Things I Would Tweet If I Tweeted: Hi-Def TVs

It occurred to me today that we can all probably stop saying "Flat Screen" and "Hi-Def" when referring to our TVs.

I'm pretty sure they stopped making picture tube and low-def sets a long time ago. They're just "TVs" now.

Agent Carter Season 2, Episode 3: Better Angels

This week's Agent Carter moves right along, as it brings back a fan-favorite character, resurrects a dead one we all knew was alive, and references a couple of real-life Hollywood personalities.

I was glad to see the return of Howard Stark, even if it was for just one episode. He definitely livens up the show. He's an interesting character— he's rude, vain, egotistic and a shameless womanizer. He's also a certified genius, and quite a progressive thinker too (as demonstrated in this episode when he drops everything to help Dr. Wilkes). The character shouldn't work, but somehow he does. Kudos to actor Dominic Cooper for making him such a likable asshole.

Right now there are actually two Howard Starks running around the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Dominic Cooper plays the younger Howard Stark, while John Slattery plays the older version. Besides looking absolutely nothing alike, the two actors couldn't be more different. Cooper plays Stark as fun-loving bad boy, while Stattery's version is all business, which I'm sure is confusing to casual viewers. Marvel really needs to pick a Stark and stick with him, and I vote for Cooper. How hard could it be to age him up a bit when they need the older version?

Cooper is obviously channeling Robert Downey Jr.'s performance of Tony Stark here, giving the two characters a familial link. It's an odd situation— Tony Stark's character was established in the movies first, so his father Howard is following in his footsteps, instead of the other way around.

SPOILERS!

The Plot:

Peggy and Chief Sousa search the late Dr. Jason Wilkes apartment, and find evidence suggesting he was a communist. Peggy believes Isodyne planted to evidence to discredit Wilkes. Peggy returns to the SSR office, where she's surprised to see Chief Thompson has flown in from New York. He tries to get Peggy to sign a report stating that Wilkes was a commie, but she refuses. He signs his name to it instead, and Peggy leaves in a huff.

Peggy and Jarvis visit Howard Stark's movie studio, where he's filming a movie based on the Kid Colt comic book. Peggy shows Stark the Zero Matter film, and he's both intrigued and terrified by the substance's potential uses. While looking through Wilkes' papers, Stark finds a pin like the one the Council Of Nine were all wearing last week. He identifies it as an Arena Club pin. Peggy wants to plant bugs inside the club, but Stark tells her it's a men's only establishment.

Stark comes up with a plan. He pretends to join the Arena Club, then says it's too stuffy and brings in a bevy of buxom young women-- including Peggy. During all the commotion she sneaks into the rear of the Club, planting bugs here and there. She finds the Council Of Nine's chamber and plants a bug inside, but it shorts out. Oddly enough she also finds a copy of tomorrow's newspaper, complete with a headline saying a prominent senator is resigning in disgrace. Apparently the Council not only controls the news, but the elections as well.

Back at the office, Thompson watches the Zero Matter film. When he's done, FBI Agent Vernon shows up. He says WIlkes stole a weapon before he was killed, and if Thompson has any info on the incident, it's his duty to hand it over. Vernon says Thompson "will know it when he sees it." Peggy returns to the office and tells Thompson about the Council's prophetic newspaper. He refuses to believe her and they argue. He orders her to return to New York. On her way out, she notices items on her desk floating in mid-air.

Fearing she's been contaminated by Zero Matter, Peggy goes to Stark, who says there's a disruption in the gravity field around her. He mixes up a chemical that can makes invisible wavelengths visible. He sprays the mix in front of Peggy, and Wilkes appears. Comic book science! It seems the Zero Matter explosion didn't kill him, but made him intangible. He's been following Peggy around (!), trying to make her notice him. Wilkes tells Peggy that Whitney Frost caused the Zero Matter explosion when she tried to steal it. Stark vows to cure Wilkes.

Peggy visits Whitney Frost, and accuses her of trying to steal the Zero Matter. She denies it of course, and later forces her husband, Calvin Chadwick, to eliminate Peggy. Chadwick sends an assassin named Hunt to kill Peggy, but she ends up kicking his ass and sending him running. The next day Thompson hands the Zero Matter film over to Vernon, claiming he didn't watch it. Vernon takes Thompson to the Arena Club, and introduces him to Chadwick. He notices a newspaper with the exact headline Peggy warned him about. Whoops!

Stark heads to Peru to consult with an expert on Wilkes' condition. Sousa tells Peggy he did some digging, and discovered a woman named Agnes Cully, who invented some sort of wartime technology. Cully's stage name is-- Whitney Frost. Peggy realizes Frost is the brains of the entire Isodyne operation.

