World's Greatest Police Sketch Part 2

This week law enforcement agents in Normal, Illinois released this actual police artist sketch of a suspect they believe committed two armed robberies in the area. 

The suspect is described as male, between 5-foot-9 and 6-feet tall with a thin to medium build and between 25 and 35 years old.

Additionally the suspect appears to be a smooth, half-formed, nearly featureless simulacrum of a human being, perhaps the result of some sort of forbidden genetic or alien experiment. He is devoid of hair of any kind, with crudely sketched eyebrows that appear to have been drawn on with a Sharpie. He also has beady, rat-like eyes, a lipless gash of a mouth, a disturbingly small chin and an unsettling neck wattle. Or perhaps it's a ghastly neck wound; it's really kind of hard to tell. Something's going on with his neck, that's for sure. There's probably even some sort of exposed pulsating brain throbbing just underneath that hoodie too.

If you see this suspect, police officials ask that you please do all you can to suppress the normal human urge to kill it with fire and stove its head in with a shovel and instead contact their office immediately.

Although the alleged perpetrator acted alone, police have reason to believe he may be working in conjunction with this suspect.

Normal police have also released these startling surveillance photos of the suspect, in the hope they'll help the public recognize the perpetrator..

Jesus Jetskiing Christ, are you kidding me? 99% of the population is walking around with phones in their hands that can take 10 megapixel photos, and we're using cameras like these for security?

Mack Sennet used better quality cameras when he filmed the Keystone Cops in the 1910s. I've seen clearer photos of UFOs and Bigfoot!

What's In A Name?

This week office supply chain Office Depot announced they're buying rival office supply chain Office Max, sending shockwaves throughout the industry.

This merger will have far-reaching consequences nationwide and I'll no doubt even feel the repercussions right in my own home. With Office Max out of the picture, where am I supposed to purchase my office supplies? I'll only have Office Depot, Staples, Target, Walmart, Hobby Lobby, Michaels, Jo-Ann Fabrics & Crafts and all the various grocery and independently owned stationery stores left in the area. Oh, and the internet. This merger is going to severely limit everyone's office supply choices.

Many are wondering what this newly merged entity will be called. I've taken the liberty of piecing together a few of the most likely choices:

The easiest path would be to keep the current Office Depot name intact, but cobble it together from the existing corporate logos. The Office Depot management might not appreciate the Office Max half of the logo appearing first though... 

Let's try it the other way around. Advantage: the Office Depot half of the logo now appears first. Disadvantage: Eh, it's now the name of the losing team. Probably not gonna fly with the suits upstairs.

Now we're talking! This design keeps elements of both logos (for legacy purposes) and there'll be no doubt as to what kind of store it is! No CEO on either side could argue with that logic!

This one's my personal favorite. It's got a kind of film noir-ish quality, like the name of a hard-boiled, take no guff detective. Of course it doesn't tell you anything about what they sell, but since when has the name of a store ever had to indicate what's sold inside (I'm looking at you, "Best Buy").

I have a gut feeling though that you'll be seeing this sign in front of all Office Depots come this time next year...

The Walking Dead Season 3, Episode 10: Home

SPOILERS!

• We get Crazy Rick again this week, as he actually walks right out of the prison (leaving the gates wide open) and into the woods beyond, lured there by Ghost Lori.

• Did Crazy Rick contract the hantavirus this week? With his pale, clammy appearance he looks more diseased than crazy. He'd better be careful or he's going to be mistaken for a walker.

• Why is TV Michonne pulling guard duty in this episode? Last week Rick said as soon as she was healed he wanted her gone. Did the others ignore his wishes? Did Crazy Rick not notice she's still there? Did I miss an episode in which there was a reconciliation? Did we skip a reel?

• Speaking of TV Michonne, I had to laugh when she peeked around the bus and saw Rick standing in the swamp making out with his invisible ghost wife.

• Speaking of TV Michonne again, I actually liked her this week. She managed to act somewhat like a human being instead of a snarling, cornered animal. She even said a complete sentence instead of growling out a one-word answer, and offered to help the group. See, writers? It's not that hard to write TV Michonne as a human being.

