Happy Tenth Anniversary To The Avengers!

Hard to believe, but today marks the TENTH anniversary of The Avengers! Ten years already! How the heck is that even possible?

The Avengers was the sixth film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and was the end result of five years of careful planning and coordinating. Marvel took the various characters they introduced in Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger, and then brought them all together in an epic team up film.

It was a risky move, and one that'd never tried before. If even one of the previous films had flopped at the box office, the whole project might have collapsed and we'd never have gotten The Avengers. 

Fortunately that didn't happen, as the movie was a massive hit, grossing over $1.5 BILLION worldwide. It was the first (but definitely not the last!) MCU movie to pass the billion dollar mark!

As a kid, my favorite thing about Marvel Comics was the way the characters teamed up and appeared in each other's books, as if they all lived in the same world. The Avengers effortlessly utilized this shared universe concept, and I was blown away to see it recreated on the big screen. 

Unfortunately Disney doesn't know when to stop, as the MCU should have ended with the one-two punch of Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame. Instead, they insist on milking the franchise by trotting out Z-level characters that even hard core comic fans would have trouble identifying. But that's a story for another time.

Happy 10th! Avengers Assemble!

This Week In Desperate Marketing Campaigns

Marvel's next blockbuster movie Ant-Man hits theaters next month. Comic fans all know the shrinking superhero of course, but the general public has most likely never heard of him.

Marvel knows this, and realizes they're gambling on a relatively unknown property, just like they did last year with The Guardians Of The Galaxy. To that end, they've been waging an increasingly desperate marketing campaign in order to raise awareness and sell the character to the masses.

Nowhere is that more evident than in this new round of movie posters they just released. Who's film is this, anyway? The title says Ant-Man, but you can barely see him, as half the poster's real estate is taken up by Iron Man's head & shoulder. 

I'm also pretty sure Iron Man's not in the movie, so this poster constitutes fraud. False advertising, at the very least.

We get it already, guys. It's a Marvel movie. Ant-Man lives in the same world as Tony Stark and the Avengers. I'm sure we'll like him just as much.

There you go, Marvel. I fixed your poster for you.

And just in case you still don't get it, they also released a Captain America one (without Cap)...

And a Thor one, with Mjolnir instead of Thor.

Subtlety, thy name is Marvel!

Avengers 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today Marvel Studios released this new poster for Avengers: Age Of Ultron.

Looks pretty good, if a bit crowded. Best of all, after studying the poster I've deduced part of the plot! At some point in the movie, Iron Man uses his new shrink ray (that he borrows from Ant-Man) to reduce Hawkeye, Black Widow and Nick Fury down to hobbit size!

I'm betting in the finale they crawl inside Ultron and start pulling on wires and microchips until he shuts down, saving the day. It's gonna be awesome! Hurry up, May 1st!

It Came From The Cineplex: Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Captain America: The Winter Soldier was written by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely and directed by Anthony and Joe Russo. Apparently it took two people to do anything on this film.

Markus and McFeely wrote Captain America: The First Avenger (the previous movie) as well as Thor: The Dark World and The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe and all its sequels. If it's got a colon in the title, like as not they wrote it.

As for the Russo brothers, who knew the directors of You, Me And Dupree could make such a good film? Actually it should come as no surprise, since they've directed several episodes of the TV series Community, namely A Fistfull Of Paintballs and For A Few Paintballs More. They've reportedly been signed up for Captain America 3, which is good news.

I enjoyed the first Captain America movie quite a bit, and this one's just as good if not better. It's not quite as much fun as the first film, but it's a very well made and action packed political thriller.

The actors played a large part in elevating the material. Once again Chris Evans proves he's the perfect person to play Cap, as he has the wholesome and earnest thing down pat. Scarlett Johansson seems to be having a blast as Black Widow. And Anthony Mackie hits it out of the park as the Falcon, even though he didn't get a lot of screen time. Hopefully he'll turn up again soon somewhere in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And they somehow even got Robert Redford to sign on as Alexander Pierce!

The only real shortcoming? For a movie subtitled The Winter Soldier, there wasn't a lot of the Winter Soldier in it. I have a feeling this was just his introduction though, and he'll be back.

MAJOR (OR SHOULD THAT BE "CAPTAIN?") SPOILERS AHEAD!

The Plot:
Captain America has a new job working for S.H.I.E.L.D., and soon begins to think all is not right in the super secret spy organization. His suspicions are proved correct when S.H.I.E.L.D. Director Nick Fury is killed by a super powered assassin known as the Winter Soldier. S.H.I.E.L.D. official Alexander Pierce then brands Captain America a traitor.

The Captain and Black Widow seek refuge in a forgotten S.H.I.E.L.D. bunker, where they discover that HYDRA, an enemy agency from WWII, is alive and well in the 21st Century and threatening to take over not only S.H.I.E.L.D., but the world itself.