Whitney Frost sits in her dressing room, worrying over the crack in her forehead caused by the Zero Matter explosion. Her director comes in, sees the crack and asks what's going on. Suddenly a mass of Zero Matter erupts from Frost's hands, absorbing the director. Frost notices the crack on her forehead is now bigger.

Thoughts:

• Ever since he was introduced, Howard Stark has been the Marvel Cinematic Universe's equivalent of Howard Hughes. Nowhere was that more evident than in this episode, in which Stark not only owns his own movie studio, but is directing a film as well.

In addition to being an aviator, engineer and inventor, the real life Howard Hughes owned RKO Studios (as well as their theaters and radio network) and began overseeing all the company's films. He eventually sold the studio to the General Tire and Rubber Company, but retained ownership of all films made under his watch.

• When Peggy visits Stark's studio, he's filming a Kid Colt movie. Kid Colt was an early Marvel Comics character. Unfortunately his first appearance was in 1948, a year after this episode was set. Whoops!

When Peggy sees what Stark is filming, she says, "A movie based on a comic book? Sounds like a dreadful idea!" Meta Humor Alert! 

I guess Peggy must not go to the movies much, or she'd know that the idea of a comic book movie wasn't new. The Captain Marvel serial premiered in 1941, and there was a Batman one in 1943. I suppose we could cut Peggy some slack here, as Fawcett and DC characters probably don't exist in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

• When Stark offers Peggy a role as a "sassy beer wench" in his movie, she says, "I'd rather be the cowboy!"

I'll bet you anything this is referring to Hayley Atwell's comment about Doctor Who last year. When asked in an interview if she'd ever consider playing the Doctor's companion, she replied, "I'd rather be the Doctor!"

• When Stark comments on how white Jarvis is, he claims he's 1/16th Turkish.

• Last week when Chief Thomspon tried to interrogate Dottie Underwood, she overturned a table, pinned him to the floor and darned near crushed his neck with it. This week Peggy makes a comment about Thompson's disastrous encounter with Dottie. How'd she know about that? She was on her way to LA when that happened.

Maybe she heard the office gossip about the incident?

• In the first episode, we saw Peggy entering the SSR's west coast division. It's inside a small-time talent agency, accessible behind a wall of fake filing cabinets.

So when FBI Agent Vernon visited Thompson at the SSR in this episode, does that mean he had to go through the talent agency and file cabinet covers too?

• Howard Stark meets a member of the Arena Club and says, "Let's do lunch." Did people really say that in 1947? I'm betting not.

• The Arena Club has a strict "No Women Allowed" rule. Stark brazenly flaunts this policy by bringing in a carload of young starlets.

If women aren't allowed inside the Arena Club, why does the maitre d have a "Code Pink" to deal with them? No one would come up with a code for a situation before it arises. Obviously women have crashed the place before.

And I doubt people said "Code 'Blank" in 1947 either.

• When Peggy's planting bugs in the Arena Club, she sneaks into the Council Of Nine's secret board room. She plants a bug under their table, but it begins emitting feedback so she destroys it. Just then a security guard enters, suspicious. She messes with one of the bugs, exposing its wires and jamming a fake flower from her dress into it, before placing it under the table.

At first I thought she was trying to start a small fire to create a distraction, so she could escape the board room unnoticed. But there was never any smoke or flame, and she escaped just fine. So what the heck was the deal with the hacked bug? It feels like a scene or two missing here.

You'd also think a top notch spy like Peggy would have taken one of the "tomorrow's newspapers" as evidence.

• When Peggy infiltrates the Council Of Nine's boardroom, she finds a copy of tomorrow's paper, implying the group is rigging the upcoming election. The paper is dated Wednesday, July 16, 1947. That date really did fall on a Wednesday! Kudos to the prop man for getting that detail right!

• I told you Dr. Wilkes wasn't dead!

• Last week I said I thought Jason Wilkes might turn out to be Marvel Comics character Shroud. Well, I was way off base there. 

Turns out there was a very obscure Marvel character named Professor Jason Wilkes. He appeared in Tales Of Suspense in 1962 (about a year before the Marvel Comics Universe started up).

Comic book Wilkes was a scientist who was contacted by the commies to invent an invisibility ray for them. He does so, and tests it on himself. Unfortunately he not only becomes invisible, but intangible as well, and has no way to turn on the "antidote" ray.