• Aw, Daryl's so cute when he spits just like his big brother!

• The Daryl/Merle subplot felt a bit rushed to me. It would have been better if their storyline had played out over an entire episode. Or maybe not. A whole hour of the two of them yelling at one another could have got old real quick.

• Did anyone NOT think Merle would eventually end up at the prison?

• TV Andrea continues to vex me. This week the Governor gives her a half-baked excuse about how he tried to keep his zombie daughter "alive" in the hope that Milton could somehow bring her back (he must think Milton is freakin' god or Dr. Frankenstein!). TV Andrea seems to accept this lame answer hook, line and sinker.

OK, so we'll give him the benefit of the doubt regarding Penny. But what about the tanks full of zombie heads? What possible excuse could he offer for those? And why doesn't TV Andrea bring it up?

• Later TV Andrea can't find the Governor and asks Milton where he is. Milton sputters and stammers in a way that would make Woody Allen proud, saying he thinks he "went on a run." This doesn't raise any red flags in TV Andrea's mind. Nah, he's just on a supply run. He couldn't possibly be heading toward the prison for revenge.

• Axel! What R U Doing? Axel! Stahp! Dammit Axel, you know better than to talk about your back story on this show. Every time someone starts doing so they get a bullet to the head five minutes later. You asked for this.
 
• If nothing else, Axel made an awesome human shield for Carol.

• So every one of the five prisoners Team Rick encountered at the beginning of the season (which seems like it started a couple years ago) is now dead. Prior to meeting Rick and Co. the prisoners had it pretty good-- they were protected from zombies, they had plenty of supplies and no one messed with them. Then Rick shows up and in less than a month they're all slaughtered (at least two by Rick himself!) This only confirms my theory that Rick Grimes is the devil, spreading death and despair wherever he goes.

• Where the hell is Tyreese and his crew in this episode? Did the writers forget about them? Last week after Crazy Rick had his hissy fit, Tyreese politely excused himself and slowly backed out of the room with his gang. Did they run back to their cell, grab their stuff, say, "Screw this sh*t!" and take their chances back in the wild?

• How did the Governor's sniper get up on the prison tower? Did I miss something?

• Once again, TV Michonne is awesome as she dispatches a couple hundred walkers singlehandedly. If only she could be that awesome when she's not killing something.

• I think the Governor should have waited a week or so before attacking. It would have ratcheted up the tension in the prison as they waited, wondering just when his retaliation would come. His attack seemed a bit rushed.

• Merle let a tiny bit of humanity show through the cracks in his asshole facade when he said he can't go back to the prison because he tried to kill Michonne and Glenn. I doubt Merle's ever going to become a sympathetic character, but it was nice touch to see that he's not as cold as he'd like everyone to believe.

By the way, Merle's mistaking Glenn as Chinese rather than Korean and answering "Whatever!" is a callback to the first season, when Daryl made the exact same mistake. A hint that Merle's racist attitude might be softening?

• It was interesting to see Merle's reaction to his little brother finally standing up to him.

• The scene in which Merle accidentally pulled Daryl's shirt off and saw the whippin' scars on his back (and realized that after he left, Daryl became their father's target) was also well done.

• So Merle AND Daryl had planned to rob the group of supplies back in Atlanta, before Rick joined them. Interesting.

• The Governor's crew and Team Rick both need some target practice. Both sides shot off several thousand rounds with only two casualties.

Expect lots of yelling and screaming next week as Merle moves into the prison!

Missed Us By THAT Much...

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your feelings toward our sewer of a world), the rogue asteroid was pretty small, less than a football field in length. Even if it had plowed into the Earth it would only have vaporized a city or two. It wouldn't have wiped out our entire sorry civilization.

Mystery Solved!

For the past few months the internet has been abuzz over the new J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie. Fans the world over are furiously speculating as to the identity of the movie's terrifying and powerful new villain, played menacingly by Benedict Cumberbatch. 

Abrams has been frustratingly coy though as to the actual identity of the character (no doubt generating tons of publicity for the film). Who could he be? Most fans believe it's Khan, the role made famous by actor Ricardo Montalban. Others believe its Gary Mitchell, a crewman from the second TV pilot who gained the powers of a god. Some are convinced it's an entirely new character.