Captain America, Black Widow, Agent Maria Hill and the Falcon must then band together to defeat HYDRA and save S.H.I.E.L.D.

Oh, and to absolutely no one's surprise, the Winter Soldier turns out to be Cap's childhood friend Bucky Barnes.

Thoughts:
• Unfortunately I knew the basic plot of the film a week before I had a chance to see it. The April 8th episode of Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. was pretty much a sequel.

By the time I got around to seeing the movie, I already knew that HYDRA was back, S.H.I.E.L.D. was kaput and Nick Fury was kind of dead.

As I've said before, it's cool that the movies and the TV series are part of big happy universe. But this interconnectivity can result in major spoilers.

• S.H.I.E.L.D. has been a huge part of all the Marvel films ever since the first Iron Man film. It's the spine of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The engine that drives them, so to speak. 

It was a very bold move to destroy S.H.I.E.L.D. in this film. Obviously it'll be back at some point, but in the meantime, well done to them for having the guts to actually shake things up a bit!

• I'm not a fan of Cap's dark blue stealth suit, but it looks very much like the one he wears sometimes in the comics, so I guess I can't squawk about it too much. They're being faithful to the source material, even if I don't particularly care for the look.

At least Cap was wearing some kind of costume for the majority of the movie, unlike Tony Stark in Iron Man 3, who spent the majority of that film in civilian clothes.

• Speaking of costumes, why was Nick Fury wearing what appeared to be a Nehru jacket? I much preferred his Avengers ensemble.

By the way, this film marks the first time we've seen what's under Fury's eyepatch.

• It was fun to see Batroc and Arnim Zola, but… it would have been even more fun if they'd actually looked a bit more like their comic book counterparts.

I like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, I really do, but they seem to have trouble cutting loose. It's as if they're afraid to be too weird, lest they scare off the general public, so they play it safe when it comes to the look of certain characters.

Go for it, I say. Which would have been more awesome, the movie version of Arnim Zola who's a boring Matrix-y looking face on a computer monitor, or the comic version who's a freak with a TV camera for a head and his face on a monitor in his stomach? I know which one I'd pick.

Your movie already has a ninety-something year old super soldier who was frozen in the ice for seventy years. Why not take that last step into comic book weirdness? Captain America has a very bizarre looking rogues gallery. Why not take advantage of that?

• Cap uses his shield much more extensively all through this movie, bouncing it off walls to knock out the bad guys, and even using its energy absorbing powers to break his fall. He uses it exactly as he does in the comics. Kudos to the writers for doing their homework!

• It's starting to look like we're never going to get a Black Widow solo movie, which is too bad. Then again, it almost felt like this was her movie, as she was in virtually every scene. I guess as long as she keeps popping up like this in other Marvel films, I can live with the lack of her own movie.

 • At the risk of sounding like some overprotective Soccer Mom, I'm surprised that the filmmakers don't have Steve Rogers wear a helmet when he was tooling around on his motorcycle. He definitely looks cooler without one, but Captain America is a huge role model for kids, so you'd think they'd stick a helmet on his head to send a message to all the kids in the audience. Just because he'd likely survive a helmet-less crash doesn't mean his fans would. 

• Steve Roger's neighbor Sharon (who poses as a nurse) turns out to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent who's keeping an eye on him. 

I'm assuming this is Sharon Carter, who in the comics was Cap's sometime girlfriend. And she's the niece of Peggy Carter, his 1940s love interest from the first film.

• I wonder if Tony Stark designed the artificial intelligence in Nick Fury's S.H.I.E.L.D.-issue SUV? Because it sure sounds and acts a LOT like Iron Man's JARVIS system.

• Reading behind the scenes movie info is fun, but can be a down side to it. When Nick Fury was "killed," I knew he wasn't really dead. How'd I know? Am I psychic? A good guesser? Did I read the script? No, I knew he wasn't really dead because this is the sixth movie in Samuel L. Jackson't nine film deal with Marvel. There's no way they're going to kill off his character while he's still got three films left on his contract. They're not going to pay him to sit at home!

• Nick Fury "dies" on the operating table, and of course his doctor wheels in the defibrillator unit and heroically tries to shock him back to life. 

This is an old, old refrain, but one more time: DEFIB UNITS DO NOT WORK LIKE THIS!!! They are not jumper cables for your heart! If your heart has stopped, a defib unit will do absolutely nothing for you. The doctor can shock you for hours until your nose hair ignites, but it absolutely will not restart your heart.

How this particular trope ever got started, I have no idea. It's got staying power though, I'll give it that. It absolutely will not go away.

• When the Winter Soldier appears, we see he's got a red star painted on his bionic arm. A red star is the symbol of Russia. According to the backstory we got, Arnim Zola found the injured Bucky Barnes, rebuilt him and then wiped his mind. He then became a HYRDA assassin. So he worked for the the Russians and HYDRA as well? I don't recall any mention of that, but if so, he's been a busy boy the past seventy years.