• Also last week I said that since this was a comic book show, I wished they'd add more fantastical elements to it, like ray guns or jetpacks. Well, be careful what you wish for. This week's episode featured pseudo science that would make Ed Wood look away in embarrassment! None of it makes a lick of sense.

First of all, Wilkes is invisible and intangible. Peggy sticks her hand through his shoulder, and at one point Stark walks right through him. Yet somehow he's still alive, and has been able to breathe for several days. Shouldn't he have suffocated within minutes of the Zero Matter explosion, as the air leaked out of his insubstantial lungs?

Stark then gives us a lecture on how movie film is created and developed, and whips up a photochemical potion that makes Wilkes visible again, but not solid. Then just to prove that they hate us, the writers say Wilkes can't speak, because his vocal chords are immaterial and can't vibrate the air. So Stark sprays his potion into Wilkes throat, and viola! He can speak. So the potion makes him visible but not material, but it can make his vocal chords solid enough to allow him to speak.

Um... I'm not even sure how to respond to that.

And I'm still not sure what was up with the items floating above Peggy's desk and around her body. Stark says a disruption in her gravity field is causing the items to float, but that doesn't make any sense. Was that Wilkes moving things around, trying to get her attention? If so, he shouldn't be able to handle any objects, since he's intangible and his hands would go right through them.

This episode's science is making me have one of my sick headaches.

• Stark sends Jarvis out to pick up scientific components, and then says to buy him some Velveeta while he's out. I checked, and Velveeta really was around in 1947. It was invented way back in 1923.

• After Mr. Hunt attacks Peggy, Stark increases the security around his mansion. Unfortunately this consists of a very unintimidating alarm with Jarvis' voice. When Jarvis hears this, he says he has no desire to spend eternity as a disembodied voice. Another Meta Humor Alert!

• Near the end of the episode, Howard Stark flies off to Peru to meet with Professor Abner Brody (and to get back to AMC to film Preacher). I wonder if that was an obscure Indiana Jones reference? Indy regularly visited countries like Peru, his mentor was Abner Ravenwood, and his museum curator friend was Marcus Brody. I don't know if that's what they had in mind, but it all fits.

• Sousa tells Peggy that Whitney Frost's real name is Agnes Cully, and she invented some sort of wartime code breaking machine. This is obviously a reference to real life actress Hedy Lamarr, who, along with George Antheil, invented a way to used frequency hopping to control torpedoes in WWII.

• Obviously Whitney Frost is on track to become Marvel villain Madame Masque. But the comic version of Masque had no actual superpowers. She was just a skilled fighter and spy. She for damn sure couldn't absorb people into her own body! Obviously this version of Madame Masque is moving in a different direction.

I've Had It With These Monkey Fighting People Feeding Themselves To These Monday To Friday Snakes!

This week the Discovery Channel announced an upcoming new special titled Eaten Alive, in which a man wearing a "snake proof suit" will allow himself to be eaten by an anaconda.

I know what you're thinking. "Alright, Bob, that's enough. Your little 'comedy' posts are getting out of hand." Unfortunately this is not me desperately trying to come up with blog content. Sadly it appears to be all too true.

In Eaten Alive, wildlife filmmaker Paul Rosolie, someone we're apparently supposed to have heard of, will don a protective suit covered in pig's blood to make himself more "palatable." He'll then dive headfirst into the gullet of a live anaconda and presumably film what's inside. Hopefully the snake in question will be bigger than the one in the photo above.

There's no info available as to how he plans to get out of the snake. I'm assuming he'll have a rope tied to his ankle, so they can yank him back out? 

Man, am I kicking myself right now for getting rid of cable! This is truly a Golden Age of television.

Remember when the Discovery Channel aired documentaries about science, wildlife and history? Yeah, me either.

So what about the snake? Does he get to weigh in on this? It seems not only cruel, but downright unnecessary. Surely to Thor we've adequately mapped the inside of snakes by now to see what makes them tick. I could see if maybe the snake had swallowed Rosolie's wedding ring or car keys and he wanted to crawl in and grab 'em, but to do it for the sake of ratings just seems wrong.

Rosolie has tried to quiet critics by assuring him that the snake won't be harmed. He issued this statement on his website:

"For those worried about animal cruelty, I invite you to research my work — read my book "Mother of God: An Extraordinary Journey into the Uncharted Tributaries of the Western Amazon." Then ask yourself: would this person ever hurt an animal?"

Yes! Yes you would! And you don't even have a good reason for hurting the snake. You're doing as a ratings stunt for cable TV!

