire system.

Thirsting for revenge, the First Order upped their ante considerably and immediately began construction on the ridiculously huge Death Galaxy.

They replaced their home galaxy's central core with a gargantuan Death Star a thousand light years across. From its central position, the Death Galaxy's ultra laser could draw power from the hundred billion stars around it, unleashing a beam powerful enough to destroy a good section of the known universe.

Unfortunately for the First Order, this time they were defeated by their own hubris. The first time the Death Galaxy was activated, a faulty baffle plate erupted. This caused a massive black hole to form, which sucked the entire Death Galaxy into a parallel universe in another dimension.

Stranded in an alien dimension, the tattered remnants of the First Order began a final, last-gasp attempt at complete and total domination. They used the last of their resources to convert known space into the ultimate super weapon— the Death Universe. 

The Death Universe was massive, inconceivably huge base that encompassed all of reality. It could drain power from the billions of galaxies within it, and fire a beam capable of destroying entire universes in other dimensions. 

Kylo Ren intended to use the vast station's inter-dimensional super laser to target the universe housing the Resistance and be done with them once and for all. But as with all the First Order's super weapons, this one was also easily destroyed. 

Rey, Finn and the droid BB-8, members of the Resistance, flew their Millennium Falcon into a third parallel dimension, one that had also been turned into a Death Universe. They then simply aimed this station's super laser at Kylo Ren's Death Universe, destroying him and the First Order forever.

I hope you've enjoyed this Field Guide To The Imperial Super Weapons Of Star Wars. You'll have to excuse me as I duck out the back window, as I hear a group of Disney lawyers pounding on my front door.

3PO Got Back!

This week Sideshow Toys released a really nifty 1/6 scale C-3PO action figure. It looks suitably awesome, but I won't be buying it. Unfortunately my money's already earmarked for stupid things like food and shelter.

Anyhow, check out this photo of everyone's favorite golden droid. Even though the character's been around for almost forty years, this is the first time I've ever noticed 3PO's magnificently sculpted ass cheeks!

Looks like someone's been hitting the gym!

Rogue One - Audience Zero

Now that Star Wars: The Force Awakens is a certified mega-hit and has grossed a flajillion dollars at the box office, Disney's begun releasing a few details about their upcoming stream of never-ending spinoff films.

First up is Rogue One, directed by Gareth Edwards. He previously directed Monsters and the 2014 Godzilla. The film is scheduled for release in December 2016.

This week plot details for Rogue One finally emerged. According to Disney:

Rogue One is set sometime before Star Wars: A New Hope, and revolves around a band of rebels and bounty hunters who unite to steal the plans for the first Death Star.

Phew! Thank the Maker! For a minute there I was afraid we were going to get a new Star Wars film that didn't somehow involve the Death Star, or a Death Star-like super weapon. The world has dodged a bullet today, my friends! Crisis averted!

Um… don't we already know how this movie's going to end? It's obvious the Rogue One cast will successfully steal the Death Star plans, since A New Hope opens with Princess Leia desperately trying to deliver them to Alderaan. How the plans were stolen isn't important. If it was the story would have already been told.

The same thing goes for Disney's upcoming Han Solo spinoff, set to release in 2018. Like Rogue One, it'll be a prequel, presumably telling the story of a younger Han Solo before we met him in A New Hope. We don't need to see Han's childhood or awkward teen years, or how he hooked up with Chewbacca. We learned everything we needed to know about the character the minute he first appeared onscreen back in 1977.

So what's the point? Why spend millions making a movie about a minor plot point that everyone can figure out for themselves? 

This digging into the distant past of a franchise is called story mining, and it's completely unnecessary, even dangerous. George Lucas found that out the hard way with the Prequels. He came up with a lame origin story for the mysterious Boba Fett that was met with outright hostility by fans. 

Not every story needs to be told. Some things are better left to the imagination.

But this is Disney we're talking about, and they don't just want most of the money, they want ALL of it. They're going to keep pumping out these movies and they'll keep grossing billions until there's no more money left.

Actually I'm not so sure about that. By its very nature Rogue One will feature a cast of brand new characters. New favorites like Rey and Finn can't be in it, because the movie's set before they were born. I doubt it'll feature any old characters like Luke or Han either, unless they're played by younger actors. The only familiar face that might show up would be a CGI de-aged Leia, who'll appear at the end to receive the stolen plans.