I say nuts to all those theories! I've finally figured out the identity of the mystery villain. Forget Khan! Wipe Mitchell out of your mind. Benedict Cumberbatch is playing none other than:

Adam, the hot-pantsed, hip-booted space hippy from the 1969 episode The Way To Eden!

Just look at him. How could he not be the new villain? He's a dead ringer for Cumberbatch! All you doubters, just you wait and see come this May! When Cumberbatch struts onto the screen in his leather hip boots, you'll be apologizing all over yourselves.

Linkin' Lincoln

Today Yahoo posted an illuminating article explaining the cryptic titles of this year's Oscar nominated films.

Take for example, the 2012 film Lincoln. Did you know that its baffling title actually refers to the 16th president of the United States and the movie is about his life and times? Finally! I've been puzzling over that title for weeks now. Thank you, Yahoo!

We're very near the end of civilization...

Bosses From The Eighth Circle Of Hell: Ear Drops

Throughout my career I've prided myself on working hard, performing what's asked of me to the best of my ability and being an all-around good employee. I've also done my best to get along with my various bosses.

Alas, sometimes that's just not possible. Sometimes you end up with a Boss From The Eighth Circle Of Hell.

Back in the 1990s I worked at a marketing agency for a rather colorful Boss.

Every now and then the Boss would come into the graphic designer's room with a bottle of ear drops in his hand and suddenly lay his head down on the desk of a startled and unwitting employee. He would then plaintively bleat, "Will you put these drops in my ear for me?"

Yeah. That happened. 

I could almost understand if it had been eye drops. I myself have a lot of trouble getting eye drops to actually go into my eye. I always manage to blink at the last second and end up with the medicine running down my face like I've been crying for an hour. But ear drops? What the hell's so hard about putting in ear drops? Last time I checked your ears don't blink or involuntarily snap shut.

Please note that he never pulled this stunt on me, thank Thor, nor any other male in the department. He only tried this with the women of the office. Most of them would shrink away from him in revulsion and run to the ladies room, but one or two of them actually put the drops in his ear for him. The only reason this Boss' antics didn't cause us all to have to sit in the conference room watching sexual harassment videos every week is because we didn't have a human resource department at that place.

When Meteors Are Outlawed...

February 15, 2013

• Dateline: Central Russia. A meteor explodes over the Ural Mountain region in the early morning hours, the shockwave blowing out windows, damaging buildings and injuring over 1,200 people.

• Dateline: Planet Earth. Asteroid 2013 DA14 comes within a scant 17,000 miles of Earth; lower than even our communication satellites.

• Dateline: Northern California. A large meteor streaked through the skies of the northern portion of the state during the early evening.

Three separate attacks in one day.

Clearly this planet needs stricter meteor control laws... 

This Seems Like More Hansel And Gretel Movies Than Is Necessary

Currently playing in theaters is the film Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. It's a big, dumb, goofy, outrageous but fun movie all about a grown up Hansel and Gretel who make a living hunting down and killing witches. I'll be giving it a proper review soon.

Fairy tales for adults are hot right now, and Hollywood was so impressed with this high-concept idea that studios immediately sprang into action, churning out no less than four Hansel and Gretel as adults rip-offs, er, I mean homages. Seriously, four.

Leading the charge of course is The Asylum studio. They wasted no time in coming out with their own same-name direct-to-dvd version in order to confuse dull-witted consumers into purchasing it, thinking it's the theatrical version (which of course is their entire business model).

Unlike the theatrical version, this film is set in modern times. This adult Hansel & Gretel work in a bakery run by a woman who's secretly a witch (played by Dee Wallace). Oh, sorry-- SPOILERS!

Another Hansel and Gretel film set in the present day. This time the pair are teens sent to a mysterious boarding school where the other students and the teachers are secretly witches.

