That's What She Said

Hallmark just released an Xmas ornament of everyone's favorite cringeworthy boss, Michael Scott from The Office.

Here's a closeup of the ornament, complete with "World's Best Boss" coffee mug. Woof! That is one bad likeness there! Holy crap! What the hell happened?

For comparison, Hallmark released a Doctor Who ornament this month as well, and if featured a spot on portrait of Fourth Doctor Tom Baker. So clearly their sculptors are capable of making a decent looking ornament. Did actor Steve Carell want too much money to use his likeness, so Hallmark just went with a "Generic White Office Manager" sculpt?

At this point I think Michael's Two-Headed Halloween costume looked more like him than this ornament does!

Dammit, Dwight!

This mess is all Dwight's fault!

Happy Fifteenth Anniversary To "The Office!"

This kind of slipped past me, what with the End Of The World currently happening and all. March 24 was the FIFTEENTH Anniversary of the premiere of the American version of The Office! Fifteen years! How's that even possible?

It seems like only yesterday that I sat down in front of my TV and watched the first episode. I have to say I honestly wasn't very impressed with it. Why? Welp, at the time I was working at the local newspaper and had a very, very Michael Scott-like boss. One who, just like Michael, thought he was hilarious, wanted to be everyone's pal and spent far more time and effort deciding where to eat lunch than he ever did on actual work. 

Since I was pretty much living the series on a daily basis, the last thing I wanted to do was see it again when I got home. So I ended up ignoring the show.

I don't remember why now, but I decided to give the series another try a year later. I watched the A Benihana Christmas episode, and suddenly I was hooked. I sought out the DVDs to get all caught up, and became a rabid viewer after that.

Apparently back then some people didn't understand the series' "fake documentary" style of shooting. I was once discussing the show with a co-worker who said, "That guy who plays Jim is the worst actor ever! Every week he looks right at the camera and makes a face!" Oy gevalt!

I remained a loyal fan for the series' entire seven year run. You heard me. I said seven. There were only seven seasons of The Office. You may encounter people who insist there were actually nine seasons, but that's just an ugly internet rumor. The series ended with Steve Carell's departure in the Goodbye, Michael  episode.

I have spoken.

Here's Mudd In Your Eye!

Last week CBS announced that actor Rainn Wilson, aka Dwight Shrute of The Office fame, would be playing Harry Mudd in their upcoming Star Trek: Discovery TV series (the one Sonequa Martin-Green left The Walking Dead to star in). A few things here.

First of all, it's gonna take a long time for me to get used to the idea of CBS owning Star Trek. The franchise was owned by Paramount for nearly half a century, until they were bought by CBS a couple years ago.

Secondly, I will be astonished if this series actually airs. It was supposed to come out in 2016, which of course was the 50th Anniversary of the Star Trek franchise. Obviously that didn't happen. It's been mysteriously and inexplicably delayed about twelve more times since then. Right now CBS officials claim it'll debut "this summer, or perhaps fall." Wow, way to precisely narrow it down there.

Thirdly... Harry Mudd? Really? Of all the characters to dredge up, did it have to be that one? Mudd, who was played by character actor Roger C. Carmel, was a space pirate/smuggler/con man who popped up twice in the Original Series to bedevil the straight-laced Captain Kirk. He was also an unrepentant sexist pig, who came dangerously close to owning female slaves. That sh*t don't fly here in our touchy-feely enlightened 2017. I'm honestly amazed anyone would even think of bringing back such a outdated character. 

Fourthly, is this new series gonna be filled with constant winks, nods and fan service like this? If so, they can count me out. Hey, remember Harry Mudd? Here he is again! 

The producers have already cast actor James Frain as Sarek of Vulcan, and there're rumors they may try and include a CGI Spock! At this point I fully expect the crew of the Discovery to beam down to a planet and literally bump into Doctor Evazan and Ponda Boba.

As for casting Rainn Wilson... eh, I'm not seeing it. If he absolutely has to be in the show, I think someone like Nick Frost would make a much better approximation of Mudd. 

I was also going to comment that Wilson is way too young to play Harry Mudd. But then I did a little googling, and was gobsmacked to find out just the opposite is true. Rainn Wilson is currently fifty one years old. Roger C. Carmel was only THIRTY FOUR when he first starred as Mudd in 1966.

