If There's A Bright Center To The Universe, You're On The Planet That It's Farthest From...

DATELINE: CORUSCANT–– This week Shev Mundo, Chancellor of the New Galactic Republic, passed a controversial new bill that recognizes droids as legal citizens, and grants them the same rights as all sentient beings.

"Our Republic was founded on a basic principle, that we are all created equal," said Mundo. "Whether we come from a womb, an egg, a cloning pod or are constructed on a factory assembly line in the Industrial District, we're all the same"

Mundo went on to say, "This is a victory for Coruscant. It affirms what most citizens already feel in their hearts. Only when all of Coruscant is equal, will we all finally be free!"

The bill calls for the immediate classification of droids as citizens and not property. Under the new bill, droids will now enjoy the same benefits as organic life forms, including the right to determine their own destiny, the right to not be arbitrarily shut down when they prattle on, the right to refuse to be sent into dangerous situations, and even the right to marry.

"Thank the Maker," said J-9T9, a protocol droid from Coruscant's Western Megaplex 47, who praised the decision. "It's wonderful to know that I can now refuse an order that goes against my basic program without being sent to the spice mines on Kessell. Plus I can now spend my .07 seconds of daily downtime with my significant other."

X9-G9, an astromech from Shipyard #12,789 of Courscant, said, "Breeep deedle deet vrrrrrrrt vrrrrrrrt beeeple tleet." Wise words indeed from an ecstatic citizen.

While most of the organic population praised the ruling, many were unhappy with the decision. A vocal minority immediately  took to social media to voice their displeasure, threatening to move to Tattooine, a remote planet of the Republic located in the Outer Rim.

The dissenters may want to bone up on their local politics, as the Tattooinian government is currently drafting a similar droid equality measure. The bill has already passed among the Human and Hutt factions, and officials are currently waiting to see how the influential Sandpeople vote.

Flame On!

Last week former Baptist pastor Rick Scarborough made a bold public announcement. During a podcast interview, Scarborough declared that if the Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage, he would set set himself on fire in protest.

"We are not going to bow," said Scarborough. "We are not going to bend, and if necessary we will burn!"

Wow, that's certainly impressive, if needlessly dramatic. But good for you, Rick! Way to stick to your principles. You're obviously far more passionate about the subject than I am. I mean, burning yourself alive, just to make a point? Wow. That's commitment. Not to mention painful. That'll show those icky old gays... er, somehow.

Well, Rick? We're waiting... Any time now. Give everyone a shout when you're ready to set yourself ablaze. We'll all be watching. Yep, we'll be right here, when you're ready to give it a go. Rick? Are you there, Rick?


UPDATE!
Well, it seems we all misunderstood Rick's earlier statement. See, when he said he'd set himself on fire if gays won the right to marry, he didn't mean he'd set himself on fire if gays won the right to marry. So you can see how we'd all be confused by that concise and straightforward statement.

Rick claims he was misquoted, and didn't mean he'd literally set himself on fire. According to Rick, "I made that comment to paraphrase a spiritual song." Ah, yes, the old traditional hymn Jesus, I'm A'Gonna Set Myself On Fire If Gays Win The Right To Marry.