• Chris Evans has three films left in his Marvel contract. Most likely he'll star in two more Avengers films and one more Captain America.

Sebastian Stan, who plays the Winter Soldier/Bucky, reportedly just signed a six film deal with Marvel (!). Some have speculated that at some point Steve Rogers will either retire or be killed off, and Bucky will become the new Captain America. 

That exact thing happened in the comics, so it's entirely possible it could happen in the films as well. 

• This is admittedly some extreme nitpicking, but here goes. S.H.I.E.L.D. stands for Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement Logistics Division, which is as tortured an acronym as I've ever heard. 

When Cap and Black Widow visit the forgotten S.H.I.E.L.D. bunker in New Jersey, we see the current emblem on the door. The thing is, I don't ever recall hearing anyone say the word "homeland," as in "homeland security," until the late 2000s. This bunker looks like it was abandoned sometime around the 1960s or 1970s.

The exact meaning of S.H.I.E.L.D. has changed many times over the years in the comics. It originally stood for Supreme Headquarters, International Espionage, Law Enforcement Division, and that would have been a more appropriate meaning for a 1960s bunker. But it would have been too confusing if they'd used more than one acronym definition in the film, so I'm willing to give them this one. 

• By the way, in the bunker we see photos of the three founders of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Colonel Chester Philips, Howard Stark and Peggy Carter. All three were in the first Captain America film.

• In the underground bunker, Arnim Zola gives Black Widow's birth year as 1984. Whoops!

She's mentioned several times that she was a former KGB agent, but that organization was dissolved in 1991. Was she really a secret agent when she was seven? She did have a line in The Avengers about starting out young, but sheesh!

• Speaking of Black Widow, all through the film she wears a necklace with a small arrow pendant. I'm assuming from that we're to guess there's something going on between her and Hawkeye?

• Well would you look at that! This movie featured the Falcon, a cool black superhero who was actually black in the comics. They didn't have to take a white character and turn him into a black one, against all reason and logic (I'm lookin' at you, awful upcoming Fantastic Four reboot).

By the way, the Falcon's wings have a Stark Industries logo on them. 

• Agent Sitwell, we hardly knew ye!

It turns out that Sitwell was a secret HYDRA agent all along, which was surprising, as he's been a fixture in the Marvel Cinematic Universe for quite some time. He had bit parts in Thor, The Avengers and several episodes of Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. I'll actually miss him.

• Sitwell mentions a list of people that HYDRA considers to be threats, one of which is Steven Strange! Comic fans will recognize that name as the alter ego of Marvel's Doctor Strange! So were they just throwing a bone to the comic fans, or will we be seeing the Sorcerer Supreme in his own film one of these days?

• A bloated Gary Shandling returns as Senator Stern. Stern first appeared in Iron Man 2, trying to coerce Tony Stark into giving up his Iron Man technology.
 
• Skinny Steve returns! And the effect is just as amazing as it was last time.

• During the big HYDRA attack, Danny Pudi (Abed of Community fame) pops up in a cameo role. Not surprising, given the director's Community link. As much as I like Pudi, I have to admit it was a little jarring. And it occurred to me that he's going to have a lot of trouble shaking his Abed image once Community's done.

• There was a lot of action and awesome fight scenes in the film-- I think. The directors used extensive use of the patented Shaky Cam™ Filming System, rendering much of the action incomprehensible.

I'll never understand why filmmakers do this. Why hire fight coordinators and train your actors and hire stunt people and film your scenes like the camera's sitting on an unbalanced washing machine?

• In the third act, Alexander Pierce welcomes the visiting World Council members to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters and gives them special all-access security badges. Later he reveals that he's actually a HYDRA agent and can use the badges to burn a hole in the Council Members' chests if they don't cooperate.

Black Widow is posing as one of the Council Members, and surrenders to Pierce when he threatens to detonate her security badge. She must have been really flustered by his treason, because she apparently forgets that she could simply take off her jacket and be rid of the deadly badge.

• At the end of the film, HYDRA Agent Brock Rumlow battles the Falcon, and is engulfed in an explosion when two helicarriers collide.

Later we see Rumlow lying on an operating table, burned almost beyond recognition. The camera lingers an abnormally long time on him, indicating that something's up.

In the comics Rumlow is the alter ego of the villain known as Crossbones. Apparently they're setting him up here for a future appearance.

• The epitaph on Nick Fury's tombstone reads, "The Path Of The Righteous Man. Ezekiel 15:17." That's a Pulp Fiction reference.

• Since this is a Marvel movie, you know what that means-- end credit scenes! The first of them packs quite a bit of info into itself. We're introduced to Baron von Strucker, a high-ranking HYDRA agent from the comics. He's apparently performing experiments on two "miracle" twins, one of which can move at superhuman speeds, and one with telekinetic powers. 