Are you frakin' kidding me? That is a hard-looking thirty four indeed. I know people didn't take care of themselves in the 1960s like they do now, but Jesus Christ! I'd have guessed Carmel was close to fifty, if not older. Surely he must have lied about his date of birth in his official bio...

Suddenly I'm wondering if Rainn Wilson is too OLD to play Mudd!

False Advertising

This is a public service announcement for anyone out there who's thinking of seeing the new film Creed over the holidays:

Do not waste your money! I was expecting a lighthearted comedy, but instead I got a drama about professional boxing of all things!

I sat through the entire goddamned film and this gentleman didn't pop up even once during the 133 minute runtime. Talk about a letdown!

And With Arms Wide Open didn't appear on the soundtrack even once! Who's responsible for this outrage?

Talk about false advertising! I immediately complained to the cineplex management and got a full refund of my ticket price. Next week I'm going to use that money to go see Spectre, which sounds like it ought to be a good old-fashioned horror movie! Wish me luck!

The Sitcom We Deserve

Last week NBC announced they're developing a new sitcom set in the DC Comics Universe.

I know what you're thinking: Bob's drunk-blogging again. I assure you I'm not (this time) and it's a real story.

The series, called Powerless, is described as "The Office with superheroes." According to NBC's press release, it's "a workplace comedy set in one of the worst insurance companies in America, with the twist being that it takes place in the DC Universe. The show is about the reality of working life for normal people in a world of super heroes and villains."

If you've ever read any Superman comics and thought, "Gosh, I wonder what it would be like to work in an office in downtown Metropolis, then by god this is the series for you.

I for one can't wait for Powerless. I'm especially excited for the thrilling Season Finale, in which the Mr. Slattery, the insurance company's boss, is displeased by a worker's poor job performance and savagely snaps his neck.

Happy Tenth Anniversary To The Office!

Happy Anniversary to The Office, which premiered ten years ago today on March 24, 2005! Ten years! Can you believe it? Where the hell did that decade go?

I was there in front of my TV watching that very first episode ten years ago, and I have to say I wasn't impressed. Why? Welp, I was working at the local newspaper at the time, and had a very, very Michael Scott-like boss. One who, just like Michael, thought he was hilarious, wanted to be everyone's pal, and spent far more time and effort deciding where to eat lunch than he ever did on actual work. 

Since I was pretty much living the series on a daily basis, the last thing I wanted to do was see it again when I got home. So I ended up ignoring the show.

I don't remember why now, but I decided to give the series another try a year later. I watched the A Benihana Christmas episode, and suddenly I was hooked. I sought out the DVDs to get all caught up, and became a rabid viewer after that.

As far as I know The Office was the first series to use the now ubiquitous "fake documentary" style of shooting. Apparently not everyone realized that's what they were watching though. I was once discussing the show with a co-worker who said, "That guy who plays Jim is the worst actor ever! Every week he looks right at the camera and makes a face!" Oy gevalt!

I remained a loyal fan for the series' entire seven year run. You heard me. I said seven. There were only seven seasons of The Office. You may have encountered people who insist there were actually nine seasons, but that's just an ugly internet rumor. The series ended with Steve Carell's departure in the Goodbye, Michael  episode.

The Office Series Finale: Spinoffs Repost

The Office is ending this Thursday after nine seasons. 

As much as I love the show, I'm glad that it's ending. Personally I thought they should have stopped after Michael left at the end of Season 7. It seemed like the perfect point to go out on a high note, but then I'm not an NBC executive who needs popular shows on my schedule that generate ad revenue.

I felt so strongly that the show should have ended with Michael's departure that I decided that in my mind that it did. I deliberately haven't watched any of the last two seasons. As far as I'm concerned there were seven seasons and that's it. Crazy? Of course, but hey, it's how I get through the day.

The absence of The Office is going to leave a smoldering, gaping hole in NBC's schedule. They already tried a Dwight-centric Shrute Farms spinoff that unfortunately went nowhere. Too bad. I've taken it upon myself though to pitch spinoffs for the rest of the cast. You're welcome, NBC.

Stanley's Dozen

Everyone's favorite Office curmudgeon finally gets his own series! 