If nothing else, let's give a big round of applause to this film for having the courage to list right there on the cover the names Fivel and Booboo Stewart for everyone to see. Oddly enough, Fivel is the girl and Booboo is the guy. For some inexplicable reason the two play characters named Ella and Jonah in the movie. This makes me suspect that the film has little or nothing to do with the Hansel and Gretel tale and was renamed at the last second as a less than subtle cash-grab.

It also stars Eric Roberts, so you know you're in for some good acting. If you want to see some first class emoting go look up the 1996 Doctor Who TV movie, in which Roberts played The Master. You'll be glad you did. Just be sure to sweep the floor first because your jaw will be hitting it.

The film also stars Judy Norton for some unfathomable reason. If you grew up in the 1970s you'll know that Norton played Mary Ellen on The Waltons. To quote Obi-Wan: "Now that's a name I haven't heard in a lonnnnng time. A long time."

Maybe she's hoping to throw off her wholesome Waltons image again, like the time she posed for Playboy back in 1985.

And then we have Witchslayer Gretl. No idea what's up with her name here; if I had to guess I'd say maybe that's the original Germanic spelling? Finally, a ripoff that takes place in the proper ancient setting. In this film, an adult Hansel returns to the haunted forest to seek revenge on the witch who killed his beloved sister Gretl. But surprise! Gretl's still alive and has become the evil witch's protege! Take that, Hansel!

This was actually a TV movie, and you just know it premiered on Siffy. Er, I mean SyFy. It's got their greasy fingerprints all over it.

Kudos to the filmmakers I suppose for having the courage to hire Shannon Doherty. Not everyone would have the stamina and resolve for such an undertaking. And yes, her eyes still aren't even close to being level.

And then there's this, which is allegedly a theatrical release, supposedly coming sometime this year. How much do you want to bet it'll be late?

This is apparently another modern update of the story, in which a brother and sister battle a witch who lures teens into her suburban home with marijuana, then kills and eats them to preserve her youth. I'm laughing uncontrollably already.

Lara Flynn Boyle stars as the witch who's murdering to preserve her youth, which seems poignantly appropriate.

The poster art claims the movie's from the Producer of Twilight. You know, The Producer. The guy whose name has become a household word, symbolizing quality. They don't even have to print his name, he's so famous. He produced the hell out of Twilight so well that you just know this movie's gonna be good. I don't even bother seeing a movie unless The Producer produced it.

So if you're the type who just can't get enough of the classic Hansel and Gretel tale, and have been asking yourself "What happens next?" then get thee to the video store.

The Walking Dead Season 3, Episode 9: The Suicide King

Well, The Walking Dead's back after a nine month hiatus. OK, so it wasn't that long, but it seems like it.

The first half of Season 3 was a non-stop roller coaster ride of action, suspense, death and gore-- everything that makes the show great. Unfortunately none of that is on display in this episode. One would think they'd want to kick off the start of the second half with a bang, rather than the whimper we got here. 

Most of the events in this episode went nowhere and felt like stall tactics. Daryl leaves with Merle, but we all know he's gonna be back. Rick tells Michonne she has to leave as soon as she's healed, but we know she's not going anywhere. Rick also refuses to let Tyrone's group in and we know that's not gonna happen either. They're all story lines that have no real purpose other than existing long enough to be resolved in time for the big Season 3 finale. 

• I am definitely not a fan of these prolonged mid-season breaks that are infesting current TV series. It might not be so bad in a series that features stand-alone episodes, but it's death when a serialized show does it. It destroys any and all momentum in the storyline. It's dangerous for a series too. When my favorite show isn't on for a while I find other things to do to occupy my time. When it finally comes back, I may or may not have the time to start watching it again.

Plus I barely remember what happened in the previous episode all those months ago. Something about running away from zombies, some woman hatched a dragon out of an egg, I think Matthew and Lady Mary finally got together, and wasn't there something about a smoke monster?

• The plot, in a nutshell: After last year's big cliffhanger, Merle and Daryl got out of their jam (to no one's surprise) and were rescued by Rick and Maggie. Rick refused to let Merle into the prison, so Daryl decided to take off with his brother. Rick is introduced to Tyreese, but refuses to let his group stay because he freaks out and starts seeing Lori, who's apparently found a way to nag him from beyond the grave.