Of course these twins are Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch, who will both be showing up in The Avengers 2: Even Avengier. Awesome!

You might wonder why Strucker calls them "miracles" instead of mutants, which they most definitely are. It boils down to legal reasons. Fox unfortunately owns all the X-Men characters, and apparently even the word "mutant." So Marvel can't use the word in regard to their own superheroes. Weird.

We also see that Strucker is conducting some sort of experiments on Loki's scepter, last seen in The Avengers. It's pretty obvious that the glowing blue stone in the scepter is another of the Infinity Gems. This makes three we know of so far. The other two are the Tesseract (from The Avengers) and the Aether (from Thor: The Dark World).

There are a total of six Infinity Gems, and whoever possesses them all will have the powers of a god. The evil alien Thanos (the purple faced guy from the end of The Avengers) is looking for them all, and when he finds them he'll most likely be the big bad in Avengers 3. Cool!

• In the final end credits scene, the brainwashed Bucky goes to the Smithsonian to see the Captain America exhibit, which includes info about himself. He must have sneaked in the rear entrance, or else his bionic arm would have set off the metal detectors!

Captain America: The Winter Soldier is a rare sequel that's as good as the original, and brings major changes to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I give it an A-.

Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. Season 1, Episode 2: 0-8-4

This week the team travels to Peru and finds a box with blinking lights that turns out to be a weapon that everyone wants. A woman who may or may not be Coulson's ex betrays him in an effort to steal said box. The various team members argue to pad out the run time, they get captured, they blow a hole in side of the plane to defeat the bad guys, and they shoot the blinking box into the sun.

I'm very happy that we have a TV series set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and I really, really want to like this show, but… so far it's not wowing me. It's just kind of meh.

Take the 0-8-4 in this episode, for example. Supposedly that's S.H.I.E.L.D. code for an unknown, potentially dangerous object. The last time they used that code was when they found Thor's hammer in a crater in the desert at the end of Iron Man 2. So what does the 0-8-4 mean here? Ehh, just a blue box with lights on it, that might have been built by Hydra (the villains in the Captain America movie). Yawn.

They're going to need to step things up if they want this show to survive. I'm afraid that viewers are going to be expecting to see Iron Man and The Avengers level plot lines each week, but when they see stories about blinking boxes they're gonna start tuning out.

The characters aren't helping either. So far Coulson and Melinda May are the only interesting members of the team, and even then they're not exactly crackling with excitement. So far Grant's been a bland cypher, Fitz and Simmons are becoming annoying and Skye seems to serve no function whatsoever. If they can't make these characters more compelling, and soon, they need to torpedo them pronto and bring in someone more exciting.

Now that I think of it, this series reminds me a lot of Torchwood. Just like the BBC said, "Hey, let's do a Doctor Who show without the Doctor!," ABCs doing an Avengers show without the Avengers.

Peppering the script with shout-outs to Tony Stark and Thor ain't enough to keep people tuning in, guys. Plus it's never a good idea to remind people of something better they could be watching.

I hope this show succeeds, I really do. But they're gonna have to make some significant changes in order to make that happen.

Thoughts:
• So last week Coulson assembles a team, but this week we find that only two of the five have been trained for or even seen combat. Does that seem like a good idea?

• Last week we got to see the team being assembled, so of course this week we get the obligatory "Team can't get along and bickers endlessly until there's a common threat and then they all pull together at the last minute" plot.

• I get that Melinda May is a crack pilot, but can she really fly what appears to be some kind of modified C4 plane all by herself? No copilot or navigator needed?

I suppose you could say S.H.I.E.L.D. installed some kind of souped-up autopilot in the plane so one person can fly it alone. I suppose you could say that, but I remain unconvinced.

• The explosive decompression scene was very, very similar to the one in Iron Man 3. Anything that reminds me that that awful film exists is double plus ungood in my book.

• Speaking of explosive decompression, how long do you suppose it lasts in the real world? Ten seconds, tops? All that's happening is the pressurized air inside the cabin is equalizing with the thin air outside. It shouldn't take very long for that to happen.

Here it went on for a good five minutes of screen time. Long after the explosion happened the Peruvian soldiers were somehow still being sucked out of the plane. There must have been a lot of pressure in that cabin!

• Likewise, once Skye tossed the rubber raft at the hole, it too was immediately sucked up against the inner hull, keeping the pressure in. Nope!  The decompression should have ended well before then. When she tossed it, it should have just plopped to the floor. 

But let's give them this one. Let's say the decompression is still somehow going on after five minutes. If the suction is powerful enough to pull a full grown man out through the hole, why wouldn't a rubber raft be pulled through as well?

I get that this is a comic book world full of people who can fly and turn into green monsters, but everything can't be exaggerated like this. You've got to ground some of it in reality if you want us to be amazed when the super stuff happens.