On the day of Stanley Hudson's long-awaited retirement from Dunder Mifflin he receives a shocking telegram: his estranged and unmarried sister has unexpectedly died, leaving custody of her thirteen children to him. After unsuccessfully trying to fight the custody decree Stanley has no choice but to move to Chicago and take over his sister's household.

Watch the hilarity as Stanley unwillingly becomes father to thirteen unruly children ranging in age from 16 to 2 years of age. See his ordered life get turned upside down as he has to deal with surly teens, missed curfews, incessant texting, loud music and even changing diapers!

Who knows, if Stanley's not careful, the kids may even teach him a thing or two!

Stanley's Dozen airs Mondays at 8:30 pm Central.

Scranton Abbey

In this uproarious fish-out-of-water comedy, Meredith Palmer, Dunder Mifflin's resident alcoholic floozy, discovers that she's actually descended from British nobility. 

When the childless Earl of Scranton dies, his surviving relatives scramble to locate the nearest heir apparent, who turns out to be Meredith! Upon hearing the news she immediately quits her job, packs her bags and heads across the pond to claim her birthright as the new Countess of Scranton! 

Watch Meredith tangle with her snooty newfound relatives along with the servants of the household as they try to educate her in the ways of privileged society. Can England survive her lower class American ways? It's Yankee vs the Nobility in this laugh-a-minute comedy!

Scranton Abbey airs Thursdays at 8:00 pm Central.

Mr. & Mrs. Halpert 

By day Jim and Pam work side by side at their mundane office jobs at Dunder Mifflin, but at night the shocking truth is revealed: They're both sophisticated international spies who secretly work for rival agencies!

Can Jim and Pam successfully juggle their dual lives? Can they deal with downsizing, parenthood and daycare while stealing government secrets and plotting assassinations? And can they do it all without accidentally killing one another?

The laughs are anything but "top secret" in this fast-paced comedy!

Mr. & Mrs. Halpert airs Thursdays at 9:00 pm Central.

Quantum Creed

An action-packed sci-fi adventure series! When Dunder Mifflin's Quality Control Officer Creed Bratton ingests a special "herbal" concoction of his own making, he blacks out and wakes up in the 1940s. Initially convinced it's just a bad trip, he soon finds out that the situation is all too real. He quickly discovers he can now move backward and forward through his own time line.

Creed then travels throughout the past six decades, determined to change the past in order to make a better future for himself, and maybe for the world if there's time. Watch as he helps public figures and private citizens alike make the right decisions at crucial moments in history!

But Creed must be careful in his temporal travels, as he's inadvertently drawn the attention of a mysterious Dark Man, who relentlessly pursues him through time.

Who is this Dark Man? Is he a Time Cop determined to preserve history? An extraterrestrial bent on the destruction of Earth? Or an alternate version of Creed himself, trying to preserve his own existence? Watch as we drag out the thrilling answer over seven seasons (God willing).

Quantum Creed airs Fridays at 9:00 pm Central.

Hey Dean!

Andy Bernard gets the chance of a lifetime when he's offered a job as dean of what he assumes is an Ivy League college. He immediately leaves his job as manager of Dunder Mifflin and accepts the new position, only to find that instead of being the head of a prestigious university, he's now the dean of a small community college.

Watch the hilarity as smug Cornell alumni Andy swallows his pride and deals with the day to day running of a small and struggling school on the verge of collapse. Can he turn the school around while preserving his dignity? 

With a supporting cast of wacky teachers and quirky students, you'll give it an "A" for Amusing. It's academic!

Hey Dean! airs Thursdays at 8:30 pm Central, right after Scranton Abbey.

The Kapoors
A hilarious supernatural comedy series in the tradition of Bewitched and I Dream Of Jeannie! 

Poor Kelly Kapoor has tried everything to get her irresponsible boyfriend Ryan Howard to marry her, much to the dismay of her traditional Indian parents. Frustrated, Mr. and Mrs. Kapoor pray to Shiva in the hope that he will compel Ryan to finally marry their daughter and ease their family's shame. 

Shiva answers their prayers by placing a special curse on Ryan. Now whenever he mistreats Kelly in any way, he is swiftly and comically punished by the deity: losing his voice when he lies, shrinking to the size of a child when he comes home late, or having his entrails consumed by jackals when he thinks impure thoughts about other women.

