This Week In Off-Putting Fast Food Sandwiches

This week Burger King Japan upped the ante in the highly completive world of Ill-Advised And Off-Putting Fast Food Concoctions, with their new Aka Burger.

The Aka Burger ("aka" meaning "red" in Japanese) uses tomato powder to produce its eye-searing color. Lord knows what's in the cheese to make it look like that. It also comes slathered with a so-called "Angry Sauce," made of red pepper, miso paste and Chinese chili bean sauce.

If you think this "angry" burger looks alarming now, wait till you look in your toilet bowl the day after eating one! Eh? Amirite?

(At this point Bob squirms in his chair and gnashes his teeth, wrestling with an internal struggle as he ponders whether he should post an image of a bloody toilet bowl here, to hammer home his point. In the end he succumbs to decorum and good taste, and chooses not to do so, instead letting the audience use their imaginations to picture the scene)

If for some unfathomable reason you're interested (and are planning a trip to Japan), the Aka Burger is available in either Samurai Beef or Samurai Chicken, and goes on sale July 3. You know, I could see an American marketing agency coming up with a name as stupid as "Samurai Beef," but it seems odd that the Japanese would call it that themselves. Maybe they've just thrown in the towel and accepted the fact that everyone in the world believes all Japanese know karate and are either ninjas or samurai. 

The Aka Burger isn't the first ill-advised sandwich cooked up by Burger King Japan. Last year they released their equally off-putting Kuro Burger, complete with a sinister looking black bun and topped with a floor mat-like slice of inexplicably black cheese.

Maybe next year they'll really lose their minds and try a normal looking burger fit for human consumption.

This Is Why Your MuuMuu Doesn't Fit: Carl's Jr. Most American Thickburger

Last week fast food giant Carl's Jr. revealed their latest pants-bursting sandwich, the Most American Thickburger. Mmm-mmmm! Just look at that appetizing concoction. Yum! Oh wait, did I say "yum?" Sorry, I meant, "excuse me while I vomit into my wastebasket."

The horrifying new burger features the standard burger accouterments— a beef patty, cheese, lettuce, tomato and pickles. But it doesn't stop there! This is America, after all. The burger also includes a layer of thick, glistening hot dogs and inexplicably, a substratum of potato chips. Because lord knows, why waste time eating three different foods separately when you can combine them into one appalling mound and stuff it down your craw all at once?

Why stop with hot dogs and chips? Why not insert french fries into the bun, and mash the whole thing into a large cup of soda?

The Most American Thickburger clocks in at a stupefying 1,080 calories. Add a large coke and fries and you're up to around 2,400 hundred calories, which is close to the amount the average adult should consume in a day. 

It might not be so bad if this is all a person ate for the entire day, but we all know that's not going to happen.

According to Andy Puzder, chief executive officer of the Carl's Jr. parent company, the Most American Thickburger is designed to appeal to "young, hungry guys." Notice that he didn't mention people with dignity, self esteem and taste.

Said Puzder, "People love these big, juicy, indulgent burgers. We know who we are and we know how to appeal to our customers."

When criticized for contributing to America's obesity epidemic, Puzder defended the burger by saying, "My job isn’t to dictate to people what to eat. My job is to figure out what people want and sell it to them." 

Wow. That sounds remarkably like what cigarette company executives say when they try to justify selling cancer causing products to the public.

Amazingly the Most American Thickburger comes in 1/2 and 1/3 pound sizes, and will set you back around $6. New, larger pants and diabetes medicine not included.

Have It No Way

This week McDonald's of China unveiled this repulsive monstrosity: The Sausage Double Beef Burger. It features two appalling sausages (that are going to squirt across the room like the remnants of greased pigs they are the minute you bite into the sandwich) and two off-putting, glistening burger patties, all topped with mustard and stuffed between some kind of pretzel bun. It sells for 17.50 yuan ($2.82 American dollars).

I can think of only one reason for the existence of this revolting monstrosity. Our government, spooked by recent reports of a Chinese military buildup, knows we could never hope to defeat them in a war. To that end, they've decided to preemptively attack them in the only way Americans know: with food.

Our government obviously turned to McDonald's for help with Operation: Lazy Dragon. The goal: unleash this dietary nightmare on the Chinese and turn them into a country of 1.3 billion morbidly obese diabetics who'll be too tired to ever attack us.

Well played, America. And McDonald's.

When I visited China a few years ago, 99.9% of the population was slender, fit and active. The fattest person I saw there was maybe 15 pounds overweight. 20 at the absolute most. I saw people who looked like they were at least a hundred years old walking around under their own power. I didn't see a single person riding a mobility scooter because they were massive enough to have their own gravitational field.

Everyone in China ate constantly, but they ate healthy delicious food and they walked pretty much everywhere they needed to go. It honestly disgusts me that we're injecting this nauseating and repellant shite into their unsuspecting society. I hope this product, and Chinese fast food in general, dies a swift and painful death. But I ain't holding my breath.