• At the end of the episode the team puts the blinking box into "The Slingshot," a rocket which will carry it into the sun and destroy it. They do this because the box is too powerful a weapon for any one person or nation to possess.

Fitz mentions that it'll take eight months for the rocket to reach the sun. That seems like a awfully long time. How much do you want to bet that a few episodes from now someone's going to intercept that rocket and snatch the blinking box out of it?

• So Skye's really some kind of spy who's infiltrating S.H.I.E.L.D., eh? I honestly don't understand why she's on the team in the first place. Coulson and everyone else already knows she was the head of some kind of anarchist group. Why in the name of Aunt May's hair bun would you invite someone like that into your super spy organization?

• Holee. Crap! Samuel L. Jackson made a cameo appearance! That's amazing! And it almost made up for the meh-ness of the rest of the episode.

Has SLJ ever been on a TV series before? He's done a lot of voice work for various animated series (Afro Samurai, The Boondocks), but as far as I know this is the first time he's ever appeared in a live action show.

It was fun seeing Coulson reduced to the position of underling in the presence of his boss. Nice touch, whoever wrote that scene. See? You guys can write interesting stuff when you want to.

The most amazing thing about the whole deal is that ABC managed to keep it a secret, especially these days when people have to post photos of what they're eating for lunch. I'm honestly surprised, nay astonished, that ABC didn't run those annoying promos that take up the bottom third of the screen announcing the cameo for an entire week before it aired. The most I saw was a little spot telling viewers to stay tuned for a special appearance at the end of the episode. Whoever managed to keep the cameo on the down low, thank you for your superhuman restraint!

On the down side, I can't believe Nick Fury showed up so soon. It's only the second episode. Where are they gonna go from here? A cameo from Robert Downey Jr.?

Watch Out, Avengers!

Dateline Hollywood: Warner Bros. and DC Comics announced that after numerous delays they've finally begun filming their upcoming Justice League motion picture!

Above is a sneak peek from the new film, titled Justice League: Unfathomable!

Details are sketchy at this time, but the plot reportedly centers on the Justice League coming together to battle the menace of an underwater crime syndicate led by the villainous Lex Luthor.

All I can say is it's about time. Marvel fans have had it good for too many years now, what with the Iron Man, Captain America and Thor films that all led up to epic The Avengers. But what about the poor DC fan? If you're not overly fond of Batman then it's been slim pickin's indeed at the cineplex the past few years. But at long last that's all about to change. Move over, Avengers! There's a new League in town!

Justice League: Unfathomable will premiere in theaters in May 2015. I'm getting in line right now!

It Came From The Cineplex: The Avengers, Hunger Games,The Raven, Dark Shadows

SPOILERS, I GUESS.

You've been warned.

The Avengers 

Ever since I was a kid and started reading Marvel comics I dreamed that someday, someone somewhere would make an Avengers movie. Happily, that day is finally here. I never thought I’d live to see it.

The Plot: 

Evil Asgardian Loki arrives on Earth and proceeds to... ah, it’s the Avengers! You know the plot. Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, The Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye team up to save the world.

Thoughts:

That this film exists at all is nothing short of a miracle. Hollywood is normally all about making a quick buck, rushing movies through production whether they’re ready or not. They’re perfectly willing to spend $100 million on special effects but $9.98 on a screenwriter. Who cares if the script is ready, we start filming today!

But with a lot of patience and a well thought out plan, Marvel Studios carefully released five movies in the past few years that set up a whole little movie universe. It was a big gamble; if even one of these movies had bombed, the whole Avengers deal would have probably fallen apart. 

Characters regularly made guest appearances in each other’s movies, reinforcing the idea that this was all taking place in a single consistent universe, just like Marvel comics used to do (which was always one of my favorite things about them. It really is a modern day miracle.  

Somehow Marvel makes the whole shared universe thing look so effortless. Pepper Potts from the Iron Man movies saunters into Tony Stark’s apartment. Dr. Erik Selvig from the Thor film is there, working for S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Coulson is back, gushing over getting to meet his idol Captain America. It all adds up to create a very cool unified world. Fortunately all that planning is paying them huge dividends. Maybe this will inspire other studios to follow their lead. I ain’t holding my breath though.

Captain America rides to the rescue in Marvel Studios' "The Avengers"

Seeing the various characters meet and interact is the whole reason for a movie like this, and The Avengers doesn’t disappoint. Writer and director Joss Whedon ably juggles multiple characters and story lines and somehow manages to give everyone a chance to shine. Heck, he even made Hawkeye-- a character with no powers other than good aim-- seem cool!

Everything you could ever want in an Avengers movie is there, and then some. Loki is the main villain whose presence causes the formation of the team, just like in the very first issue of the comic, way back in the early 1960s. They even included the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier! I have to say I never thought I’d see that in a movie. My favorite moment: the scene in which the camera spins around the six main characters as they strike their super heroic poses. I have to admit in all honesty that I squealed like a little girl when I saw that.

