Dash It All!

I was perusing Amazon this week, and I came across their latest pointless, er, I mean essential new product— Dash Buttons!

Yes, it's Dash Buttons, those must-have marvels of our electronic age that will streamline the tedious chore of online shopping and enrich all our lives! 

As advertised, you simply purchase one of the hundred or so different Dash Buttons from Amazon— for example, Arm & Hammer Cat Litter. When it arrives, you begin the complicated and lengthy process of hooking it up to your home's wifi and then tethering it to your smart phone. 

Days later when you've completed that task, you simply stick the Dash Button to a wall. When you run out of cat litter, merely push the button on the device and it'll beam a signal to your phone, which will place an order with Amazon. Cut to a mere two days later, and your cat litter will be delivered right to your door! What could be simpler? Well, besides sitting down at the computer and taking thirty seconds to order cat litter online. But hey, these things look cool, right? Right?

Think of the seconds you'll save by using Dash Buttons!

OK, so I could kind of see hanging this one in your laundry room and pressing it when you running low on reasonably priced $25 jugs of laundry detergent, or need another pouch of delicious looking, child-poisoning detergent "pods."

And I suppose it might be convenient to have one of these next to your throne, so you don't find yourself "stranded," if you know what I mean.

Note that even if you have Amazon Prime, it's still gonna take two days for your Quilted Northern to arrive to your door, so… get comfortable.

And I guess I could see a frazzled and harried new mother finding a use for these two Dash Buttons.

But it you're eating so much macaroni and cheese that you need a dedicated widget to order bulk shipments to your stoop, you might want to rethink your nutritional requirements.

Same goes for having cases of microwave popcorn sent to your home. And we are talking cases here, right? No one in their right mind would go to all the trouble of ordering a single box of popcorn online, right?

Who eats so much beef jerky that they need an entire pallet of it deposited on their porch?

And does anyone really need a device whose only function is to order Goldfish Crackers?

Of course after eating all those massive quantities of food, this Dash Button's probably going to come in handy.

I doubt that even the most unattractive woman in the country needs her face cream delivered in bulk.

These two might come in handy if you're filming a YouTube video.

Amazon doesn't just make Dash Buttons for household items and foods. They also inexplicably make buttons that order toys.

"Quickly! I need five hundred cases of Play-Doh, STAT! I've got to roll a thousand clay snakes between my hands by noon, or the President dies! Activate the Dash Button pronto!"

I guess this one would come in handy if you ever found yourself in an emergency in which you needed a bulk shipment of foam rubber footballs, or a gross of dart guns.

I'm guessing this Dash Button would get a lot of use in the average college dorm. Provided you hose it down before pushing it, of course.

Dash Buttons! Ask for them by name! Or don't, and just order your supplies online.

Amazon Crime

This week online retail behemoth Amazon— perhaps you've heard of them— announced they're currently working on a new system that would allow shoppers to validate purchases by using their phones to take a selfie or video of themselves rather than enter an old-fashioned, cumbersome password, like a common peasant.

Jesus wept.

Amazon claims this new method is safer than a password, which can easily be forgotten, or even stolen.

Plus, according to one Amazon spokesman:

"The entry of these passwords... can require the user to turn away from friends or co-workers when entering a password, which can be awkward or embarrassing in many situations."

Laws yes. I don't know how many times I've wanted to buy something on Amazon, but it was simply too awkward and embarrassing to simply type a ten letter password. Why, I had to wait until late at night, when I was in the privacy of my own home, with the curtains drawn and the lights out before I could bring myself to enter my... my... password.

Is there some kind of massive natural gas leak in Seattle?

According to Amazon, when a customer buys something under this new system, they're prompted to hold their smart phone up to their face and "perform certain actions, motions or gestures, such as to smile, blink or tilt his or her head." This would prove to the site's software that not only is the shopper who he says he is, but that an identity thief is not simply holding up a photo of the shopper (!).

This all sounds perfectly wonderful. Holding my phone up to my face, making sure my head is framed just so, then winking or performing a complicated interpretive dance is much, much simpler than taking five seconds to tap on a couple of keys. It's the perfect solution that absolutely no one asked for, to a problem that absolutely doesn't exist.

The first time I'm required to pay this way, I know what "gesture" I'm going to perform for the camera.

Honestly, this bizarre story reads like an Onion article, but it's apparently all too real. In fact other sites like Mastercard are looking into implementing it as well. 

When this cockamamie system finally becomes a reality, it had better be simply an option, and not the only way to confirm a purchase. Because if I have to pay by taking my photo or filming a video, my days of shopping with Amazon are over.

I Feel A Great Disturbance In The Force, As If Millions Of Wallets Cried Out In Terror, And Were Suddenly Silenced

Look at this Millennium Falcon model kit I saw recently on Amazon. It costs a whopping, wallet-shriveling $499! Ka-poop! The kit's Japanese and out of print, so I guess that's explains why it's so pricey.

Note that even though you have to pay $500 for it, it's not available for Amazon Prime. You have to pay an additional $27.21 for shipping! Are you frakking kidding me? $500 and they can't pony up the dough for free shipping? One final twist of the knife.

For that kind of money this kit better make the Kessel Run in 10 parsecs, am I right? Thank you ladies and gents, I'm here all week. Try the bantha.

Color Me Shocked!