• I'll say it again: no one plays an asshole better than Michael Rooker. Two minutes after he's been rescued from seeming death he's cracking jokes and demeaning his saviors.

• I'm becoming increasingly disappointed with TV Michonne. The comic book version of her is absolutely awesome and I was very excited when she finally popped up in the series. Unfortunately the TV version is nothing like her comic counterpart. TV Michonne is nothing more than a one note, snarling and growling asshole who acts more like a feral child raised by wolves than a human being. It pains me to say it, but at this point she's become less likable than Merle. Hell, I think I actually like Merle more. He's an asshole too, but at least he's a personable asshole.

• After Rick and Co. return to the prison we see Carol comforting Axel. It took me a minute to figure out why Axel was so upset-- it's because his pal Oscar was just killed in the raid on Woodbury. You know, the raid that happened an hours ago for the characters but three months ago for the audience. A perfect example of why these interminable mid-season breaks are a bad idea.

• Speaking of Axel, why is Herschel allowing his daughter Beth to walk around unescorted with him? Surely Carol would have told him to keep an eye on Axel after witnessing his skeevy advances toward Beth sometime last year. Did they sit him down and tell him how disappointed they were in him, and he promised to never do it again?

• Kudos to whoever's doing the cgi work on Herschel. If I didn't know better I'd really believe he'd lost a leg.

• I continue to be puzzled by TV Andrea and her actions. Her new boyfriend the Governor forces Daryl to fight for his life against a group of walkers. She finds out he tortured Glenn and Maggie inside Woodbury. And then he tells her that she doesn't mean anything to him because she hasn't made a commitment to the town. This is all in addition to her finding out he was keeping a zombie daughter chained up in his apartment, along with a bunch of fish tanks full of undead heads. And she STILL doesn't leap over the wall and get the hell out of Woodbury! I honestly don't understand where the writers are going with her character. At this point I really don't care what happens to TV Andrea. 

• Credit where credit's due: I'll say one thing for TV Andrea-- she's a hell of a motivational speaker. After the zombie attack the residents of Woodbury are in a state of panic, and rightly so. They're ready to flee the town and take their chances on the outside. Andrea completely calms the frazzled nerves of the mob with just a few seconds of lame platitudes.

• I liked the little moment between Herschel and Glenn, in which he tells him he considers him his son. We need more moments like that between (in between all the kill shots) if we're supposed to feel anything toward these characters.

The moment between Carol and dead-eyed preteen Carl was also well done.

• I'm assuming the shadowy figure of Ghost Lori was really played by Sarah Wayne Callies, since she was still listed in the opening credits.

• If I was Tyreese and I'd just witnessed Rick's little meltdown I would forget the idea of staying in the prison, gather my belongings and say, "Well, thanks for the food and medicine, but we don't want to overstay our welcome! Bye, guys! You keep in touch, you hear? We'll have to get together for lunch one of these days, OK? Bye!"

• I'm hopeful that this episode isn't a taste of what's to come for the rest of the season and the story ramps up again next week!

It's All In The Title

This week NBC announced they're canceling their new medical drama Do No Harm after just two extremely low-rated episodes. The series premiere could only manage an anemic rating of .9 (which somehow adds up to just 3.1 million viewers), making it the lowest rated season opener in the history of network television. Congratulations!

If you ask me, what torpedoed this series wasn't poor writing or mediocre acting. It was the title. The extremely misleading and uninformative title. When I say Do No Harm, which of the following do you think of?

A.  A series about an idealistic young female doctor who travels to the big city to become a resident and learns that healing the soul is just as important as healing the body.

B.  A show about a former soldier of fortune who turns over a new leaf and travels the world trying to right the wrongs he's committed.

C.  The story of a neurosurgeon who, every night at precisely 8:25 pm, transforms into an evil personality in a modern take on the Jekyll and Hyde story.

If you picked A or B then you're a reasonable person with an ordered and logical mind. You're also dead wrong. Believe it or not Do No Harm was about a mild-mannered doctor who transforms into a Mr. Hyde type character.