Normally I roll my eyes at PETA and think they're a bunch of publicity-seeking nutjobs (calling fish "sea kittens" so people won't want to eat them). In this case though I hope they step up and put a stop to this idiocy.

And what the hell is a "snake proof suit" anyway? Is it like a suit of armor, or Kevlar riot gear? I'm imagining it's probably more like a big mail sack.

I can't imagine there's all that much to see inside a snake anyway. Have you ever seen an image of an upper GI endoscopy? You know, where they stick a camera down your throat? It looks like the inside of a pink, slimy tube. I can't imagine the interior of a snake looking much different.

Meh. The Simpsons already did this years ago. And better.

It's Not The Years, It's The Mileage

I was poking around on the Information Super Highway today and noticed this. Above is a recent shot of Rick and Daryl from Season 5 of The Walking Dead.

And here's a shot of the two of them from Season 1.

Jesus Jetskiing Christ, look at them! They look like kids with their little baby faces. This image is only five years old– so why do they look twenty years younger here?

I guess living in a zombie apocalypse tends to prematurely age a fellow. Probably not a lot of time to apply sunscreen or moisturizer when you're being chased by shambling corpses, psychotic administrators and hungry cannibals.

News Flash

Last week the CW network teased this image from Flash, which is set to premiere this fall. The Flash appeared on the 2013 season finale of Arrow, and is being spun off into his own show.

So far all they've seen fit to show us is his head. It looks OK as costumes go, but the fact that they're playing coy with the rest of the costume doesn't fill me with much hope. I'll bet anything he's wearing a "kewl" leather jacket of some kind instead of the traditional one piece suit like in the comics.

And of course it's dark red. We can't have a superhero wearing bright colors these days, laws no. That would be too close to the comic and might come perilously close to being fun.

One thing I don't understand-- why is the Flash a caucasian here? Isn't it standard operating procedure to race-swap all comic book characters? You know, so the producers can show us all how sensitive and progressive they are? And why on Earth didn't they make him female while they were at it? Leaving him a white male as he's traditionally been portrayed in the comics... how positively 1963 of them.

Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. Season 1, Episode 10: The Bridge

This week we finally get the inklings of a story arc, just in time for the mid-season break.

They really threw everything into this one-- Mike Peterson, Raina (the Girl In The Flower Dress), Centipede, the eyeball cameras with the kill switch and more. If you've not been watching regularly you were probably sitting there scratching your head, wondering who all these people are and what the hell's going on.

• Hey, Mike Peterson, the super powered guy from the pilot episode is back! I have to confess I'd forgotten his name already. I do like the character though as he brought some much needed energy to our sleepy little team of agents. It'd be great if he sticks around and becomes a permanent member of the team, but I'm betting probably won't happen.

• So what's the deal with that Centipede device on Peterson's arm? Several times they mention it contains a "Centipede serum." So how does he recharge or refill it? If it runs out does he lose his super powers? Does S.H.I.E.L.D. have the serum as well?

• As Simmons examines Peterson, she gets all flustered by his "perfect" physique and gushes over him like a giddy schoolgirl.

First of all, while Peterson looks fit, he's not massively built like Thor or Captain America. Simmons must not get out much. Then again, she hangs out with Fitz all day, so maybe Peterson really does look that good to her.

Second, Simmons' dialog in this scene is truly cringeworthy and made me feel sorry for poor Elizabeth Henstridge. I wonder if actors ever get their script for the week, leaf through it and say, "Sweet Jesus, are you serious? I am not saying these lines!"

The same goes for Coulson and Ward's "A whole class about women?" conversation.

• Speaking of Coulson and Ward, the scenes in which they were driving around in Lola looked really… odd. The lighting was harsh, the car was bouncing around like crazy-- it looked like they filmed the scene with a cell phone camera.

• For several weeks now Coulson and others have been telling us in no uncertain terms that telepathic and telekinetic powers do not exist. I'm not sure why they're so adamant in this belief, considering they live in a world full of aliens, gods and green rage monsters.

I'm betting this is set up for some plot point that'll involve a big reveal of a telepathic enemy. Most likely The Clairvoyant that they kept mentioning in this episode.

I guess this means no crossovers with the X-Men, eh? That would never happen anyway, as they're owned by Fox and as such aren't part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but this "no psychic powers" thing pretty much cinches it. Professor Xavier definitely has telepathic powers and Jean Grey is telekinetic, so obviously they're off living in their own little parallel universe.

• Coulson mentions-- very offhandedly-- that the Avengers don't know that he's still alive.

