Sunday, November 8, 2015

It's A Waking Nightmare, Charlie Brown!

This is a little late, but eh, whatever. Last week the cast of the Today Show (which is apparently still on the air) all decided to dress up as various Peanuts characters.

The results were ghastly and terrifying, to say the least. Warning! Disturbing images ahead!

I have to assume that NBC and Today have some sort of vendetta against the upcoming Peanuts movie, and are doing their best to a plant deep-seated revulsion for the characters in the minds of the audience, which will prevent them from seeing the film.

How else to explain these abominations? I'm calling it now-- twenty years from now some serial killer will be describing these costumes to his court appointed psychiatrist.

Here we have one of the Feral Ghouls from the upcoming videogame Fallout 4, for the XBox One and Playstation 4. The ghouls are one of the most dangerous... wait a minute. What's that? Really? Hmm. I'm sorry, I'm being told that this is not a Feral Ghoul after all, but Today show weatherman Al Roker dressed as Charlie Brown.

Here's a full length shot of him, which just goes to prove that translating the stylized Peanuts characters into reality is a very, very bad idea.

This is Today anchor Matt Lauer as a transgender, hairy-armed Lucy Van Pelt. Good grief! The horror... the horror... If this doesn't forever screw up the sexual orientation of any kid who sees it, I don't know what will.

By the way, take a look at "Lucy's" hairdo. Was she born in the 1940s? Seriously, that coif looks like it came right off one of the Andrews Sisters' heads.

WARNING! GRAPHIC IMAGE! Here we see one of the unfortunate residents of Pripyat, shortly after the Chernobyl nuclear reactor exploded in 1986. Note how the victim's hair fused to his skull, as the intense heat and radiation caused his skin to begin drooping and melting off of his skull.

On the other hand, this may be inexplicably popular Today host Carson Daly dressed as Linus.

Here's Daly with Savannah Guthrie, whoever the hell that is, as an equally terrifying, rictus-grinned Sally Brown.

This is Today reporter Meredith Vieira dressed as one of the ghastly walkers from AMC's hit series The Walking Dead. Some will try and convince you she's supposed to be Peanuts character Pig Pen, but make no mistake, this is a shambling, undead zombie on the prowl for brains.

This is allegedly a shot of Today hosts Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford as Snoopy and Woodstock. Personally I think it looks more like a representation of serial killer John Wayne Gacy's tortured psyche.

Here we have Today personnel Tamron Hall and Natalie Morales (again, whoever the hell they are) as Peppermint Patty and Marcie.

Apparently this is an alternate universe version of Patty, where she's been knocked up by Charlie Brown.

Actually these two aren't all that horrifying. Sure they're both offputting, but they're not scary.

OH SWEET JESUS! Did I say not scary? I take it all back! This is a closeup look at Hall's appalling, be-sandaled feet. Dear lord, I hope those are prosthetics, because if not, she must be some sort of demented, unwholesome Hobbit.

Morales' Marcie getup looks more than a little like Velma Dinkley from the Scooby-Doo cartoons. Are Marcie and Velma related? Could they even be the same person? Do the Peanuts and Scooby-Doo characters all reside in the same universe?

As terrifying as it sounds, this isn't the first time NBC has attempted to bring the Peanuts characters to life.

Back in 2000, Saturday Night Live aired a sketch commemorating the death of Peanuts creator Charles M. Schulz, complete with actors in similarly hideous and disturbing makeups.

Please NBC, for the sake of our nation, nay, our world's sanity, stop trying to translate Peanuts into reality. Some characters were meant to stay on the comic page!

1 comment:

  1. It's true that Marcie and Velma both have glasses, but they are not really related, nor are they the same person. I have both Marcie and Velma in this meme I made featuring girls with glasses:


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