Who would ever look at that title and think, "Ah, Do No Harm. That's obviously a modern Jekyll and Hyde tale. I'm intrigued!" No one, that's who! No wonder nobody watched the poor show. I might have actually been interested in a (well-written) Jekyll and Hyde series, but I'd never know one existed if I saw that title in the listings. Whoever came up with that cockamamie title needs a good firing. Stat!

Surely there was something, anything else they could have named the thing. Heck, here's a list of better titles just off the top of my head:

• Dr. Jekyll, I Presume
• Paging Dr. Jekyll
• Dr. Jekyll, MD.  Mr. Hyde, er, not MD
• Two Doctors, One Body

• Doctor Jekyll, Medicine Woman

• I'm Jekyll, He's Finster

• Dr. Kill-Dare

• EMERGENCY! (may already be taken)

• J*E*K*Y*L*L

• Diagnosis: Supernatural Schizophrenia

• Wait Till You Get My Bill!

See? It's not rocket science, guys!

Immortalized

So last night I'm watching The Walking Dead on AMC and I see a commercial for a new show called Immortalized. AMC's website describes Immortalized as:

AMC's unscripted (heh) series brings viewers into the captivating and provocative world of creative and competitive taxidermy. 

Apparently there is such a thing as "competitive taxidermy." And it's captivating and provocative.

You know, it's one thing to stuff that squirrel you shot in the backyard for your own personal enjoyment, but you just don't get the same thrill as when you pit it against your neighbor's stuffed hamster in the Semi-Annual Regional Mount-Off Finals.

Things You Should Know About Me: Courtroom Artist

I was once a courtroom artist.

Back in the early 1990s I got a phone call from my former high school art teacher. He was moonlighting at a local TV station as their graphic designer and said they needed a courtroom artist for a prominent area murder trial. He wasn't available (due to his daytime job as art teacher) and asked if I'd be interested. Being the young and dumb artist that I was back then I enthusiastically agreed to do it. I was sure that such a high profile gig would get me noticed and lead to more work.

I showed up at the courthouse the next day, drawing tablet and colored pencils in hand. Things took a turn for the worse early on as I saw that everyone had to pass through a metal detector to enter the courtroom. Right before it was my turn I suddenly remembered there was a metal X-Acto knife in my pencil box! As I was trying to think what to do, a policeman barked "Next!" at me and I sheepishly walked through the detector. Amazingly the knife didn't set off any alarms, so I spent the entire day in court with a knife on my person. Take that, courtroom security!

I took a seat and got out my pencils and paper. There was a stylish and attractive woman sitting next to me who glanced at what I was drawing from time to time. There was also a family of less than stylish people in the row in front of me who noticed what I was doing and kept turning around to watch. I didn't think much about them at the time.

The trial involved a defendant in his late twenties who was accused of killing an underage girl and burying her body in a shallow grave in a field. Real Citizen Of The Year material. There were lots of grisly descriptions of the body and the crime scene. It probably sounds interesting in a morbid kind of way, but it was anything but. Despite the way they're depicted on TV and in movies, courtroom trials are extremely tedious affairs. In fact it took several hours just for the two sides to decide if a certain word could be used to describe a piece of evidence, lest it color the jury's attitude.

As the trial dragged on I sat there and sketched the defendant trying to look innocent, the judge looking scholarly and pensive and the jury looking like wished they'd been smart enough to get out of duty. The family in front of me kept monitoring my progress, pointing and whispering excitedly to one another.

After what seemed like eons we broke for lunch. When I came back I took the same seat and noticed the family in front of me was gone. The stylish woman was there though and leaned over and introduced herself, telling me she was the prosecuting attorney's wife (!). Talk about a small world. She said that right after I left for lunch, the family in front of me asked her where I went (thinking that she knew me).

It turns out they were the family of the accused murderer! Apparently the mother of this clan was very impressed with my drawing abilities, especially my portrait of her son. You know, her son, the accused murderer. She actually asked the lawyer's wife if she knew how to get a copy of my drawing of him! What the hell was she going to do with it, frame it and set it on the mantel? 