Whaaa?? He's really let them all go on believing he's dead for over a year? Does he ever plan on telling them? Now that I think about it, how could they not know? It's not like he's using an alias and got plastic surgery, he's walking around the same as he always did. Surely at least one of the Avengers would have ran into him by now and asked WTF.

Now that I think about it he seemed pretty chummy with Pepper Potts in Avengers too. Is he letting her think he's dead too? And what about the cellist he mentions here? The one he first mentioned in Avengers. He says he has to let her think he's dead too. Because... I don't know. Security?

If any of the Avengers ever did see him wandering the halls of S.H.I.E.L.D., wouldn't they be mightily pissed? Nick Fury used Coulson's death to bring the Avengers together, so I'm sure they wouldn't be happy about being manipulated so.

I'm betting they're saving this particular revelation for Avengers 2.

• When Peterson suits up and goes on a mission with the rest of the team, he wears a uniform that looks very much like those worn by the X-Men. Somebody at Marvel really likes black leather.

• There's a theory going around online that Skye's mysterious mother, who left her at the orphanage, is really Melinda May. I didn't subscribe to that particular theory at first, but this episode makes it seem pretty darn likely.

• Raina arranges a meeting on a bridge to exchange Peterson for his son Ace. It's a good thing she brought along her super powered bodyguard. At one point Peterson reaches out and clutches Raina by the neck, threatening to snap her neck. The entire time he's holding her by the throat, her super bodyguard stands passively next to her, moving nary a muscle.

OK, I get that the bodyguard is probably holding back to save her, but… couldn't he have raised his fists or assumed some sort of threatening posture, instead of standing there like he was waiting for the bus?

• The episode ends on a  cliffhanger, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. I doubt anything happens to Coulson, and hey, if it does, they can just make another copy of him, right? Ward was shot but won't die, because he didn't get a tearful farewell. And I'm betting Peterson will show up again too. Remember the Comic Book Death Rule: If you don't see a body, then they're not dead!

Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. Season 1, Episode 4: Eye Spy

I don't have a lot to say about this episode-- to be honest I actually dozed off toward the end! I'm not sure it was the show's fault or I was just really sleepy. Either way I hope things pick up soon in this series or I'm gonna drop it.

This week S.H.I.E.L.D. investigates a woman with x-ray vision who's committed numerous high profile heists. She turns out to be Akela Amadour, a former protege of Coulson. He summons the team to capture her, believing she deserves another chance.

• Directed by Roxanne Dawson, who played B'Elanna Torres on Star Trek: Voyager. Torres directed several episodes of Voyager and has become quite a prolific TV director since.

• I've been saying for several weeks now that if this show can't be The Avengers every week, then it needs to try and be more like Fringe. Looks like they took my advice! This week's episode felt very much like a first season Fringe episode. Maybe it was a rejected script the Fringe reject pile?

• I was hoping Akela might turn out to be a character from the Marvel Universe, but instead she's just some woman with a bionic eye and x-ray vision. Marvel has hundreds of characters they could easily use on this show. I wonder if they're hesitant to do so because they don't want to waste a villain on the TV show and then not be able to use them in a movie?

• At the beginning of the episode a squadron of men wearing creepy red masks and briefcases handcuffed to them walk purposefully through a city in Switzerland (I think). Are they minions of the Red Skull? Members of the Red Tide? No, they're diamond mules.

This I don't get. Someone wanted to transport millions in diamonds and decided the best way to do so was to utilize dozens of lookalikes as decoys, only one of which was really carrying the diamonds. That way the odds of a thief stealing the right briefcase were slim at best. But then why dress all the decoys in creepy red masks? Wouldn't it have been better if they'd just worn hats and dark glasses so they'd blend in with the crowd a bit more? Why make them stand out so much and practically beg a crook to attack them?

The only reason I can come up with is that the red masks made it more comic booky, and this is a comic book universe.

• So Aleka had x-ray vision and could tell which briefcase contained the diamonds. Did she have super strength as well? She beat up a subway car full of soldiers and even ripped the hand off of one to get his briefcase. Quite a feat for a 120 pound woman.

• Once again, May is flying a gigantic airplane all by herself. No copilot, no navigator, no nothing. She even comments that she likes flying because of the solitude in the cabin. Nope!

I realize this is a comic book show, but I don't think you can fly an enormous plane like that with a crew of six.

Now that I think about it, is there any kind of crew on the "Bus?" A grounds crew? Technicians? Maintenance men? Who vacuums the carpets and cleans the bathrooms? Couslon? 

• Akela is being controlled by someone else who can see her every move through her bionic eye. If she disobeys or tries to betray this mystery man, he'll throw a kill switch and explode her head.

