Tales From The Video Store: Pitch Perfect

Unlike the majority of the world, I don't go in for all this convenient video-on-demand and FlixNet nonsense. Nosiree! Give me an old fashioned, inconvenient Video Store any day! The farther away from my house the better! You just never know what you're gonna find— or hear— when you browse the Video Store!

This Tale From The Video Store is 100% true.

So last weekend I was in the video store a few blocks from my home. While there I overheard a typical Kentuckiana couple as they browsed the shelves.

Man: Whut you wanna see?  

Woman: I don't care, whutever you wanna see.

Man: (clearly looking in the children's section): You see Pitch Perfeck anywhere?

Woman: Pitch Perfeck? I'll go ask.

(The Woman goes to the counter and returns a few minutes later)

Woman: They says they's got it, but it's on blu ray.

Man: Dang it.

Woman: (giving him the stink eye) Why you wanna see Pitch Perfeck anyway?

Man: Cuz, it's about softball.  

Woman: What!? No it ain't, it's about singin'!

Man: Nu-uh, it's about a softball team.

Woman: It's about a bunch of girls who sing! 

Man: It ain't neither, it's about a kid that pitches a perfeck game on his softball team! 

They wandered out of earshot after that. I dearly wish I could be a fly on the wall the day this man finally gets his hands on a copy of Pitch Perfect, so I could witness his reaction when he pops it in his player and learns the cold, hard truth.

Tales From The Video Store: Coming Soon

Unlike the majority of the world, I don't go in for all this convenient video-on-demand and FlixNet nonsense. Nosiree! Give me an old fashioned, inconvenient Video Store any day! The farther away from my house the better! You just never know what you're gonna find— or see— when you browse the Video Store!

This Tale From The Video Store is 100% true.

There's a video store just a few blocks from my house, and for some reason it seems to attract a large... well, let's call it a hillbilly contingent. People who don't understand the meaning of the words "Coming Soon" when seen on a movie poster.

For example: One day while browsing in the video store, a Hillbilly Male burst in. He headed straight for the counter and breathlessly asked the clerk if she had the new Jurassic Park movie. The clerk patiently explained, "Sorry, no. That one's currently playing in theaters. We generally don't start renting movies until they come out on home video."

"Shee-yoot!" exclaimed the Hillbilly. "Well, how's about thet new Star Wars movie then?"

The clerk stared at him for a few seconds and finally composed herself long enough to say, "Uh... that one isn't even playing in any theaters yet. In fact it's not scheduled to be released until December."

"Oh, man!" said the Hillbilly. "I wuz at the movies last week and saw a poster for it and thought it looked pretty good. So I came over here soon's as I could to git it."

OK, let me get this straight. You saw a poster in the MOVIE THEATER that said COMING SOON, so you immediately headed for the VIDEO STORE to rent it. Got it.

I honestly don't think I could work in a video store...

Tales From The Video Store: Partial Nudity

Unlike the majority of the world, I don't go in for all this convenient video-on-demand and FlixNet nonsense. Nosiree! Give me an old fashioned, inconvenient Video Store any day! The farther away from my house the better! You just never know what you're gonna find— or overhear— when you browse the Video Store!

This Tale From The Video Store is 100% true.

I was in my local Family Video store a couple of weeks ago, and overheard a family trying to choose a movie. They consisted of a grandmother, a mother and her at least twenty five year old son. I cannot emphasize the man's age enough. He was a full grown adult male.

The son was peering intently at the back of a DVD case. Suddenly he turned to his mother and asked her a question:

Junior: "Ma, what does P-A-R-T-I-A-L mean?" 

Mother: "Partial. That means a little bit."

Junior: "Oh, OK. Then this movie has par-shull nudity in it!" 

Mother (clucking her tongue in disgust, along with the grandmother): Oh, we don't want to watch that kind of show." 

Junior: "No, Ma, it's not a dirty pitcher, it just means there's a little bit, like maybe there's a scene in a locker room and someone walks by in a towel. So can I get it? Huh? Can I get it? Ma? Can I? Ma, you're not listening! Listen to me! Can I get it?"

There's no hope for this country.

Tales From The Video Store: The Fault

Unlike the majority of the world, I don't go in for all this convenient video-on-demand and FlixNet nonsense. Nosiree! Give me an old fashioned, inconvenient Video Store any day! The farther away from my house the better! You just never know what you're gonna find— or overhear— when you browse the Video Store!

This Tale From The Video Store is 100% true.

Last weekend I was browsing through my local Family Video store. While there, I overheard an overweight hillbilly with a thick Southern accent talking to his lookalike, adult son:

Hillbilly Dad: A'm tryin' ta find a movie fer yer Maw. Look fer Fault In Our Stars.

Hillbilly Son: Huh? Fartin' Are Stars? Whut's thet about?

The Hillbilly Dad, unaware of the concept of alphabetical order, then intently scanned the "R" section as he desperately hunted for a movie that clearly starts with an "F" (or "T," if you count the "The" in the title).