The Hulk and Thor spring into action in "The Avengers."

The Hulk was definitely the breakout character in the film. After three tries they finally got the Hulk right. He was absolutely hilarious in the movie, and probably my favorite thing about it. In the past the Hulk has been a totally CGI animation, but this was the first time that the actor who played Banner also played the Hulk (in full motion capture gear, of course). I believe that made all the difference.

I was a bit worried at first as to how some of the characters would interact. Iron Man and Captain America are fairly realistic characters; would it look silly for them to share the screen with a giant green monster and an other-dimensional alien god with a magic hammer? Thankfully I needn’t have worried. Everyone and everything fits together just fine.

Nick Fury brings the team together in "The Avengers."

I very much enjoyed The Avengers and I don’t begrudge the creators one penny of their box office take. That said, I really wish people would quit announcing how many records have been smashed by this movie. Yes, it made more in its first weekend than any other film to date. Yes, it reached a billion dollars faster than any previous movie. Of course it’s breaking records! Movie tickets are higher right now than they’ve ever been! It only makes sense that it’s raking in truckloads of cash. And it was in 3D to boot, so that adds even more to the already inflated total.

For the record, Mark Ruffalo’s portrayal of Bruce Banner marks the THIRD actor to take on the role this century. Ruffalo does an admirable job, despite his tendency to sound a little like Ray Romano when he speaks. Maybe he’ll finally break the Banner Curse and stick around for more than one film.

And you know what? Next year ticket prices will be even higher and some other movie will make even more money. The gross doesn’t mean anything (well, except to the bean counters I suppose). Butts in seats! That’s what counts if you’re keeping score. Count the NUMBER of tickets sold, not the COST of those tickets. THAT’S how you measure a movie’s popularity and success.

Now that Marvel Studios can seemingly do no wrong, I have to ask: WTF, DC Comics? You guys can’t seem to make a decent superhero movie unless it’s got Batman, Dark or Knight in the title. Barring the Christopher Nolan films, you haven’t made a decent superhero movie since Superman the Movie way back in 1978. Marvel seems quite capable of doing it, so why can’t you? Where’s our Justice League film?

One last thing: Be sure and sit through the credits (whadya mean you don’t have time, you gonna be late for your meeting with the President?) to get a glimpse of the Marvel villain who may be the big bad in the next Thor movie, or the inevitable Avengers sequel.

Pros:

• It’s an Avengers movie! What more do you want?

• The new and improved Hulk.

• Iron Man got his round ARC generator back. Like Joss Whedon, that triangle on his chest bugged me.

• Lots of nice touches for fans of the Marvel films, but newcomers shouldn’t have any trouble figuring out what’s going on.

Cons:

• I kind of wish a certain character hadn’t been killed off, but I understand the reasons why it had to happen. Other than that, I got nothing!

About as perfect a superhero movie as you could ever hope for. I give it an A!

The Hunger Games

I know, this movie came out months and months ago, but I wrote a review of it and by god I’m going to use it.

Lionsgate Studios tries and succeeds in setting up its own Twilight-esque movie franchise.

The Plot: 
It’s the future, although most of it looks like the past. North America is now called Panem, a nation divided into twelve Districts and ruled by the decadent Capitol. At some point in the past the Districts attempted a revolt that failed. To punish them for their arrogance, each year the Capitol demands each District offer up two of its children as Tributes to compete in the Hunger Games, a televised fight to the death. Seems like it would have been easier to just levy some heavy taxes on them instead, but what do I know.

Katniss Everdeen, our heroine from District 12, volunteers for the Games after her younger sister is chosen. She and Peeta Malark (you can tell it’s the future because of the wacky names), a teen male from her District are whisked away to the Capitol where they spend a few weeks in training and being exploited by the media. Then it’s off the the Games, where Katniss must fight for her life against 23 other tributes. Last one alive is the winner!

Thoughts:
It’s a simple yet effective tale that takes a hard look at big government, war, the media in general and reality TV in particular. If you’re a curmudgeon who hates teenagers and would like nothing more than to watch them killing one another for two hours, this is the movie for you!

The movie is a pretty straightforward adaptation of the best selling book with few surprises. Most of the internet was going on and on about how the story was a ripoff of the Japanese shock film Battle Royale, with a dash of Lord of the Flies thrown in for good measure. I never really got that impression from the film. If anything I thought something about it seemed a little Star Trek-ish; I can think of at least three episodes in which Kirk and Co. were forced to fight for the amusement of a crowd. There’s nothing new under the sun by this point in history anyway, so who cares if it’s reminiscent of something else?

I enjoyed the movie much more that I thought I would, and was surprised at how long it stuck with me. I was still thinking about it a week or two after I saw it, which is unusual. Whether it’s due to my advanced age or the fact that most movies today are disposable pablum, few films seem to stick with me anymore.