S.H.I.E.L.D. captures her and sends Ward to complete her mission. They rig up some technobabble glasses so that the mystery man will see what Ward sees and he's watching Akela's point of view. 

The mystery man must be really unobservant. Did Ward never once look down at his hands or feet, allowing the mystery man to see that he's not a black woman? Did he never look into his car's rear or side view mirrors? Did the mystery man not notice that his video feed is suddenly coming from six feet off the ground instead of five?

• At the end of the episode Akela asks May what happened to Coulson, then quickly drops the subject. Obviously she saw something odd about him with her x-ray vision. We can't be told what she saw though because it's only the fourth episode and they've got to drag out the mystery, LOST-style.

• In the tag scene Ward and Fitz are playing poker. Fitz wants Skye to use the backscatter x-ray feature of the technobabble glasses to see Ward's cards. Skye warns Fitz that if she turns them on, she'll be able to see his naked body under his clothes. He blushes and folds, hurriedly scampering away before she can get a peep at him.

It's supposed to be a cutesy moment, but it's just plain dumb. Have you seen what those backscatter images look like? They're about as erotic as your grandma's nightgown. We even saw a backscatter image of May earlier in the episode and she looked like an amorphous blob, so this whole little tag scene made zero sense.

I guess I had a lot to say about it after all.

Nipple Threat

I've been re-watching Season One of Community all this week. If you've never seen it I highly recommend it. Stop reading right now and go watch it on your favorite video transmitting device.

Anyhoo, there's a story arc in which the Britta character is casually dating a guy named Vaughn. He's a hacky-sack playing hippy type who rarely wears a shirt and there's a running joke on the show about how he has extremely tiny nipples.

Here's a shot of Vaughn sans shirt from the episode The Politics Of Human Sexuality. As you can see, his nipples are pretty darned small.

Naturally I assumed that this is just the way the actor was born, and once they saw the size of his nipples they wrote that fact into the show.

But take a look at another take of the same scene from the blooper reel. Suddenly Vaughn has normal, human-sized nipples. Ones that fall well within the normal bell curve for adult man-teat sizes. What the heck's going on here?

The only answer I can come up with is that Vaughn really has normal sized nipples and some poor schlub at a CGI effects house in LA had to sit at his computer and shrink them in every frame in which they appeared. Hey man, good gig!

"Hey Joe, did you hear? I just got hired by ILM to work on the new Star Wars movies!"

"That's awesome!"

"So what are you working on these days?

"Um... I'm working on some TV show."

"Oh yeah? Which one? Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Under The Dome? The Walking Dead? 

"Uh, no. It's Community."

"Community? Huh. That's a good show, but I wouldn't think they'd need any CGI. Whaddya do over there?"

"Uh... I um... shrinkaguysnipples."

"What's that?"

"shrinkaguysnipples."

"Dude, I can't hear what you're saying."

"I SAID I SHRINK A GUY'S NIPPLES, OK? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? YEAH, I SIT THERE ALL GODDAMNED DAY AND SHRINK HIS NIPPLES IN EVERY. SINGLE. SCENE. I've got nipples com in' out of my butt, man! I've seen so many nipples I'm startin' to dream about 'em!"

"Yeahhhh. OK, so I'm gonna go over here now and pretend I'm looking at my phone."

Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. Season 1, Episode 2: 0-8-4

This week the team travels to Peru and finds a box with blinking lights that turns out to be a weapon that everyone wants. A woman who may or may not be Coulson's ex betrays him in an effort to steal said box. The various team members argue to pad out the run time, they get captured, they blow a hole in side of the plane to defeat the bad guys, and they shoot the blinking box into the sun.

I'm very happy that we have a TV series set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and I really, really want to like this show, but… so far it's not wowing me. It's just kind of meh.

Take the 0-8-4 in this episode, for example. Supposedly that's S.H.I.E.L.D. code for an unknown, potentially dangerous object. The last time they used that code was when they found Thor's hammer in a crater in the desert at the end of Iron Man 2. So what does the 0-8-4 mean here? Ehh, just a blue box with lights on it, that might have been built by Hydra (the villains in the Captain America movie). Yawn.

They're going to need to step things up if they want this show to survive. I'm afraid that viewers are going to be expecting to see Iron Man and The Avengers level plot lines each week, but when they see stories about blinking boxes they're gonna start tuning out.

The characters aren't helping either. So far Coulson and Melinda May are the only interesting members of the team, and even then they're not exactly crackling with excitement. So far Grant's been a bland cypher, Fitz and Simmons are becoming annoying and Skye seems to serve no function whatsoever. If they can't make these characters more compelling, and soon, they need to torpedo them pronto and bring in someone more exciting.

