Brace Yourselves!

I don't have any particular interest in seeing Seth Rogen's upcoming Sausage Party film, which premieres this week. That said, I cannot wait for the barrage of outraged complaints from Jittery Soccer Moms to start rolling in!

You know it's gonna happen! Sausage Party is an R-rated, profanity laden CGI animated film, set in a world of anthropomorphic food that's unaware its only reason for existence is to be eaten by humans. From the trailers I've seen it's rude, crude and completely inappropriate for kids.

You just know that clueless parents nationwide are going to take their six year olds to see this, thinking it's yet another Pixar or Dreamworks film. Then later when their precious snowflakes have been irreparably traumatized, they'll be complaining to the theater management, demanding to know why there wasn't some sort of warning about the content of this movie. You know, like an R-rating.

Same thing happened this past February when parents took their children to the hard R-rated Deadpool, thinking it was a harmless, all-ages appropriate superhero film (it wasn't). I'm almost tempted to go see Sausage Party just to see the screaming kids being carried out of the theater.

What Are Americans Outraged About This Week? Reese's Xmas Tree Candy

Welcome to What Are People Outraged About This Week? Where every now and then I'll take a look at various so-called atrocities that are vexing the Offended States Of America, and causing the general public to overreact.

So what are people outraged about this week?

This week people seem to be outraged by Reese's Peanut Butter Christmas Trees. Ever since 1993 Reese's has made a special holiday edition of their peanut butter cups that resembles a Christmas tree.

But this year the easily-offended public is charging that the candies look less like traditional fir trees and more like "turds."

Sigh. Here we go again. Yet another professionally offended American expressing mock outrage over nothing. OK, fine. Let's have a look at this so-called "turd" can-

Holy crap! Yep, that's a turd.

OK, so this time the public has a point. These candies don't look the least bit like Christmas trees. But you know what? I think that's actually a good thing.

Look at what would happen if you started shaving off hunks of the candy turd to make it resemble a tree. Sure, now it looks more like a traditional symbol of Christmas, but take a gander at all that delicious chocolate and peanut butter you're being denied.

Do you really want 33% less mass just so your candy looks like a stinkin' tree? I know I don't! The more chocolate and peanut butter the better! Bring on the Candied Christmas Turds!

We Have Christmas Creep, Can Hanukkah Creep Be Far Behind?

Hey, look! Craft superstore Hobby Lobby's in the news! Good for them. They can use the publi-OH SWEET JESUS THEY'RE BADMOUTHING JEWS!

It all started last week when a customer visited a New Jersey Hobby Lobby and asked an employee if they carried bar mitzvah cards. Why she'd go to Hobby Lobby for such a thing, I have no idea. Has she never been there before? They might as well call the place Goy Warehouse, amirite?

Anyhoo, instead of saying something like, "I'm very sorry ma'am, but we don't carry that item," the helpful Hobby Lobby employee was all, "Beat it, Jew!"

OK, so it wasn't quite that bad. The helpful employee went all Star Wars Bartender on the woman and said, "We don't cater to you people." Now that I see it written out like that, I think "Beat it, Jew" wasn't so bad after all.

You know, Hobby Lobby, you're well within your rights to decide what you will and will not sell in your stores. If you don't want to sell Jewish trinkets, well then that's your call and it doesn't infringe on anyone's inalienable rights in the least. But maybe tone down all the "you people" talk, OK?

Of course the story spread like wildfire across the interwebs, as stories of appalled outrage over minor incidents always do. Why can't people get fired up like this about things that matter? Like, oh I don't know, the nimrods in Washington shutting down the country? But I digest.

The story spread all the way to Hobby Lobby's home office in the imaginatively named Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where the head of public relations fell all over himself, saying: 

Due to overwhelming demand in the Northeast, we are pleased to announce that we will begin offering Jewish holiday items in a number of stores to test the market in New York and New Jersey.

Translation: "Jews are the ones with all the money, right? Money they could be spending in our stores if we stocked their fancy Jew candle holders, Arks of the Convenants, beads and incense or whatever the hell they use."

So for all of you residents of New York and New Jersey, soon you'll be able to buy your Passover and Hanukkah decorations at your local Hobby Lobby.

Personally I can't wait. I want to see 'em start putting up their menorah and dreidel displays in May and Passover decorations in January. Hanukkah Creep, anyone?