Star Jennifer Lawrence admirably carries the movie on her young shoulders. Woody Harrelson does a decent job of playing a drunken burnout. Elizabeth Banks is perfect and completely unrecognizable as Effie Trinket. Stanley Tucci is also a hoot as blue-haired TV emcee Caesar Flickerman.

No movie is perfect though, and there were a few points that seemed clear in the book but could have used some clarification onscreen. For example, when Katniss is preparing to leave for the Capitol she tells her nearly comatose mother that she has to step up and take care of her remaining daughter. The mom inexplicably acts like she’s lobotomized or something. In the book it’s explained that she acts this way because her husband (Katniss’ father) was killed in a mine explosion a few years earlier. Would it have killed them to have taken ten seconds to explain that small but very crucial detail?

In the book Effie Trinket was assigned specifically to District 12. Her job was to emcee the selection process, then accompany the Tributes to the Capitol where she would train them to be perfect ladies and gentlemen and hopefully garner audience sympathy. I did not get that impression in the movie. In the movie it seemed to me like she was collecting Tributes from ALL the Districts. Then later she’s just sort of there in the background; I don’t remember her ever once training anyone or giving them advice. And I don’t think the film ever once mentions her name. Her role definitely needed some clarification.

Also, maybe I’m just not the sharpest tool in the shed but it wasn’t immediately clear to me at first that the Games were being held under an enormous dome. I figured it out eventually (mainly when they flashed the faces of the dead Tributes on the “sky” every night), but would it have killed them to include a matte painting of the giant domed structure? They also didn’t make it very clear what was at stake: the winner of the Games is set for life, but in addition wins extra food for their entire District for a whole year.

Despite the fact that I liked it, I still don’t get all the obsession and hoopla over this movie. Kids were lining up days before the film opened just to see it. The movie premiere even made the front page of the local newspaper! Was the opening of a film really front page news? No wonder journalism is dying.

I wonder if this is the Millennial Generation’s Star Wars? If so, considering the subject matter of kids killing kids, we’re in trouble.

Before I move on I’d like to thank the couple who brought their 6 week old baby along with them to the theater and sat in my row during Hunger Games. I could tell by your child’s non-stop wailing that it enjoyed the film as much as I did. Maybe even more! The whole audience appreciated your precious snowflake’s antics during the quieter moments in the film. I’m only sorry that I didn’t get your name and phone number so I could punch you f*ckers in the throat find out when you’re next attending the cinema so I can make sure and tag along with you.

Pros:
• Straightforward adaptation that should please most fans of the book.

• Good performances by the cast.

Cons:
• A few key points could have been better clarified.

• Some dodgy effects, particularly the “Girl On Fire” dress that figures so prominently in the book.

A decent adaptation that sticks with you, and apparently the marvel of our age. I give it an A-.

The Raven 

Despite what the poster would have you believe, The Raven is not a movie about a Gothic superhero with wings made of blood red fire. That would have been a much better movie than what we got. Instead, The Raven tells the fictionalized story of Edgar Allen Poe’s last days. 

The Plot:
In 19th Century Baltimore, Detective Emmett Fields investigates a gruesome double murder. He quickly realizes that the crime scene closely resembles one described in one of Poe’s stories. When another Poe-themed murder occurs, Fields realizes there’s a serial killer on the loose who’s modeling his crimes after the author's stories. Fields then enlists the help of Poe himself to help track down the killer before he can kill again.

Thoughts:
I have to admit it’s a cool concept, but unfortunately the movie just didn’t live up to its potential. It’s slow moving, dark and dreary. Much like Poe and his work. In fact if you know anything at all about Poe’s life, you’ll know you’re not in for a happy ending.

I’ve always liked John Cusack well enough I suppose, but I have to admit he wouldn’t have been my first choice to play Poe (although he was a better choice than Michael Jackson, who allegedly at one time wanted to play the author in a biopic). He does the best he can with the script he’s given.

When I said that the movie was dark, I didn’t mean just in mood or tone; it’s literally dark. At times I was squinting at the screen trying to figure out what was going on. During some scenes it was more like a radio play than a movie. I can’t believe anyone would purposely make a movie like that; I have to assume this was some glitch on the part of my local theater; that they were trying to conserve the projector bulb or something.

Lastly, the screenplay was written by Ben Livingston and Hanna Shakespeare. Some unsolicited advice for Ms. Shakespeare-- you’d better be a damned good writer if you’re going to go around with a name like that. Even if that’s your honest to god given real name, I’d think about changing it. It’s only going to set you up to fail. You might as well be a basketball player named Chester Dunkenstein.

Pros:
• Interesting concept.

• If you’re bad at figuring out mysteries (as I am), this one shouldn’t be too tough.

Cons:
• Slow and plodding storyline and direction.

• Not a lot of fun, especially if you know any details of Poe’s life.

• Dark, nearly impenetrable cinematography.