Now that I think of it, this series reminds me a lot of Torchwood. Just like the BBC said, "Hey, let's do a Doctor Who show without the Doctor!," ABCs doing an Avengers show without the Avengers.

Peppering the script with shout-outs to Tony Stark and Thor ain't enough to keep people tuning in, guys. Plus it's never a good idea to remind people of something better they could be watching.

I hope this show succeeds, I really do. But they're gonna have to make some significant changes in order to make that happen.

Thoughts:
• So last week Coulson assembles a team, but this week we find that only two of the five have been trained for or even seen combat. Does that seem like a good idea?

• Last week we got to see the team being assembled, so of course this week we get the obligatory "Team can't get along and bickers endlessly until there's a common threat and then they all pull together at the last minute" plot.

• I get that Melinda May is a crack pilot, but can she really fly what appears to be some kind of modified C4 plane all by herself? No copilot or navigator needed?

I suppose you could say S.H.I.E.L.D. installed some kind of souped-up autopilot in the plane so one person can fly it alone. I suppose you could say that, but I remain unconvinced.

• The explosive decompression scene was very, very similar to the one in Iron Man 3. Anything that reminds me that that awful film exists is double plus ungood in my book.

• Speaking of explosive decompression, how long do you suppose it lasts in the real world? Ten seconds, tops? All that's happening is the pressurized air inside the cabin is equalizing with the thin air outside. It shouldn't take very long for that to happen.

Here it went on for a good five minutes of screen time. Long after the explosion happened the Peruvian soldiers were somehow still being sucked out of the plane. There must have been a lot of pressure in that cabin!

• Likewise, once Skye tossed the rubber raft at the hole, it too was immediately sucked up against the inner hull, keeping the pressure in. Nope!  The decompression should have ended well before then. When she tossed it, it should have just plopped to the floor. 

But let's give them this one. Let's say the decompression is still somehow going on after five minutes. If the suction is powerful enough to pull a full grown man out through the hole, why wouldn't a rubber raft be pulled through as well?

I get that this is a comic book world full of people who can fly and turn into green monsters, but everything can't be exaggerated like this. You've got to ground some of it in reality if you want us to be amazed when the super stuff happens.

• At the end of the episode the team puts the blinking box into "The Slingshot," a rocket which will carry it into the sun and destroy it. They do this because the box is too powerful a weapon for any one person or nation to possess.

Fitz mentions that it'll take eight months for the rocket to reach the sun. That seems like a awfully long time. How much do you want to bet that a few episodes from now someone's going to intercept that rocket and snatch the blinking box out of it?

• So Skye's really some kind of spy who's infiltrating S.H.I.E.L.D., eh? I honestly don't understand why she's on the team in the first place. Coulson and everyone else already knows she was the head of some kind of anarchist group. Why in the name of Aunt May's hair bun would you invite someone like that into your super spy organization?

• Holee. Crap! Samuel L. Jackson made a cameo appearance! That's amazing! And it almost made up for the meh-ness of the rest of the episode.

Has SLJ ever been on a TV series before? He's done a lot of voice work for various animated series (Afro Samurai, The Boondocks), but as far as I know this is the first time he's ever appeared in a live action show.

It was fun seeing Coulson reduced to the position of underling in the presence of his boss. Nice touch, whoever wrote that scene. See? You guys can write interesting stuff when you want to.

The most amazing thing about the whole deal is that ABC managed to keep it a secret, especially these days when people have to post photos of what they're eating for lunch. I'm honestly surprised, nay astonished, that ABC didn't run those annoying promos that take up the bottom third of the screen announcing the cameo for an entire week before it aired. The most I saw was a little spot telling viewers to stay tuned for a special appearance at the end of the episode. Whoever managed to keep the cameo on the down low, thank you for your superhuman restraint!

On the down side, I can't believe Nick Fury showed up so soon. It's only the second episode. Where are they gonna go from here? A cameo from Robert Downey Jr.?

Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot

Disney's attempt to bring the Marvel Cinematic Universe to the small screen finally premieres!

Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. was created by Joss Whedon (The Avengers, Buffy The Vampire Slayer and much more), Jed Whedon and Maurissa Tancharoen. The pilot episode was written by the trio as well, and was directed by Joss Whedon.

SPOILERS!

• All in all not a bad start, as first episodes go. It's definitely set in the Marvel Universe, and there was plenty of trademark Joss Whedon humor on display. It felt a bit like CSI: Marvel. Like a police procedural with superhero trappings thrown in now and then. It also felt a lot like the pilot episode of Fringe (which isn't necessarily a bad thing).

