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This week craft chain store Hobby Lobby announced that despite the fact that over ninety other retailers were temporarily shutting their doors during the Coronavirus Apocalypse, they were steadfastly and defiantly remaining open for business.
Critics immediately denounced the decision to stay open, calling it dangerous and irresponsible. When asked about the situation, Hobby Lobby founder David Green responded that he chose to keep the chain open because "God is in charge."
In a note to Hobby Lobby employees, Green said his wife Barbara (who he described as a "prayer warrior") received a message from the All-Knowing Deity. Said Green, "In her quiet prayer time this past week, the Lord put on Barbara's heart three profound words to remind us that he's in control. Guide, Guard and Groom. We serve a God who will Guide us through this storm, who will Guard us as we travel to places never seen before and who, as a result of this experience, will Groom us to be better than we could have ever thought possible before now."
Yeah, that's great, Dave, but how about you close your frakin' stores anyway and maybe not needlessly kill thousands so you can keep on selling silk flowers, picture frames and jigsaw puzzles.
This doesn't surprise me a bit. I worked for Hobby Lobby briefly back in 2012 when I was "between jobs." They love to tout themselves as a devoutly Christian company, but the reality is they're just as cutthroat as any business out there— if not more so. Their holiness is all surface level at best.
As proof you need look no further than the fact that they're willingly risking the lives of every one of their employees and the community's they're in, just to keep the cash flowing and the shareholders happy.
And David? If your god really is "in control," then I'd like to speak with his manager. I have a problem with the way he's been running the world lately.
UPDATE:
I've been on lockdown and working at home for a week now. I had to venture out to my real office today for something, and on the way I passed my local Hobby Lobby. It appeared to be closed, as there wasn't a single car in their parking lot. Maybe it's up to each individual manager as to whether they close or not? Or maybe god appeared to Barbara Green again and told her to close her ferkakta stores already.
It has begun.
I went to my local Hobby Lobby yesterday, and was disheartened to see that their thrice damned Xmas section is already well under construction. On June 23. A full six months before the holiday actually arrives.
There wasn't a huge amount on display yet— it looked like they'd just started hauling out the geegaws— but it was there. Dear god, it was there.
I'd understand if they were selling Xmas craft items this early. After all, you need a couple of months to knit that homemade nutcracker cozy or construct that gingerbread replica of Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater or whatever the hell it is that you're making for Aunt Martha this year.
But these were plain old off the shelf decorations, no assembly required. Who does this? Who the hell buys their Xmas decorations two days after summer officially begins? Not me, pal! I buy my decorations the way god intended— the day after Xmas, when everything's marked down 70% or more! Nothing but the best deep-discounted clearance merchandise for my holiday display!
Hey, look! Craft superstore Hobby Lobby's in the news! Good for them. They can use the publi-OH SWEET JESUS THEY'RE BADMOUTHING JEWS!
It all started last week when a customer visited a New Jersey Hobby Lobby and asked an employee if they carried bar mitzvah cards. Why she'd go to Hobby Lobby for such a thing, I have no idea. Has she never been there before? They might as well call the place Goy Warehouse, amirite?
Anyhoo, instead of saying something like, "I'm very sorry ma'am, but we don't carry that item," the helpful Hobby Lobby employee was all, "Beat it, Jew!"
OK, so it wasn't quite that bad. The helpful employee went all Star Wars Bartender on the woman and said, "We don't cater to you people." Now that I see it written out like that, I think "Beat it, Jew" wasn't so bad after all.
You know, Hobby Lobby, you're well within your rights to decide what you will and will not sell in your stores. If you don't want to sell Jewish trinkets, well then that's your call and it doesn't infringe on anyone's inalienable rights in the least. But maybe tone down all the "you people" talk, OK?
Of course the story spread like wildfire across the interwebs, as stories of appalled outrage over minor incidents always do. Why can't people get fired up like this about things that matter? Like, oh I don't know, the nimrods in Washington shutting down the country? But I digest.
The story spread all the way to Hobby Lobby's home office in the imaginatively named Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where the head of public relations fell all over himself, saying:
Due to overwhelming demand in the Northeast, we are pleased to announce that we will begin offering Jewish holiday items in a number of stores to test the market in New York and New Jersey.
Translation: "Jews are the ones with all the money, right? Money they could be spending in our stores if we stocked their fancy Jew candle holders, Arks of the Convenants, beads and incense or whatever the hell they use."
So for all of you residents of New York and New Jersey, soon you'll be able to buy your Passover and Hanukkah decorations at your local Hobby Lobby.
Personally I can't wait. I want to see 'em start putting up their menorah and dreidel displays in May and Passover decorations in January. Hanukkah Creep, anyone?
I went to Hobby Lobby yesterday to stock up on quiltin' supplies (soon to replace Speed Stacking and X-Treme Puzzling as America's favorite pass time) and while there I noticed they were selling Christmas decorations.*
Christmas decorations. In June.
They didn't yet have an entire corner of the store devoted to Christmas as they usually do; for now it was just one small display of decorations that look like giant lollys or candy canes. Doesn't matter how small the display was, it's still too damned soon. Putting Christmas crap out any earlier than the second week in December is too early if you ask me.
Mark my words: If this Christmas Creep isn't stopped and soon, stores are gonna keep putting their holiday crap out earlier and earlier until we finally loop back around to December and we'll be buying our Christmas 2014 stuff during Christmas 2013.
*Sorry for the lack of photographic proof, but unlike the other 99.9% of the population I don't constantly carry a combination phone, camera, communication and multimedia system with me at all times.