"Let me show you my pichures, Betty! This here's my daughter Luann and her husband Junior, this one's of my sister Jolene and her third husband Eddie, these here are all my grandbabies, and this one... this one here's my pride and joy, drawn special by a genyoowine artist. It's my little boy Bill at his murder trial!"

Super Fashion

I went to the mall today for the first time in at least two years. As I was walking through Macy's I saw this:

New for Spring 2013! Fashions by Aquaman!

Aquaman! Son of Atlantis! Ruler of the Seven Seas! And now, King of the Catwalk!

Dive into the bold and provocative new styles in this exciting new line. Submerge yourself in these daring new color combinations created by the Monarch of the Deep. You won't be all wet when you drape yourself in Fashions by Aquaman. It'd be unfathomable not to!

Obviously!

Lawless? Sentenced? Wow, the jokes are writin' themselves today.

Drug Names That Sound Like Vocabulary Words

It must be tough for Big Pharma companies to come up with a name for a new drug. Most of the time they can't use the actual scientific name because it's too long and hard to pronounce, as well as meaningless. They need a catchier name, one that vaguely suggests its effects but doesn't mean anything embarrassing in a foreign language. They spend millions coming up with such names. In some cases, they needed to spend a million more. 

Here are more Drug Names That Sound Like Vocabulary Words (note: these are all honest-to-god actual names of real drugs).

Desonate

verb.

To render an area uninhabitable forever.

"The Johnson boys threw a wild kegger that completely desonated their parents' showplace home."

Intuniv

adjective.

Someone who easily grasps situations.
"Joan was very intuniv and immediately sensed that her blind date was a repellant troll.

Lysodren

noun.

The Bizarro world form of Nerdosyl.

Metrogel

noun.

A product that a young man preoccupied with fashion and grooming puts in his hair.

Nebcin

noun.

A German term of endearment.

"Come here, my little nebcin,' said the Burgermeister."

Pataday

noun.

Something your dog demands from you.

Penicillamine

noun.

Penicillin that belongs to the subject.
"Get your stinking paws off that Penicllamine, you damn dirty ape!"

Rescula

pronoun.

A vampire prince who works as a paramedic.
"At one time he was a heinous and repulsive monster, but Rescula turned over a new leaf and now works hard saving people's lives."

Theolair

noun.

A secret place in the Huxtable home in which their son Theo resides.
"Son, get your behind out of that Theolair now, with th' pudding and th' sneakers and th' britches hangin' down around your knees."

Vaniqa

pronoun.

A popular female African American name.

Voltaren

pronoun.

A giant robot formed when a series of smaller individual robots combine.

"Zaxathon is too strong for us to fight individually! If we're to defeat him we need to form Voltaren!"

Out Of Context Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. Moment

I was a big fan of Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. when I was a kid and would watch it every day in syndication. I recently started watching the series again and found that it's still pretty funny. Gomer can be a little grating, but Sergeant Carter, with his short-fused temper, was one of the greatest characters in sitcom history.

 So I'm watching the show today and at the end of the episode this happened:

Probably the oddest tag scene in the entire history of the series.

Bosses From The Eighth Circle Of Hell: The Exercise Bike

Throughout my career I've prided myself on working hard, performing what's asked of me to the best of my ability and being an all-around good employee. I've also done my best to get along with my various bosses.

Alas, sometimes that's just not possible. Sometimes you end up with a Boss From The Eighth Circle Of Hell.

Back in the 1990s I worked at a marketing agency for a rather colorful Boss.

The Boss' office was a sight to behold. Every flat surface, including the floor, was stacked ridiculously high with books, papers and folders. It looked not unlike the image above, from the Time Enough At Last episode of Twilight Zone. You had to navigate through the stacks of crap just to get from the door to his desk.

In the middle of all this chaos stood the Boss' exercise bike. Every morning he'd come into his office, climb onto the bike, spread his newspaper out across the handlebars, and sit there and read. At no point during this time did his legs ever once move even a fraction of an inch.

He'd sit there on the bike sipping coffee and reading the paper for an hour or so, then finally climb off and start his day in earnest.

Of course at every opportunity he would tell anyone within earshot about how he "rode" his exercise bike for an hour every morning.