Not Lovin' It

Things are looking grim these days for McDonald's. According to recent sales reports, customers are deserting the fast food giant like rats from a sinking fast food franchise, as they spend their dollars at trendier eateries like Chipotle, or cheaper ones such as Burger King.

In an effort to shore up falling sales, McDonald's corporate leaders have decided the best thing to do is dump their current "I'm lovin' it" slogan, in favor of a new one. Because god knows people don't care about healthy food at a fair price, what they really want are snappier catch phrases!

The new slogan in question? Lovin' Is Greater Than Hatin.' And no, I'm not making that up, it's the honest to god actual new slogan.

(cue chirping crickets)

Well, that's definitely a slogan alright. It's not a good one by any stretch of the imagination, but you can't deny it's a slogan.

What's odd about it is that they've apparently chosen not to spell it out in traditional human language, but to write it instead as sort of an equation. Does the general public even know what the ">" symbol is? Will they be able to correctly decipher the slogan, or will they see it as "Lovin' Points To Hatin'?"

This slogan isn't going to affect sales one whit either way, but the deluded executive at McDonald's corporate offices seem to think it will. To help out the poor overpaid saps, I've come up with 8 New McDonald's Slogans Better Than Lovin' > Hatin.'

This one gets directly to the point and addresses the whole negative perception the general public seems to have toward the fast food behemoth.

Just callin' a spade a spade here.

This one may be a little too clingy, like that one desperate friend everyone has who always tags along on all your outings, whether he was invited or not.

A slogan for the Coulrophobe customer base.

This one's got a definite Fatal Attraction vibe.

Technically this one is true. McDonald's no longer cooks their fries in beef tallow, which, for those not in the know, is a hard fatty substance made from rendered animal fat, also used in making candles and soap. 

Again, spade.

This one's a bit near to my heart; it's what dear old dad used to say when mother would ask if the pot roast came out OK.

You're welcome, McDonald's. Feel free to use any or all of these slogans as you see fit. You can send remuneration to me care of my blog.

Thinking Inside The Box

If you've logged onto the information superhighway at all this week, you've no doubt noticed that every news outlet in the free world is buzzing about McDonald's new Happy Meal mascot.

Without fail, every single news story I've seen has described the new mascot, with its wild-eyed leer and uncanny valley dentures, as "terrifying." Eh, I'm not seeing it. Off-putting and poorly designed, yes. But terrifying? Maybe if you're one of those goats that faints when startled, but otherwise, nope.

The new spokes-box is imaginatively named "Happy," and I can't help but wonder how many millions of dollars some lucky marketing agency fleeced from McDonald's coffers for this concept. Whatever amount it was, it was too much. It looks like thirty seconds worth of work, tops.

When I was art school, the professors drilled into our heads on a daily basis that taking a product and humanizing it (by giving it a face and appendages) was not only lazy, but the lowest form of graphic design possible. I'd have flunked out of school if I'd come up with something like this. 

In fact one day a fellow student turned in a concept not unlike this one, and I witnessed the professor pretty much throw him out of class, telling him in no uncertain terms that he was washed up before he even started and to find a new major. And yet here's a multi-billion dollar corporation doing the exact same thing. 

It's patently obvious that McDonald's is trying to copy the look and feel of these goddamned things in a transparent attempt to appeal to kids. No amount of denials or money will ever convince me otherwise. 

I mean look at them. Just look! Same basic proportions, same horrifically bulging eyeballs, even the exact same mouth, complete with disturbingly realistic human teeth and lolling tongue. McDonald's might as well just get it over with and call their new mascot a minion.

That said, the new mascot's still nowhere near as creepy as Willard Scott's original Ronald McDonald.

I'm Not Lovin' It

After a dismal five percent drop in first quarter earnings, this week fast food behemoth McDonald's decided to take drastic steps to boost their sagging bottom line.

So how do they plan to increase sales? By lowering the prices of their menu items? Improving customer service? Using actual edible substances in their food?

Nope, none of that. They plan to shore up their anemic sales by giving spokes-clown Ronald McDonald a makeover.

Ronald, seen here posing in front of the backdrop of every comedy club in the country, has dumped his traditional yellow jumper for a smart new embroidered red blazer. 

The new ensemble was designed by Tony Award-winning theatrical designer Ann Hould-Ward, whoever that is. It's the first wardrobe update for Ronald since 2005.

I must say I'm all for Ronald's snappy new look. Because Lord knows the reason I haven't eaten at a McDonald's in ten years is because of the clothes their goddamned clown is wearing. Their food is sure to be healthier and more palatable now that he's wearing a jacket.