If you head over to Amazon today (December 28, 2015) and take a look at their Best Seller List, you'll see that SEVEN out of the top ten are actually "adult coloring books." Seven out of ten! That's um… seventy percent!

Coloring books. For adults. Presumably adults with jobs and mortgages.Because who needs books chock full of cumbersome words and pesky ideas when you can just turn off your mind and color a pretty picture of a kitty?

We're very near the end of civilization.

What Are You Trying To Say, Amazon?

Like most rational adult humans, I did all my Xmas shopping online this year. Why fight my way through traffic and inclement weather to make it to a crowded store like a common peasant, only to find out they're out of the item I want? I'll shop in the comfort of my own home and have someone bring the merchandise to me, thanks.

So a couple weeks ago I got such a delivery from online retail behemoth Amazon. Look closely at the shipping label that was affixed firmly to the box. Is it me, or does that label very prominently say "CORN?"

Surely, Amazon, this four letter code wasn't just a coincidence? Do you expect me to believe that your computers spit out four letter codes completely at random, and this one just happened to coincide with my backward state's largest export? I ain't buying it. 

What other stereotypical regional codes do you have in your database, Amazon? Do you use "HICK" for customers in Arkansas? "RUDE" for New Yorkers? "BLOW" for packages sent to Hollywood?

I get it, Amazon. I live in Indiana. Home of vast fields of flat terrain covered by endless corn fields. One of those boring, "fly-over" or "drive-thru" states that you only pass through when you're on your way to someplace more exciting and cosmopolitan.

You made your point loud and clear. I'm a rube, a bumpkin, a hayseed, a yokel. But you don't have to rub my face in it.

New Service From Amazon!

This week Amazon announced an exciting new fast shipping option for Prime members-- Amazon Transporter!

According to Amazon's official press release:

We here at Amazon are excited to offer a brand new delivery system for our Amazon Prime Members-- the Amazon Transporter. 

Our team of scientists have been working diligently in our R&D lab for some time now to unlock the secrets of quantum mechanics and matter teleportation in order to give our customers a better online shopping experience. 

The goal of this new delivery system is to get items into our customers' hands in 30 seconds or less using an advanced matter teleportation system originally developed by DARPA. 

When you sign up for Amazon Transporter, a squad of highly trained technicians will come to your home and install a small circular pad onto any tabletop and connect it to your computer or wifi network. 

Once installed, simply shop the Amazon website as normal. Once an item is added to your shopping cart, select "Amazon Transporter" as your delivery method and in just thirty seconds your item (or items) will be molecularly assembled on your transporter pad.* It's that easy!  

No longer will you have to wait an interminable one to two days for your order like a common peasant. With Amazon Transporter your order will be in your hands instantly! 

*As of this time Amazon Transporter is only for use with inanimate objects such as books, CDs and DVDs. Amazon Transporter is not recommended for the delivery of organic substances such as food, cosmetics or pets, lest the fabric of space-time be weakened and cause a doorway to a formless hell-dimension to open in your home. Our technicians are working around the clock to solve these minor glitches in the system and Amazon Transporter should be cleared with the FDA and AMA for use with living tissue soon.

Looks like the future is here today! I can't wait to sign up!

They Get You On The Shipping

Back in 1987 the BBC ran a sci-fi series called Star Cops. Most people have never heard of it, but it was created by a Doctor Who writer and over the years it's attracted a small but rabid cult following.

It was released on DVD in 2004 but is long out of print, causing prices to skyrocket. As you can see above, you can order a used copy from a secondary seller on Amazon for the low, low price of only $1,375. And thirteen cents.

Rare or not, that's a lot of dough for nine measly episodes!

If that wasn't enough, look closely at the shipping info. Yes, after you pony up nearly $1,400, you're not done! You still have to pay $3.99 to have the thing shipped to you! Jesus, you'd think they might at least have thrown in free shipping to help soften the blow.

I knew I should have signed up for Amazon Prime!

Don't Delay!

Amazon now has The Walking Dead Season 4 available for preorder. 

That's right, the very same Season 4 that doesn't start until October 13. Order now before it even starts! Supplies are limited!

I don't get why they do this. If the pattern holds, this DVD set won't come out until August 2014. Does anyone out there really order their DVDs ten months in advance? Why not order Season 10 while you're at it?

By the way, the previews for Season 4 keep hinting at a new menace to threaten our favorite survivors of the zombie apocalypse. What could it be? A new type of zombie? A band of bloodthirsty cannibals? A rogue group of popcorn-selling band members who won't take no for an answer?

Nope. It's none of those. Look at that cover above. Look closely at the background. Geese. It had to be geese. Filthy, disgusting, miserable geese.

Now THAT'S A Pre-Order!

Iron Man 3 premiered in theaters around the country today. So of course it's only natural that I found this message in my email this morning:

Yep, this eagerly anticipated summer blockbuster that hasn't even been in theaters for a full day is now available for pre-order from our overly eager friends at Amazon. 

While you've got your credit card out you might as well go ahead and pre-order the next two Hobbit films while you're at it. After all, the second installment premieres in a scant seven months, and the third will be here before we know it at the end of 2014. And don't forget the next two Hunger Games sequels too. Oh, and you might as well pre-order Avengers 2 and 3 before it's too late!

This post isn't going to age well, is it?