Naturally since this is TV the action was a bit more scaled down than in the various Marvel movies. Will that disappoint viewers who tune in expecting to see, you know, actual superheroes? They're gonna have to ramp up the super heroics quite a bit or I'm afraid viewers will become bored and start tuning out.

They'll also need to shake up the formula now and then, because if each week it's "normal citizen gets super powers and S.H.I.E.L.D. has to track them down and capture them before they destroy a city, while making witty comments" it's gonna get old fast.

It was nice to see Clark Gregg as Agent Coulson back from the dead, or whatever happened to him. The rest of the characters seemed pretty weak though. I guess that's to be expected-- you can only squeeze in so much character development in a pilot episode. Hopefully they'll flesh out the team a bit more in subsequent shows.

It would be awesome if Samuel L. Jackson or Robert Downey Jr. made a surprise cameo in an episode, but I wouldn't hold my breath. If it did happen, there's no way it would be a secret. Disney and ABC would promote the ever-living hell out of their appearance every hour on the hour for months prior.

Thoughts (SPOILERS!):

• I liked Agent Coulson's dramatic reveal as he stepped out of the shadows in front of a gobsmacked Agent Ward. "Sorry, that corner was really dark and I couldn't help myself. I think there's a bulb out."

• At the beginning of the episode, unemployed factory worker Mike Peterson sees a building explode. Surprise! Peterson secretly has super strength. He climbs the burning building and rescues a woman, leaping from the top floor to the ground far below while holding her.

Luckily for the woman he was holding the laws of physics weren't paying attention. He landed with enough force to literally crack the pavement beneath his feet, all while holding the woman. Realistically she should have broken in half when he hit the ground.

• I liked all the little nods to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The Chitauri communicator from The Avengers, as well as references to Tony Stark, the Hulk, Thor, and Loki. They even offhandedly mentioned Natasha Romonov the Black Widow. 

It's very cool that events in the films influenced the pilot here. It really helps sell the idea that these shows and movies all take place in one big universe, just like they used to do in Marvel Comics. I wonder if the reverse will be true? Will the next Thor movie contain references to this TV series? Doubtful, but who knows?

It's amazing how effortlessly Marvel handles all this crossover stuff. It really does make it seem like all their properties are taking place in the same world. Meanwhile DC and Warner Bros. can't make one decent superhero movie to save their lives.

• A sampling of that patented Whedon dialogue: 

Agent Hill: What does S.H.I.E.L.D. stand for, Agent Ward?

Agent Ward: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.

Agent Hill: And what does that mean to you?

Agent Ward: That someone really wanted our initials to spell out "shield."

• Nice to see Ron Glass on TV again. Glass is a  native of Evansville, Indiana, my home city. Why, we're practically related!

Also good to see Ming Na Wen as well. Seems like I've been watching her on TV forever. I can remember seeing her on As The World Turns in the 1980s! Can you believe she turns 50 this year? Amazing!

• So it's implied that Agent Coulson actually did die at the hands of Loki in The Avengers. Is the Coulson we're seeing here a clone? Does Nick Fury have a vault full of replacement Coulsons somewhere down in the basement?

• I saw Stan Lee listed in the credits as some sort of producer. I love Stan, but I'm betting his total involvement in this series consisted of someone saying, "Hey Stan, we're doing a S.H.I.E.L.D. show" and he said, "Sounds good to me!"

• So we think Mike Peterson is a hero, but he turns out to be the villain of the week. True to form for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, he's not really bad, he's just misunderstood. Or being used. Just once I'd like to see a villain who's evil because he's just an asshole. Loki comes close, but even he has deep-seating psychological reasons for his villainy.

• So Mike Peterson's not a mutant, he got his superpowers from the Extremis formula. Thanks, Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. for reminding me that the awful Iron Man 3 film exists.

• Once the agents figure out who Peterson is and the threat he poses (blowing up himself and anyone nearby), they say they only have two choices: Kill him or let him die. Coulson immediately says, "We need to come up with a third option."

Kudos to the writing team for this line. Hear that, Man Of Steel writers? You don't have to have your hero snap the villain's neck to learn that killing is wrong.

• At the end of the pilot Agent Coulson is tooling around in his beloved car Lola. He pushes a button on the dash and Lola transforms into a flying car, zooming offscreen.

Nick Fury had a flying car very much like this one (except it wasn't bright red) in the comics back in the 1960s.

Next week the Agents face a Code 084, whatever that is.