A Star Wars movie without any beloved characters is an extremely risky move, and as we all know, Disney doesn't like risk. It'll be interesting to see if the public flocks to a movie filled with unknown characters and a plot they've already seen. Ah, who am I kidding— I just described The Force Awakens! Rogue One will make 'em another billion. Disney might as well start construction on a new money bin!

The Force Awakens, Rolls Over And Goes Back To Sleep

Welp, here you go: it's the new Star Wars: The Force Awakens poster that's causing much soiling of clothing throughout fandom.

I'm sad to see that it appears to be yet another Photoshopped collage rather than a painting by artist Drew Struzan. In the past couple of decades Struzan became the go-to Star Wars artist, illustrating the posters for the Special Editions as well as all three of the Prequels. There's absolutely no reason why they couldn't have used him here. Especially since it looks like they were trying to ape Struzan's style and sense of composition here.

Is... is that some sort of planet sized weapon in the upper right corner? If so, what an ingenious and imaginative idea! We've certainly never seen the bad guys use something like that in any of these movies before!

SPOILERS AHEAD, AS I DISCUSS PLOT POINTS AND THEORIES! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!

The poster crams a whopping fourteen characters into it, but fans have noticed one conspicuous absence... namely one Mr. Luke Skywalker. 

We know for a fact that actor Mark Hamill is in the film, so it does seem a bit odd that he's nowhere to be seen on the poster.

Or is he? Actually he is in it. That's him right there in the upper left corner. Well, that's my theory anyway.

If you watch the newest trailer (that everyone is also soiling themselves over), there's a shot of new character Kylo Ren. He's seen wearing a very Vader-like mask and has a deep, electronically distorted voice. 

It's Movie Making 101— any time a character wears a mask, his true identity is supposed to shock and surprise the audience. So what could be more shocking then to have Kylo Ren whip off his mask and reveal he's really Luke Skywalker? And if he's not Luke, then what the hell's the point of hiding the identify of a character the audience has never seen before?

Kylo also stares at the burned remnants of Darth Vader's helmet and says, "Nothing will stop us now. I will finish what you started." This implies he's got some sort of connection with Vader. Again, Luke fills that requirement.

Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree in the forest on the other side of town, but it makes sense to me, and seems like something director JJ Abrams would do. We'll find out in December if I'm right.

NOTE: Several people have pointed out to me that actor Adam Driver is playing Kylo Ren, and has even been seen on set unmasked. Fair enough. But JJ Abrams also swore an oath that Benedict Cumberbatch wasn't playing Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness, and we all know how that turned out.

I've been a huge Star Wars fan from 1977 to 1999. That's the point where the Prequels killed my enthusiasm for the entire franchise. I'm hoping this movie will be so amazing and awesome that it'll rekindle my love for all things Star Wars, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

First of all I have absolutely zero confidence in JJ Abrams as a director. I liked his earlier works such as Cloverfield and Super 8 OK, but he lost me forever with his dreadful Star Trek Into Darkness.

Secondly, everything I've seen so far from this new film is a rehash of what's gone before. Everything.

We've got yet another desert planet, and another cute robot that speaks in beeps and boops.

We've got armies of Stormtroopers in slightly altered armor.

There are even updated Snowtroopers in the film as well, just like in The Empire Strikes Back.

There are TIE Fighters, but in a burst of creativity, they've now got red markings on them. So they're totally different than the ones we've seen before, right? Right?

We've got a star destroyer bridge that looks pretty much identical to the ones in the Original Trilogy.

TIE Fighters chase the Millennium Falcon through familiar canyons and debris...

We've got X-Wings that look just like the ones from the older films.

As well as X-Wing pilots with customized helmets.

There's even another snow planet! And... is that some sort of trench dug into the surface? Jesus Christ, are you kidding me? A trench? Gosh, I bet there's no way X-Wings and TIE Fighters will chase one another in the closed confines of those narrow walls!

See? Everything in the new trailer has an analog in the earlier films. It's like they're hedging their bets. "If they liked this stuff in the Original Trilogy, they'll love it with a new coat of paint slapped on it here!"

I know this is blasphemy, but to quote many Star Wars characters, "I have a bad feeling about this."