A cool idea that unfortunately doesn’t live up to its poe-tential (see what I did there?). I give it a D.

Dark Shadows 

Sigh... once again Hollywood plunders TV’s past for more material. Has that trick ever worked? 

The Plot:
In 1776, Angelique Bouchard, who is a witch, is in love with Barnabas Collins. Unfortunately Barnabas only has eyes for Josette du Pres. Angelique uses her powers to cause Josette to leap to her death from a cliff, and turn Barnabas into an immortal vampire.

Cut to 1972, when everyone is either still alive or reincarnated and they do it all over again.

Thoughts:
Dark Shadows was a supernatural soap opera that ran on ABC from 1966 to 1971 (strangely enough, the movie is set in 1972, the year after the series ended). It was extremely popular with younger viewers who watched it when they got home from school.

It was created by Dan Curtis, who also wrote the two very popular Night Stalker TV movies in the 1970s.

When the series first premiered it was just a standard gothic drama; there were no supernatural elements to be found. After a while they added some ghosts into the proceedings, with mixed results. The show struggled along for the first 209 episodes, and then they decided what the hell and went all in: in episode 210 they introduced Barnabas Collins, the tragic, 200 year old vampire. Overnight the ratings soared and the show began featuring werewolves, witches, and even time travel and parallel worlds.

The series was filmed on tape and due to the schedule they rarely if ever stopped to reshoot a scene. As a result the show is riddled with flubbed lines, faulty props and visible stagehands, which gave the series a certain rough charm.

The character of Barnabas Collins was originally intended to last just 13 weeks, but he proved so popular he was kept on and eventually became the star of the series.

I never watched the show much when I was a kid, mainly because I couldn’t. My backwater home town didn’t have an ABC station. Somehow though I was still familiar with the characters and the basic plot line. Maybe I saw it a couple of times at a friend’s house? Perhaps I absorbed it through osmosis from the vast amount of merchandise the show generated? It’s a mystery to me.

You may have noticed by now that I’m spending most of this review talking about the TV show and not the new movie. That’s because I have little or nothing good to say about the new film.

Tim Burton directed Dark Shadows, which stars his little repertory company of Johnny Depp and Helen Bonham Carter.

Visually the film looks great, but unfortunately the storyline (such as it is) is all over the place. How do you go about adapting a long running soap opera into a two hour movie? Well, if you’re the writers of Dark Shadows the answer is to try and cram ALL of it into one film. There’s way too much going on in this movie-- too many characters (none of whom are ever properly developed) and too many plot lines (many of which just trail off without any resolution). Even though I was familiar with most of the characters from the original series, it was a chore trying to figure out who everyone was in the film and how they were related to one another and what the hell they were all doing.

The filmmakers got the names of the characters and locations right, so they obviously did their homework. It’s just frustrating that they took that knowledge into such an appalling direction.

Johnny Depp plays Barnabas Collins of course. In interviews he gushed about how much he enjoyed watching the character as a kid and how he dreamed of someday portraying him. Well, be careful what you wish for, Johnny. The TV Barnabas, even though he was a vampire, was always the consummate gentleman; a man out of time who still practiced Old World manners. Depp's performance tones down the politeness, ramps up the “fish out of water” angle, and trowels on a healthy dose of horniness for good measure.

The TV Barnabas could easily pass for human most of the time. Only when he was in full vampire mode was it obvious he was something other than a normal person. Depp’s Barnabas is a pasty-faced weirdo with extra finger joints and pointy ears who constantly stands out wherever he goes. Subtlety, thy name is not Tim Burton.

The original Barnabas Collins, actor Jonathan Frid, makes a welcome cameo appearance in the film, along with fellow original costars David Selby (Quentin Collins), Kathryn Leigh Scott (Angelique) and Lara Parker (Joesette du Pres). Unfortunately it’s very literally a “blink and you’ll miss it” appearance, lasting around a second at most. Sadly, Jonathan Frid died the week before the film premiered, missing out on all the renewed interest in the series and his career that the film will no doubt generate.

Lastly the trailer for this film didn’t do it any favors. It made it look like a Beetlejuice type of slapstick comedy, when nothing could have been further from the truth. Not funny enough to be a comedy, too campy to be a drama, the movie’s tone is all over the place.

Pros:
• Like most Tim Burton movies, it all looks nice.

• Alice Cooper’s cameo appearance. The highlight of the film for me. I used to listen to his music in high school and I forgot how much I liked it. Excuse me while I go fire up Pandora and give him a listen.

Cons:
• Too many characters to try and keep track of.

• Way too much plot shoehorned into the running time.

• Lack of the theme song! The TV series had a very evocative and eerie theme. They didn’t use a note of it in this abomination. Not even a brief refrain when Barnabas appears. Way to honor your source material, Tim!

Another remake of a classic TV series that goes horribly wrong. I give it a D.