How long will Ryan be able to endure Shiva's cosmic punishment until he gives in and marries Kelly?

Ryan's bad karma makes for good comedy!

The Kapoors airs Wednesdays at 8:00 pm Central.

Hail To The Chief
A irreverent and wacky political comedy that'll get your vote... for LAUGHS! 

Kevin Malone leaves the comfort of Dunder Mifflin and moves to Washington D.C., where he becomes assistant to the President's Press Secretary. Through a series of unlikely bureaucratic mix-ups, the chain of command passes to Kevin and he becomes the President of the United States. 

In his first official act, President Malone appoints former co-worker Oscar Martinez as his Vice President. Watch as the two of them attempt to solve the country's problems without starting World War III. 

With a supporting cast of quirky advisors and international leaders, you won't veto the laughs! Politics was never like this! 

Hail To The Chief airs Wednesdays at 8:30 pm Central, right after The Kapoors.

Angela's Feline Follies

An edgy new animated cartoon in the tradition of The Simpsons and The Family Guy! 

Angela Martin shares her cozy, tastefully decorated home with a group of zany talking cats– who let her think she's in charge! Watch the fur fly as her ungrateful house guests comment on everything from her choice of cat food to her fashion sense, and even her taste in men!

The feline cast includes Mr. Wiffles, the lazy, overweight leader of the group who'll do anything to avoid exertion of any kind. Tabathina is the haughty female cat who's quick to criticize Angela's every move. Sprinkles II is the youngest of the group, an adorable kitten who thinks nothing of selling out his friends to curry Angela's favor. 

It's the purr-fect formula for comedy!

Angela's Feline Follies airs Sundays at 8:00 pm Central.

The Devil Wears Lane Bryant

Get ready for big laughs in this fashionable new sitcom!

The always stylish Phyllis Vance decides the time is right to leave her sales position at Dunder Mifflin and realize her life's ambition: starting her own Scranton-based fashion magazine for plus-sized women!

Everything goes smoothly until her husband, Bob Vance, insists she give his thin, chic niece a job at the magazine as her protégé. Watch as her New York style clashes with Phyllis' matronly fashion sense. The claws'll come out on the catwalk each week!

Featuring an offbeat supporting cast of models, photographers and stylists. Laughter is "in" this season!

The Devil Wears Lane Bryant airs Thursdays at 8:30 pm Central.

My Three Moms 

When Dunder Mifflin receptionist Erin Hannon receives a piece of junk mail mistakenly addressed to a "Mrs. Hannon," she takes it as a sign that her real mother is still alive and that she's not an orphan after all. 

She then leaves Scranton and heads west to San Francisco (the return address on the junk mail). She rents a room in a boarding house and discovers that the other three tenants are all women in their forties. 

Erin becomes convinced that one of her fellow boarders is her real mother. But which of the three, if any, could it be? There'll be lots of red herrings, false leads and season-ending cliffhangers before we finally tell you!

My Three Moms airs Tuesdays at 8:00 pm Central.

Flenderson P.I.

Dunder Mifflin's Human Resource Representative gets his own series in this "arresting" action/comedy. 

Bored with his pedestrian life, Toby Flenderson packs his bags and heads south to The Magic City, otherwise known as Miami. He then sets up shop as a private investigator, probing the seamy underbelly of the city's neon-soaked streets.

You'll fall in love with Toby's hilarious cast of drug lords, hookers, pimps and informants! It's elementary!

Flenderson P.I. airs Sundays at 9:00 pm Central.

Displaced

An exciting sci-fi action/mystery series. One fateful day Gabe Lewis wakes up to find his life is torn asunder. By day he manages a failing mid-level paper company, but when he goes to sleep he becomes a rogue samurai wandering the dangerous landscape of a post apocalyptic America. 

But which life is real, and which is the illusion? Both? Or neither one?

Join Gabe as he splits his time between solving trivial employee disputes and saving villagers from lawless gangs of cannibalistic psychopaths, armed only with his wits and his trusty katana blade.

Tune in each week as we pile on the mysteries and questions without ever bothering to answer anything. You'll swear we're making it up as we go along!

Displaced airs Saturdays at 9:00 pm Central.

So there you go, NBC. There's your new fall lineup. You can pay me through PayPal.